Raising Moral Kids: The Surprising Secret that Trains Your Child's Moral Brain

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By: PaxCare Staff

father and daughter

This article is adapted from the new, revised, and expanded edition of  Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids  by Dr. Gregory Popcak and his wife Lisa Popcak.

 

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

 

-St Paul.  (Romans 7:15)

How do we raise kids who will choose the right thing to do, even when we’re not breathing down their necks?   How do we help our kids avoid–as much as possible–the problem of knowing the right thing to do but still being unable to do it in the moment?  This is one of the greatest challenges facing the faithful parent.   And while there are, of course, no guarantees, the good news is that with new information from both science and the Theology of the Body (the late John Paul II’s vision of the person-which specifically explores how the human body reveals the answers to many of the fundamental questions of life), it is easier than ever for parents to know what they need to do to help their kids make good moral choices even when mom and dad aren’t looking and the pressure is on.

Making Moral Choices:   How Do We Do It?

The Theology of the Body tells us that by prayerfully contemplating God’s design of our body, we can learn some important things about our origin, our destiny, and how we are called to relate to others while we’re here.   The more we cooperate with God’s design of the body, the easier it should be to become what we were created to be.   So, as a starting point in our discussion of raising moral kids, let’s talk about how the brain makes moral decisions. You’ve probably noticed that in order to “do the right thing” under pressure and when no one’s looking, it isn’t enough to have good information about what constitutes right and wrong.   That’s because the brain stores information in the cortex, but it produces the impulse to act under pressure in the limbic system, which is in a whole other neighborhood as far as your neurology is concerned.   Even though the cortex is the library where all our really sophisticated resources are stored, the limbic system gets information from the outside world before any other part of the brain because it’s job is to produce impulses (for instance, the fight, flight, or freeze response) that keep me out of danger.   Many of the things the limbic system might want to do when left to its own devices (e.g., tantrum, punch, ignore the problem, go along with the crowd, act paralyzed and fail to say/do what I should) end up producing morally questionable behaviors at best.  By contrast, the cortex’s job is to review what the limbic system wants to do and either rubber stamp it (“Yup!   Look’s good to me!”) or insist that the limbic system do something else and provide the explicit directions for how to do that alternative thing.

In order to make moral choices when the pressure is on and no one is watching, my limbic system needs to be able to have a rapid “conversation” with my cortex about what’s going on, what my impulses are telling me to do, how to reconcile that against what I believe is the right thing to do, and how to make a plan to follow through.   This all has to happen in less than a split second.   If this rapid communication doesn’t occur between the cortex and limbic system then one of two things happen.   First, the cortex may never get to weigh in on the situation at all.  In that case,  I simply do what my limbic system tells me and I honestly can’t consciously describe why I’m doing it  (Parent: “Why did you do THAT!”   Child:   “I don’t KNOW!…”).     The other possibility is that the cortex gets the information, but relays its alternative response back to the limbic system too late, leading to those situations where we find ourselves doing the wrong thing, but feel powerless to do anything about it except criticize ourselves afterward for screwing things up yet again.   No matter how good my moral training has been, no matter how much information I have stored in my cortex, if my cortex and limbic system aren’t capable of having that rapid fire moral dialog, my ability to do the right thing–especially under pressure and when no one is watching–will be seriously compromised.

Donkey Trails vs. Superhighways

So what makes this moral conversation possible?   Neurons act like roads connecting different regions of the brain.   Some of those “roads” are more like donkey trails and some are superhighways. Obviously, because you need to make moral decisions so rapidly, you want a superhighway connecting the various parts of your moral brain.   That’s where mom and dad come in. Science reveals that the single most important thing parents can do to build the superhighway connecting the different parts of your child’s moral brain is give the child EXTRAVAGANT affection.

Affection Trains the Moral Brain

The Theology of the Body tells us that we were made for love and that even our bodies are wired for love.   Neuroscience is showing us how true that really is.   A study that followed 500 children from birth to mid-life found that the levels of affection these children received by 8mos of age predicted the level of development of what I am calling the ‘moral brain’ in adulthood.   When the children (now 30+ yo adults) were divided up according to the levels of affection they received in infancy/toddlerhood (e.g., neglected, normal, extravagant), only the 7% of children who received extravagant levels of affection (as opposed to 85% who received “normal” and the 6% who received “neglectful” levels of affection) demonstrated the greatest degree of those skills associated with good moral decision making.   Another study involving 100 children found that the kids who received the highest levels of affection at home developed much larger hippocampi, the parts of the brain responsible for emotional control and stress regulation, two other skills that have been directly associated with moral decision making.  The bottom line is that if parents want moral kids, we need to do much more than sheltering kids’ innocence and telling them the difference between right from wrong.   Parents need to prepare their children’s brains for the work of moral decision making by rooting them in extravagant physical affection and generous displays of parental love.

Did you find this information interesting? Want to learn more about Theology of the Body and how to raise children who will grow to be the best version of themselves with your help? Be sure to pick up a copy of  Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids  for yourself. You’ll be happy you did!

The Reluctant Couple

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By: Gregory Popcak

couple lying in bed

There are a lot of couples who come to Natural Family Planning…reluctantly.   Even resentfully.   As more dioceses require NFP training, many couples approach their classes a little like a root canal, but with less enthusiasm.  It’s easy to understand.   Catechized by friends, family, and the media who all think the Catholic Church hates sex–unless it’s being used to keep a woman barefoot and pregnant–many couples don’t believe the Church has anything good, much less useful or interesting, to say about sex.  If you are one of those couples.   Welcome.   We get it.   Many of us have been there.   But let me share something with you that your friends, family, and the media don’t know.   Your Bishop has asked you to take these classes because the Catholic Church–in fact, God–wants you to have an amazing sex life that will only become more passionate the longer you are married.

Did I make you laugh?   Did I offend you?  I thought I saw you roll your eyes.   Go ahead.   Get it out of your system, but I’m not joking and I’m not trying to provoke you.   In fact, in July of 2013, US News & World Report ran an article with the headline, Devout Catholics Have Better Sex, Study Says.

“Those who worship God weekly have the best sex,” said Patrick Fagan, a senior fellow at the Family Research Council…in a talk hosted with the Center for the Advancement of Catholic Higher Education Wednesday. “I want to see this on the cover of Playboy sometime.”

Read the entire eye-opening article here.

The article noted that, according to decades of research, devout Catholics have sex more frequently, are more likely to take their sex lives seriously, and are more comfortable with the idea of sexual pleasure than any other demographic–religious or not.   Here’s why.

1.   Catholic Sex = Whole Sex

In my book, Holy Sex! A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving   (cited in the US News article as a helpful resource for couples) I list research showing that to have a satisfying sexual relationship, you have to bring your whole self (physical, relational, spiritual) to the experience.   You have to be comfortable with your body (the physical dimension), you have to be an effective communicator (the relational dimension), and you have to understand the spiritual dimension of sex as well.   Leaving out any one of these three dimensions makes sex less interesting and less pleasurable.   Devout Catholics, especially those using NFP, are prepared to bring all three of these dimensions to their marital sexuality. Because of charting (the consistent tracking of a woman’s reproductive markers), NFP couples are intimately aware of the body, how it works, and why it’s beautiful.   NFP helps couples overcome squeamishness about their bodies.   Likewise, NFP couples are challenged to communicate on a deeper level than other couples about the nature of their desire for each other, for children, and for other needs and concerns.   Finally, NFP couples realize that sex isn’t just a physical act but a spiritual one.

2.   Catholic Sex = Holy Sex

Catholics know that sex is spiritual because we know that God wants to use our sexual relationship as a physical sign of the passionate way he loves us.   As Pope Benedict XVI wrote in God is Love, when couples keep the spiritual dimension of their sexuality in mind, their sexual love for one another can help them “rise in ecstasy toward the Divine.” In the Bible, the Song of Songs isn’t just a beautiful love poem between a bride and a bridegroom, it is a story about the passionate love God holds in his heart for us.   Sexual love is intended to be hint of (although an analogous one) the ecstatic joy we will all experience when we are one with God in the Eternal Wedding Feast.  Similarly, even secular sex researchers note that having a good sexual relationship tends to make couples work harder to be better people outside the bedroom.   They are inspired by their passion to be less selfish, more caretaking, more thoughtful, more generous. Catholics are better lovers because we understand that sex isn’t just about sex.   It’s ultimately about becoming better, more passionate, more authentically loving people and the joy we experience in the bedroom is a sign of that effort we make 24/7 to become what God is calling us to be.

3.   Catholic Sex = Intimate Sex

Sex should be deeply intimate.   But a lot of people have sex that isn’t intimate at all.   They keep things from each other.   They are afraid of being truly vulnerable, truly transparent, so they play a role.   They act like great lovers, but inside, they feel lonely.   The very act that should unite them makes them feel more isolated than ever.  Catholics know how to break through this wall.  Because they know that being great lovers doesn’t just refer to what goes on inside the bedroom but also to how they relate to each other all day long, they make a conscious effort take better care of each other in every aspect of their lives.   Research by the Gottman Relationship Institute shows that caretaking makes it easier for such couples to let down their guard, to be vulnerable   in healthy ways, and to really connect in all areas of their relationship–especially lovemaking.

Still Reluctant?

Is getting to those NFP classes inconvenient?   Sure.   Is talking about all this stuff awkward?   At first, yes.   Is going to Church-sponsored sex classes just plain weird?   It sure can feel that way.  But consider this.   Maybe the Church really isn’t doing this because it wants to meddle in your life.   Maybe the Church really does want to help you experience all the passion and love God wants to give you. Maybe the Church really does have something to say that your friends, family, and most of the media doesn’t have the first clue about.   US News & World Report seems to think so, maybe you should too.

Sandwich Generation

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By: Gregory K. Popcak

multigenerational family

It is not unusual for the years of middle adulthood to become the “sandwich years.” This is the time when many couples have children under 21 at home and are also charged with the care of elderly parents.   According to one 2004 study reported in Perspective on Labor and Income, 70% of those couples comprising this group reported significantly greater stress than other couples not responsible for simultaneously caring for dependent children and their parents. The good news is that although this sacrifice can require changes in work and social schedules, it doesn’t have to spell disaster for the marital relationship.   Here are some simple tips to keep your marriage strong through these times.

Make Marriage #1

The most important commitment in your life is the commitment you made to your spouse at the altar.   Christians are obliged to honor our parents, of course, and caring for them in their later years is an important way to do this, yet our marital relationship is unique because God has raised it to the level of a covenant.   Other things may be important, but nothing can be as important as maintaining those rituals and routines that help a couple stay close to one another.   Make sure to take time to pray together daily.   Schedule time to talk and share your struggles and successes each day.   If it isn’t scheduled, it won’t happen.   And do try to get regular date time.   If you are not able to leave the house for extended periods of time for your dates, then at least schedule date time at home.   Find simple ways to make this time special; candlelight, a special meal in your bedroom, even just taking quiet time to listen to a favorite CD and just talk. Couples who are intentional about making this time happen will grow closer through these challenging years while couples who try to catch time on the fly will grow apart.   Decide to be in the group that grows closer.

Make Mom or Dad Part of the Family

There is a tendency to treat an elderly parent as a guest.   In a short amount of time, however, this will result in you burning out and your parent resenting the feeling of creeping uselessness that overcomes them as they spend yet another day staring at the tube.   Make your elderly parent part of the family by asking them to do whatever chores they can.   Even a bed-ridden parent can help fold laundry! Some say this sounds cruel, however, they are seriously underestimating our human desire to help and be needed by others.   Giving a parent who lives with you the opportunity to serve the household to the best of their ability, as well as participate in the joys of family life to the same degree, is an important way to help your aging parent overcome the fear that they have become a burden to you and your children.   Don’t treat live-in parents like guests.   Make them part of the rituals and routines that keep your household humming.

Have Realistic Caregiving Expectations

Caring for elderly parents is an emotionally-charged experience.   You will want to do everything you can to make their later years comfortable and filled with love, but remember one thing, you are not a skilled nursing care provider.   There will be tasks that you simply cannot do, and there may come a time when your parents require a level of care that is simply beyond your ability to provide.   This does not mean that you have failed.   It simply means that you are not a medical professional who can also bi-locate (be in two places at once) and clone yourself.

Even if your parents do not qualify for home-health nursing or aides, contact your local home health care provider and pay for a consult with a medical social worker.   The small fee you may have to pay will be more than made up for with the list of resources like contacts for elder day care, respite care services, and other community support resources.   Access to such programs can spell the difference between a caring home and a crazy home, and the time to start looking for them is not when you are already burned to an emotional crisp.   Consider options early for smooth future transitions.

Know When to Get Counseling Support

Sometimes, adult children who did not have the best relationship with their parents in the past go into overdrive to try and force the relationship they never had with a parent who is in his or her twilight years.   This can cause an adult child to neglect self-care, and care of the marriage and even dependent children while that adult child jumps through hoop after hoop to try to make mom or dad cough up the love that has been lacking in the past.   Trust me, this will not end well.   If you have a history with your elderly parent, get counseling early on to learn how to balance loving, generous service with healthy emotional boundaries.   You’ll be glad you did.

If you, your spouse, or your family find yourselves struggling with the challenges described in this article, contact your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and get the support you are looking for. Call us to get the skills you need to succeed!

Pope St. John Paul II & Pope St. John XXIlI: Partners in the Universal Call to Holiness

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It surprises many people that the Church will be canonizing both Pope John XXIII and Pope John Paul II this Sunday, April 4/27.  Most of the commentary I’ve read sees this in political terms. That is to say, the perception by many secular observers seems to be that the Church is throwing a bone to liberals by canonizing their guy while the Church throws a bone to conservatives by canonizing their guy.   I doubt there is much to this political angle, but I think there is a deeper, much more significant reason the Church is declaring both of these great men to be saints on the same day. 

Pope John XXIII ushered in the reforms of Vatican II. His successor, Pope Paul VI saw them through, but Pope John XXIII got the ball rolling.  One of the  most important emphases of Vatican II was the “Universal Call to Holiness” (more specifically spelled out in Lumen Gentium). The Church has always called all people to lead holy lives, but prior to the reforms of the Council, the Church had popularly fallen into the perception that true holiness was largely reserved to priests and religious.  Vatican II stood in strong opposition to that trend and challenged the whole Church, not just priests and religious, to be holy and pursue ever greater holiness by embracing even deeper conversion to Christ.

Pope John Paul II was really the first Pope to reign in the fully post-conciliar Church.  Yes,  Pope Paul VI saw the reforms of VII to their conclusion and beyond but he was the architect of the council.  It always has to be left to successors to understand how it will play out.  Pope John Paul I wasn’t around long enough to leave his mark and, as such, it fell to Pope John Paul II to define what the Universal Call to Holiness actually looked like.

I think that JPII’s Theology of the Body–his attempt to present an “adequate anthropology”–was, in large part his attempt to answer the question, “What does the universal call to holiness look like in practice?”

To say that something is holy is, according to Aquinas, to say that something has been “set aside for a divine purpose.”  But to set something aside for a divine purpose requires us to know what that thing is, what it’s intended purpose is, and how that purpose could be fulfilled for the good of the Kingdom.

This is exactly what the TOB does for the human person.  TOB discusses where we come from, what we were destined for, what became of  us and how we are to live now so that we might reclaim our inheritance.  It discusses the nature of the relationship between men and women (in general), husbands and wives (in particular), and what it means to be a person living in communion with other persons.  It promotes a sacramental worldview as applied to every day life as well as all the things that that laity is so consumed with–including sexuality–and helps every man woman and child understand the holiness that can be gained by following what St. Therese the Little Flower (whom JPII declared a “Doctor of the Church”) the “little way”; that is, doing even small things with great love.  In short, it seems to me that Pope John Paul II’s entire pontificate was dedicated to describing how to live the blueprint Pope John XXIII drew.

This weekend, the Church will celebrate the legacy of two great and holy men whose vision laid out a plan the rest of us could use to discover our destiny in Christ, and fulfill that destiny by looking for little ways to make a gift of ourselves to the world so that all of us might, one day, be one in him.   In a sense, Pope St. John XXIII and Pope St. John Paul II are the bookends of Vatican II.  As they are canonized this weekend, I pray that their intercession will see the fulfillment of the good work they started.

Communicating the Catholic Vision of Love to Your Kids.

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Dr. Gregory Popcak

birds and the bees

The following has been excerpted from the new, revised and expanded edition of Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids.

As Catholic parents, talking to our kids about sexuality is a tough job, but it’s our privilege to do it.  In both The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality and in Pope John Paul   II’s writings on family life, it’s pretty clear that the very point of parenting is forming our children’s capacity for love.   Of course, a huge part of that formation has to include teaching our children how to express the donative meaning of the body (i.e., that our body was given to us by God to work for the good of others) and live the gift of embodied love which, in marriage, includes sex.  

The Catholic Vision of Love: Not Second Best

The most important thing to keep in mind when thinking and talking about Catholic sexuality is that it offers a very different–and ultimately superior–vision to every other approach to sexuality on the planet. When we are preparing to talk to our children about sex, it is not enough to try to explain why Christians think differently about sexuality. Such approaches end up inadvertently sounding as if the secular approaches to sex are infinitely more rewarding, except that Christians are more “disciplined” about their sexuality. Rather, the Christian view is that the secular approach doesn’t even express true sexuality, which is often merely self-serving sensuality masquerading as “sexuality.”

Catholic Sexuality:   The One. The Original. The Real Thing.

The true Christian version of sexuality is what God intended when He gave us our sexuality in the first place. It is infinitely more real, more beautiful, and more satisfying than the shabby imitations the world attempts to foist on us.  Let’s take a closer look at this point. Imagine that you wanted to put some flowers outside your house. You have two options available: artificial (plastic or even silk) or real flowers.  At first thought, you might be leaning toward the plastic variety because of all the benefits artificial flowers give. You would get instant gratification by being able to see what your garden will look like. You wouldn’t have to water or fertilize, animals wouldn’t eat your flora, and you would never have to trim or transplant them.

While artificial flowers might look good at first–from a distance–they look pretty tacky on closer examination, especially sticking up out of the dirt, where they look downright ridiculous. Furthermore, artificial plants get dirty when it rains and will fade in the sun, and they don’t grow back when you accidentally hack them up with the weed-whacker. Last but not least, even the most expertly made artificial flowers don’t smell like anything.  So you begin to consider the second option: real flowers. Yes, there is more work involved. You have to water and fertilize, keep out rodents, and trim and occasionally transplant. But these flowers do not fade with time; in fact, they become more beautiful.   Sure, older blooms may wilt, but with some simple maintenance, new buds are constantly sprouting. Even over time, real flowers bear up under close scrutiny. Unlike the tacky plastic flowers, real flowers actually become more delightful when you look at them carefully. They are constantly changing, growing, and becoming more alluring, continually bursting forth with new life and new color. Likewise, few things are more wonderful than smelling the delicious fragrance of lavender, roses, freesia, lemon grass, and hundreds of other kinds of real flowers.

How Does YOUR Garden Grow?

In the same way, what passes for “sexuality” in our culture is merely a shabby, tacky imitation of what sex really is. They don’t have the real thing; we do. Honestly, most of secular society can’t handle the truth, so they try to come up with a cheap, “plastic-covered” approximation of what sex is supposed to be. Then they offer it to the rest of the world as the best kind of sexuality, just like the fake flowers in our analogy.  On closer examination, though, this view of sex doesn’t hold up. It isn’t vital, because it is openly hostile to new life. Rather than flowing from a deep spiritual friendship between two people, it seeks to replace and subvert that friendship. It doesn’t improve with time (in fact, it fades), because no real intimacy can exist in the absence of a spiritual friendship. Without intimacy, lovemaking of any kind becomes, over time, boring and less interesting.   It doesn’t stand up to conflict and stress (the weed-whacker in the analogy) because, in the secular version of sexuality, there isn’t supposed to be conflict and stress, only blissful ecstasy. At the first signs of trouble, then, the passion dies, and the couple breaks apart.

What Catholic Sexuality Offers

  • It offers spouses the chance to love and be loved (rather than use and be used) in the way we yearn for the most.
  • It offers a couple the freedom to be playful and joyful in a way that is never demeaning or degrading.
  • It allows a married couple to experience their lovemaking both as a physical sign of the passion God has for the couple and as a foreshadowing of the divine ecstasy that awaits us in heaven.
  • It allows a couple to communicate their whole physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational selves to one another every time they make love.
  • It invites the couple to renew their wedding vows with the “language of their bodies”–and celebrate their sacrament–every time they make love.
  • It offers protection from disease and heartbreak.
  • It encourages the couple to celebrate a love so powerful, so profound, that, in many cases, that (to quote Scott Hahn) “love has to be given its own name in nine months.”
  • It encourages a couple prayerfully to consider God’s plan for their lives every month, asking whether God is calling them to expand their “community of love” by being open to adding another life to the family.
  • It challenges a couple’s capacity for vulnerability and helps them overcome the basic shame that all humanity experienced after the Fall. It plays a part in preparing them to stand, completely exposed, before our Divine Lover when they arrive for the eternal wedding feast with God–heaven.

In short, the comparison between Catholic sexuality and the eroticism served up by secular society is like comparing real flowers to fake ones. There is no comparison. The reality is that the kind of sexuality espoused by the Church and especially illustrated in the Theology of the Body beats every secular alternative. It represents the fullness of sexuality as created by God, and as such it is absolutely good. It is far better than anything the world has to offer.  I understand how parents might feel tentative, nervous, or a little intimidated at that thought of discussing sex with their kids, but there is one thing no Catholic parent ever has to feel and that is ashamed.   The Catholic vision of love is the real thing.   Love your kids enough to give them the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth.

If you enjoyed what you read here, we highly recommend you pick up a copy of  Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids  for yourself. If you find yourself struggling or questioning anything you read here, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and get the answers you are seeking as well as the skills you need to succeed.

When There Are Too Many “I’s” in “Famiiily.”

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By: Gregory Popcak

i love me

Jennifer, married to Jim and mother of 4 children under 11, was seeking counseling for feelings of depression and some marital difficulties.   I asked her to describe her family life.

“We’re just so busy.   What with running the kids around to practices and games, and work, and school stuff, we just don’t have time to do anything together.   And as for Jim and I, forget it.   We talk about schedules and that sort of thing, but I can’t remember the last time we got a chance to pray together or have a really good talk.   But my friends are all the same way, at least we’re not alone, I guess.”

There Is No “I” in TEAM, but There is an “I” in FAMILY

Overcommitment is a plague that is killing the marriages and families of Christians and non-believers alike.   It is a disease that is directly rooted in our society’s value of the individual.   We live in a world that revolves around, “me first” and making sure every person gets plenty of “me time.”   There are so many choices of so many exciting things to do, parents are afraid of cheating themselves and their children of a host of enriching experiences intended to make sure each individual gets the most out of his or her own life.   If we and our kids aren’t involved in 4,000 activities–on Wednesday–every person feels as if he or she is missing out and often has no problem complaining about it.  All of this results in families that have too many “I’s” in them.   My tele-counseling practice is filled with people who take their personal prayer life seriously on the one hand, but live as married singles on the other.   Every day, I spend hours with families who would never think of missing mass, but don’t so much think of their family as a “domestic church” as a collection of individuals living under the same roof.

There is a saying, “There is no ‘I’ in TEAM.” This saying implies that the only thing that matters is the success of the group, not the individual members. There is something to this notion, but it doesn’t apply perfectly to family life.   After all, there is an “I” in “FAMILY.”     Although both are groups of individuals dedicated to important work, there are important differences between a team and a family.   A team exists to get a job done. To win the big game.   But a family exists to make us human.     Each individual member of the family group brings certain gifts to the table and has certain needs that must be met, and the character of the family will largely be defined by the strengths and weaknesses of its individual members.   The family that doesn’t respect the individual needs and strengths of its members–for instance by trying to look too similarly to some other family–will eventually collapse from trying to be something it’s not.

Even so, it is possible for there to be too many “I’s” in “FAMIIIIIILY” and that doesn’t work so well either.   While a family must respect the personalities of the individuals that make it up, the family also needs to remember that the work of being a family; of learning to love and serve one another and create a genuine community of love is what turns individual people into authentic human beings.  An analysis of 50 years of research on the importance of rituals and routines in family life (e.g, family meals, meaningful family and couple prayer times, game night, weekly family day, etc.) shows that the presence of regular family rituals and routines is almost more important to the strength of the family and the emotional health of the family members than the actual composition of the family itself.   For instance, a family that suffers divorce or the death of a member but maintains high levels of regular rituals and routines will, generally speaking, be healthier than an intact family that does little together.   Simple activities like the ones I listed above significantly improve marital satisfaction, decrease risk of depression and other emotional problems in family members, and lower the risk of behavioral and school problems in children.

The Gospel Truth  

Genesis tells us, “It is not good for man to be alone.”   We might do well to remember that God was speaking to families today as much as he was to Adam at the dawn of creation. When families neglect their communal life, they end up living out the most painful kind of solitude–loneliness in the presence of others–and each individual suffers for it.  While it is a wonderful thing to pursue enriching work and activities, and giving back to one’s community and Church is a Christian duty, there is no activity more important and no duty more significant to the Christian than the work of learning to serve and living to love. There is no institution more capable of teaching adults and children to do this work than the family.   That’s what Catholics calls the family “a school of love.”

Remember what St Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 1-3:

“If I speak in the tonguesof men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,but have not love, I gain nothing.”

If we win the Employee of the Year award but can’t make time to celebrate our spouse’s birthday…if we fill our kids’ schedules with music lessons, sports, and other “enrichment activities” but don’t teach them how to get along well with their siblings and do their chores cheerfully…if our Church bible study group thinks we’re the best thing since padded kneelers, but–truth be told– we just don’t enjoy the company of our spouse and kids, then we are failing the Faith in our homes.   We are simply mouthing the words of the Creed while we kneel before the altar of the Cult of Individuality.

St. Paul said that the world must be able to look at us an say, “Look at those Christians, see how they love.”   Now’s your big chance to evangelize the culture. This week, sit down with your mate, make whatever cuts are necessary, and carve out the time you need to do something radical–be a family. For further help in creating a family of love and service, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and get the skills you need to succeed.

Life Long Love–Guaranteed

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By: Gregory Popcak

 young couple

In my work with engaged and newly married couples, one of the most common questions I am asked is, “How can we be sure our love will last?”  Whether we are talking about Generation X’ers (those born between 1961-1980) or so-called “Millenials” (Those born between 1981-2000), we are living in the second generation of adults who were raised in the divorce culture.   Confidence in both the permanence of marriage, and perhaps more importantly, an individual couple’s ability to exhibit the skill that can enable them to go the distance is at an all time low.   One of the most common questions I encounter from engaged and married couples is, “How do I know ‘it’ can last?”

The good news is that there is no “it.”   Marriage is not an “it”; some store-bought product with a shelf-life or an expiration date.   It has no life of its own except for the life that the husband and wife pour into it.   Although this can be an intimidating idea to confront, it is really very freeing, because it means that you don’t have to contend with magical forces to enable your marriage to survive, you just have to commit yourself to doing the work that marriage requires over the long haul.   Here are some examples of some practical steps you can a take.

1) Pray Together

I can’t tell you the number of otherwise faithful couples I work with who would never think of  praying together.   “It’s too personal.” “It feels awkward.”  “I might get cooties!”  All right.   Nobody says that last thing, but they might as well.   While learning to pray with someone can be awkward, the process of “two becoming one” isn’t just a physical process.   It is a spiritual reality as well.   The couple that prays together, plugs into the power source of their love for one another–God.   They put themselves in the position of learning to love each other as God loves them.   Imagine that you wanted to heat a room with a space heater that was either not plugged in or not plugged in all the way.   The couple that doesn’t pray at all is the couple who hasn’t plugged in the heater.   The couple that only prays alone is represented by the space heater that is only plugged in part-way.   Only the couple who prays together can benefit fully from the warmth and light of God’s loving dwelling in their hearts and in their home.

2) Say “I Do” Everyday

Every day, a couple has the opportunity to say, “I do” or “I don’t” to their marriage all over again.  Every time a couple chooses to say, “yes” to a request from a spouse (assuming they are not asking for something immoral or demeaning), or offers assistance (bonus points for offering without being asked), or perform some act of service that makes life easier or more pleasant for the other partner, the couple is says, “I do” all over again.   But each time a spouse refuses a reasonable (i.e., not immoral) request, declines to help, or behaves annoyingly, that spouse says, “I don’t.”       Research shows that it takes at least 5 “I do’s” to make up for each “I don’t” and couples who are “marriage masters” exhibit 20 “I do’s “   for every 1, “I don’t.”     Making love last is as simple as saying, “I do” from moment to moment,  all day long.

3) Act Married

The term, “married single” describes a spouse who is married, but still acts as if he of she has  the right to  disregard his or her spouse when planning activities, making choices, or setting the schedule.   While a husband and wife don’t have to constantly hover over one another to have a successful marriage, they do need to consider each other first when making plans.   Fidelity in marriage doesn’t just mean avoiding other sexual partners.   It means being willing to put limits on all other relationships (including work) that compete for primacy with the marital relationship.   That can sometimes be a challenge, but it needs to be a challenge that is actively engaged by the couple, not avoided.

4) Live for a Greater Purpose

Remember that your marriage is about something much bigger than your mutual comfort  and convenience. Ultimately, your marriage is about living out a commitment to helping each other become everything God created you to be in this life and helping each other get to Heaven in the next.    Investing time and energy into your relationship is not simply necessary for the success of your marriage, it is necessary in order for your spiritual well-being.   That’s what it means to say that marriage is a “vocation.”   For the married couple, striving to be an exceptional spouse is the way you fulfill the identity you were given at your baptism.   It is the primary way that you will strive to become more like Christ.   Recognizing this profound spiritual dimension of your marriage enables you to live out what I call, “a marriage made for heaven.”   That is, a relationship where two people never take each other or their marriage for granted because they realize what’s at stake is not just their earthly happiness, but their heavenly destiny.

5) Maintain Your Marriage and Know When to Seek Help

Too many people think that a marriage is something they “have.”   In other words, they treat it like a  rock collection or some knickknack they acquired and will be just fine if you leave it to sit on a shelf.   But a marriage is not so much like a trinket as it is a plant–something that needs care and attention in order to be maintained, much less flourish.      Make the commitment that you will regularly read books about marriage, go on marriage retreats to learn more about marriage, and if you run into a problem that you can’t resolve easily on your own, don’t ignore it, get counseling help early–before you NEED counseling.  Marriage–like life and love–is what you make it.     Make the effort to have a marriage that will make the angels smile, and the neighbors sick with jealousy!

Going the Distance: Making Commuter Marriage Work

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By: Gregory Popcak

frsuterated couple

Mark’s company was downsizing and he knew that his job wasn’t safe.   At the encouragement of his boss and after much discussion and prayer with his wife, Elizabeth, Mark took a new position in the company that was much more secure, but required him to be out of state most of the week, every week. Overnight, and after 15 years of almost never leaving each other’s side, Mark and Liz have a commuter marriage and only see each other on weekends.  Liz says, “I find myself getting angry. I know it’s crazy, but I just get so resentful about having to do everything by myself.   I want the weekends to be good times between Mark and the kids. I’m happy to see him but we end up fighting in spite of ourselves. This is one of the hardest things we’ve ever gone through.

Over 1.3 million married couples either live separately or spend significant time apart each week because work takes them from home.   Certainly this is the experience of many military families, but it is also true of many in the transportation industry, as well as sales, consulting, and other lines of work that take employees far from home.  The dynamic of a commuter marriage presents several challenges, especially when children are involved.   Having been away for several days, it can often be difficult for the traveling spouse to re-enter the routine that the at-home family has established.   It can be hard to figure out how best to distribute the time the traveling spouse is at home.   How do you make sure that the marriage, kids, and chores all get the time and energy they need?     How does the at-home spouse keep from burning out while their mate is away?  The following tips can help you keep your marriage on track even when work keeps you away from each other.

Stay Supportive

It’s easy for the at-home spouse to go to a blaming place in his or her head.   Remember, in most cases, your mate doesn’t want to be away from home any more than you want him or her to be gone.   Talk openly and non-judgmentally about your frustration with the separation, be honest about how difficult it is to be apart, and brainstorm ways to minimize the emotional and practical stress of being in two separate places most of the time.

Take Advantage of Technology

A generation ago, couples had a much more difficult time staying in touch. With email, cell phones, digital pictures, web cams, there is no reason a travelling spouse cannot be an almost constant presence in the life of his or her at home family.   Being virtually there isn’t the same thing as being there, but it is a lot better than not being there at all.

Become the Problem Solver

If you are the spouse at home, it’s time to put on your thinking cap and problem solve.   On our radio program, we recently got a call from a long haul trucker whose wife would regularly call him to complain about things that would break around the house while he was gone.   The night before he called us, his wife had called him to say that their septic system was on the blink.   She refused to call the repair company, insisting that it was his job to do so.   Of course, being 800 miles from home without a local phone book made that difficult. By all means, the traveling spouse should expect to be involved in big decisions and even household maintenance as much as possible, but the at-home spouse should expect to present the traveling spouse with options for solving the problem (or better yet, just handle it) rather than presenting complaints about which the traveling spouse can do little.

Seek Outside Help

Although you’re probably loathe to spend the money on a housekeeper or handyman or other support people, you may want to reconsider that reluctance or seek lower cost help (college students, homeschooling “mom’s helpers”).   No one can do it alone, and when a spouse is on the road, you need all the help you can get.   Don’t let your pride stop you from seeking as much help as you can either afford or avail yourself of.   Your sanity and your marriage depend upon the at-home spouse getting whatever help is necessary to keep things moving.

Cultivate and Communicate your Routine

It is hard for the travelling spouse to constantly enter and exit the family.   Think of a juggler who is juggling 4 balls and suddenly has a 5th thrown at him.   There is a different rhythm and pattern that needs to be established.  For commuter marriages to work well, there needs to be constant communication between the traveling spouse and the at-home spouse regarding the schedule that is being kept so that when the traveling spouse comes home, he or she can step right into the rhythm that was established in his or absence.   It may still take some adjustment, but it will be a lot easier than jumping into the family with conflicting plans and expectations.

Practice Random Acts of Kindness

Many couples in commuter marriages work hard to do little things for each other even while they’re away.   The at-home spouse may tuck notes, photos, or small tokens into the traveling partner’s suitcase to serve as reminders of family left at home.  The travelling spouse may leave notes at home in unexpected places to find at a later date, or send flowers “just because” or any number of other thoughtful gestures.   In successful commuter marriages, both the husband and wife recognize that romance isn’t limited to face-to-face contact.

Make the Time You Do Have Together Count

Make sure that when the travelling spouse comes home that there is a plan for getting time as a couple, as a family, and at least a little one-on-one time with each child.   This can seem overwhelming, but prior planning can make it possible by giving mom and dad some prayer time or private time, getting some game time with the kids, and reading a story or taking a walk or something else with one child or another. There is no question that commuter marriages are a challenge, but by being intentional about the relationship, couples can stay in touch and in love even when work tries to pull them in separate directions.

If you or your spouse are struggling with the challenges associated with a commuter marriage, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today. Talk to us and get the skills you and your family need to succeed.

“Honey Don’ts” and Helicopters

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Gregory K. Popcak, Ph.D.

 father and son

You’ve heard of the “honey-do’s” the lists that plague husbands the world over.   Well now there is the parenting equivalent,   the “honey-don’ts.”   These are the mental lists of all the things that kids shouldn’t do, can’t touch, and had best not try. Providing guidance to our children is an extraordinarily important part of being a good parent. Children’s intellect and impulse control are not well-developed.   They need parents to guide them, form them, and help them negotiate the challenges associated with leading successful lives and having healthy relationships.   But when does guidance become suffocation?  Though overall, crime and public health and safety statistics say the world is safer healthier place, parents are more anxious than ever.   In 1969,   41% of kids rode their bikes to school compared to 13% in 2001. Death by injury has dropped by 50% since 1980, but parents in communities across the US lobby hard to remove climbing structures from playgrounds because they are “too dangerous.”   And 6-8 year olds   have 25% less free play time today than they did in 1981. Today, structured play and scheduled play-dates are the rule, not the exception.

None of this is meant to suggest that parental presence and involvement is a bad thing.   In some ways, parents have more involved because of the structure of our communities.   In 1969, most people knew their neighbors.   Rightly or wrongly, parents felt they could trust the people living around them because they were fixtures.   People didn’t move around as much.   Families stayed in one town, or even the same neighborhood, for generations.   But today, a Pew Center study found that only 19% of respondents could name all of their neighbors.   A lack of familiarity breeds suspicion.   We may smile at the neighbors, but we don’t know them, and we’re pretty sure they can’t be trusted around our kids.  Plus, there is just more information about parenting than there used to be.   Before Dr. Spock came along, nobody ever thought that there could be anything objective about parenting. You just did what came naturally.   Now, only 3 generations later, there is so much information about the best way to make sure a kid is properly, fed, bred, socialized, and turned-out, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by everything it takes to do parenting, “right.”

Attachment vs. Overparenting

There is a danger, of course, in just throwing up our hands and rolling our eyes at all those over-involved moms and dads.   It is possible, in our reaction to the overparenting phenomenon, to treat any parenting recommendation that challenges us or is outside of our comfort zone as if it is “too over the top” and just another sign of helicopter parenting.   We have to be careful of the temptation to be more in love with our comfort zones than we are with our kids.   We must remember that self-donation is a critical part of healthy parenting.  Being involved with our kids is good.   Providing adequate supervision of play dates so kids can get along well with each other is good. Knowing that our kids are safe is good.   Knowing how to train kids to eat well, pray well, and live healthy lives is good.   Helping our kids know that we are available to answer their questions and meet their needs at every age and stage is good.   All of these things constitute healthy attachment and provide the basis for our kids academic, social, and spiritual well-being.

But doing these things with too intense an attitude stops being attachment and starts being enmeshment.   Enmeshment is attachment’s evil twin.   It is a kind of parental presence that is crippling.   Enmeshed parents are so concerned that their child will do the wrong thing, get the wrong answer, or attempt to do things the wrong way that they are constantly intervening whether their kids need it or not or want it or not.   While there is a right way to do many things, enmeshed parents tend to believe that there is “absolutely one right way” to do everything; cleaning your room, talking to friends, saying your prayers, eating at the table.   They see it as their job to swoop in and intervene at the first sign of struggle lest the child “fail.”   A recent study published in the Journal of Pediatrics found that kids from enmeshed families are at higher risk for anxiety disorders and both academic and social problems because they can’t think for themselves and are so stressed about doing things “the right way” that they can’t do anything independently for fear of making a mistake.  In other words, it is not the fact that a parent is present, informed, and involved that is the problem.   That’s basic attachment, a healthy ingredient in any parent-child relationship.   Rather, it is the parent’s own fear of failure combined with the fear that the child might fail at some task (or relationship) which would reflect badly on my parental effort   that pushes attachment to enmeshment, conveying to the child the message that, “you can’t do anything right without me at your side.” In searching for the line between healthy attachment and over-parenting, parents would do well to follow this simple rule.   In the face of a new task, “Know your child.   Watch initially.   Teach when necessary.   Back off as circumstances permit.”

Know your child

Knowing your child means putting in the time to know how your child reacts in certain environments, what keeps him calm and on target, and what help he needs cooling down when he starts to get too worked up.   It means having put enough time and energy into the relationship with your child that he knows that you are available to help if needed, but that you also know what he is capable of and that you expect him to use those abilities before turning to you.

Watch Initially

Resist the urge to swoop in and take over the second your child is in a new situation or seems to be struggling.   Let your child wrestle with the new puzzle, or try to handle the disagreement with his brother.   See what he does.    Give him a couple of attempts to resolve the situation on his own before stepping in with any advice.   Watch his emotional temperature .   Know the line between frustration and futility.   If your child is just frustrated because he has made a few mistakes or missteps, that’s ok.   Let it go.   But if your child’s effort is becoming futile and he can’t figure out how to negotiate a turn with his friends after several tries or can’t figure out how to accomplish a task and looks like he is ready to give up, then you might offer some basic support.

Teach When Necessary

Sometime after your child is becoming frustrated, but before things become futile, offer your child a helpful suggestion.   Provide the least information you think your child will need to figure the rest out on his own.   Ask, “How could you say that more respectfully?” instead of telling him exactly what to say.   Say, “I see you’re holding that squiggly piece of the puzzle.   Is there another squiggly piece that might fit?   No?   Did you look in the left side of the pile?” instead of picking up the piece and saying, “Here it is.   Put them together like this.”   The point is, you want to ask questions that will give just enough hints without solving the problem for them.  This is where enmeshed parents make their fatal mistake.   They can’t leave anything to chance, and they don’t trust that their kid will “get it.”   They fear parenting failure so much that they need to resolve the tension more for themselves than for their child.   Sure, there will be times that your child just needs you to intervene and show them how something is done, but that should be the exception, not the rule.

Back Off As Soon As Possible

Once your child has gotten just enough information to figure out what to do, praise him (“Nice work!   You did a great job figuring that out!”) and back off. In future situations, repeat the know-watch-teach-back off cycle.  None of this is to say that any child learns everything they need to learn having been prompted once.   Most kids need to do things over and over before a new habit becomes ingrained, but you can speed their learning, their sense of independence, and their healthy sense of self-confidence by providing the support they need to succeed in life, not by doing life’s homework for them.

The Gift of Siblings

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By: Gregory Popcak

kids

So here’s one for all the moms and dads of many who are a little worn out from all the negative comments on the playground and at the water cooler.   It turns out the Church is right, the best gift you can give to your children is a sibling. In fact, maybe several.  A recent study conducted by sociologists at The Ohio State University shows that an individual child’s risk of divorcing as an adult decreases by about 2% per sibling.   The researchers found a steady increase in marital stability for children from large families up to at least 7 children.   The limits of the study prevented researchers from making assertions beyond this point.  A previous study by the same authors in 2004 found that kindergarten teachers rated children from larger families as better socialized than only children (although this tended to wear off by adolescence when only children catch up socially with their peers from larger families).  Research seems to support the idea that children from larger families have a potential advantage when it comes to both present socialization and future relationships.   That shouldn’t be a huge surprise.   When you have a group of people around you all the time it increases the opportunities to learn important lessons about sharing, taking turns, cooperating, putting others first, and, simultaneously, advocating for your own needs.

That said, these skills don’t happen automatically.   I am aware of some children from larger families who struggle mightily in their adult relationships.   The difference is that adult children from larger families who have better relationship skills tended to come from families who were more intentional about teaching their children those skills, who made an effort to attach to their children as individuals, to demonstrate ample affection, and provide instruction and supervision on how to share, how to wait, and when to speak up.   By contrast, adult children from larger families who tend to assume that kids will just pick up relationship skills because they are in a larger family tend not to do as well.   Children do not learn socialization from other children.   They learn socialization by being given the opportunity to interact with other children under the active and intentional supervision of caring adults.  Whatever your family size, consider the following suggestions for helping your children get the most out of their interactions with each other.

1. Get One-on-One Time with Your Children.

All the research on sibling rivalry suggests that the more viciously siblings fight, the more the perception exists among the children that there just isn’t enough mom and dad to go around.   There is a joke among college professors that arguments between the faculty and administration are so bitter and critical because the stakes are so low.   If parents aren’t careful, a similar dynamic can exist in family life no matter how big or small your family is.   If the brothers and sisters get the impression that there just isn’t enough love and attention to go around, they will tear each other apart to get their bite at the scraps. Getting regular one-on-one time with your children is one, important way to beat this.  Getting one-on-one time in a large family doesn’t have to be a daunting proposition.   We know an excellent mom and dad of 11 kids who each keep a list of their kids in their pockets with check marks to see who has gotten to accompany that parent to the store or on some other errand.   They’ll regularly consult the list and invite one of their children along for the ride and some alone time with mom or dad.   Plus, each parent has a schedule where they get monthly dates with their kids.   It takes effort with such a large family, but their commitment is deeply appreciated by their children.

2.   Use Do-Overs to Teach Positive Interactions Among Sibs.

I regularly recommend that parents use “do-overs” to correct disrespectful speech and actions toward them or between their children.   Most disrespectful or aggressive behavior between children is due to kids genuinely not knowing how to express tough emotions like anger, frustration, or impatience in a faithful, effective way.   It’s up to us to teach them.   When one child speaks inappropriately to his brother or sister.   Give him the words to express his feeling respectfully and then make him actually say those words–with the right tone of voice and facial expression–to the sibling he offended.   Have him repeat it until he gets it right.   If he still won’t do it after 3- or so tries, send him to time out until he is willing to say it…properly.   The child needs to get the message that respecting his siblings is too important and that he will not be permitted to go on with his life until he has demonstrated that he is capable of expressing his emotions properly.   When they realize you’re serious, they’ll do it, and soon, they’ll be treating each other with respect without you making them do it because you will have given them the skills to succeed.

3.   Encourage Teamwork and Mutual Service

It is good to give kids individual chores for which they can be held responsible, but it is equally important to give kids a chance to work together and help each other by having certain chores the whole family does together as a team.   The rule to completing a chore as a team is that everyone must work to their full potential, but when one person is done with their part, they must go and help a sibling until the whole task has been completed.   If a child is dragging his feet you can deal with that later by assigning additional chores for “generosity practice”   but that’s a separate issue.   Give kids the opportunity to work together and take care of each other; to be part of a family team.

Likewise, encourage your kids to do little acts of kindness for each other.   One thing we’ve done is have the kids write a list of things that make them feel cared for or appreciated.   Things like “Getting to ride shot-gun”, or “Getting to go first with the video game” , or “having my favorite ice cream in the freezer.”   We have our kids exchange their lists with the expectation that they will all do something thoughtful for each other from the list every day.   The kids then share what they did for each other at dinner.   Getting this started can require some parental encouragement and correction (especially if a child tries to get away with doing the same, too-easy, thing every day).   But with appropriate support, your kids will come to appreciate the little ways you are teaching them to care for each other and look out for each other.

We offer many more ideas like this in the Sibling Revelry chapter of Parenting with Grace.  The point is, by being intentional about teaching your kids virtues like generosity, thoughtfulness, service, and respect, you can help your family become the school of love the Church says it was meant to be.   You will not only benefit your family, but your kid’s kids as well. For more information on how to raise kids in a godly manner, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach  and get the skills you need to succeed.