How To Grow Closer to God This Lent

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In my time as a pastoral counselor (and my lifetime of being Catholic) I’ve heard a lot of mixed feelings and views about Lent, and how to approach our Lenten practices. More often than not, however, I hear of a belief that Lent is a time where we simply give things up or “suffer“ enough that we somehow will heal our relationship with God and grow closer to Him. This stems from the idea that “if I was just holy enough I wouldn’t have the struggles that I do.” But more often than not, this approach leads to a feeling of fear, guilt, or anxiety, because it comes with the notion that we have to earn God’s love or that God has the intention of punishing us.

To reframe our view of Lent and what it’s meant to be, I think it’s important that we first define the difference between “suffering” and “redemptive suffering.” Suffering occurs when we undergo pain, distress, or hardship. That’s it, that’s where it ends. Redemptive suffering, however, occurs when we endure something difficult for the sake of a greater good, it is a suffering that leads to a greater healing, and works for the good of ourselves and others.

God never intends or desires for us to suffer for the sake of suffering. Jesus modeled this by enduring the greatest suffering for us to work for our good and to redeem us. Jesus’ suffering, while great, was redemptive. And he suffered in that great way so that we didn’t have to!

If we keep this perspective in mind, we can see that Lent is not simply about suffering, it’s about growing. Growing in our strengths and virtues, growing in becoming more of who God created us to be, growing in our relationships on earth, and growing in our relationship with God. This can mean giving something up, or it can mean working on something. Having difficult conversations we’ve been putting off; changing the way we talk to ourselves so that it aligns with who God created us to be rather than demeaning ourselves;  learning to set healthy boundaries with others, because allowing people to treat us badly doesn’t work for our good or theirs; and so much more. Lenten practices are about what good we are working towards, not just giving something up for the sake of suffering.

Another important reminder for us, is that when Jesus went through that tremendous redemptive suffering for us, he did not do so alone. He was not isolated and carrying his cross alone. He allowed Simon to help him carry his cross, others were there at the foot of the cross. He was not alone. And He does not want us to be alone in our suffering. He modeled to us many times the importance of asking for help. Asking God for help, asking for help from the people around us, or seeking help when it is not immediately around us. We are not alone, and often, it takes a lot of courage to ask for help. So this in and of itself could be a Lenten practice—growing in the ability to seek support and accept help when needed.

Whatever you choose to focus on this Lent, remember that God desires a relationship with you. He loves you. He does not want you to suffer for the sake of suffering, he wants you to grow closer to Him and He wants you to allow Him into your life so that He can be closer to you. Focus on growth this Lent, and remember that whatever you choose to do is intended to work for the good of yourself and others.

How to De-Escalate Conflict: Six Expert Tips

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Few people have had as much opportunity to practice the art of de-escalating tense situations as Ron LaGro, LSW, a pastoral counselor with the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

In the years since he graduated from Franciscan University at Steubenville, he has worked with homeless men in Chicago and New York, developmentally disabled foster youth with aggression issues, patients with schizophrenia both in a psychiatric hospital and in the community, and children in the child protective system in South Bend, Indiana. In fact, he has even led de-escalation training sessions.

Sooner or later, everyone finds themselves engaged with someone who has “lost it” (or is on their way to losing it)—a cranky toddler, maybe, or an angry customer. Then there’s that sibling or co-worker who is always poking at you, trying to get you riled up.

In those situations, LaGro is the guy to know. He recently explained how anyone can de-escalate conflict and restore peace in heated moments.

1. Know Your Own Triggers

Some of the most important de-escalation work needs to happen long before you find yourself in a tense situation, LaGro says.

“A big part of de-escalation is recognizing our own triggers,” he explained. “If we don’t understand what sets us off, we won’t be able to stay calm when someone else is losing control.”

Before stepping into a difficult situation, take stock of your own emotional vulnerabilities. What comments or behaviors make you defensive? What wounds from your past might flare up in an argument? Understanding these triggers ahead of time allows us to respond with grace rather than reactivity. Regular prayer practices—such as the daily examen, meditation, or the sacrament of reconciliation—can help bring deeper self-awareness and peace.

LaGro shared an example of working with a client who frequently hurled personal insults at him.

“He would just take shots at me, trying to get a reaction,” he recalled. “But because I was already at peace with those things, I wasn’t thrown off balance.”

Being self-aware doesn’t mean ignoring hurtful words; it means preparing ourselves so that we don’t react emotionally in a way that escalates the conflict. Instead, we can respond from a place of stability.

2. Stay in Your “Adult Mindset”

LaGro distinguishes between an “adult mindset” and a “child mindset” in conflict.

“As we get more emotionally heated, we slip into a child mindset where we see the other person as a threat,” he explained. “That’s when we either lash out or shut down.”

Using the “emotional thermometer” concept promoted by the Pastoral Solutions Institute—mentally assessing whether we are at a calm 3 or a raging 8—can help us step back before we react poorly. If you notice yourself getting too worked up, take a deep breath and pray for God’s help to calm down. If needed, step away until you can re-engage calmly.

3. Respond Calmly

When someone is angry, our instinct may be to match their volume or intensity. But shouting over someone rarely calms them down—it usually escalates the situation.

LaGro had plenty of experience with this principle at the psychiatric hospital. “If someone comes off an elevator screaming and I respond by yelling, ‘You need to calm down!’ it just escalates the situation,” he said. “Instead, speaking calmly, lowering our volume, and having nonaggressive body posture can send the message: I am not a threat.”

Saying the person’s name in a gentle tone, acknowledging their emotion (“You seem really upset”), and avoiding aggressive body language can help de-escalate their response.

4. Recognize the Other as a Person, Not an Opponent

When someone is upset, it’s easy to see them as an enemy to defeat rather than a person in distress. But our Catholic faith teaches us that every person is made in the image of God and deserves dignity—even in their worst moments.

“If I view someone as an opponent or someone to control, my body language and tone will reflect that,” Ron said. “But if I remind myself that they are another hurting person, just like me, I can approach the situation with empathy instead of defensiveness.”

LaGro doesn’t tell people to just “be empathetic.” Instead, he suggests asking yourself more concrete questions: What is this person going through? Recognizing that the other person is hurting, confused, or in need of help—in other words, seeing the situation through their eyes—makes it much easier to actually help them.

5. Show You Understand the Other’s Situation

Have you ever had a friendly conversation about politics or faith suddenly escalate to the point where voices are raised and people are talking over one another? One challenge in de-escalation is responding to someone who is saying things that we find disagreeable, irrational, or even offensive. In these situations, how do we de-escalate without implying our agreement or acceptance of objectionable statements?

The key, LaGro said, is trying to understand where people are coming from.

For example, if someone claims, “The university administration is controlled by aliens!” instead of arguing, you might say, “Wow, that sounds really scary. What makes you think that?” By showing curiosity instead of immediate dismissal, you keep the conversation from escalating while still maintaining reality.

“If I skip (asking) What’s this person going through? then I can’t help navigate that experience for them and I can’t help them de-escalate,” LaGro said. “If it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend that’s freaking out, they want to feel understood; if it’s your co-worker that’s freaking out, they want to feel understood; if it’s your kid that’s crying because they didn’t get the ice cream cone, they want to feel understood: ‘You really want that ice cream cone! I love ice cream cones, too, so I totally get it.’ We’re meeting them where they’re at.”

Trying to understand someone isn’t the same as agreeing with them, LaGro points out. Only once people feel we understand where they’re coming from can we begin to help them navigate and de-escalate their situation.

6. Know When to Walk Away

While de-escalation is often effective, there are times when it’s best to just disengage.

“If someone picks up a lamp and starts swinging it, you don’t try to talk them down—you get to safety,” LaGro emphasized. “There are moments where your priority has to be self-protection.”

If someone is physically aggressive, verbally abusive, or completely irrational, the best option might be to step away and seek help. De-escalation is a skill, but it’s not always the right tool for every situation.

De-Escalation: A Win-Win Strategy

Jesus’ call to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44) can seem like a tall order, but the steps LaGro outlines for de-escalating conflict offer a good place to start. By examining our own triggers, trying to understand the other’s perspective, and responding to provocations calmly, we actively choose the good of someone who might be making life difficult for us.

And as a happy bonus, responding in this way is very likely to de-escalate tense situations, making it easier to bring conflict to a happy ending for both people.

For more personalized guidance in managing conflict, consider reaching out to Ron LaGro or another pastoral counselor at the Pastoral Solutions Institute today.

How to Make an ‘Affection Connection’ with Your Kids

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The amount of affection children receive from their parents has a huge impact on many aspects of their development, as we discovered in the first part of this two-part article: children who don’t receive enough affection from their parents (or other loving adult guardians) fail to thrive when they are young, and struggle more as adults. On the other hand, children who receive “extravagant” amounts of affection are more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties.

In this second part of our look at extravagant affection, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak address common questions that parents often ask: How much affection is enough? What does that look like? When in a child’s development is affection important? And what if I’m not naturally an affectionate person?

This article is based on Episode 17 of the CatholicHŌM podcast, available exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app.

How Much Affection Is ‘Extravagant’?

As we learned in part one of this article, the term “extravagant affection” was popularized by the researchers behind a landmark 2010 Duke University study. By analyzing data from about 500 individuals, the researchers found that those who received “extravagant” levels of affection from their mothers at eight months were more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties. The researchers described “extravagant affection” as involving frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsive caregiving. Only about 6 percent of the mothers in the study showed this level of affection toward their infants, although the majority were “warm” toward their children.

One of the first questions parents raise around this topic, the Popcaks say, is: How much affection is enough—and how much counts as “extravagant”?

“If you feel like you’re doing a little too much, then you’re probably doing just about enough,” Dr. Popcak advised.

Another measure that the Popcaks cited was Dr. John Gottman’s finding that the healthiest relationships exhibit a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. While he developed that principle based on his marriage research, subsequent work by other researchers has shown that the ratio holds true for parent-child relationships, too, Dr. Popcak said.

A third way of telling whether your kids are getting enough affection, the Popcaks said, is to notice the “emotional temperature” in your household. If things are getting “hot” and you’re getting more pushback than usual, it might be a sign that the amount of affection in your relationship has slipped, perhaps due to stress or busyness.

Affection Isn’t Just for Young Children

Parents often wrongly assume that it’s appropriate for affection to taper off as children grow into teens and young adults, but that is far from the case, the Popcaks said. People of all ages and genders need affection, although it may take different forms for different people. Remember the football player hugging his mother from the beginning of part one of this article? Teenage boys need affection just as much as anyone else, even if it looks different than the kind of affection you would give to a toddler.

“We think that affection is only for the child who can sit on our lap all the time,” Lisa Popcak said. “But there’s healthy, extravagant affection at all different age groups. Let them have that (affection) even through their teenage and young adult years.”

What If I’m Just Not an Affectionate Person?

“But I’m just not an affectionate person!” It’s a common objection the Popcaks often hear from parents.

“if you aren’t a particularly affectionate person, it’s because it was trained out of you,” Dr. Popcak said. “If you have learned because of your family of origin to not be affectionate, that’s actually a wound that God wants to heal, because he didn’t create you that way.

“That doesn’t mean you have to be exuberantly affectionate overnight,” he continued. “It just means this is something to kind of work on gently and intentionally, over the course of your lifetime so that you can receive all the generous affection that God wants to share with you and all the generous affection that God wants you to experience from the people that he’s placed in your life.”

You can turn to God for help with this, Lisa Popcak said. “Say to God, ‘Lord, let me borrow a little bit of your affectionate love for my kids today and help me to show it to them. Heal this inside of me that I’m struggling and help me develop this relationship with them.’”

Affection Is About Making a Connection

Affection will look different from person to person, but at bottom, it’s about making a warm connection with the other person. Dr. Popcak points to the language of researcher John Gottman, who describes affection as all the small, everyday ways that people seek attention, affirmation, or emotional support from one another. These bids can take many forms, such as a smile, a question, a touch, or even a sigh. By “turning toward” a bid for connection—acknowledging it, engaging with it, or reciprocating the gesture—we strengthen the emotional bond in the relationship.

“You know, so eye contact, that smile when you see them walk in the room, that effort to actually look at them when you’re talking to them,” Dr. Popcak said. “If they’re little, getting down on their level and talking to them…. Stop and give them compliments and tell them what they’re doing well and just let them know that you enjoy being around them.”

That might look different with older kids, Lisa Popcak said. “Come up to your teenage son and give him that hug around the shoulder: ‘Hey, I’m really proud of what you’re doing,’ or ‘How was your day today?’ or walking by them when they’re doing their studies and ruffling their hair.

The Popcaks offered some specific examples of ways to show your kids affection:

  • Hug your child in the morning and before bed.
  • Pause to look them in the eyes and ask about their day.
  • Sit close during family activities, such as movie nights or prayer time.
  • Offer affirming words regularly, like, “I’m proud of you” or “I love having you in my life.”
  • Include physical touch during moments of connection, such as a squeeze of the hand or a gentle touch on the shoulder.

Extravagant affection is a powerful gift. It helps kids—and adults—thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And as you show love to your family, you’re giving them a tangible experience of God’s unending affection for them.

You can learn more strategies for developing warm, affectionate relationships with your kids in the Popcaks’ books, Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising Almost Perfect Kids and Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids.How to Make an ‘Affection Connection’ with Your Kids

The Many Benefits of ‘Extravagant’ Affection

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After winning the last game of his high school football career, the young man rushed over to his mother, and the two embraced in a big hug.

“He still fits in his mother’s arms!” his father wrote when he posted a photo of the moment on social media.

The family are friends of Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, founders of the Pastoral Solutions Institute and hosts of the CatholicHOM podcast.

It was a beautiful moment, Lisa Popcak said on an episode of the podcast dedicated to nurturing affection between parents and their kids. Moments like these underscore how the daily practice of showing affection creates lasting connections that children carry into adulthood. But the moment didn’t just happen; rather, it was the culmination of an “affection connection” the boy and his parents had intentionally nurtured throughout his life.

Happy moments like this are not the only benefit of making intentional, affectionate connections with your kids (and spouse!) every day. Affection builds trust and resilience in families, making family life easier and more pleasant, even when things get tough. And giving kids plenty of affection helps them grow up to be more confident, resilient, and satisfied as adults.

Why is affection (or the lack of it) such a powerful force in the development of children? The Popcaks point to decades’ worth of research for an explanation.

The Science Behind Affection

For many decades now, research has increasingly clarified the important role that affection plays in the development of happy, healthy adults.

In the mid-20th century, for instance, studies of infants raised in orphanages with minimal physical contact revealed alarming rates of failure to thrive. These infants often exhibited stunted growth, delayed development, and emotional difficulties.

“Biologically, neurologically, we were created to need touch, to crave affection even more than food,” Dr. Popcak said. As the Church teaches, God made us to be in relationship with one another (see Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1890 – 1891), and affection helps strengthen those relationships.

But the impact of affection on human development goes way beyond the quality of our relationships. A landmark 2010 Duke University study of about 500 individuals found that those who received “extravagant” levels of affection from their mothers at eight months were more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties. The researchers described “extravagant affection,” displayed by about 6 percent of the mothers, as involving frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsive caregiving.

Other studies show the profound physiological impact of affection. When parents and children share moments of touch—whether it’s a hug, holding hands, or sitting close together—their bodies “sync up,” the Popcaks said. Heart rates slow, breathing becomes calmer, and stress diminishes.

“Our bodies actually sync up with each other,” Dr. Popcak said. “The slower heart rate of the person giving another person a hug slows down the heart rate of the person receiving the hug.”

This physiological alignment fosters a sense of safety and connection that strengthens relationships on a deep, almost instinctive level.

How Affection Supports Healthier Relationships

Extravagant affection also helps kids form and maintain healthy relationships outside of the family, both growing up and later on as adults.

“Healthy, appropriate, extravagant affection in the home teaches kids how to get their need for affection met in healthy and appropriate and holy ways,” Dr. Popcak said.

“This is very important,” Lisa Popcak agreed, “because when (kids) have the experience with mom and dad of having healthy, extravagant affection, they get filled up and they get a sense in their very bones of what is true and healthy affection and what is false affection.”

In other words, kids who receive all the affection they need from their parents are less likely to seek it elsewhere in inappropriate ways. And kids who grow up in an affectionate family have a “standard model” to measure other relationships against as they move into the teen and young adult years.

Parents who practice extravagant affection also reap the benefits of a stronger, more resilient relationship with their child. Not only do the parents get more affection in return (and parents need affection, too, Lisa Popcak says), but it becomes easier for parents to teach kids how to be good and responsible people.

“When I have a strong affection connection with my kids, my kids are more likely to give me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the rules that I’m laying down, because they understand on even a physical level that I’m working for their good, that I really do love them,” Dr. Popcak said. “They feel that love and they understand that the rules that I’m laying down are coming from a healthier place.”

On the other hand, Dr. Popcak said, the popular parenting maxim “rules without rapport lead to rebellion” is more likely to hold true when affection has been lacking in the relationship.

“And so the defensiveness, that pushing back on rules or eye rolling is one of the earliest signs that maybe the affection connection isn’t what it should be,” he said, adding that this is not always the reason for that behavior.

Not Just ‘Nice to Do’

Extravagant affection is not just a feel-good practice; it’s a powerful tool for nurturing trust, resilience, and connection within families. Whether it’s a hug, a kind word, or simply being physically present, these intentional acts of love create a foundation for healthier relationships, stronger family bonds, and a more peaceful home life. As the research shows, affection positively shapes children’s emotional and relational development, while also making the job of parenting easier and more rewarding. By embracing this approach, parents can help their kids grow into confident, secure, and loving adults.

This is the first part of our two-part article about the importance of extravagant affection. In part two, we’ll look at some common questions that parents ask: How much affection is enough? What does that look like? When in a child’s development is affection important? And what if I’m not naturally an affectionate person?

In the meantime, if you want more tips for building strong, loving relationships in your family, join the CatholicHOM community for daily support and encouragement. Once you’re there, you can listen to the full podcast that was the basis for this article by looking up Episode 17 in the CatholicHOM podcast section.

How Practicing Healthy Gratitude Can Help You Navigate Life’s Challenges

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“Just be grateful.” It seems like everyone is touting gratitude lately: Kelly Clarkson is “Thankful,” medical researchers say it’s good for you, and even the makers of home décor want us to be “Grateful,” in loopy, cursive writing. Later this month, most Catholics will undoubtedly hear a sermon on gratitude connected to the celebration of Thanksgiving.

But what if you aren’t feeling grateful? What if, in fact, you feel like you’re struggling to keep your head above the waves?

Gratitude Isn’t About Denying Real Problems

Rachael Isaac, a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com, runs into this a lot.

“One of the common misconceptions that I come across is, ‘Oh, I should just be grateful,’ meaning I should just be grateful and ignore my struggles,” Isaac explains. “But gratitude is not meant to invalidate our struggles. It’s a way to help us gain a better perspective on them.”

Rather than viewing gratitude as an either/or proposition—either we’re grateful or we’re acknowledging difficulties—Isaac advocates for a both/and approach.

“We have to acknowledge when bad things are bad,” she says. “That’s okay. We can acknowledge when hard things are hard. But then we can say, ‘Okay, what is also true? What also exists? What are the good things that are also happening in my life?’”

This balanced approach serves a practical purpose beyond mere positive thinking. As Isaac points out, “it allows me to break out of that all-or-nothing thinking, it allows me to see something other than the anxiety that I am experiencing due to the challenges that I’m facing.”

The Many Benefits of Gratitude

Humans are wired to give more of their attention to threats and challenges. That’s a useful trait if you’re battling a predator or figuring out how to stave off hunger or cold. But focusing too narrowly on your problems can actually be counterproductive: when your brain is on high alert, it may be more difficult to think through complex challenges that require a more nuanced solution than fight or flight.

Intentionally acknowledging the good as well as the challenge allows us to calm down and puts the brakes on the stress hormones flooding our brains. “And that allows us to bring that more solution-focused part of our brain online, so that we can think through our challenge,” Isaac says.

The past few decades have seen an explosion of research into the benefits of practicing gratitude, with researchers saying it can help improve sleep, cardiac health, social connections, mood, and problem-solving abilities, to name a few. The Bible recommends giving thanks to God as well, and spiritual masters have been pointing to the importance of gratitude for thousands of years.

But while the benefits of gratitude are well-attested, developing the practice takes time and intention.

“More often than not, it’s not a natural thing for people to do,” Isaac acknowledges. “At the end of our day, we kind of go through that litany of ‘didn’t get this done, I should have done this, I should have said this in that conversation.’ All these things are still on my to-do list that now I have to add on to tomorrow…

“That’s what we’re thinking about, and it requires some very conscious and intentional effort to say, ‘What went well today?’”

Practicing gratitude can be even more challenging for people who have feelings of low self-esteem or who suffer from religious scrupulosity, the sense that they can never be “good enough” to deserve God’s love and care.

The good news, Isaac says, is that the more we practice gratitude, the easier and more natural it becomes.

Three Tips for Effective Gratitude Practice

To help practice gratitude in a healthy way, Rachael Isaac offers her clients several practical tips.

First, be specific about what you are grateful for now, today. Yes, you “should” be grateful for your family, for the roof over your head, for your health. But reciting the same broad categories every day dilutes the power of gratitude. 

Second, set aside a few moments at the end of the day to practice gratitude, but also begin practicing it in the moment. For example: “You’re driving to the store, and the store is packed…and then you find a parking space really close to the door. And you take that moment to say, ‘Oh, thank you, Lord.’”

And third, write it down. Keeping a gratitude journal can actually be quite helpful. You’re more likely to stick with the practice if you have to sit down with a pen and paper, plus writing engages more areas of our brain so that our act of gratitude leaves a more lasting impression.

Here are a few questions Rachael Isaac suggests to make the above points practical and simple:

  •  What went well today?
  •  Where did I see beauty today? 
  •  What did I do well today?
  •  What blessings did I receive today (that parking spot, or kind words from a friend)?

A New View of Life

For clients who embrace this balanced approach to gratitude, the results can be profound. “People feel a lot more peaceful and a lot more hopeful,” Isaac reports. “Because again, it doesn’t make everything better, but it allows us to see that the good exists, too.”

This shift can be even more profound for people who feel they are not “good enough” to receive God’s blessings.

“It can really start to draw us into a closer and healthier relationship with God,” Isaac explains. “I’m not doubting his love for me anymore, I can see it all around me.”

The practice of gratitude, when approached with balance and intention, offers more than a temporary mood boost—it provides a pathway to deeper peace, stronger faith, a more nuanced understanding of our life, and more resources for creatively tackling our troubles and challenges.

If you are struggling with anxiety or negative thinking, reach out to Rachel Isaac or the other pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com. And if you are ready to begin journaling, and cultivating a new mindset, take a look at A Beautiful Life: A Year of Monthly Journal Prompts for a Happier, Healthier, Holier Mindset.

Going On A Bear Hunt–Understanding The Relationship Between Prayer and Powerful Emotions

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Whether trauma, depression, anxiety, anger, or other strong feelings are causing us problems, turning to God in prayer is always a good idea. After all, God loves us and always wants to help us become more fully alive—more fully ourselves.

But in order to really benefit from prayer, we must “also learn how to pray,” as the Catechism of the Catholic Church says (#2650). It’s no wonder the Catechism spends more than three hundred paragraphs on the topic of how to pray.

When it comes to mental health, one trap that people sometimes fall into is treating prayer as a way to avoid the strong feelings that come with a crisis, according to Jacob Flores-Popcak, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com.

“An unhealthy relationship to prayer says, ‘Help me climb up above this thing,’” Flores-Popcak said in a recent interview. Underlying that impulse is often the assumption that “spiritual things are higher than these base, awful, physical things like feelings.”

But the view that physical things—and by extension, our emotions—are to be shunned or avoided simply isn’t Catholic, Flores-Popcak said. In fact, this attempt to detach from embodied feelings is more in line with Buddhism or, within the Christian tradition, the old dualistic heresy known as Manichaeism.

The Christian tradition says that feelings are given to us by God for a reason, Popcak said: in fact, they are invitations to go deeper.

“There is no point at which any character, any person in scripture just prays a feeling away,” Flores-Popcak explained. On the contrary, the Bible is full of people who openly embraced their feelings. Jesus wept at the tomb of Lazarus, for example, and expressed his anxiety openly to his Father in the Garden of Gethsemane.

“Feelings are meant to help us bond with other people and they’re meant to help us get certain needs met,” Flores-Popcak explained. “So to pray away a feeling is to pray away an opportunity for connection, and it’s to pray away a need.”

He continued: “God gives us our needs, and God calls us to relationships. Both of those things are, at their core, godly things. If I’m trying to just get rid of that, it’s gonna end up feeling like I’m just repressing the feeling, and it’s just going to come raging back later.”

It’s like the children’s song, “Going on a Bear Hunt,” Flores-Popcak said, in which the hunters come to an insurmountable mountain that blocks the path forward: “The refrain of that song is, ‘Can’t go around it, can’t go over it—gotta go through it.’ We’ve gotta go into that tunnel, into that bear’s den.”

Similarly, prayer is not meant to help us go “over” or “around” our feelings of anguish, anxiety, or sadness. “Prayer is supposed to help me go deeper into it, to find the truth at the center of it, or even on the other side,” Flores-Popcak said. In the Catholic mystical tradition, every challenge is “an opportunity to go deeper into my knowledge of myself, deeper into my knowledge of Christ, and deeper in relationship with other people.”

What does this look like? Instead of trying to pray away your feelings, try praying with these questions:

  1. “Lord, what do you want me to learn from this feeling?”
  2. “How do you want me to respond to the need at the center of this feeling?”
  3. “How do you want me to grow closer to you and to the people around me as a result of experiencing this feeling?”

Such questions align with the example of spiritual masters such as St. Thomas Aquinas, St. Teresa of Avila, and others, all of whom advise that instead of running away from feelings we’d rather not be experiencing, we ought to plunge deeper into their depths, accompanied by Christ and supported by friends—so that we can emerge stronger and more connected to God, ourselves, and the people around us.

If you need help managing your mental health and want to do so in a way that draws on your Catholic faith, reach out to Jacob Flores-Popcak or any of the other Pastoral Counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.