Jealousy Consult

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Elizabeth Duffy asked me to offer some input on this post in which she addresses a reader’s question about a struggle with jealousy.  I think she’s done a terrific job covering most of the bases.  Anyone who followed her advice would definitely on a good path to leaving jealousy behind.  I only have two additional thoughts.

The first is that when a person is jealous, they have a tendency to look for–and consistently find whether there is reason to or not–external reasons for their jealousy; the beautiful co-worker,  a spouse coming home a little later from work than expected, etc.   The temptation in this situation is to keep needling one’s spouse about every perceived offense no matter how small and/or to constantly look around for proof of the affair one is desperately afraid is happenning just out of sight.

The problem with this approach is that it misses the fact that whether or not there is an affair, the relationship itself is not as intimate, connected, and secure as it should be.  Rather than worrying about the possibility of infidelity, it would be much better to invest the energy into discussing what habits would need to be in place to make the relationship feel more secure than it does.  I’m certain this is what Elizabeth was getting at when she talked about making your spouse your friend, but I wanted to pull out his dimension of that process of friendship-making.  Too many people worry about losing their relationship instead of investing the same amount of energy into making it a relationship that is so strong it can’t be lost.

The second point is less obvious.  In the rare instance when the marriage really is solid, there is no infidelity, and one’s spouse really isn’t engaging in any inappropriate behavior but one still feels painfully jealous, usually the problem has to do with an insecure attachment style in childhood.  Insecure attachment results when my parents respond just enough to my emotional needs  for me to not feel abandoned (and maybe to even feel adequately cared for at least physically), but not enough to ever feel emotionally secure.   That attachment style tends to result in a person who always feels off balance in relationships but is never quite sure why and feels guilty about it to boot.   If a person is raised in that environment, their brain is always on high-alert, constantly worrying about what they might have done–what they might yet do– to drive the people they care about away.  These are the folks who go from “0 to abandoned in 60 secs”  for the slightest reason.  For people in this situation, counseling can be a very helpful means of sorting through the past hurt and finding ways to leave it back behind instead of carrying it into the present relationships.

MARRIAGE DO’s and DON’Ts

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Beverly and Jim are newly engaged.  Even though they are very much in love, they have big concerns.    As Jim explains it,  “Neither of us had the best models for marriage.  My dad was an alcoholic and Beverly’s parents are divorced.  How can we know what it takes to stay together?”

Their question got me thinking.  Is it possible to boil down the keys to a successful marriage into some basic rules of thumb?  Unfortunately, marriage isn’t quite that simple, but there are some do’s and don’t that are universally good ideas when it comes to living in love for a lifetime.  Here are some off the top of my head.  What are some of your do’s and don’ts?

 Do’s.

 1.  Pray

St. Paul reminds us that husbands and wives are to, “defer to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  Everything a couple does must be about helping each other become the people God created them to be in this life and helping each other get ready for the next life.   Pray together every day.  When you have a disagreement, discuss it, then submit both of your wills to God’s will in prayer.  Then get more information, discuss, pray, and repeat until you achieve a successful resolution to the problem.  In the end, it doesn’t matter what you or your spouse wants, the only thing that matters is that you and your spouse are committed to helping each other more clearly discern what God wants.

 

2.  Prioritize your marriage.

You are the most important influence in your spouse’s life second only to his or her free will and the saving power of Jesus Christ.  As I mentioned above, your job is to help each other become who God wants you to be and to get to heaven.  There is no other work more important, and no other relationship that can compete.  You did not promise at the altar to place your mom, your dad, your, boss, your neighbor, or your Great Aunt Brunhilda first in your life, but you did promise God to place your spouse first.  You must be prepared to give your mate not only symbolic first place “in your heart,” but also first place in your schedule, your allotment energy, and your commitment of time.  If you are not doing this, then your life is disordered, your priorities are flawed, and your marriage will pay the price.  Guaranteed.  The promise to “forsake all others” does not merely apply to sexual partners, it applies to every relationship that seeks to compete with the primacy of the marriage.

 

3.  It’s About the Little Things.

Married couples don’t just say, “I do” to each other on their wedding day.   In fact, every day, husbands and wives have a million opportunities to say, “I do” or “I don’t” to each other and their marriage.   It really is the little things that make all the difference over time.  When you do thoughtful things without being asked, keep promises, respond positively to requests (especially requests that pull you out of your comfort zone), you say, “I do.”  When you neglect each other (even benignly), “forget” to do things you said you would, or respond grudgingly (or not at all) to requests you say, “I don’t.”   The best way to keep a marriage growing strong is being careful to make sure your “I do” pile far exceeds the “I don’ts.”  In fact, some research suggests that it can take up to 5 “I do’s” to make up for one “I don’t”  because we tend to give more weight to negative experiences. Throughout the day, ask yourself, “What’s one small thing I can do to make my spouse’s life easier or more pleasant right now.”

 

4.  Take time to talk.

Husbands and wives must have at least 30 minutes a day where they can talk openly, not just about what went on today and what they have to do tomorrow, but also about what is on their hearts, where their lives together are going, and what specific support they need from—or are trying to give to—each other in order to fulfill the prime directive of marriage; helping each other become who God created them to be and get ready for heaven.  (Now, where did I hear that before?)

 

5.  Learn new skills.

If you needed surgery, would you pick the doctor who hadn’t picked up a medical journal or been to a continuing education class in twenty years, or would you prefer the doctor who has kept current with the latest techniques and treatments?  Of course you would pick the doctor who has kept current.

But is the work of marriage any less important or challenging than the work of a doctor? (I’ve counseled many a doctor who said that marriage was harder.)   Regularly read books on Christian marriage together and discuss what does and does not apply to you (and why).  Take a marriage encounter weekend.  Once a year, go on a mini retreat together where you spend a day or a weekend thanking God for the blessings of the past year and asking for guidance in the next.  Stay current with the skills necessary for caring for each other’s heart and soul.  You’ll be glad you did

 Don’ts

 1.  Don’t Pick on each other.

Avoid all forms of name calling and unnecessary criticism.  These things wear out your welcome in a person’s life.    When you must complain about something, make sure you do it in a charitable manner.  Learn how to express your concerns in love.  For specific tips on how to do this, check out my book,  For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage.

 2.  Don’t Have Emotional Affairs.

Do you share information with someone before you tell your spouse?  When something good or bad happens to you, do you think of sharing that with someone other than your spouse?  Is there someone in your life that you feel understands you better than your mate.  You may be committing emotional infidelity, and if this certain someone is of the opposite sex, then the problem is twice as bad.

If your mate isn’t your best friend, then recognize it for what it is; a marital problem.  Then get professional help to fix the problem.  Seeking a confidante in someone else, especially someone of the opposite sex, is asking for trouble.

 

3.  Don’t Marry a Script.

Too many couples don’t marry each other.  They marry a script.  Instead of taking the time to learn how to meet the needs of the unique person God gave us, we tell ourselves that we are being a good spouse if we do all the things our friends do for their spouse, or  all the things that our mom did for our dad, or vice-versa.   It doesn’t matter if our mate is miserable in the marriage.  As long as we are following our script, we are doing our job.  When our spouse complains, we shrug and say,   “I’m doing everything right.  It must be your problem.”

A good spouse learns the heart of the person to whom he or she is married and generously works to respond to those unique needs, even when doing so means leaving behind his or her comfort zone.  Assuming that our mate doesn’t ask us to do something that is morally offensive or personally demeaning, we are obliged to meet the request, generously and cheerfully.  If you don’t, then contrary to what you might wish to think, you are a lousy spouse.   Start doing better today or suffer the consequences tomorrow.

 4.  Don’t play marital chicken.

Spouses love to  play a game I call “marital chicken.”   Like the game played in the 1950’s where reckless teens drove toward each other at high speeds, waiting for the “chicken” to veer out of the way, couples bluff each other in their own high stakes game when they say, “I would be more communicative/romantic/sexual/ playful/responsible/etc.  if you would be more communicative/romantic/sexual/playful/ responsible/etc.  But I know you, you’ll never change.”

When we play this game, we get to avoid doing our job while getting to feel self-righteous at the same time, but we’re just fooling ourselves.  When we die and go to heaven (hopefully) and God says, “Why weren’t you the generous person I needed you to be to your spouse?”  Do you really think it’s going to cut the mustard to say, “Well, Lord, I would have been generous, if only my spouse…”

These simple do’s and don’ts might not be all it takes to have a great marriage, but if you follow them, I can guarantee that you’ll have one of the best marriages on the block.  You’ll be well on your way to living a marriage that will make the angels smile and the neighbors sick with jealousy.

 

WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR MARRIAGE DO’S and DON’Ts?  Share in the comments…

COMING THURS on MORE2LIFE RADIO: THE JUGGLING ACT

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COMING THURS:  THE JUGGLING ACT–Marriage and kids.  They’re supposed to go great together.  So why is it so hard to hold it all together?  Today on More2Life, we’ll offer ideas for making BOTH your marriage and family life everything you wish it could be.
Call in with your questions  and comments from Noon-1pm E (11-Noon C) at 877-573-7825. Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)

Help, Dr. Greg! My Husband and I are Growing Apart

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Dear Dr. Greg,

My husband and I have been married 15 years.  We have four children ages 13, 10, 7, and 3.  We’ve always been a close couple, but lately, we seem to be drifting apart.  His work is demanding more time and between school and activities, the children are taking more and more time.  Both my husband and I are exhausted a lot of the time, and we sometimes go the whole week without talking beyond telling each other what happened and saying “good night.”  I used to be fairly judgmental about those couples who got divorced because they had “grown apart” but now I feel like we’re becoming one of them.  What can we do?

Every marriage travels through various stages as the years go by, and each stage has its challenges as well as its lessons that can strengthen the relationship.  Your marriage is in the stage I refer to as “the Creative Phase.”  This is the point where careers are well-underway and families are growing both in size and/or in the amount of time and effort it takes to keep them running smoothly.  The benefit of these years is that it is often a time filled with excitement and challenges that can keep life interesting and fresh.  The challenge is that the couple can become so outwardly focused on activity and other commitments that they forget to take care of each other and the marriage.

The good news is that this is a normal stage of marital evolution and that a savvy couple like yourselves who is aware of the challenge can identify the problems and make important changes before things become really complicated.  Here are a few tips that can set you right.

Rituals and Routines

Research has shown that those couples and families who make a commitment to protecting the rituals and routines of marriage and family life weather the years of the Creative Phase better than those who do not.  Make sure that you and your husband are intentionally scheduling time in your day for prayer and that you are having meals together several times during the week (daily if at all possible). Even if you can’t go out, schedule time where you and your spouse will get some time alone to do things you enjoy. These should be activities that are apart from your sexual relationship. If you have a hard time getting these things to happen, make sure you sit down with your spouse and your planners and write down these activities and the times when you will meet.  Treat these times as you would any other important appointment.  If something else comes up that threatens these marriage and family appointments, find some way to say “no” to those outside commitments.  The future of your relationship depends upon your ability to be faithful to putting your marriage first today.

Lovelist

As couples become busier, the second thing that gets crowded out (beyond rituals and routines) is thoughtfulness.  Couples become so focused on taking care of business that they take an “every man for himself” attitude toward taking care of each other.   The more a couple does this, the more a marriage becomes two disjointed people living under the same roof.

One way to combat this is to generate a lovelist.  This is where both the husband and wife write down a list of those things that make them personally feel loved on a gut level.  These are the kind of things that make you feel like saying, “Oh!  That was really thoughtful!  Thanks you!” The things you write down shouldn’t take a lot of time, effort, or money, but they should require some degree of thought. For instance, you might list items such as, “I feel loved when you find me to give me a kiss and say you love me before you leave the house.”  Or, “I feel loved when the garbage is already at the curb when I get home.”  Or, “I feel loved when we sit together on the couch instead of across the room.”  Or, “I fell loved when you call from work (or at work) to say you were thinking about me/praying for me.”

The list will be harder to make than you think—I suggest identifying at least 25 things.  But once the list is completed, exchange them and hold yourselves accountable for doing at least 2-3 items for each other each day.  At first you will feel like being thoughtful to each other is “just one more thing to do in a busy day”  which will just highlight how much you’ve let your relationship slide on your list of priorities, but stick with it.  You’ll find that in the weeks you and your mate stay on top of your lovelists, you will feel much more connected, and there will be much less conflict or tension between you.

 Know when to Seek Help.

Of course, if these techniques aren’t working for you, or you are having a difficult time employing them, make sure to seek faithful, professional marriage counseling. Though not counseling,  Retrouvaille is also a very effective program to help couples get started down the road to recovery.   Research shows most couples wait 4-6 years before seeking professional Intervening early can prevent you from growing so far apart that you lose any sense of what you are doing there.  Being serious about never growing apart means taking steps early enough in the game to be effective.  If you can’t make it work on your own, seek competent, faithful help from someone who can help get your marriage back on its feet again.

For more information on Catholic Tele-Counseling through the Pastoral Solutions Institute at 740-266-6461 or online at www.CatholicCounselors.com

COMING WED on More2Life Radio: Parent Power

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COMING WED:  Parent Power– We’ll help moms and dads claim their power as we all strive to help our kids be their best.   Tune in for great tips for responding more effectively to all the challenges kids throw your way. Call in with your questions at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1pm Eastern.

Don’t forget to respond to our FB Q of the D:  What’s the toughest thing about raising kids these days?

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)

Why Catholic Parents Can’t Just Do, “What works for us.”

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You hear it a lot from Catholic families, “You have to do what works for you.”  I appreciate the sentiment.  People who say it genuinely mean well.  They are just trying to acknowledge the real challenges that accompany family life and extend sympathy to those who are struggling. Who could argue with that intention?  Certainly not me.   Unfortunately, while the intention is good, the delivery leaves a lot to be desired.  Catholic families must be comforted, they must be supported, they must be encouraged and they must be helped.  But they must never be told that they are free to do whatever works for them.  Here’s why.

The family is the crucible of culture.  More than any other social structure, it is the family that passes beliefs, values, worldviews and traditions from one generation to the next.

Because of this, the Catholic family is called to be a unique creature; a prophetic witness in the world; a light shining in the darkness.  The Catholic family must stand out.  It must stand for something different than what our Protestant (may God bless them) and secular neighbors family’s stand for because we are in possession of the fullness of the truth and they are not.  “From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more”  (Lk 12:48).   Catholic families have been given much by our Savior and His Holy Church, and MUCH is required of us.  Our mission is clear.

So what is the mission of the Catholic family?  Here is what Evangelium Vitae says,

“By word and example, in the daily round of choices, and through concrete actions and choices, parents lead their children to authentic freedom, actualized in the sincere gift of self, and they cultivate in them a respect for others, a sense of justice, cordial openness, dialogue, generous service, solidarity, and all the values which help people live life as a gift. “In raising children Christian parents must be concerned about their children’s faith and help them to fulfil the vocation God has given them. The parents’ mission as educators also includes teaching and giving their children an example of the true meaning of suffering and death. They will be able to do this if they are sensitive to all kinds of suffering around them and, even more, if they succeed in fostering attitudes of closeness, assistance and sharing towards sick or elderly members of the family. The family celebrates the Gospel of life through daily prayer, both individual prayer and family prayer. The family prays in order to glorify and give thanks to God for the gift of life, and implores his light and strength in order to face times of difficulty and suffering without losing hope. But the celebration which gives meaning to every other form of prayer and worship is found in the family’s actual daily life together, if it is a life of love and self-giving.”

I will be doing a series of posts on each portion of this quote from Evangelium Vitae (#92-93).  For now, I would invite us all to ask ourselves…

What if these were more than just pretty words?  What if these words were the mission statement for my Catholic family? 

How well am I living out the example of these virtues in my parenting life? 

Am I actively teaching my children to live out these virtues, by example, by fostering their personal  relationship with Jesus Christ, and through direct catechesis?  

Does my family look different than the non-Catholic families on my block because of our family’s single-minded devotion to living out these virtues? 

What can we do improve our prophetic witness as a Catholic family by living out these virtues more fully in our relationships with each other?”

We have a tall order to fill.  Of course, we are free to do what we believe helps us fulfill the above mission.  But that is not the same thing as saying we are free to do “whatever works for us.”  The world needs Catholic families,  not families that look like everyone else’s except for the Catholic prayers they say.    We must parent intentionally at all times with these virtues burned into our vision.  We are NOT free to do “what works for us.”   That is the world’s way, not ours.  Catholic families are only free to do what we genuinely believe proclaims the gospel of Jesus Christ and best exemplifies the virtues listed above that define the witness and mission of the Catholic family.   THAT is the meaning of “authentic freedom”–the ability to choose what is best and good and true and beautiful, not the ability to do “what works for us.”

None of this is to make anyone feel guilty or lose heart.  We are all on a journey toward this ideal and most of us have not yet arrived.  In fact, most of us are very far from it.  Thanks to God’s grace, that’s OK.   BUT we cannot take our eyes off the map.  We can take the time we need to get there.  We can rest when we must.  We can have bad days where we wish for an easier path.  We can have days where we break down and cry a bit from being stretched more than we imagined we ever would.  And especially on those days, we must get support from other like-minded families and other like-minded sources of encouragement.   But we are not free to choose an easier path.  We are NOT free to do, “what works for us.”  We are only ever free to do what serves the gospel and builds the Kingdom of God both in and outside our homes.   Everything we do as parents, we will be called to reckon for according to the mission outlined above.  It’s a serious obligation that we must take seriously.

I applaud your willingness to be that family that bears God’s face and the Catholic vision of love to the world.  May God give you his grace for the journey.