Are Catholic Families Really Any Different? Should We Be? (Some Points from My Response to the 2014 Extraordinary Synod– Part I)

Posted on by

Recently, I was asked by my bishop to provide a response to the survey in preparation for the 2014 Extraordinary Synod on the Family.  Many of the questions in that document have to do with the faithful’s awareness of the practical significance of the Church’s unique vision of marriage and family life as articulated in various post-Vatican II documents (e.g., Gaudium et Spes, Familiaris Consortio, etc). Pope Francis appears to be concerned  both with how well the Church is communicating its unique vision of marriage and family life to the world and the ways Catholic couples and families are or are not either serving or benefiting from efforts associated with the New Evangelization.

In my response, I argue that there is virtually no practical awareness–among either the laity or the clergy–of what is supposed to make Catholic family life different from Protestant or secular family life except for the prayers we say and the way we worship.   I develop my case for this over about 60 pages, but here’s the short version.

Catholics Have a Syncretistic View of Family Life

Catholics, even devout Catholics, tend not to think twice about building their marriages and families around the ideals and techniques promoted by both secular and Protestant “experts.”  This isn’t to say that Catholics have nothing to learn about marriage and family life from our secular and Protestant brothers, but the vast majority of Catholics don’t even stop to consider what their Catholic faith might have to say about the way husbands and wives, parents and children should treat each other in the home.  They tend to think that as long as they say Catholic prayers, go to Church on Sunday, and turn to marriage and parenting resources that either mention Jesus and/or confirm their unexamined personal biases about relationships, they are de facto living out the Church’s vision of marriage and family life as articulated in the documents mentioned in the survey.

Given a field of popular Protestant or secular experts on marriage and family life such as Gary Ezzo, John Rosemond, James Dobson, T. Barry Brazelton, Bill Sears, Michael Pearl, Gary Chapman, Will Harley, Harville Hendrix, John Gray, Laura Schlesinger, etc., the vast majority of Catholics wouldn’t be able to determine, in even the most basic, gut-level way, who does a better or worse job of articulating ideas that are more consistent with Church’s vision of how husbands and wives, parents and children should relate to each other.  Each of these experts spells out very different ideas about how couples and families should look and interact, and yet there are thousands if not millions of well-meaning Catholic families who take these experts words as gospel and build their family lives around their teachings.

Culture Lost Sense of Family Life

The problem goes even deeper.  It isn’t just that Catholic families aren’t definitively Catholic.  It’s that many Catholic families–even devout Catholic families–aren’t even families any more.  Like their secular counterparts, many Catholic families have allowed themselves to become collections of individuals living under the same roof.  The wider culture has lost a sense of what it means to be a family and to live the mechanics of family life.  It used to be that families would join around regular meal times, game nights, family days, household projects, prayer, and of course Sunday worship.

Now, “family life” is the 3 secs we see our kids on the way to busing them to their various lessons, activities, and hobbies and running to our own meetings and commitments.  In this, the Third Generation of the Culture of Divorce, many people feel like family rituals (meals, prayertime, family day, game nights, family projects) are things Ozzie and Harriet did in the 1950’s.   They seem like a fairy tale.   Too many Catholic families are caught up in this tide, following it rather than fighting it.

Lack of Clear Family Catechesis

In light of all this, even Catholic clergy and catechists struggle to communicate what is unique about Catholic marriage and family life.  Even these Catholic leaders regularly recommend the kinds of resources listed above without any regard for whether or not the ideals and techniques promoted by these experts adequately represent a unique Catholic vision of the way husbands and wives, parents and children should treat each other as articulated in the documents cited by the survey.   Most pastors and DRE’s would appear to buy into the same logic that says that as long as the faithful say Catholic prayers and come to Church on Sunday, it really doesn’t matter that much if they interact (as husband and wife, parents and children) the same ways their secular or Protestant counterparts do.

By way of illustration, a listener to our radio program called to share that her parish Director of Religious Education was promoting a “Marriage and Family Day” at her parish.  The talks for the event were to be given by a local, prominent, Protestant minister.  Our caller was supportive of the day and had a favorable impression of the minister, but she asked the DRE if the parish wouldn’t be better served by seeking a Catholic expert to speak at the event.   The DRE responded, “He’s just talking about marriage, for Heaven’s sake! It isn’t as if he is going to be presenting theology or anything!”

We Can Do Better

I genuinely believe that Catholic laity and clergy mean well and are doing their best, but I would argue that being able to articulate a clearer practical vision of what it means to live a uniquely Catholic marriage and family life has to be heart of the New Evangelization.  Families are the basic unit of civilization and the chief vehicle for transmitting the faith both to the world and the next generation.  The way we live is the most important witness.  Our lives are the most important evangelization tool.

Too many of our kids are being raised in homes that don’t look any different than the homes of their secular or Protestant friends except for the prayers we say and, maybe, the rules we have.  How can we change the world if we look and act exactly the same as everyone else?    In order for our faith to seem relevant to our children and the world at large, Catholic couples and families must present a vision of love that both shows our children the ability of our Catholic faith to satisfy the longings of their heart and makes the world stand up and take notice.

Tertullian once said, “The world says, ‘Look at those Christians!   See how they love one another!'”  Catholic marriages and families are the primary means of communicating this unique vision of love to the world and the next generation.  By and large,  I just don’t think we, as a body, are communicating a vision of love in our homes that looks that different from anyone else.  It isn’t enough to have different rules and prayers.  Our homes have to be qualitatively different.  We are called to be qualitatively different.  I believe the success of the New Evangelization depends on our homes being qualitatively different.

In Part II of this reflection, I’ll post what I think represent the “5 Marks of Catholic Families”; that is, 5 principles that I think should distinguish  the way Catholic husbands and wives, and  parents and children interact with each other and the world.  In the meantime, what do you think makes Catholic couples and families different?   Beyond the prayers we say and the way we worship, are there ways that Catholic families distinguish themselves from their Protestant or secular counterparts?  How would you articulate the “Catholic difference” of marriage and family life?

(Comments on moderation–You will be posted.  Be patient)

 

 

You’re Just Not as Awesome as You Think. Fostering A Healthier Take on “Self-Esteem”

Posted on by

It might surprise you coming from a mental health professional, but I’m not a big fan of “self-esteem.”  Not that I want anyone to feel badly about themselves.  It’s just that what most people think of as “self-esteem”  (i.e., telling a child that  he is awesome just because he managed to draw breath without tripping over his tongue) isn’t terrifically effective and doesn’t bear terrifically good fruit.

But as much as you hear about self-esteem on children’s television and daytime talk shows, psychologists prefer to talk about “self-efficacy.”  Self-efficacy is defined as the good feelings one gets from knowing that one has ability to set and meet personal, emotional, or temporal goals.   Knowing I have the power to effect change, to achieve, to identify how to move from how I do feel to how I would like to feel, is an important component of a healthier and more authentic sense of self-esteem.

It is this second type of self-esteem, rooted in self-efficacy, that Dr. Justin Coulson, discusses in this article at the Family Studies Blog (of the Institute for Family Studies).  Dr. Coulson is an Australian parenting expert and psychologist (as well as a father of six kids).  He notes that the type of self-esteem that you usually think about and that  studies usually measure is actually related to risky, violent, and aggressive behavior as well as other problems. As an alternative, Dr. Coulson suggests instilling in kids a healthier form of self-esteem built on doing good things, using their talents, and having a solid relationship with their parents.    Its some good stuff.  Check it out!

And if you’d like to learn more about raising kids to have a healthy sense of self-esteem (instead of the narcissistic, insidious kind) check out Parenting with Grace:  The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.

Toward a Theology of Authentic Masculinity

Posted on by

A guest blog by Dave McClow, M.Div, LCSW, LMFT, clinical pastoral counseling associate of the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

Isn’t it time for a Theology of Masculinity for the New Evangelization?

Sparked by Fr. David Vincent Meconi’s, SJ September 2013 editorial in Homiletic & Pastoral Review, I wanted to expand on his questions and comments about the need for a theology of masculinity.  Here is part of what he had to say:

Provocative and important as Pope Francis’ comments are about the need for a theology of women, John Paul II’s “Theology of the Body” and his effusive recognition of “the feminine genius” certainly began that conversation. But what have recent popes and magisterial teachings done to address the nature of man and masculinity?  How would the men of our parishes and in our pews be different today if John Paul had written the encyclical, say, On The Dignity of Man—Viri Dignitatem?  How would men today be more able to live out their own unique discipleship and role in both the world, and in the Church, if we were able to articulate how men embody the Christian vocation to holiness in exclusive and particular ways?

I am a son of John Paul II, and am deeply impressed with Benedict and Francis, but I am frustrated about this omission and have wondered about it much over the last few years.

The Problem

Fr. Meconi goes on to suggest that a theology of masculinity is needed especially in America where we are not growing boys into men. “America, especially, has a way of infantilizing men.”  Video games, porn, and comic book hero movies are some current ways of achieving this.  His piece is well worth the read.

He ultimately goes on to suggest that Christ is the ultimate model of masculinity just as Mary is for femininity.  He then stresses the priestly aspect of Christ as the remedy for men.  I would agree and want to add some “whys” to the need for a theology of masculinity.  I think it is essential for the New Evangelization.  Lastly I want expand on his model for a theology of masculinity.

Biology vs. Culture

Motherhood and fatherhood have always helped define femininity and masculinity.  But while biology defines more what it means to be a woman, the culture defines more what it means to be a man.  The woman’s body is designed to conceive, carry, bear, and feed children.  Women have a distinct and physical connection to the phrase in the Eucharistic prayer, “This is my body which has been given up for you.”  The man has a relatively small, although highly pleasurable, biological role in the conceiving of children, but no biological role in child rearing.  It is all culture after conception.  As Theology of the Body suggests, the male anatomy does point him to loving someone outside of himself; but when the cultural winds blow harder, they co-opt the voice and authority of defining what it means to be a man.  There are philosophical and political agendas that seek to liberate women from the oppression of their bodies and from men.  The media has helped to relegate men to irrelevant roles: think Everybody Loves Raymond, or Two and a Half Men—buffoon or playboy.  The Culture of Death is winning on this one!

The Problem of Fatherlessness

Blessed John Paul II used to say “The future of the world and of the Church passes through the family” (Familiaris Consortio, 75).  I would add that “The future of the family passes through fatherhood.”

Fatherlessness is an undeniable and well-documented elephant in the living room!  Fatherlessness has increased criminality and juvenile delinquency, substance abuse, poor school performance, premature sexuality and out-of-wedlock births among teenagers, gender confusion, the number of women and children in poverty, the likelihood of childhood sexual abuse or child abuse, teen runaways and homelessness, gang involvement, and the risk of suicide attempts and completions by teens.   This is the short list, and it is well documented elsewhere (see David Blankenhorn, Fatherless America).   The mass shootings in the news of late almost always involve a fatherless kid, but this does not get commented on by the Church or Catholic media.  (Al Kresta was a recent exception on his show, Kresta in the Afternoon, in the last few months.)  The Culture of Death is winning this one, too!

A Pro-life Issue

At least 30% of abortions are coerced by others, (and I suspect mostly men) according to the Alan Guttmacher Institute.  This double distortion—coercion of another and abortion—is a distortion of authentic masculinity.  Masculinity is a pro-life issue!

Church Attendance Problem

The Church is losing men!  The typical Sunday Mass has about 60% women and 40% men.  Many men see going to Church as women’s work.  There are 76% of baptized Catholics who don’t attend Mass regularly.  But if fathers thought that going to Church was important and went, their children and wives would follow.  Fathers have a profound effect on the next generation according to a census study from Switzerland.  If mom and dad attend regularly, 34% of their kids will attend regularly.  If mom goes regularly and dad goes irregularly or not at all, that drops to 2% or 3% of their kids who will attend regularly.  If dad goes regularly and mom irregularly or not at all, the percentage jumps to 38% or 44%!  This alone should give us pause to look at how to engage men for the New Evangelization! 

The Gospel: Fatherhood Restored

So if masculinity is in crisis, and the culture is distorting it; if fatherlessness and men are literally and figuratively killing our society; and if the next generation of Church attenders is largely dependent on men going to Church, where is that encyclical “On the Dignity of Men”?  Where is a clear articulation of masculinity? 

I am frustrated by the first question, but the answer to the second question is found in the Gospel and the Catechism.  Fatherhood is central to the Gospel: from original sin, which attempts to abolish God’s Fatherhood (see JPII’s Crossing the Threshold of Hope, p. 228); to salvation, which restored God’s Fatherhood (revealed as Abba—Daddy or Papa, Jn. 10:30-33, Mk. 14:36—and the father of the prodigal son, Lk. 15:11-32); and to the living out of earthly fatherhood as Malachi and Luke state, “turn[ing] the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers” (Mal. 3:23-24; cf. Lk. 1:17).  (For a little more on the Gospel and Fatherhood, see my blog here.)

All Men Are Called to Fatherhood.

Thus I would tie masculinity directly to fatherhood.   All men, young, old, and in between, married and single, are called to fatherhood, first and always to spiritual fatherhood, then possibly to biological fatherhood.  St. Escriva says it this way, “Don’t let your life be sterile.” Men must be fruitful with spiritual or biological children!  Men are called to be fathers (mentors/big brothers/friends) to the fatherless. Fatherhood is a part of God’s essence—so why would it not be the essence of masculinity?

Fatherhood Lived Out As Prophet, Priest, and King

How is this lived out? I would build on Fr. Meconi’s idea of Christ as the model for men in His priestly function.  I would say that men’s spiritual and biological fatherhood are to be lived out as priest, prophet, and king as the foundation of authentic masculinity. This of course is based on the sacrament of baptism, where men (and women) “become sharers in Christ’s priestly, prophetic, and royal office” (CCC 871).  I will unpack this in a later blog.           

Men: The Most Leveraged Focus of the New Evangelization

But let’s say men were living out their authentic Catholic masculinity in spiritual fatherhood—we would see the ripple effects go through the family, the neighborhood, and the whole of society!  Each of the problem areas mentioned above—the identity crisis, the effects of fatherlessness, abortions, and poor church attendance—would all be positively impacted.   I think focusing on men is the most leveraged activity of the New Evangelization. 

While I haven’t thoroughly read Pope Francis’ new Apostolic Exhortation, Evangelii Gaudium, which is on the New Evangelization, I did search it for the words “men” and “women.”  Men are not to be found as a focus, while women are (“we need to create still broader opportunities for a more incisive female presence in the Church” 103).  I am not begrudging this initiative; I just think it makes sense from the data of our Culture of Death to go after men for the good of families, the Church, and society.

John Paul II gave us a great deal to think about our sexuality.  Shouldn’t the Church be leading the charge on defining masculinity?  Isn’t it time for a theology of masculinity that will serve to ignite the New Evangelization in the third millennium?

Sign Here: “Delivery Man” Drops an Opportunity At Catholics’ Doorstep

Posted on by

I saw the movie “Delivery Man” this past weekend.  Vince Vaughn plays a meat delivery guy who, 20 years before,  paid for his parents’ anniversary trip to Italy by donating sperm to a fertility clinic over 600 times.  Due to an administrative error, the clinic overused his “donations” and, as a result, he is the biological father of 533 children who initiate legal action to discover his identity.

The movie was cute enough and did its best to be respectful (as least as respectful as a comedy could be) to a very complicated and painful situation.  The movie discussed Vaughn’s character’s irresponsibility head-on.  It showed the very real pain his biological children suffered and strongly hinted at the injustice and immorality of sperm donation and similar modes of assisted reproduction albeit in a comedic way.  At one point, the attorney for Vaughn’s now young adult children noted that while sperm donation appeared to be a great deal for Vaughn’s character and for the parents accessing donor conception services, the people who were most affected by the process,  the children themselves, never had a say in the morality or ethics of what was being done.  It was a poignant moment.

The problem with the film had less to do with where it went than  with where it lacked the courage to go.  It implied (spoiler alert) that the deep emotional wounds many donor-conceived children report could be resolved just by meeting their biological father.  It sugar coated the impossibility of being truly present to 533 estranged children whose pain was palpable throughout the movie but too-easily resolved in the way feel-good films do.  Twenty years of angst resolved by a hug and a picnic montage?  If only.

There’s no question that that movie deals with morally objectionable material but I think mature Catholics ought to see it.  It gives us an opportunity to discuss a topic few people are aware of. Namely; the growing numbers of donor-conceived children who are speaking openly about the pain they experience every day because of the way they were conceived.   This is exactly the pain Humanae Vitae sought to prevent.

This brave donor-conceived woman took to the streets this weekend to educate movie-goers about the ethical and moral issues that are glossed over by the fertility industry.   You should go read her full post, but here’s a sample.

Between showtimes I headed over to Starbucks and coincidentally sat next to a young couple who were planning on going to see the movie themselves. They were sitting with an older gentleman, the young woman’s father. The father had said that he read somewhere that it was scientifically impossible to father 500+ children through sperm donation. I introduced myself and mentioned that in fact it is not only possible, but I know people with over 500 half-siblings. He was shocked. They thanked me for the fliers and said they’d let me know what they thought about the movie.

My advice to you, dear reader, is to become informed on this film and this issue.  This is a golden opportunity, serendipitously served up by Hollywood, to educate the public about why Catholics have it right when we talk about the immorality of donor-conception.  The more we can use gift-wrapped cultural moments like this to help people understand what we’ve been talking about for 40+ years, the better.

And for those of you who would like to have a deeper understanding of the Church’s teaching on sexuality, especially regarding how it can transform your marriage, check out my bestselling book,  Holy Sex!   You’ll be surprised at what you discover about the truth behind the Catholic vision of love.