Rose and her 28-year-old son get together regularly, often to cook or bake—an activity they both enjoy.
That’s the good part. Unfortunately, their time together often ends up spoiled by political arguments.
“Our conversations always seem to devolve into political arguments,” Rose said in a call to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. “His facts and my facts. He wants to convince me of his position, and in many cases I just can’t go there.”
Political rancor can cause real problems in families. Studies show about 35 to 40 percent of Americans report having heated arguments over political differences. A smaller number (15 to 20 percent) have gone so far as to cut ties with a relative.
And yet, for most of us, family ties trump political ones. In 2021, the Pew Research Center asked 2,596 U.S. adults: “What about your life do you currently find meaningful, fulfilling or satisfying? What keeps you going and why?” The top response among both Democrats and Republicans was “family.” Politics wasn’t among even the top five responses.
For people who value family relationships more than their political affiliation, the good news is that political differences don’t need to spoil those relationships.
Three Tips for Avoiding Political Meltdowns in Your Family Relationships
Here are three tips from Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak about how to handle situations like Rose’s.
1. Put things in perspective
Ask yourself, what’s more important, scoring points or loving the person in front of me? The truth is, the outcome of our political arguments rarely matters as much as it might feel they do.
“We often think that we have to die on these hills that are just stuff on social media that’s freaking everybody out and will pass in the next four to eight years,” Lisa told Rose. “Things will change.”
Will the political battles that seem to matter so much today really matter that much in ten years? Probably not. But long after the news cycle has moved on, your family relationship will remain.
Here’s another reason to avoid engaging in political debates: As much as you might want to persuade your child to your perspective, that is unlikely to happen. In fact, pushing your views too hard will likely just reinforce your child’s stance.
“This is a time where it’s kind of better to bear the wrong patiently, in a sense,” Dr. Popcak said. “You’re not actually doing any good by engaging.”
2. Warmly redirect the conversation
When someone tries to engage you in a political debate, warmly but firmly redirect the conversation to personal matters.
“What you want to say to him is, ‘Hey, I respect your viewpoint on that, but it’s beside the point. I’m loving spending time with you. I’m loving cooking this with you. Tell me what you did this week. Tell me about your life,’” Lisa advised Rose. “You want to show him that you love him, you respect him, and you want time with him.”
Dr. Popcak agreed. “Then it really becomes about loving him, you guys loving each other, and not turning each other into projects on some kind of political or social level.”
Notice that by warmly redirecting the conversation, you’re not conceding the point or pretending to agree. You are simply telling your child that she matters more to you than the topic does, which happens to be true.
3. Hold out for the payoff
All of this restraint might feel like a lot. As parents, we are hardwired to guide and protect our kids, and by the time they are adults, we’ve had many years of practice doing just that. But as the Popcaks frequently point out, we can’t treat our adult children the way we did when they were two, ten, or even sixteen.
What we can do, though, is maintain a warm, personal relationship with our adult children so that we can be there for them when it matters most. If your child shares that he is struggling with work, for instance, you can empathize with him, and even offer a prayer: Lord, please bless my son and help him know how to handle this. Similarly, if he shares good news, you can pray: Lord, thank you so much for bringing that joy into his life.
“Let him know how much you love him, and then you move on,” Dr. Popcak told Rose. Communicating that love and bringing God into the relationship is where you can make a huge difference in your child’s life. “The political stuff is kind of a distraction from the real issues that you want to be addressing, in order to ultimately lead him to a place where he’s more open to the Lord. But you won’t get there by having the abstract political arguments. It’ll only be by redirecting things back to the personal relationship and how you can be a support to him there.”
For more on building the kind of relationship that makes your adult children open to what you have to say, see Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Your Adult Sons & Daughters. And for personalized support with an adult son or daughter, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.
