What Alysa Liu Can Teach You About Not Letting the “Shoulds” Run the Show

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When Alysa Liu won gold at the Milan Olympics, she ended a 24-year U.S. “gold-medal drought” in women’s figure skating. That fact alone would have been enough to propel her to celebrity status.

But it isn’t so much her technical performance that has entranced ordinary fans and professional commentators alike; instead, people can’t stop talking about the attitude she carried onto the ice: loose, joyful, and unburdened by any expectations. Unlike other athletes at the Olympics who were undone by nerves, Liu’s relaxed, fun approach not only won gold, but fans’ hearts, too.

That performance caught the attention of pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac, who had been following the women’s figure skating competition. Liu, she says, shows what it looks like when a person works on getting out of their own way.

The “Shoulds” That Hold Us Back

“She doesn’t subscribe to the ‘shoulds,’” Rachael says, by which she means the self-talk that says, “you should do this, you shouldn’t do that.” Liu, for instance, was told during her early teens that she should practice every day, that she shouldn’t eat certain foods, and that she should value winning above all else.

The “shoulds” shape how we approach everyday opportunities, relationships, and decisions. They tell us we’re not ready, not qualified, not the kind of person who does this sort of thing. They keep us stuck.

From a psychological standpoint, Rachael explains, those “should” thoughts originate in the limbic system—the reactive, fear-driven part of the brain. Confidence, by contrast, draws on the prefrontal cortex—the part capable of solution-focused thinking: I have this strength that can help me figure this out as I go.

Nothing to Prove and Everything to Share

The Theology of the Body has something to say here, Rachael says. God has given each of us unique gifts, strengths, and talents—and we’re called to use them in our own specific way, not measure them against someone else’s.

“We’re all unique and unrepeatable people with our own gifts and strengths,” she says. Realizing the unique person God made us to be frees us from having to be like everyone else.

When our identity is grounded in God’s love for us, the uncertainty that might otherwise paralyze us evaporates. If God has equipped us with the gifts and strengths that we need and is always working with us, then we don’t have to have everything all figured out, nor do we need certainty about how things will turn out.

Liu’s ability to let go of outcomes — she famously said that it didn’t matter whether she medaled — enabled her to focus on simply sharing her gifts with the world, leading to her beautiful performance.

Rachael points to the motto she picked up from her dance instructor years ago: I have nothing to prove and everything to share. That phrase changed the entire dynamic of the class—and she sees it as exactly what Liu embodied on the ice in Milan.

Banish the “Shoulds” with These Three Steps

If you recognize the “should” trap in your own life, here are three practical steps to begin breaking free.

1. Write out your “shoulds”

The first move is awareness. Take a few minutes to identify and write down the “should” thoughts that most often run through your mind:

  •  I should be better at this.
  •  I should know where God is leading me before I act.
  •  Everyone else is panicking; shouldn’t I be anxious, too?
  •  Everyone expects me to take this promotion, so I should probably take it.

Getting them on paper creates some distance. You’re no longer just living inside those thoughts—you can look at them.

2. Label each one: helpful or hurtful?

Once you have your list, go through it and ask yourself honestly whether each thought is helping you move forward or holding you back. “If I recognize consciously that this ‘should,’ this thought that I’m having, is actually hurtful,” Rachael says, “it’s easier for our brain to disconnect from it a little bit instead of getting locked down on it.”

This isn’t about dismissing hard truths. It’s about noticing when a thought is driving you toward fear and rigidity rather than toward God and growth.

3. Write a counter thought—grounded in evidence

For each hurtful “should,” write a replacement thought that is both helpful and true. Not wishful thinking, but evidence-based: the actual gifts and strengths you bring to this situation.

“A lot of times those ‘shoulds’ aren’t evidence-based,” Rachael says. “They’re emotionally based.” A counter thought anchors you in reality—including the reality that God is present and working in you.

You can close this exercise with prayer: Lord, help me to see where you’re leading me. Help me to see and acknowledge the gifts and strengths you’ve given me. Help me to trust that you’re going to continue to empower me through those gifts and strengths, so that I can keep acting even when there’s uncertainty.

Getting Out of the Way

Alysa Liu didn’t suppress her nerves through sheer willpower; she had done enough inner work to stop letting the “shoulds” run the show—which freed her to be fully present, fully herself, and fully capable of doing what she’d trained to do.

The same is possible for the rest of us. When we stop measuring ourselves against a checklist of “shoulds” and start trusting the gifts God has actually given us, we stop holding ourselves back. We can act, move, and let God direct us from there.

For more personalized support in building this kind of God-grounded confidence, reach out to Rachael Isaac or another pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Two Questions That Can Simplify Every Catholic’s Parenting Decisions

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Every day, parents face dozens of choices about how to raise their kids: Which sports programs are worth the time commitment? How much screen time is too much? What’s the best way to correct problem behavior?

Catholic parents face a whole slew of additional questions on top of those. How do I teach my kids to pray? How do I help them develop Christian virtues? How should I approach Mass with squirrelly little kids—or resistant teens?

Fortunately, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, drawing on years of pastoral counseling and parenting work, offer parents two simple diagnostic questions that can help evaluate almost any decision, from the mundane to the momentous.

Two Questions to Ask About Everything

The two questions are straightforward:

  1. Does this choice bring our family closer to God?
  2. Does this choice draw our family closer to one another?

Notice that both questions ask about results, not intentions. The focus is on whether this particular choice, in your particular family, is actually producing the fruit you want.

Notice, too, that these questions are intertwined: choices that bring family members closer to God also draw them closer to one another, and vice versa. The Church often calls the family a “school of love.” And what are family members supposed to learn in this school of love? Nothing less than to participate in the love that unites the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. No family does this perfectly, but the important thing is to help one another grow in love and virtue.

Does this draw us closer to God?

Many good Catholic practices can bring families closer to God—but not every good practice is right for every family at every stage.

Research shows that kids who experience their family’s faith life as a source of warmth are much more likely to continue practicing that faith into adulthood. Kids should experience faith as making a noticeably positive difference in daily life—for instance, by helping family members relate honestly and lovingly with one another.

Checking your family’s religious practices against this standard can be helpful in evaluating whether a given practice is right for your particular family right now. It can also shape and guide the way you approach a particular religious practice.

Take family prayer. If you approach it expecting a monastic level of discipline, it can become less than genuinely prayerful. Family prayer that produces frustration and stress—rather than a warm, personal relationship with God—ought to be adjusted or reconsidered.

For example, if you attempt to say the full rosary as a family but end up focused on policing behavior (“Stop trying to lasso your brother!”), it might be better to say a single decade while littles snuggle on your lap—or try an entirely different prayer form for a while.

This isn’t to dismiss the value of the rosary or other devotions. It’s simply a matter of ordering your prayer practices in a way that helps kids experience a warm and lively relationship with God.

The same question applies to other, nonreligious activities, too. When your child considers joining a traveling sports league, ask: Will this draw them closer to God? If the Sunday game schedule and relentless demands on family time get in the way of religious and family obligations, you might decide to hold off. Another way to frame it: Has this activity become an idol, effectively supplanting God? For example, you might decide that your teen is ready for his or her own phone. But if you find that the phone is constantly getting in the way of real-world relationships, you and your teen might want to talk about strategies that help her re-order her priorities.

Does this activity draw our family closer to one another?

Family relationships don’t build themselves—they require shared time, shared rituals, and genuine connection. The Popcaks often emphasize that families need to regularly spend time working, playing, talking, and praying together. This time isn’t optional; it’s an essential foundation for forming deep, lasting relationships and forming kids (and parents, too!) in their Christian vocation. The family may be a school of love, but it’s hard to learn anything if school is never in session!

Most families have no shortage of activities. Each may be good in itself. But if the cumulative effect is that your family is always scattered and rarely sitting down together, it’s worth pausing. Before committing to a new activity, ask: Is our family getting enough time together? Will this cut into it? (The Popcaks suggest 10 hours a week as a baseline for most families.) The foundations of strong family relationships need to be laid now, not after your kids have left home.

You can also deploy this question around family rituals of working, talking, playing, and praying together. A two-hour game of Monopoly might build connection in one family and end in tears and slammed doors in another. A shared chore like cleaning up the kitchen after dinner can be a moment of teamwork and laughter—or a battle of wills. What matters isn’t the activity itself but what it actually produces in your family.

Discipline practices can be evaluated through this lens as well. Any discipline strategy should, in the end, strengthen the relationship between parent and child, not strain it. On the other side of a correction, kids should feel that their parents are reliable, trustworthy partners—not adversaries. Discipleship Discipline, the approach the Popcaks develop in their parenting books, asks parents to lead with warmth and relationship rather than fear.

Putting the questions to work

These two questions won’t eliminate every hard parenting call. But they give you a consistent, theologically grounded framework for making those calls.

When you’re weighing a decision—a new activity, a family devotion, a discipline strategy, a shift in routine—ask what the fruit will be: Is this producing closeness with God in my family? Is it producing closeness with one another?

If the answer to both is yes, that’s a strong green light. If the answer is no, it doesn’t necessarily mean abandoning the practice—sometimes it means adjusting the approach, scaling back, or waiting for the right season.

Children who grow up experiencing the faith as a source of warmth are far more likely to carry it into adulthood. That’s the goal. These two questions keep it in view.

For a deeper look at the principles behind these questions, pick up a copy of the Popcaks’ book Parenting Your Kids with Grace at CatholicCounselors.com. And for daily, ongoing support putting these principles into practice, join the community of Catholic parents and get personalized parenting coaching at CatholicHOM.com.

The Three Essential Steps of Real Reconciliation

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It was bad enough that Julie’s mother-in-law and sisters-in-law disrupted her wedding reception so horrendously that the family had to ask them to leave. But even worse, her mother-in-law kept her distance from Julie and her kids for eleven years. When she finally reached out, her “apology” was brief and breezy: “I’m sorry for everything — let’s just move forward.”

“That’s not a sincere apology to me,” Julie told Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak during a recent episode of their More2Life radio show. Meanwhile, her husband felt caught in the middle, and the wound from that wedding day had never really closed.

Lisa Popcak could empathize with Julie’s situation. “One of the things that’s really difficult is when you feel that the Lord is asking you to get yourself in right order about forgiving someone, about fixing a relationship, and they don’t want to or they don’t have the insight to, then how do you handle it?” she said during the show opener. “How do you work through that with God? I know that had been a process for me. I’m in a really good place with it, but it was a walk that I had to walk with Jesus to get there.”

In last week’s post, the Popcaks explained the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. This time, the Popcaks are going to help us understand what constitutes a genuine, sincere apology that opens the door to reconciliation. It’s a skill that’s useful whether you’re on the receiving end like Julie or you need to apologize for something yourself.

The Road to Reconciliation

Previously, the Popcaks explained the important difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness, they explained, is something one person can do alone — it’s the decision to surrender the desire to hurt someone for having hurt you. Even better, it is about getting to a place where you are able to want the offending person’s well-being.

Reconciliation, on the other hand, is about doing the work needed to repair and restore the relationship — and that requires more than two words (“I’m sorry”) and a change of subject.

When Dr. Greg helped Julie think through what she needed from her mother-in-law, he laid out three components that every meaningful apology requires.

First, a display of empathy. Somehow, the person who committed the offense needs to show that they understand how much they have hurt the other person. 

Second, a display of integrity. “In other words, ‘You had a right to expect more from me,’” Dr. Popcak explained. “It wasn’t just that you have too thin a skin, or you don’t have a sense of humor, or you just have too high expectations. It’s: You’re right, I was wrong. You had a right to expect more from me, and I blew it, and I’m sorry.”

Third, the offending person needs to offer to fix the harm they caused. This might involve making a concrete proposal about what they want to do to make things right, or it might involve asking the other person what would make it right for them.

“The person who committed the offense has to be willing to listen to what we need them to do to heal the wound they caused,” Lisa said. “Asking them to listen to your needs and to do the work necessary to meet them is not refusing to forgive them. It is what authentic forgiveness and healing requires.”

Julie’s mother-in-law was missing all three things in her apology to Julie; she had offered the form of an apology without any of its substance.

“When a person isn’t capable of doing those three things as part of an apology, that means that they’re not really accepting responsibility, and you can’t trust them to not do it again,” Dr. Popcak explained.

Reconciliation Requires Hard Work from Both People

The work of achieving reconciliation isn’t only the responsibility of the person who caused the offense, though. When we set healthy boundaries with people who have hurt us, our Christian faith requires that we also provide them with a clear way forward.

In Julie’s case, the Popcaks’ advice was to sit down and talk with her husband about what that way forward would look like for his mother. “Talk together about, ‘What would we need to see from your mom to relax this boundary and to know that she’s safe to be around us and our kids?’” That sense of safety includes emotional, not just physical, safety.

This not only helps the offending person know what they need to do to restore the relationship; it also helps the person who has been hurt to objectively evaluate whether that work has been done.

“You can ask yourself, ‘Well, has she done the things that we asked her to do to let those boundaries down?’” Dr. Popcak said. “And you can answer yes or no. And then you make your decision based on an objective criteria, not just how you feel about it.”

The Three Steps of a Real Apology

If someone hasn’t accepted your apology — or you sense that what you’ve offered hasn’t truly landed — here are three ways to move toward the kind of accountability that actually opens doors.

  1. Name the specific harm you caused. Vague apologies (“I’m sorry for everything”) signal that you haven’t really reckoned with what happened. Before you approach someone, ask yourself: Can I name exactly what I did wrong? Can I describe how it hurt them? If not, more reflection is needed first.
  2. Accept what they need without arguing about it. Once you’ve acknowledged the harm, the other person’s response belongs to them. They may need more time than you’d like. They may not be ready to reconcile at all. Accepting that without pressure or manipulation is itself an act of love.
  3. Work out a clear path forward. When the other person is ready to reconcile, work with them to name exactly what needs to happen to repair the harm you caused in the relationship.

Then it’s all about following through. The first three steps are the key that opens the door that has closed between you and the other person; this key allows the possibility of reconciliation. But it is consistent, changed behavior over time that makes it real.

Let God’s Grace In

Knowing these basic elements of real reconciliation provides a road map forward. Of course, when the wounds cut deep, moving through these steps can still be very difficult on both sides. Prayer, Lisa said, is essential to help us do what we can’t otherwise do on our own.

“Involving the Holy Spirit in this really matters,” Lisa said. ”We can’t white-knuckle our way through forgiveness or even come up with a plan without the grace of the Holy Spirit being invited into the situation.”

Real reconciliation can’t be forced or rushed. It grows from genuine accountability, patience, and grace.

“Asking for and receiving forgiveness,” Dr. Greg said, “is just the first step on the road back from hurts.”

If you need extra help with the challenges of giving and receiving forgiveness, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Always Mean Reconciliation

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Kara hadn’t had contact with her abusive father for years — an intentional decision she felt was necessary for her safety and healing.

Recently, though, her father reached out, asking to reconnect.

“I’m honestly afraid to let him back into my life,” she wrote in a note to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. “I don’t trust him, and I worry about exposing my children to someone who hurt me so deeply.

“When I told him no, he accused me of being unforgiving and unchristian. That really shook me. I believe in forgiveness, but I don’t know if forgiveness means putting myself or my family back in harm’s way. How do I forgive without pretending the past didn’t happen, and how do I honor God without ignoring my own boundaries?”

Kara isn’t alone in her dilemma; many faithful Christians face situations like hers: An ex-spouse who caused serious harm pushes for restored contact. A family member who has never acknowledged the damage they caused demands to be welcomed back in. Remembering Jesus’ command to forgive (even repeatedly), some people may feel pressured to restore a harmful relationship — or, alternatively, might feel guilty for saying “no.”

The key to situations like this, the Popcaks said, is to understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

As Christians, we are called to lean into God’s abundant mercy and forgiveness, and then share that same mercy and forgiveness with one another, Dr. Popcak explained.

“But it’s important to understand what that really means,” Lisa Popcak added. “Forgiveness does not require us to pretend that an offense never happened or that things are better than they actually are.”

Instead, forgiveness means wanting to give up the desire to hurt somebody for having hurt you, Dr. Popcak said. It means getting to the place where you can genuinely wish the other person well — even when you don’t feel like it.

Reconciliation is a different matter entirely.

“Reconciliation means that the person who hurt you has done the work necessary to be safe to be around and build a relationship with,” Dr. Popcak explained.

Forgiveness is something you can give unilaterally, in your own heart, regardless of what the other person does. Reconciliation requires something from both sides — most importantly, genuine accountability from the one who caused the harm.

Kara had forgiven her father. That didn’t mean she was obligated to hand him access to her family.

Dr. Popcak pointed to something telling in Kara’s situation: her father’s response when she said no.

“If he was safe to be around, his response would have been, ‘I totally get that, and it breaks my heart that you feel that way, and I hope that someday you might feel differently, but I respect your boundary and I understand where you’re coming from based on the way that I’ve hurt you,'” Dr. Popcak said. “His calling you unchristian and unforgiving and trying to manipulate you into having a relationship speaks to how unsafe he still is.”

Maintaining the safe boundary with her father may have felt uncomfortable for Kara. However, as the Popcaks pointed out, that decision was actually a loving response to the situation.

For one thing, keeping her father at a distance until he is able to handle the relationship safely and responsibly is charitable toward him because it helps him avoid a near occasion of sin — a situation that predictably brings out the worst in us. For example, an alcoholic doesn’t put himself in a bar, and someone who loves an alcoholic doesn’t invite him into one either.

And as Lisa pointed out, Kara’s decision to keep a safe boundary between her father and her children was both appropriate and also a very real expression of love.

Sometimes working for the good of the other makes us feel uncomfortable. But in the end, the true measure of love isn’t how it makes us feel, but whether it truly seeks the best outcome for the other, and all involved — in this case, safety for herself and her kids, and real healing for her father.

Are We Ready to Reconcile? 3 Questions to Ask

If someone from your past is pushing for restored contact, the Popcaks’ framework suggests three honest questions worth sitting with before you respond.

1. Have they acknowledged the harm they caused?

Not a vague “I’m sorry if you were hurt” — but a clear, specific acknowledgment of what they did and how it affected you. A person who cannot name their offense is not in a position to repair it. Accountability is the foundation of reconciliation, and without it, the same patterns are likely to repeat.

2. How did they respond when you said no?

This is often the clearest signal available. A person who responds to your limits with guilt-tripping, pressure, or spiritual manipulation is showing you exactly where they still are. Let the response speak for itself.

3. Are you both strong enough?

Reconciliation isn’t just about whether you can handle it. Inviting someone into a situation they’re not equipped to handle isn’t mercy — it’s setting everyone up to fail.

Even a Closed Door Can Have a Key

As the Popcaks frequently remind, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries does not necessarily mean cutting off all possibility of a relationship. A healthy boundary is like a door that needs to be closed when a situation is not safe or healthy.

But at the same time, you are closing the door on that part of your relationship, you can also give the other person a key, a set of conditions that need to be met before true reconciliation is possible.

Dr. Popcak offered Kara a possible response to her father. Notice how it maintains a healthy boundary while also providing a key that her father can use, if he chooses: “The fact that rather than hearing what I was trying to say to you and responding with sensitivity, you tried to manipulate me and push your way into my life — that says to me that nothing’s changed,” Dr. Popcak suggested. “Until you can really accept responsibility for what you did and acknowledge the pain you’ve caused, it wouldn’t make sense for me to have you in my life. I will continue to pray for you, and I hope that someday you can hear this.”

That is a statement of genuine forgiveness. It wishes the other person healing. It provides the  key to a restored relationship. And it holds a clear line — not out of bitterness, but out of honesty about where things actually stand.

For more help thinking through a difficult relationship, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People. And for one-on-one support, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.