For a month and a half, Walt watched his wife suffer through her final illness. A former Marine, he had always been the protector, and now he could only stand by.
“Vietnam was like a cakewalk compared to what I went through,” he told Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak when he called in to their More2Life radio show. When she died, his faith collapsed. “If there is a God — I hope there is, because I just want to go up there and settle this situation, him letting my wife suffer the way that he did.”
Walt’s anger was both natural and not an uncommon response to an unjust, painful loss like his. For many Christians, though, getting angry at God seems transgressive, even sinful — something to stuff or “get over,” at best.
But as the Popcaks explained, getting angry at God isn’t “out of line” at all. In fact, expressing that anger in a frank, matter-of-fact way is actually a hallmark of a healthy relationship with God — and a good start toward the long process of healing in the wake of a painful loss.
The Kind of Relationship God Actually Wants
“You said you hope there is a God because you’d like to go up there and settle this man to man,” Dr. Popcak told Walt. “And I think that’s great, actually. That’s exactly what God wants you to do.
“I want you to say all the horrible things that you might think you’re not allowed to say to God,” Dr. Popcak said. “And keep fighting with him every day until he gives you the answers that you’re looking for, because he will.”
Why is expressing that rage and anger the right thing to do? Well, for one thing, it honestly acknowledges that things aren’t as they should be.
For another, sharing your anger with God maintains an open, honest relationship.
And finally, bringing your wounded heart to God allows him to heal it.
We’re Behind Enemy Lines
When Walt raged against a God who would let his wife suffer, Dr. Popcak didn’t defend the suffering as part of some hidden plan. In fact, the world where a good woman dies in agony is not the world God made.
As Dr. Popcak put it, “As Christians, we live behind enemy lines.” That is to say, we live in a world that God made very good, but it is also a world damaged by sin. Suffering is a sign that something has gone very wrong, and Walt’s anger acknowledges that deep truth. The ache we feel in grief, the Popcaks say, is “an ancient memory that this is not how things were supposed to be.”
Honesty Keeps the Door Open
The real danger in grief isn’t anger; it’s shutting down.
“The only way that you will get stuck in this pain is if you don’t be honest with God, if you say, ‘That’s it, I’m done,’” Lisa told Walt. “But if you tell him how angry you are, if you tell him how scared you are, if you tell him how lonely and hurt you are, and keep allowing him to hear that from you, you’re allowing that door to stay open to him being able to heal you.”
This stance is backed up by Scripture and the tradition of the Church. Jacob famously wrestled with God, Dr. Popcak pointed out: “That’s how God proved that he was God. I think God might be calling you to do that, too.”
Pope St. John Paul II and other church leaders have pointed to the psalms as a template for expressing the full range of human emotions to God in prayer. The psalms, the pope said, express “joy, gratitude, thanksgiving, love, tenderness, enthusiasm, but also intense suffering, complaint, pleas for help and for justice, which sometimes lead to anger and imprecation.” In fact, about a third of the psalms express lament, complaint, and anger.
The saints contended with the fierce anger that Walt felt, too. St. Jane Frances de Chantal, after her husband was shot in a hunting accident, bargained desperately with God to let him live. That didn’t happen, and it took years under the spiritual guidance of her mentor, St. Francis de Sales, before she reached peace and forgiveness. She didn’t get there by turning away from God, but by turning toward God through honest, persistent prayer.
Healing Doesn’t Mean ‘Letting Go’; It Means Staying Connected
Keeping your relationship with God open is key to letting him heal your hurt, Lisa told Walt. She offered an analogy to the way a loving parent responds to a toddler who is really upset. That loving parent picks the child up and holds them close, but that can’t happen if the toddler runs away and hides.
And for Christians, keeping that relationship with God strong is a way to stay connected with loved ones who have died. As the Popcaks explained, grieving well doesn’t mean “moving on” and getting back to “normal.” Instead, grief calls Christians to find new, healthy ways to stay connected to the people we’ve lost.
“Death changes our relationship with our loved ones, but it doesn’t end it,” Dr. Popcak said.
“You can still talk to her,” Lisa told Walt. “Talk to her and say, ’Honey, I’m losing it down here. I’m so angry at God. I’m so frustrated that you went through what you went through. I miss you so much. Pray for me that I can get through this with God.’”
Grief calls us to cooperate with God “to bring good out of evil, to bring healing out of suffering, to bring meaning out of meaninglessness,” Dr. Popcak said.
Four Things to Do When You’re Grieving a Painful Loss
If you’re grieving and furious, here are a few things the Popcaks would have you try.
- Tell God the truth, all of it. Don’t edit your prayers down to what’s acceptable. Say the angry thing, the accusing thing, the frightened thing: Lord, I don’t understand why you let this happen, and I’m furious. Keep saying it until you sense him answering.
- Refuse to go silent. The temptation in deep pain is to close the door and handle it alone, and that’s the one move that keeps you stuck.
- Stay connected to the person you lost. Talk to your loved one. Ask them to pray for you. Keep a tradition alive, or live out something they taught you.
- Ask what God wants to bring out of this. Not “why did this happen,” but “what do you want to teach me, and how do you want me to respond?” Meaning is what grief most often lacks, and it’s what God is most willing to supply.
Committing to the Fight
None of this advice diminishes the pain, the Popcaks acknowledge. What they promise is that fighting the enemy alongside God is worth it.
“If you commit to that fight,” Dr. Popcak told Walt, “he will show you that he is God in a way that you will experience as merciful and loving and healing.”
If you’re grieving a loss and struggling to move forward, reach out to the faithful, professional pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com. You may also find help in Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book The Life God Wants You to Have, on discovering God’s plan when your own plans have fallen apart.