OUTRAGE! Divorce, Remarriage and Getting Kicked Out of the Catholic Hospital.

Posted on October 16, 2015 by GREG

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I had a conversation with a reporter yesterday from a prominent newspaper about the ongoing Synod on the Family. We had a great discussion and I appreciated her time. In particular, we talked a lot about people who felt alienated from the Church (and those who are divorced and remarried in particular). The conversation left me in a thoughtful mood. In particular, I was left reflecting on the question, “Why, exactly, do so many people feel excluded by the Church–especially those who are divorced and remarried–and what can we do about it?”

Missing the Mission.

People’s anger at the Church is real and deserves to be met with respect and compassion. At the same time, it appears to me that a lot of the anger and pain is caused by confusion about what Church is and what it’s meant to do. In order to appropriately address people’s hurt, I think we, as Church, need to do a better job of communicating our mission. What does that mean?

The Church as Hospital

Pope Francis noted that the Church is a hospital. That sounds very affirming and it is. But what people forget is that you only need to go to the hospital if you’re sick. At the point when you think you’re healthy, you either don’t need the hospital or you have to leave it.

The problem–in our metaphor of Church as hospital–is that, these days, a lot of people come to the hospital because they think it is a nice building with a lot of interesting equipment in it and they want to explore the various rooms. Eventually, they bump into a doctor. Mistaking them for a patient, he asks what’s wrong with them. They become offended and exclaim, “How dare you say there is something wrong with me?!?” The doctor stares at the erstwhile patient and, in all innocence, says, “Well then, if you aren’t sick, then what are you doing here? You’re not just trespassing are you?” And the person screams, “How dare you try to exclude me!”

What’s Your Diagnosis?

The Church is far from perfect, but too often people who assert that they are alienated from the Church feel that way primarily because the Church necessarily insists that to be a member you have to be willing to admit that you (1) are spiritually sick, (2) that you need a diagnosis (i.e., “sinner”), and (3) that you must be willing to participate in the treatment. If you aren’t willing to do those things, you really have no business taking beds and food away from the patients who are lining up in the hall waiting to be admitted. If you’re really so healthy, what are you doing playing with the IV’s? Go, live your life! Be happy!

It isn’t that people’s anger at the Church isn’t real and doesn’t deserve to be respected, but that doesn’t change the fact that the Church is really only for people who are willing to see it as the place where they get diagnosed and treated for the spiritual diseases that are preventing them from receiving the gift of eternal life.

Marriage: Here’s Your Sign…

As I mentioned above, much of my conversation with the reporter focused, specifically, on the fact that Catholics who have remarried after divorce feel excluded from the Church. This is a profoundly sad and painful reality. But to understand why these couples are not admitted to communion, you need to understand that the Church thinks of marriage differently than the world does. While the Church certainly values the earthly benefits of marriage, the Church primarily values marriage because of what it points toward. Marriage is meant to be an icon to the world; a physical sign of the kind of unconditional, committed love God wants to share with each of us (Eph 5:31-32). The fact that God wants this kind of relationship with us is a mind-blowing concept. It’s hard to get our heads around it. We need some kind of experience–some physical sign– that shows us this sort of love is even possible. This is where marriage comes in. The Church intends sacramental marriage to be a sign to the world that the kind of love God wants to share with us really is possible.

A Broken Sign

When the Church says that there is something wrong with remarriage after divorce (without the benefit of an annulment) it isn’t saying that the couple can’t somehow manage to be happy together or that there is anything (necessarily) wrong with that couple’s relationship from a worldly POV. It is, however, saying that that the couples’ “sign” is broken. That is, they cannot adequately represent to the world the faithful love that Bridegroom Christ has for the his Bride, the Church. That really isn’t a judgment against the couple. It is a spiritual diagnosis. Having broken communion in their marriage, the divorced and remarried Catholic (who has not sought the benefit of an annulment) now becomes a de facto sign of the broken communion that exists when we are unfaithful to the Christ, the Bridegroom. People who have remarried after divorce without the benefit of an annulment are still very much welcome in church, but their lives now becomes a visible sign of the alienation we experience when we are unfaithful to the Bridegroom–as we often are. This is a very painful reality but it is not a judgment on divorced and remarried couples. Rather, it is an acknowledgment that the sign they are attempting to live through their remarriage is, in fact, seriously broken and that they are in need of healing. The Church is eager to do whatever is possible to facilitate that healing and so she welcomes the divorce and remarried person just like she welcomes any other patient to the hospital, not with judgment, but with a diagnosis and a treatment plan.

A Painful Course of Treatment

Because it cuts right through the heart of the primary image God uses to reveal his love for the Church, remarriage after divorce (without the benefit of an annulment) is a particularly serious spiritual disorder. Currently, there are only two treatment options; either the couple can embrace the penance of living as brother and sister unless or until they can receive a declaration of nullity for the original and still valid marriage, or the couple can embrace the penance of being that broken sign and refrain from communion. These are painful treatments, but as any cancer patient can tell you, treatments for serious illnesses are often quite painful. Again, the treatment is not a judgment on the couple. It is a recognition of the seriousness of the spiritual disorder.

Asking Important Questions

I understand that a lot of people don’t get this. They feel judged, and that’s a very serious problem. Frankly, the Church has done a horrible job communicating these truths and this is one thing the Synod is attempting to address. One importnat question the Synod Fathers are asking is, “Is there a way that we can continue to do our job of diagnosing and providing treatment for spiritual disorders–such as remarriage after divorce–without making people feel judged by our diagnoses?” Another question is, “Are there treatments for this disorder (of remarriage after divorce) that could work as well but be less painful?” These are important but challenging questions, and there aren’t an easy answers to either of them–hence all the sturm und drang around the synod. But one thing the Church cannot do is say that a spiritual sickness is actually a sign of health, and a broken sign is, actually, not broken.

To learn more about how you can experience a more joyful, loving, passionate, grace-filled marriage, please check out the brand new, revised and expanded 2nd edition or For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage.

In-Law Conflict? New Study Suggests a Simple Solution

Posted on October 14, 2015 by GREG

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The key to dealing with future in-laws who disapprove of your relationship may involve showing them what a good influence you are on their child. In the Springer journal Human Nature, Menelaos Apostolou shares the results of interviews with Greek- Cypriot children and parents and also finds that mothers may be more easily won over than fathers.

Children frequently choose mates who do not appeal to their parents. For instance, they may choose individuals who are physically attractive, even though parents are more concerned with social standing and family background.

“Parents do not always find their children’s mate choices to comply with their own preferences and engage in manipulation in order to drive away undesirable boyfriends and girlfriends,” comments Apostolou. “To avoid this situation, individuals engage in counter manipulation in order to change their prospective parents-in-law’s minds to accept them as mates for their children.”

Parents can employ various tactics to dissolve the relationship, including bribery or threatening their children’s mate. Meanwhile, children also have a battery of manipulation tactics they employ on their parents to make them accept their mates, including showing them that their mates are right for them and make them happy. However, little is known about how children’s partners try to manipulate their prospective parents-in-law and which tactics are most successful.

The first part of the study involved 106 Greek-Cypriots answering an open-ended questionnaire. This revealed 41 separate acts that individuals employed on their partners’ parents.

These acts included showing the parents how appropriate they are for their child, inviting them for dinner, buying gifts, and even standing up to the parents by telling them they were not worthy of their behaviour.

The second part of the study involved 738 Greek- Cypriots identifying the acts that were most likely to be employed, which Apostolou grouped into seven broader manipulation tactics.

The most likely tactic to be used is labelled “I am right for your child,” in which they demonstrate to the prospective parents-in-law how good they are as mates for their children. Following this comes the “I do not deserve this!” tactic, where they show their mates’ parents that they do not deserve their rejection. Third most common is the “Why don’t you like me?” tactic, where individuals try to determine why the parents disapprove and try to change their minds.

Other tactics include “No confrontation”; “You have to accept the situation!” where they can threaten the parents by saying they risk never seeing their grandchildren; and the “Approach” tactic, where individuals try to grow closer to the parents by inviting them for dinner and buying gifts. Least common is the “Tell them I am good!” tactic in which they ask their mates to persuade their parents.

In the third part of the study, Apostolou questioned 414 Greek-Cypriot parents to find out the effectiveness of these tactics in altering parents’ minds.

The “I am right for your child” and “No confrontation” tactics were found to be most likely to be successful, whereas “Approach” and “Tell them I am good!” were least likely to be successful.

The results also suggest that mothers may be more likely to be influenced by some of these tactics than fathers.

The limitations of the study include its reliance on self-report data, and it being based on a single culture, which means its results may not readily apply to different cultural settings.

Story Source:

The above post is reprinted from materials provided by Springer. Note: Materials may be edited for content and length.

Journal Reference:

Menelaos Apostolou. I Am Right for Your Child!. Human Nature, 2015; DOI: 10.1007/s12110-015-9241-8

Are You Getting The Help You Need? 5 Ways Seeking Help Can Make Things Worse

Posted on October 8, 2015 by GREG

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Are your attempts to seek help actually making things worse?

Earlier today, Simcha Fisher featured a guest post titled Married to An Angry Man written by Monica More (a pseudonym). It’s a story about a woman who is struggling in her marriage and who feels that all of her efforts to seek help have failed. My heart broke when I read it because it is a story I encounter so often. I am grateful to Monica for sharing her story because it is an opportunity to highlight the things every couple can do to get the help they need–especially when things seem hopeless.

Getting the Right Kind of Help

Sometimes it can feel like nothing you try works, but that doesn’t have to be the case. One of the 8 habits that separates so-called “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters” is that successful couples tend to have a knack for knowing when, where and how to get competent help. By contrast, couples who are struggling often don’t know how to find healthy supports. Like a drowning man desperately flailing around for something–anything–to hold onto whether it would be helpful or not, the pain struggling couples experience often causes them to inadvertently reject things that could be helpful and latch onto things that aren’t.

The following illustrates some common mistakes spouses make in seeking help and offers some ways to overcome these obstacles to marital healing.

1. “I read books that told me to love more and give more… but they just made things worse.”

Inspirational books written by well-meaning people who have gone through the normal ups and downs of married life are often of little use to couples struggling with serious problems. Moreover, these kinds of inspirational, personal anecdote-driven, quasi-advice books can actually make a struggling marriage worse because they typically ask readers to adopt an even more vulnerable posture (love more, give more, be more patient and understanding). Being more generous and vulnerable are great recommendations for a basically good marriage that has gone a little stale, but if a marriage is challenged, and especially if there is any kind of abuse, adopting such a posture will create an increasingly toxic environment.

If you are having difficulties–and especially if you are dealing with consistent disrespect, cruelty, or abuse of any kind–it is terribly important to seek out self-help resources (books, programs) developed by professional counselors that are trained to offer strategies for handling complicated relationship problems. Not all of these books are great, but even an average book written by a professional marriage counselor is going to be more helpful than a more inspirational/personal witness-type book. Inspirational books are fine if all you need to do is find the strength to keep doing what you’re doing, but if what you’re doing isn’t working, you need to get new tools and you need to learn how to use those new tools under pressure. It is exactly in those times that you need to look for resources (a book, a program) written by an expert with the education and experience necessary to help you find a new path forward.

2. “My Spouse Doesn’t Want To Go To Counseling”

Asking one’s spouse’s permission to seek professional help is another one of the most common mistakes couples make. No one wants to have to go to counseling and many people would prefer to delay it as long as possible. Studies show that couples tend to wait 4-6 years from the onset of problems to the time they even begin to seek professional help. On top of this, if one’s spouse is abusive, emotionally or otherwise, there is even less of a motivation for the offending spouse to want to seek help even if they say they would like to stop. Why? Because, sadly, the marriage actually works for them. The angry, emotionally manipulative, or abusive spouse has all kinds of strategies for getting what he or she wants out of the relationship. Going to therapy means risking giving up all that control and risking NOT getting what he or she wants. If you are miserable and your spouse is persistently resistant to therapy despite your misery, 9 times out of 10 it is because the marriage works as far as your spouse is concerned.

So what do you do? Make the appointment anyway. If you had cancer, you wouldn’t ask your spouse’s permission to seek treatment. If your marriage has cancer but your spouse is too stubborn or clueless to know it, get help anyway. The best way to get your spouse into therapy is to let them know you are going with or without them. When they know you are absolutely serious about getting help, most spouses will come along if for no other reason than they want to make sure the therapist gets their side of the story. But even if your spouse never accompanies you to counseling, a therapist trained in one-person marital therapy can still help you make huge improvements in your marriage even working on your own. One person marital therapy involves learning to set respectful boundaries that thwart unhealthy marital behaviors and encourage healthy ones. Often it results in the offending spouse willing joining in the process at a later date, but even when it doesn’t, a solo-spouse can make big changes in the marriage.

The key, however–and this is critical–is seeking help from a trained marital therapist. Many therapists say they do marital therapy but have absolutely no training in it. Their success rates tend to be around 30% while trained marital therapists have success rates over 90%. Make sure your counselor has had specific training and supervision in marital therapy. Specifically, ask if they have training in systems theory and/or Gottman Relationship Therapy, two of the most successful, empirically-validated approaches to marital therapy.

3. “We went to a couple of session, but it didn’t do anything.”

Of course, going to therapy isn’t a guarantee for success but there are a few common reasons a couples’ attempts at therapy don’t work.

The first reason, as I noted above, is that the couple may be seeking help from an individual therapist who is doing marital counseling without proper training. These therapists’ success rates are abysmal compared to therapists who have undergone specific training and supervision in effective approaches to marital therapy. (incidentally, all therapists with the Pastoral Solutions Institute tele-counseling practice are required to commit to ongoing training and supervision in the latest, empirically-based approaches to marital therapy).

Second, research shows that serious marital problems often require a commitment of at least 12-24 sessions. That can feel like a long time, but 3-6 mos is not a long time compared to the fact–again–that most couples wait 4-6 years before seeking help. Couples who get help sooner get better faster. Generally speaking, the longer you wait, the bigger the problem gets. Regardless, it takes time to heal. It is important to keep in mind that there is no point of beginning therapy if you can’t commit to the full process. Think of it this way, if you don’t finish a course of antibiotics and you get sick again, that doesn’t mean antibiotics don’t work on you. It means you didn’t complete the treatment.

Third, couples often become demoralized when one spouse seems to be undermining the process by constantly complaining about the expense, not doing the homework, or incessantly pouting about having to go. All of these are simply tactics to maintain the status quo because–again–the marriage works for this recalcitrant spouse. Usually, this behavior will stop in a few weeks once the offending spouse realizes that it won’t stop their mate from making the next appointment. But, even if one’s spouse’s foot-dragging begins to seriously compromise progress, a shift to One-Person Marital Therapy can make all the difference as that solo-spouse begins to learn ways to set effective boundaries that spoil the games the offending spouse is playing.

The bottom line, make sure you are working with a trained marital therapist, then stick with it even if your spouse resists. Again, marital counseling is successful over 90% of the time when working with a therapist who actually knows what he or she is doing.

4. “Counseling was too expensive.”

I am, of course sympathetic to this concern. Unfortunately, medical treatment, including psychological help, is expensive. The good news is, most insurers do have some mental health benefit and you should take advantage of it when possible. But even if you don’t have good health insurance, as of 2013, the average divorce costs between $15,000-$20,000 plus a lifetime of hassle negotiating childcare, support, house rules, etc. By contrast, an entire year’s worth of marital therapy (should you even need that much) would cost about $5,000-$6,000. That’s not cheap, but it is up to 75% less expensive than the alternative on the high end of both duration and cost.
5. “I went to spiritual direction/counseling with my pastor”

Most people do not understand that there is a HUGE difference between spiritual direction and counseling (Note, I teach college courses in both counseling and spiritual direction). Simply put, a spiritual director’s job is to help you find God in the situation you find yourself whatever it is, while a therapist’s job is to help you change your situation. Spiritual direction, in short, is really not about changing anything so much as it is about being able to understand how God is relating to you through your present circumstances.

A woman in an abusive relationship might experience her spiritual director telling her to “join her sufferings to the cross of Christ” while her therapist is telling her to “stand up to your husband and set boundaries.” This is not conflicting advice. It is complementary. Someone who is experiencing a spouse’s cruelty needs to be able to both change their situation and experience God’s love in their present trials. Unfortunately, less experience spiritual directors often do not inform directees of this distinction between therapy and spiritual direction and many therapists don’t understand anything about the nature spiritual direction. And the public suffers from the confusion that results.

There is Good Help. You Can Find It.

These are just a few of the common mistakes couples make that cause them to be deprived of competent and effective help. I discuss many more ways to ensure you get the help you need in my book, When Divorce Is NOT An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love. Likewise, if you feel that it’s time to get professional marriage counseling help from a therapist with actual training and supervisions in marital therapy but don’t know where to look, I’d invite you to learn more about how we can help you through the Pastoral Solutions Institute’s pastoral tele-counseling practice.

Just know that regardless of your situation, competent help is available to you. Don’t be afraid to seek it out and don’t be afraid to commit to it when you find it. I pray that God will lead you to the healing you seek.

Pphubb You.

Posted on October 6, 2015 by GREG

Yesterday on More2Life Radio, Bill Donaghy of the Theology of the Body Institute spoke of what he called, “Digital Contraception”; times when we let screens (phones, tablets, laptops, etc) come between us and opportunities for communion with others. I didn’t discover this in time for yesterday’s show, but psychology actually has a name for this phenomenon, “Partner Phone Snubbing” or “Pphubbing.” A new study by Baylor University examines the frequency and impact of Pphubbing on intimate relationships….

A provocative new study suggests our trusted partner and confidant — the cell phone — can harm interpersonal relationships and lead to higher levels of depression.

Baylor University researchers James A. Roberts, Ph.D., and Meredith David, Ph.D., conducted two separate surveys, accounting for a total of 453 adults in the U.S., with the intention of learning the relational effects of “Pphubbing,” or “partner phone snubbing.”

Pphubbing is described in the study as the extent to which people use or are distracted by their cellphones while in the company of their relationship partners.

“What we discovered was that when someone perceived that their partner phubbed them, this created conflict and led to lower levels of reported relationship satisfaction,” Roberts said.

“These lower levels of relationship satisfaction, in turn, led to lower levels of life satisfaction and, ultimately, higher levels of depression.”

The first survey of 308 adults helped Roberts and David develop a “Partner Phubbing Scale,” a nine-item scale of common smartphone behaviors that respondents identified as snubbing behaviors.

The resulting scale includes statements such as:

My partner places his or her cellphone where they can see it when we are together;
My partner keeps his or her cellphone in their hand when he or she is with me;
My partner glances at his/her cellphone when talking to me;
If there is a lull in our conversation, my partner will check his or her cellphone.

The development of the scale is significant, the study states, because it demonstrates that “Pphubbing is conceptually and empirically different from attitude toward cellphones, partner’s cellphone involvement, cellphone conflict, and cellphone addiction.”

The second survey of 145 adults measured Pphubbing among romantic couples. This was done, in part, by asking those surveyed to respond to the nine-item scale developed in the first survey.

Other areas of measurement in the second survey included cellphone conflict, relationship satisfaction, life satisfaction, depression, and interpersonal attachment style (e.g., “anxious attachment” describes people who are less secure in their relationship).

Results of the survey showed that:

46.3 percent of the respondents reported being phubbed by their partner;
22.6 percent said this phubbing caused conflict in their relationships;
36.6 percent reported feeling depressed at least some of the time.

Overall, only 32 percent of respondents stated that they were very satisfied with their relationship, the study shows.

“In everyday interactions with significant others, people often assume that momentary distractions by their cell phones are not a big deal,” David said. “However, our findings suggest that the more often a couple’s time spent together is interrupted by one individual attending to his/her cellphone, the less likely it is that the other individual is satisfied in the overall relationship.

“Specifically, momentary distractions by one’s cellphone during time spent with a significant other likely lowers the significant other’s satisfaction with their relationship, and could lead to enhanced feelings of depression and lower well-being of that individual.

“Thus, when spending time with one’s significant other, we encourage individuals to be cognizant of the interruptions caused by their cellphones, as these may well be harmful to their relationship.”

Roberts explained that those with anxious attachment styles (less secure in their relationship) were more bothered (reported higher levels of cellphone conflict) than those with more secure attachment styles (more secure in their relationship). In addition, lower levels of relationship satisfaction — stemming, in part, from being Pphubbed — led to decreased life satisfaction that, in turn, led to higher levels of depression.

Given the ever-increasing use of smartphones to communicate between romantic partners, the study helps to understand how the use of smartphones can impact not only satisfaction with romantic relationships, but also personal well-being, Roberts said.

“When you think about the results, they are astounding,” Roberts said. “Something as common as cellphone use can undermine the bedrock of our happiness: our relationships with our romantic partners.”

The study is published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior.

For more great tips on how you can experience greater love in your life, check out the new, revised and expanded edition of For Better…FOREVER! The Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage (2nd Ed. Revised and Expanded). It offers TONS of new tips, techniques and insights including several new chapters on what makes Catholic marriage unique and how you can experience the fullness of the Catholic vision of love!

Source: Baylor University/EurekAlert

Greg Camacho LOVES “Broken Gods”

Posted on October 6, 2015 by GREG

Greg Camacho at the Pilgrim Center of Hope has a lovely review of one of my newest books, Broken Gods: Hope, Healing and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart.

In this great new book, Dr. Popcak contends that “when God looks at you, He sees a god” (with a small g). It might seem crazy or even blasphemous, but that’s only because we’re used to seeing ourselves as broken, struggling, failing and frustrated. Subtitled Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart, the book demonstrates how the seven deadly sins and seven heavenly virtues relate to one another.

In Broken Gods, a work that is both practical and inspirational, Dr. Popcak explores what our deepest desires — and even our darkest desires — tell us about our ultimate destiny and reveals a commonsense approach to fulfilling our true purpose.

This book is a “must” for everyone seeking to integrate his or her emotions, doubts, and feelings of failure, with a true, joyful spirituality.

Thanks Greg! And many blessings on the great work of the Pilgrim Center of Hope!

Hey Parents! Stop Asking Permission to Be A Family!

Posted on October 1, 2015 by GREG

Moms and dads, I want to let you in on a secret. You don’t need permission from your children’s coaches, teachers, youth ministers, scout leaders, etc, etc, etc, to have a family life. All those people have to ask YOU permission to borrow your kids. NOT the other way around.

At my wife and my recent presentation at the World Meeting of Families, the above statement earned an unexpected ovation. In our talk, we asserted the completely counter-cultural and Catholic idea that family life, itself, is an activity not an accessory. We are used to having a family life but working at everything else; school, sports, work, lessons, you name it. We have time for everything except working, praying, talking, and praying as a family. Worse, we have all come to accept this as normal and necessary when it is anything but.

Family: The School of Humanity

Family life has never been perfect, but it would not be overly nostalgic to note that as little as a generation or two ago, it was assumed that family life was the place where people learned to be human beings. Family life was the place where socialization occurred, where children and parents developed a sense of purpose, meaning, and values. Family constituted people’s primary and most important relationship–in reality, not just in name. Children were permitted to participate in extra-curricular activities to the degree that they did not infringe too much on family meals, church, and other important family rituals.

Three generations of the culture of divorce have destroyed this idea. Today, about 41% of all children are born to unmarried women and about half of children have a step-sibling. In an age where so many people’s experience of family life has been radically disrupted, almost every family–including intact families–have fallen prey to the idea that socialization, meaning, purpose, values, direction and significant relationships are supposed to happen outside the home while the family home is reduced to a train station where people pass each other on the way to the really important activities. Research notes that Millennials score higher on measures of narcissism than any other generation before them, but if that’s true, it’s only because we parents have all but closed the doors on meaningful family life–which the Church tell us is the School of Humanity where we all learn the virtues that help us live life as a gift (Evangelium Vitae).

We Should Do What?!?

Even suggesting to listeners of my radio program that they need to carve out regular time each day as a family to work together, play together, talk with each other and pray together is met with an almost existential level of angst. “HOW are we supposed to find time to do ALLTHAT?!?” Catholic families have swallowed the secular lie that if our children are not enrolled in 3000 activities on Wednesday evening that we are depriving them and that they will be social outcasts if not completely socially inept. But what makes a person socially inept is not whether or not they know how to steal a base, but rather whether or not they know how to be a good husband and father, mother and wife. Such lessons can only be taught in the School of Humanity that is family life.

None of this is to knock extra-curricular activities. Sports, music lessons, classes and community involvements can play an important role in creating a fulfilling life. But when these things threaten the primary work of the family, it is time to make a change. I would like to suggest that it is time for Catholic parents to evangelize the culture–and insist on re-humanizing society– by reclaiming our families in three simple (if not necessarily easy) steps.

Take Back Your Family
Three Steps

First, ask yourselves, “If we were to carve out a least a little bit of time (say, 15-20 minutes each) to work, play, talk, and pray together, each day what would we do?” Come up with a short list of ideas yourself, then discuss it as a family. Start doing some of those things now–even periodically–so that your family can get used to the idea of being intentional about being together.

Second, begin thinking of extra-curricular activities–including your own–as secondary to the need to make time to work, play, talk, and pray together as a family. If you actually gave yourself permission to prioritize your family life–as your Church asks you to–what else would there be time for? Perhaps the answer is “not much.” That’s OK. Your family is the single most important activity you can do in the course of your week. Start giving yourself permission to think of this as if it was.

Third, start setting boundaries. Tell your kids’ coaches that your kids won’t be attending practices or games when they conflict with family commitments–especially your family’s commitment to attend mass together. Tell the various ministry heads to schedule you for reading, altar serving, and cantoring at the same Mass. You do not need their permission or approval. It is YOUR family that is at stake. Not theirs. Make them work around you, not the other way around.

It’s time to start a revolution for the family. Chances are, the people you have let think they own your children won’t like it. Tough. Revolutions are never easy. But in light of Pope Francis’ witness at the World Meeting of Families, perhaps the best way to create a “Culture of Encounter” that brings Christ to the world is to simply do what he says and finally make time to “waste time with your children.”

Dr. Greg Popcak and his wife, Lisa, were featured speakers at the 2015 World Meeting of Families. They host More2Life Radio and are the authors of 20 books including For Better…FOREVER! and Parenting with Grace. Learn more atwww.CatholicCounselors.com.