Soccer and the Sacred Heart: The Rhythm of Spiritual Fatherhood

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A guest post by Pastoral Solutions Institute Associate Pastoral Counselor, Dave McClow, M.Div., LMFT.

June is the month of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.  Father’s day also falls within the month, and spiritual fatherhood ties these two together.

The human heart always operates in two directions—the muscle contracts and then relaxes.  If this rhythm is disrupted, you have earned a trip to either the ER or the undertaker.  There is also a rhythm of Catholic fatherhood—the rhythm of loving, then challenging; of being tender, then tough.  Disruption of this rhythm can create major problems for kids.

Soccer

Chad played soccer.  His parents were highly successful professionals, trying to motivate Chad to pay attention and engage in the game with some intensity.  They were turning the situation into a life lesson:  “How do you expect to succeed if you can’t do this?”  There was a lot of criticism and pressure to perform.  Another team was using psych ops, trashing Chad and his team.  The way they talked, I would have sworn this was a U.S. Olympic competition, but Chad was in fourth grade! The parents assured me their behavior was mild compared to other parents.  Nevertheless, the results were predictable:  Chad was anxious, highly critical of himself, and impulsive, almost explosive at times.  He was performing to be loved, which left him only as good as his last performance.  The rhythm of Catholic fatherhood was broken, and they were all frustrated.

Sacred Heart and Spiritual Fatherhood

Jesus’ Sacred Heart teaches men a lot about this rhythm of fatherhood.  During his time on earth Jesus fathered no physical children (unless you believe the fiction writer Dan Brown).  But he was a spiritual father—a leader, mentor, and coach (and much more), to the twelve apostles and his other disciples!  He loved and challenged them.  It was the Heart of Jesus that revealed how his Father’s heart was turned towards his children—us—in love and mercy.  The Father’s heart is what we need to receive and what we are to give to others.  Scripture confirms the giving part, “The hearts of fathers will be turned back to the children” (Mal 3:24, 4:6; Lk 1:17; Sir 48:10).  Jesus actually became indignant, incensed, or irate at the disciples for hindering the little children from coming to him to be embraced, touched, and blessed  by him (Mk. 10:13-16).  He was tough on his disciples and tender towards the children in his spiritual fatherhood!

St. John Paul II reflected on the Sacred Heart quite a bit.  In talking about the gift of the Holy Spirit called piety (reverence, devoutness), he says, “the Spirit heals our hearts of every form of hardness, and opens them to tenderness toward God and our brothers and sisters” (May 28, 1989). From our sonship, tenderness flows toward God and is expressed in prayer that arises from our own poverty and void of chasing after earthly things, and then turns toward him for “grace, help, and pardon.” It is piety which directs us to trust God as “a good and generous Father” and to call him Abba (Gal. 4:4-7)!

This tenderness is manifested in meekness, a familial openness, toward our neighbor.  Meekness is not weakness!  Meekness is having the power to act or destroy, but not using it.  The Spirit infuses into us a new capacity to love others, making our “heart[s] participate in some manner in the very meekness of the Heart of Christ.”  Our spiritual fatherhood is made complete we when see others as part of the family of God, treating them with tenderness and friendliness.

Back to Soccer

I worked with Chad’s father to create new liturgies (rituals and routines) in their domestic church that communicated love to Chad.  He affirmed Chad as a son rather than just his performance.  And we shifted the focus from results, which Chad could not control, to his efforts—so while he might not always score a goal, he could always choose to play hard.  These changes made a huge difference.  Chad paid more attention, became more self-motivated, and everyone noticed the change.  In fact, in one game, he was playing hard, but they were losing badly.  He had put his shorts on backwards, and though it was not obvious, a friend started to harass him about it.  Normally Chad would have blown up, but instead he retorted, “Do you really think that’s the biggest problem we have here?”  I was amazed and laughed, saying, “I can’t even get adults to do this!”  Chad was feeling much more secure and loved.  The rhythm was back in right order:  love and challenge; tenderness and toughness. We had returned from Olympic tryouts to fourth grade soccer!

The Challenge

June is the month of the Sacred Heart.  It includes Father’s Day, which celebrates physical fatherhood.  But we must challenge all men to follow the Sacred Heart and be spiritual fathers, turning their hearts towards all fatherless children in tenderness, challenging them to be the best versions of themselves.  All men are called to reveal and relive the very fatherhood of God on Earth—this is spiritual fatherhood.

New Study Finds THIS Parenting Style Predicts Highest Rates of Success, Happiness, Morality in Adults…

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Image via shutterstock. Used with permission.

Image via shutterstock. Used with permission.

Parenting can be tough work, and there are lots of different ideas about what it means to be a good parent, but with good information, every parent can be equipped to raise healthy, happy, godly kids.  A recent study in Japan surveyed 5,000 adults to investigate the impact on parenting styles and adult levels of job success, happiness, and moral reasoning.

Based on their findings, the researchers then divided parenting methods into six categories:

  1. Supportive: High or average levels of independence, high levels of trust, high levels of interest shown in child, large amount of time spent together;
  2. Strict: Low levels of independence, medium-to-high levels of trust, strict or fairly strict, medium-to-high levels of interest shown in child, large amount of rules;
  3. Indulgent: High or average levels of trust, not strict at all, time spent together is average or longer than average;
  4. Easygoing: Low levels of interest shown in child, not strict at all, small amount of time spent together, few rules;
  5. Harsh: Low levels of interest shown in child, low levels of independence, low levels of trust, strict;
  6. Average: Average levels for all key factors.

The findings demonstrated that people who had experienced “supportive” child-rearing where parents paid them a lot of positive attention reported high salaries, academic success, high levels of happiness and better moral reasoning skills.

On the other hand, participants subjected to a “strict” upbringing where parents paid them high levels of attention combined with strict discipline reported high salaries and academic achievement, but lower happiness levels and increased stress.  READ MORE

To learn more about how you can successful, healthy, moral kids, check out Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.  Here;s what one Amazon reviewer had to say… “After searching for a parenting book that would reflect my values, I found it and so much more with Parenting With Grace. I will be forever changed after reading this book. My husband and I now have the tools we need to be the best parents we can be and raise our children in the home God intended.”  See for yourself!

 

Condom Distribution Shown to Increase Teen Pregnancy Rates

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A new study finds that schools with condom distribution programs in the 1990s seem to have actually increased the rate of teenage pregnancies. “We find that access to condoms in schools increases teen fertility by about 10 percent,” the researchers concluded.

According to National Review, the study by two Notre Dame economists fills a gap in research on school contraceptive programs since there was little previous work on condom distribution programs in high schools.

Researchers Kasey Buckles and Daniel Hungerman used 22 school districts in 12 states, districts that began using condom distribution programs in the ‘90s. The study spanned 19 years and studied teen fertility data from 396 high-population counties.  READ MORE

For more information on how you can raise teens to joyfully live out the Catholic vision of love in their life and relationships check out Beyond the Birds and Bees: Raising Whole and Holy Kids.

RIP Mary White, One of the Seven Original Catholic Founders of La Leche League, Dies at 93.

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From WSJ.

When Mary White and six other moms from the Chicago suburbs started an organization to encourage breastfeeding in 1956, they had to be careful about naming it.

“They couldn’t say ‘breast,’” said Clare Daly, one of Mrs. White’s daughters. Newspapers, they were sure, wouldn’t publish notices about meetings involving such a crude term. Looking for something more discreet, they settled on La Leche League, derived from the name of a Roman Catholic shrine in Florida (Popcak Note:  see commentary below).

To their surprise, the league spread around the world. Now called La Leche League International, it has about 2,000 local groups in more than 70 countries. The league helped create today’s consensus that breastfeeding is far better for babies and mothers than infant formula.

Mrs. White died June 2 at age 93 of complications from a stroke she suffered last September. Her death leaves only two surviving founders of the league—Marian Tompson and Mary Ann Kerwin, Mrs. White’s sister-in-law.

In the 1950s, breastfeeding was widely considered backward and unsanitary. Around 80% of U.S. mothers chose formula instead, according to the league. Views gradually changed as researchers piled up evidence of the health benefits of natural feeding. As of 2012, about 80% of mothers in the U.S. were at least attempting to breastfeed, according to the latest government survey results.

A January report in the medical journal Lancet cited evidence that breastfeeding deters infections and enhances intelligence, while reducing breast cancer risks for mothers, among other benefits. Nestlé SA, once subject to boycotts because it promoted infant formula in poor countries, now says it favors “exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months of life.”

Mrs. White was born Mary Elizabeth Kerwin on April 3, 1923, and grew up in the Chicago suburbs of Elmhurst and Oak Park as the oldest of eight children. Her father was a financial vice president for the Brach’s candy company; her mother was a homemaker with a philosophy degree from DePaul University.

After earning a drama and speech degree from Rosary College in River Forest, Ill., she married Gregory White, a family-practice physician. Dr. White favored breastfeeding but believed women could be more persuasive than he could in promoting it.

The league traces its roots to a church picnic. Mrs. White and Mrs. Tompson were both breastfeeding. Other mothers said they were using formula but would prefer breastfeeding if they could get more information and help. Mrs. Tompson and Mrs. White decided to start a support group and invited five other moms to Mrs. White’s home to set it up.

“Mary was the first woman I ever saw breastfeed in public,” Mrs. Tompson said. Mrs. White, known for wearing spotless white sweaters and coats despite the exertions of raising 11 children, was self-assured and had the prestige of being a doctor’s wife. “If Mary did it, we figured it was safe,” Mrs. Tompson said.

Though these suburban housewives were defying medical authority, they didn’t flaunt their rebellion. Infants were swaddled in blankets during public feedings. “We would practically smother our babies trying to be discreet,” Mrs. Kerwin recalled.

Ignorance was their biggest obstacle. Most women didn’t know their milk was better for the baby than formula, and many feared they wouldn’t be able to supply enough to sustain the baby.

Doctors could be dismissive. Mrs. Tompson recalled that one told an expectant mother he would let her breastfeed if she “behaved” during childbirth.

Still, times were changing, Mrs. Tompson said: “Women were ready to make the decisions about their life instead of going to an expert.”

At first, the league grew slowly. After Reader’s Digest wrote about it, though, “we got phone calls from all over,” said Mrs. Kerwin, one of the founders.

Mrs. White helped write “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding,” a popular book, and edited other league publications. She often took phone calls at home from women who wanted her advice.

Her family has multiplied prodigiously. Mrs. White is survived by 10 of her 11 children, 61 grandchildren and 109 great grandchildren, said Mrs. Daly, one of her daughters. She kept track of all those birthdays on a calendar. “She was very organized,” Mrs. Daly said.

Mrs. Tompson, 86 years old and still active in the league, said she was pleased to see that some airports now have pods for nursing mothers. “We’re still running into mothers who are getting really bad advice,” she said, “but it’s so much better than it was.”

Has the pendulum swung too far? Mrs. Tompson said she would never shame a woman who chose not to breastfeed. If such women feel guilty, however, there is nothing the league can do about it, she said.

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Many people–Catholics in particular–are unaware that La Leche League was founded by 7 devoutly Catholic women and the internationally recognized Catholic physician, Dr. Herbert Ratner.  The article mentions that the organization was named for “a Roman Catholic shrine in Florida.”  What it doesn’t say is that that shrine is dedication to the Nursing Madonna, La Sonora de La Leche (Our Lady of the Milk).  Their love of natural parenting grew as a result of their dedication to both natural family planning and understanding of the importance of the Catholic natural law perspective.  Although today’s La Leche League tends to distance itself from its deeply Catholic roots, the original founders saw nursing as a powerful means of communicating the love of God to their children and to the world.

Proponents of attachment parenting, in particular owe a huge debt of gratitude to Mary White and her friends. They have made a huge impact on the world, transforming the face of parenting and infant healthcare.   I pray that her soul, along with all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, would rest in peace.

DR. GREG AND LISA POPCAK AWARDED FR. RICHARD HOGAN AWARD BY COUPLE TO COUPLE LEAGUE

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Lisa and I are honored and grateful to have been chosen to be the 2016 recipients of the Fr. Richard M. Hogan Award from the Couple to Couple League International (CCLI).  CCLI is internationally recognized for their tireless work in promoting the Catholic vision of love, in particular by educating and supporting couples in the effective use of Natural Family Planning (NFP).

According to CCLI, the Fr. Richard M. Hogan Award is given to those who have excelled in the promotion of NFP in the fields of theology, psychology, sociology, or related social science!

Below is the text of the email that informed us of our award….
————-
Dear Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak,

I’m very happy to let you know that you and Lisa are the latest recipients of CCL’s Fr. Richard M. Hogan Award, which is given to those who have excelled in the promotion of NFP in the fields of theology, psychology, sociology, or related social science!

We are so grateful for all of the ways you have not only promoted the beauty of the Church’s teachings on marital love and NFP, but also the countless ways you have supported and guided couples in living out this sometimes difficult teaching. 

Your first “The Marriage Counselor” column in Family Foundations was published in the January/February 2001 issue (!), and you have continued that now for over 15 years, and our readers consistently rank your column as one of their favorite parts of the magazine. And that column is just a small part of what you do to promote NFP. Between your professional practice, your many books (often co-authored by Lisa), and your husband-wife radio team (most recently with More2Life), both you and Lisa are tireless supporters, defenders and advocates for living out marriage according to God’s amazing design. Praise God for all of your good work!

Ann Gundlach
Director of Communications
Couple to Couple League International

Got Guilt? Peace of Mind for Scrupulous Souls

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Rhonda Ortiz at Integrated Catholic Life has an excellent piece on how to recognize and fight against scrupulosity. Here is her description of the three types of scrupulosity.

1. Scrupulosity Resulting from Idealism  Developmental scrupulosity is a byproduct of a deep faith experience, such as conversion or growing awareness of God, particularly in adolescence. In the process, a person can become overly-sensitive and overly-reactive to sin. The person worries about “doing it wrong” and overcompensates by trying to do “it” perfectly, whether that be religious practice or making any number of moral decisions.

The good news about developmental scrupulosity is that with the help of good spiritual direction and a solid prayer life, a person can grow out of it.

2. Scrupulosity Within a Group Dynamic  Milieu-influenced scruples are the second type, representing the fact that “scruples can be taught.” This happens when significant authority figures—family, religious leaders, influential friends—in one’s life “transmit a strong fear component in their [religious] message.” Scruples come when, as a response, the person comes to believe “that bad thoughts will be punished or that only perfection pleases God.”

Milieu-influenced scruples differ from the other types in that the scruples are shared within a group. Catholics can experience milieu-influenced scruples in parish life, in religious orders, in lay movements and confraternities, among family and friends, and even online—anywhere where we meet collectively as Catholics.

The particular scruples vary greatly; one religious group may be rigorous about a particular moral dimension but permissive about others. Ciarrocchi warns against thinking that these scruples reflect liberal-conservative concerns within a group; what truly drives this type of scrupulosity is worry and fear. 

A person affected by milieu-influence scruples has two options for dealing with them: he can choose to leave that particular group or he could choose to stay in the group but adjust his beliefs to ones not driven by fear. Either way, with the help of a good spiritual director, he should strive to learn and relearn the Church’s teachings in light of God’s unfailing love.

Also, I will echo St. Alphonsus Liguori and recommend avoiding persons and books that exasperate one’s scruples. For example, for many years I had to avoid reading Thomas à Kempis’ The Imitation of Christ—that great spiritual classic!—because I felt my own scruples flaring up every time I tried to read it. Thankfully, I’m in good company: there are many, many saints in heaven who never read the Imitation!

3. Scrupulosity as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder   —The third type of scrupulosity Ciarrocchi names is emotional scrupulosity, where “scrupulosity represents specific symptoms for the emotional disorder obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD),” an anxiety disorder where “the presence of either obsessions or compulsions . . . significantly interfere with normal functioning.”

OCD is a disorder of the brain and behavior that causes severe anxiety. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, one percent of Americans suffer from OCD.  (In a similar vein, eighteen percent of Americans have or have had an anxiety disorder; some anxiety and OCD symptoms overlap.)

An obsession is a persistent idea, image, or impulse that the person views as intrusive and senseless. Usually the person tries to get rid of it. A compulsion is a repetitive act that a person feels compelled to carry out. The act does not usually make sense to the person even though he or she feels required to do it. Compulsions can also be internalor mental, e.g. saying a prayer to oneself in response to a blasphemous idea.

There is a ton of good stuff in this article and I would definitely second all of Ms Ortiz’s recommendations for  reading and resources, especially the work by my colleague, Dr. William van Orum (whom Ortiz mentions several times).  Dr. Van Orum directs the American Mental Health Foundation and I’m pleased to serve on their advisory board.  It’s good to see his excellent work being recognized.

Additional Thoughts About Treating Scruples

The only thing I would add to Ms. Ortiz’s comments is that it can be difficult to get effective counseling help for scrupulosity in general and type 3 in particular (the type that is most consistent with obsessive compulsive disorder).  The problem is that many clinicians use something call Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy to treat OCD.  This approach involves exposing the client to the thing they are obsessed about (a germy object, for instance) and then teaching them to relax and overcome the obsessional thoughts and feelings while in the presence of that object.  It can be a very effective form of treatment for general OCD, but you can’t use it to treat scrupulosity because you can’t exactly tell a client to go and do something sinful and then teach them relaxation techniques while they, say, cheat on their husband.  That, combined with the fact that scruples often involve moral/religious content that many secular counselors can’t relate to, leaves a lot of therapists scratching their heads when they encounter scrupulous clients. That, in turn, can leave a lot of scrupulous clients feeling like there is no hope. Happily, that is not the case.

In addition to ERP, there is another effective form of treatment for OCD, developed by Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz called the 4R method that helps the client Relabel, Reattribute, Refocus and Revalue the scrupulous feelings and find relief without having to be exposed to the source of their anxiety.  We use this approach very effectively, along with several other techniques that integrate spiritual insights as well as cognitive therapy,  with our scrupulous clients in the Pastoral Solutions Institute’s Catholic Tele-Counseling Practice.  If you are struggling with scruples and are looking for help, I encourage you to pick up Dr. Schwartz’s book, Brain Lock, and, if you decide to seek professional assistance, be sure to work with a faithful therapist who is familiar with the 4R approach to treatment.

The good news is that, with the right kind of help, even people with severe scruples can live much more peaceful lives.  I’m grateful to Rhona Ortiz for highlighting this important issue in her article and I join her in encouraging all people who are struggling with scruples to take advantage of all the resources that can help them win the battle against disordered guilt and anxiety.