No, You Aren’t Perfect—And That’s Okay

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In a culture that prizes productivity and performance, perfectionism can seem like a virtue. We praise people for their “high standards” and “drive to succeed.” Some of us even wear the label of “perfectionist” like a badge of honor.

But as pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac of the Pastoral Solutions Institute warns, perfectionism isn’t a superpower. It’s a trap, one that leads to stress, restlessness, and strained relationships with others…even God.

“Perfectionism can manifest in a variety of different ways and different areas of our life,” Isaac explains. “But at the bottom, it’s about feeling like we might not be good enough, and that we need to work really hard to control both how we present to the world and our environment so that things are okay.”

The Hidden Ways Perfectionism Shows Up

The word “perfectionist” might conjure up the image of someone who insists everything has to be “just so.”

But often, Isaac says, it takes other forms: manifesting as the need to do everything yourself, for instance, or filtering what you say to make sure you say things the “right” way. Even procrastination can be a form of perfectionism, she says—a stress response to the fear of doing something imperfectly.

At its core, perfectionism is about comparison and fear. We compare ourselves to others, afraid that if we don’t measure up, we’ll be judged or rejected. Sometimes, that comparison flips, and we hold others to the impossible standards we set for ourselves, fueling criticism and resentment. Regardless of how it presents, the underlying dynamic remains the same: an attempt to manage deep-seated insecurity through external control.

That’s not the way God wants us to live, Isaac says. God wants us to know, deep in our bones, that our worth comes not from what we do, but from who we are as children of God.

At the deepest level, then, overcoming perfectionism is about learning to live from a place of deep, God-given confidence—the kind that frees us to love, serve, and rest without fear.

Breaking Free from Perfectionism: Three Strategies

In her work helping people develop this God-given confidence, Isaac has come up with a suite of strategies for addressing perfectionism. Here are three you can try on your own today:

1. Exchange “What-If” Questions for “Even-If” Statements

Perfectionism fuels anxiety with endless “what if” questions: What if my house isn’t clean enough when guests arrive? What if I make a mistake during my presentation? What if my spouse doesn’t do the laundry the way I do it?

These what-if questions leave open a whole range of possible worst case scenarios, Isaac says; this uncertainty can leave us feeling like we’ve lost control. We try to resolve that uncertainty by answering the question, usually focusing on the worst-case scenario.

To break that cycle, Isaac recommends swapping “what if” questions for “even if” statements, completing those sentences with realistic, hopeful outcomes:

  • Even if my house isn’t completely clean, we’ll still have a good time together.
  • Even if I stumble during my presentation, people will still understand my message.
  • Even if my spouse ‘messes up’ the laundry, it’s still getting done
  • .—and the important thing is that we’re working together as a team.

“As soon as I make an ‘even if’ statement, I can be more solution-focused and find that peace and control—even if everything’s not perfect,” Isaac says.

2. Set Realistic Expectations

Perfectionists often set impossible expectations for themselves and others.

Isaac gives the example of someone who is anxious to get the house cleaned up before dinner guests arrive. Someone grounded in their God-given identity might pick up the main spaces and set out flowers to be hospitable to their guests.

But the person trapped in a perfectionist mindset takes that impulse to an extreme, trying to clean the whole house—and nagging everyone else to pitch in with that Herculean task.

That is not a helpful or realistic expectation, Isaac points out.

A better approach is to ask: What’s truly necessary? Adjust your expectations for yourself and others accordingly, resting in the knowledge that whatever your guests may think, your identity comes from God, not the state of your house.

3. Recognize the Good You Already Do

Perfectionism tempts us to dismiss the moments that really matter—the everyday acts of love, service, and connection that reflect our God-given strengths. To combat perfectionism, Isaac recommends taking time to reflect on those moments.

For example, let’s say you’re trying to tick off items on your to-do list when your kid starts melting down. You set aside your agenda, sitting down on the floor to hold and comfort them.

Someone trapped in a perfectionist mindset might overlook this action because it’s not “productive.”

“But recognizing how good that moment was…and that I had strengths in that moment to be present, patient, compassionate—that really shifts the mindset from performance to recognizing my God-given strengths,” Isaac says.

And when we learn to see the good in ourselves, we’re freer to see—and celebrate—the good in others, too.

The Gift of Living in Freedom

Isaac has seen this shift transform people’s lives. She shares the story of a client who struggled to ask her husband for help. Perfectionism made her feel that if she wasn’t doing everything herself, she was failing. But as she practiced communicating her needs, the dynamic in their marriage changed.

“She was able to recognize that having it all on her wasn’t what defined her worth or her success,” Isaac says. “She could really be effective—maybe even more so—when she communicated her needs and worked together with her husband.”

The journey out of perfectionism is really a journey into freedom.

“You’re moving from a place of constant pressure to a place of greater peace,” Isaac says. “It impacts your relationship with yourself, with others, and with God. You begin to realize you don’t have to earn your worth—you’re already enough.”

For more one-on-one help with perfectionism and confidence, reach out to Rachael Isaac or another pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Or join Rachael Isaac on Thursday July 31st at 8pm EST for a power-packed, one hour, live webinar: Empowered–Overcoming Perfectionism and Achieving Your Goals

Let’s Talk: How to Start Family Conversations That Matter

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You share meals. You shuttle kids to activities. You say “good night” and “have a good day.” But when was the last time your family really talked—not just about logistics or the weather, but about your hearts, your hopes, and how God is working in your lives?

In the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, talk rituals are intentional moments of conversation that help families grow closer emotionally and spiritually. But many parents find themselves asking how to even start.

Here’s how to begin building meaningful talk rituals in your home, even if your kids don’t naturally open up. The following advice is summarized from Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s HŌM Builder videos and Episode 82 of the CatholicHŌM podcast, “Let’s Talk,” all of which are available on the CatholicHŌM app.

Why Family Conversations Matter

Research shows that only 7% of Catholic families have meaningful conversations about faith. But faith isn’t the only thing we need to talk about. Relationships, teamwork, struggles, joys—these are the topics that knit us together.

When we create space for deeper conversations, we foster emotional connection, strengthen teamwork and mutual support, and create opportunities for faith-sharing and spiritual growth.

And there’s an added bonus: Research shows that kids who develop strong communication skills early in life tend to have healthier adult relationships, better mental and physical well-being, and more professional success. Besides helping kids acquire the skills needed for meaningful, emotionally rich conversations, family talk rituals help model for kids what good conversations look like in the light of Christian faith.

So, talk rituals are more than just “checking in.” They’re opportunities to discover one another, grow as a team, and keep your family rooted in love—God’s love and each other’s.

When to Have Talk Rituals

These conversations don’t just “happen.” You have to plan for them. That means setting aside regular times where meaningful connection can take place.

Here are some ideal opportunities:

  • Family meals: Ask each person to share a high and low from their day. Where did they see God?
  • Evening check-ins: After the chaos of homework and dinner, take 15 minutes to talk about how everyone’s doing and what’s coming up tomorrow.
  • Weekly family meetings: Use this time to discuss family needs, upcoming events, or how you can better support one another. (See the Family Meeting Planner on the CatholicHŌM app for help on this one.)
  • Car rides: Make it the expectation that devices are turned off during car rides so that family members can decompress and reconnect. (You can allow limited device use on longer trips, with parental permission.)
  • One-on-one time: Individual chats help children (especially teens) open up without feeling on the spot. Sometimes, having a shared activity can help teens open up: cooking together, taking a walk, playing basketball, and so on.

Start with one simple practice and build from there. And here’s a tip to make those moments count: Keep a running list of topics you’d like to bring up. That way, when talk time rolls around, you’re not scrambling to think of what to say.

Start with What Your Kids Care About

If your child isn’t eager to talk, you’re not alone. Many parents worry their kids “just don’t like to talk.” But here’s a secret: most kids love to talk when the topic is something they care about—and they feel truly listened to.

Start by entering their world:

  • Ask them to teach you about their favorite game, sport, or YouTuber.
  • Even if it’s not your thing, listen with interest. Ask follow-up questions.
  • Keep the conversation going over time—don’t make it a one-time “project.”
  • Find an article or video related to their hobby and ask them to explain it to you.

These practices model good listening skills and establish rapport with your child, showing that you value them and their ideas. And that, in turn, lays the foundation for deeper conversation.

How Conversations Grow: The 7 Levels of Intimacy

Meaningful conversations don’t start at the deep end. Catholic author Matthew Kelly, in his book The Seven Levels of Intimacy, outlines seven levels of intimacy in relationships. In general, people grow through these levels one step at a time. Think about the level of your family conversations most of the time:

  1. Clichés & Pleasantries: “How are you?” “Fine.”
  2. Facts & Events: “I have math homework.” “We’re going to Grandma’s this weekend.”
  3. Opinions: Likes, dislikes, values, and what matters to each person.
  4. Hopes & Dreams: “I wish we could go to Hawaii.” “Someday I want to be an artist.”
  5. Feelings: “I felt left out today.” “I’m really excited for the sleepover!”
  6. Fears, Faults, and Failures: Moments of vulnerability and requests for help.
  7. Deepest Needs & Goals: Conversations about values, faith, purpose, and spirituality.

It’s tempting to jump straight to level seven—especially when you want to talk about faith or serious issues—but that often backfires, the Popcaks say. Instead, figure out where your family usually operates, and aim to grow just one level deeper. Keep building trust and comfort, and soon those deeper conversations will come naturally.

Establishing Talk Rituals Takes Time and Practice

Be patient with the process. It can take weeks—or even months—of consistently showing up, listening well, and building trust before your child feels ready to engage in deeper conversations. That’s okay. Don’t take it personally if a talk falls flat or your child seems disinterested. Just try again later, when the timing feels right.

When difficult topics arise—such as conflicts, disrespect, or emotional struggles—don’t focus on figuring out who is to blame or how the problem arose; people rarely agree on those facts. Besides, the most important thing is that you both agree that you want to resolve the problem and do better next time. Model a solution-focused approach: “How could we handle that better next time?” or “What could we do differently so we both feel heard?” This kind of problem-solving mindset helps children feel safe and empowered, rather than criticized.

Finally, make your expectations clear but welcoming. Let your family know when talk times will happen and what you hope to talk about, but keep the tone relaxed. The goal isn’t to “have the perfect conversation”—it’s to grow in connection, one step at a time.

Pick one talk ritual—maybe tonight’s dinner or tomorrow’s drive home—and start the habit of really talking. Your family doesn’t need to be perfect. They just need you, your love, and your willingness to connect.

If you need help along the way, remember that you can find more support on the CatholicHŌM app, where you’ll find community support and real-time coaching to help your family grow closer every day.

In the Baby vs. Parent Debate, Catholic Teaching Offers a Balanced Approach

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It’s the baby gift new parents never asked for: unsolicited, often competing, advice about thebest way to raise their little one.

On one side, some people advocate a parent-centered approach. “You can’t take care of baby if you don’t take care of yourself,” these people argue. “Besides, your baby needs to learn she’s not the center of the world!”

On the other side are advocates of a baby-centered approach. “The first three years of your child’s life are the foundation of their future development,” these folks might say. “Now’s the time for parents to go all in.”

Caught in the middle, many new parents rightly feel conflicted, seeing good points on both sides.

But the Catholic tradition offers a good way to balance the needs of babies and their parents, say Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. This approach, outlined in their book Then Comes Baby: The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Three Years of Parenthood, is centered on the principle of the common good. Rather than seeing parenting as a zero-sum competition, this approach to family life seeks the flourishing of everyone—baby, mom, and dad alike.

Before we get to the common good approach, let’s quickly look at the merits of baby-centered parenting and parent-centered parenting.

The Benefits of Baby-Centered Parenting

In Chapter 2 of their book, the Popcaks summarize the strong scientific support behind many baby-centered practices.

Since the 1990s, research in neuroscience, developmental psychology, and attachment theory has consistently affirmed the benefits of responsive, attentive caregiving during infancy. Babies who experience this kind of nurturing develop stronger emotional regulation, more resilient stress responses, and deeper trust in relationships. The practice of responding to an infant’s needs promptly and consistently helps form secure attachments, which in turn support empathy, social development, and mental health throughout life.

These are powerful and well-documented benefits—and they help explain why so many parenting experts emphasize attentiveness to a baby’s cues.

Children raised with less baby-centered approaches may also develop these positive qualities, the Popcaks acknowledge. “But research strongly suggests that children reared by more baby-centered approaches are more likely to have a better-developed capacity for these skills.”

Parents Need to Take Care of Themselves Too

The baby-centered approach has a lot to recommend it. But there’s a caveat. “If parents allow themselves to become burned out by doing baby-centered parenting, it doesn’t work nearly as well,” the Popcaks write.

Burnt-out, exhausted parents don’t connect with their babies very well; they tend to be less animated, and make less eye contact with their children. In fact, this exhaustion-fueled detachment can wipe out the benefits of a baby-centered approach.

Moreover, research shows that “babies do best in homes where Mom and Dad’s relationship is strong and secure,” the Popcaks say, underlining the need for parents to attend to their own relationship, too. This does not mean that “if Mom and Dad are happy, Baby will be happy.” While there is plenty of evidence that poor marital relationships negatively affect children, strong marital relationships don’t cancel out the child’s need for prompt, consistent parental responses to her needs.

In short, a healthy family life requires more than just protecting adult time—it requires an integrated vision that honors every member of the household.

Aiming for the Common Good of the Family

This is where the Catholic social teaching principle of the common good comes into play. This principle suggests that those with the least ability to meet their own needs (like a baby) have a right to have their needs met first. At the same time, it also acknowledges that all people, including parents, have a right to have their own needs met, as long as they do so in a way that respects everyone else

What does this mean in practical terms? The Popcaks suggest that parents follow two principles.

First, “parents should challenge themselves on a regular basis to be as baby-centered as possible while being creative about how to meet their own needs.” The benefits of responding promptly, consistently, and affectionately to a child’s needs are so clear that doing so ought to be a priority. And for Catholics, the practice of this heroic “self-donation” is the way we find not only a happy, joyful life, but also our truest selves.

But balance is key. Parents are embodied human beings, not purely spiritual angels, which means they have very real limits that need to be respected.

“That’s why parents need to constantly seek creative ways to get time for themselves and their marriage,” the Popcaks write. “This takes sensitivity, prayer, communication, and commitment on the part of both parents.”

Nurturing the Routines and Rituals of Healthy Family Life

Exactly how to navigate that balancing act is the subject of the rest of Then Comes Baby, but establishing healthy routines and rituals—a topic the Popcaks frequently emphasize in their work with parents—is key, they say.

By pursuing the common good, Catholic parents can avoid the pitfalls of both extreme approaches and cultivate a family life that reflects generous love for their child and good stewardship of their own well-being and their marriage.

If you’d like to learn more about this topic, check out Then Comes Baby at CatholicCounselors.com. You can also get more personalized parenting advice through the community discussion forums in the CatholicHŌM app.

These Five Steps of Compassionate Problem Resolution Will Change Your Family

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When couples come to the Pastoral Counselors at CatholicCounselors.com for help improving their marriage, one of the most common issues is poor conflict resolution.

Instead of compassionately working together to resolve the problem, says Dr. Greg Popcak, couples “shame each other, they attack each other, they become defensive and hostile. They kind of make the spouse the problem instead of the problem the problem.”

Inevitably, the spouses learned these bad conflict resolution strategies from their parents in their family of origin, he says. The way their parents addressed offenses or unwanted behavior—in other words, the way they disciplined their kids—became the children’s default mode for handling offenses or relationship problems as adults.

The good news is that these bad habits can be changed. Even better news: When parents take the time to intentionally adopt a more compassionate approach to discipline, they give their children a template for problem-solving as adults.

In their practice and their educational ministries, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak teach parents Discipleship Discipline, a faith-based approach rooted in the insights of St. John Bosco. And they teach adults—such as couples seeking marriage counseling—a similar approach called Compassionate Problem Resolution (CPR). Both approaches involve the same basic steps.

“We’re teaching a way to give your children and yourselves the skills to really handle conflict and come to a really good resolution that draws you closer to each other and to God,” says Lisa Popcak.

Here are the five basic steps that can transform your family’s conflicts into opportunities for connection and spiritual growth.

 

Step 1: Identify the Problem Instead of Attacking the Person

Conflict is inevitable in any human relationship; even Jesus and his disciples had to cope with conflict. The key is how you approach that conflict, the Popcaks say.

For most of us, our first response is to blame the other person.

“We have to blame (the problem) on somebody so that somebody can take responsibility and fix it,” Lisa Popcak explains. “And very often it leads to name calling, attacking, running the person down. And all of that doesn’t lead to any kind of solution and really does harm to our relationship.”

Instead of heading down that dead-end road, focus on identifying the real problem. Ask yourself or your conflict partner: “What’s really going on here?”

At the same time, it’s important to curb your (very natural) defensiveness by reminding yourself that your spouse or child isn’t intentionally trying to offend you or make your life miserable; ultimately, they are trying to meet some want or need. True, the way they are going about that might not be great, but acknowledging that the people we love are not acting with real malice toward us prepares the ground for step two.

Step 2: Identify the Positive Intention Behind the Behavior

The second step is to simply ask what your conflict partner was trying to do or accomplish. This is what the Popcaks call the “positive intention” behind your child or spouse’s behavior, which is different from the cause of the behavior.

For example, your spouse might have snapped at you rudely because they were under a lot of stress at work; your young child might be a cranky, whiny, hot mess because she is overtired. But those causes aren’t the same as what they are trying to get or do.

“Don’t overanalyze this,” Dr. Popcak says. It’s as simple as asking: “What were you trying to do? What was this person trying to do by behaving this way? Were they trying to solve a problem? Were they trying to express a feeling? Were they trying to tell me something that they need?”

It is critical to work with your child or spouse to identify their positive intention, Lisa Popcak says. “You’re not going off as mom or dad trying to puzzle this out for yourself and then telling your child what their positive intention was. You’re working with them,” she says. “You can guess at it. You can ask them leading questions to find out, but you’re checking along the way: ‘Is this what you were really doing this for? Is this the intention behind the action that you took?’”

Similarly, in a conflict with your spouse, the goal is to respectfully and compassionately work with him or her to identify what their positive want or need is.

Step 3: Explore More Virtuous Alternatives

Once you’ve identified the problem and understood the intention, it’s time to consider healthier, more virtuous ways to handle similar situations in the future.

“Now we’re saying, all right, the next time something like this comes up, how could we handle it differently? What are some alternatives that we could do to make this work better?” Dr. Popcak says.

Whether you are working with your spouse or your child, the key is to cooperatively brainstorm a better way of handling the situation.

Step 4: Repair and Reaffirm the Relationship

The next step is to “check in” on your relationship to make sure everything is good. In less serious conflicts, this might be as simple as offering a reassuring hug or finding another concrete way to show that you care about the other person.

In more serious situations, it might be necessary to do something to repair the harm that was done during the conflict. This could take the form of a sincere apology, or it could be something more concrete, like a child returning the toy he took from his sister. In any case, this step is all about reinforcing the relationship by showing, in words or actions, that you really care for one another.

Step 5: Reinforce the More Virtuous Way of Handling Things

The final step is to reinforce the more virtuous, loving way of handling needs and problems.

In Discipleship Discipline, the Popcaks advocate a “wraparound technique” in which parents check in with kids at the beginning of the day and the end of the day.

“In the morning when you’re getting up and you have your brief morning prayer time, you just say, ‘Hey, you remember when this situation comes up, we talked about how to handle it this way instead of what we were doing before?’” Dr. Popcak says. Then, you talk through the alternative approach you developed in step three. With kids, you might even role-play the new approach.

“And then, at the end of the day, you check in again,” Dr. Popcak continues. You ask how it went handling similar conflicts throughout the day, and then you problem-solve any challenges the child might have had.

The point of this daily practice is to help build up muscle memory, Lisa Popcak says, so that the next time a similar conflict arises, the more constructive approach can break through the intense emotions flooding the brain.

Spouses can benefit from this daily check-in, too. This might be as simple as asking at the end of the day, “How are you feeling about that thing that we talked about?”

“You’re trying to remind each other about the changes that you want to make,” Dr. Popcak says. “It’s a gentle way to create a structure that helps remind each other to do the new thing without nagging each other.”

Better Problem Solving Means Happier Families

Implementing these five steps doesn’t just resolve immediate issues; it lays a lasting foundation for compassionate, effective conflict resolution. These intentional strategies cultivate emotional intelligence and spiritual maturity, equipping family members to navigate conflicts constructively and lovingly throughout life.

And families that learn to handle conflict in this way become beacons of God’s love to the world, too.

“This approach isn’t just for today,” Lisa Popcak says. “It’s about planting seeds for all future relationships: spouses, children, grandchildren, even coworkers.”

If you’d like to learn more about this powerful approach to family conflict and discipline, tune into Episode 77 of the CatholicHŌM podcast, which provided the source material for this article; you’ll find it exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app. And if your marriage or family problems need more in-depth, personal attention, reach out for help from a Catholic pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

4 Practices That Help “Grown Up” Families Stay Close

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Many parents assume that it’s inevitable for families to grow apart as kids grow up and leave home; Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak hear this assumption frequently on their More2Life call-in radio show. And it’s true: long distances, busy work schedules, and new family responsibilities all make it more challenging for adult children to stay connected with their parents and siblings.

But in their book Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, the Popcaks propose a way for families to maintain warm, loving adult relationships even though they are not living under the same roof any longer.

The key? Shared experiences around family rituals. By finding ways to continue working, playing, talking, and praying together on a regular basis—even at a distance—“grown up” families build a “trellis” to support the growth of love, trust, and connection. Over time, these practices build emotional capital, creating the context for deeper conversations and mutual understanding.

 

Family Rituals in the Context of Adult Relationships

If you belong to CatholicHŌM or are familiar with the Popcaks’ work around the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, you probably already know how shared family rituals provide a strong foundation for family life. In Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, the Popcaks explain how to practice these family rituals in the context of adult relationships.

In their book, the Popcaks provide several pages of ideas for creating rituals tailored to different aspects of family life. These can be adjusted to fit the unique needs and interests of your family. Here are some examples:

  • Work rituals: Collaborate on a family project, such as organizing a reunion, helping an adult child with home repairs, or preparing meals for a local charity. Even simple tasks, like cleaning out a garage together, can provide opportunities to connect.
  • Play rituals: Schedule regular game nights, family hikes, or movie nights. For families spread across distances, try an online trivia game or watch a movie “together” while chatting via video call.
  • Prayer rituals: Create a family group chat for sharing prayer intentions and answered prayers. Attend Mass together on special occasions, or occasionally text a personalized prayer for an adult child’s specific need. For example: “Lord, please bless Carla in her job interview today. Help her to use the gifts you’ve given her and trust in your plan for her life.”
  • Conversation rituals: Plan regular one-on-one coffee or meal dates with your adult children. Use technology to stay connected through weekly family video calls or group chats.

 

Turning Intentions Into Action

Of course, these family rituals don’t just materialize on their own. “There needs to be some intentionality and even some gentle, positive pressure to make these things happen regularly,” the Popcaks write.

But how do you make family rituals happen when your adult children have their own lives and priorities? More importantly, how do you do it in a way that feels natural and joyful for everyone? The Popcaks offer four tips:

  1.       Set Expectations. Start by creating the understanding that family connection is important and should happen regularly. Avoid presenting this as a wistful fantasy, as though it’s an unlikely goal. Instead, take a hopeful and practical approach: “Let’s get out our calendars and make something happen.” Suggest a few ideas to get the ball rolling, but don’t force a particular plan. Instead, use your suggestions as conversation starters that encourage your adult children to share their own ideas.
  2.       Generate Buy-In. Invite your adult children to contribute ideas about what they’d enjoy doing together. Be generous and open to possibilities, even if some suggestions aren’t your personal favorites. The goal isn’t necessarily finding the one activity that you all love equally. Rather, the goal is finding a list of activities you can all reasonably tolerate or even enjoy. Whether it’s a shared project, a game night, or a simple family meal, focus on the relationship rather than the specific activity.
  3.       Be Realistic About Participation. Acknowledge that not everyone will always be able to join, and that’s okay. Make it clear that the door is always open to those who can participate. By showing flexibility and understanding, you create a sense of welcome without making anyone feel pressured or guilty. Let them know you value time with whoever is available, and don’t let absences discourage your efforts.
  4.       Make It Enjoyable. When the family does come together, ensure the time is pleasant and enjoyable for all involved. This helps create positive momentum, encouraging everyone to look forward to future gatherings. As the Popcaks write: “The relationship is primary; the activity is secondary.”

Over time, this gentle approach builds enthusiasm for shared experiences.

If you’re ready to take the next step in strengthening your family bonds, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book, Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, offers even more insights and practical advice. For additional help tailored to your unique situation, visit CatholicCounselors.com to connect with a pastoral counselor who can guide you on this journey.

3 Practices for a Happier, Holier Holiday Season

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The period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day is typically one of the more hectic and stressful times of the year, especially for families with children in the house. The irony is that the holidays we celebrate during this time of year—Thanksgiving, Advent, Christmas, the New Year—were originally established to help us connect more intimately with God and one another.

What’s the solution? Getting back to the root reason for these holidays is a good start, say Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak on their CatholicHŌM podcast. (You can find it exclusively in the Podcasts section of the CatholicHŌM app.)  They suggest reviewing (and possibly revising) your holiday plans before things get crazy with one goal in mind: protecting and nurturing your most important relationships.

Here are three areas to evaluate as you chart your way to a happier, holier holiday season.

1. Prioritize Connection Over Perfection

Sometimes, we enter the holiday season aiming for our very own “Hallmark movie moment,” focusing on decorating, baking, and finding that perfect gift. Unconsciously, we think that if our stagecraft is good enough, moments of emotional warmth and connection will follow.

But instead of aiming for movie-set decorating and gift-giving perfection, the Popcaks suggest putting your energy into strengthening family relationships and creating opportunities for meaningful moments.

“It all starts with being extra intentional about taking care of one another,” Greg Popcak says.

“God’s presence is manifested in that caretaking that you give to each other, that sacrificial love that your priestly mission of baptism reveals,” he says. “And so the more you ask, ‘How can we take better care of each other as a couple or as a family? What do we need from each other to really not just get through the holiday…but really to love each other through the holiday?’ That’s what Advent is calling us to as families.”

Research shows that families whose members routinely show extravagant affection and affirmation to one another, and who respond promptly and generously to one another’s needs, tend to have stronger, warmer relationships.

“You know, those things don’t come naturally, and it takes some effort and it takes some intention,” he says. “But even if we picked one of those things, either for the whole Advent season or every day…that would help us find ways to make a little bit more room for Christ and make our homes a little bit holier and a little bit more peaceful by Christmas.”

During the busyness of the holiday season, it’s especially important to protect your family’s time together. Doing that may require some planning, Lisa Popcak says. Don’t just squeeze family time into the gaps between a myriad of other obligations; schedule it on your calendar. Your time together doesn’t need to be elaborate; some of the most meaningful moments are often the simplest. Go on a drive around town to view holiday lights, for example, or schedule a nighttime sledding party and bonfire.

2. Clarify Your Priorities, Then Set Boundaries to Protect Them

When your children look back on this holiday season ten years from now, what do you want to stand out for them? What words or phrases do you hope they might use to describe this time? What are the values or experiences you want to stand out in their memory?

Asking those simple questions can help you clarify the values and priorities that guide your choices during the holiday season. Maybe you want to incorporate more faith-based activities; maybe it’s time to begin creating new holiday traditions for your family; or maybe you want to simplify expectations. Figure out your priorities as a couple first, then bring your children into the conversation to see what traditions or activities are most important to them. Knowing what matters most allows you to focus your energy where it counts.

Once you know your priorities, do what you need to do to make space for them. This might mean letting go of something you’ve just “always” done.

Take Advent traditions, for example. Advent traditions “were really created in the first place to build intimate connection between the family and God,” Greg Popcak points out. “And if those particular traditions are actually standing in opposition to your connection with each other and God…maybe it’s time for that tradition to either go or be approached in a different way.”

Annual activities with extended family might need to be approached differently, too. For example, let’s say one of your priorities is to spend time together with your own family on Christmas Day rather than traveling to visit your parents. You still want to see your parents, of course, and your parents want to see you and their grandchildren. But you can honor the “what” of this tradition while negotiating the “when” and “how,” Lisa Popcak says.

You don’t need to apologize or offer excuses to your parents or extended family, she says. Instead, affirm your desire to connect during the holidays and then look for alternative ways of doing that.

“You’re adults with your own children now, so you really don’t need anybody’s permission,” she says. “You just want to move the relationship (with extended family) to a place of connectedness in a way that works for you and your family.”

3. Practice Heartfelt, Honest Prayer

Finally, don’t lose sight of the fact that the purpose of the Advent and Christmas seasons is to help us draw closer to God. The Church offers us a lot of ways for doing this during Advent and Christmas, from the Jesse Tree to the Advent wreath, from the O Antiphons to manger blessings and Christmas novenas.

All of those prayer and devotional traditions are wonderful, the Popcaks say—as long as they really deepen your relationship with God.

“Formal prayers work when they are at the service of the heart, not standing in place of the heart,” Greg Popcak says. “We’ve got to start with the heart in family prayer.”

For example, let’s say that it’s been a hectic, stressful day, and by the end of it, everyone is irritable and crabby. Things have been said that, while not awful, definitely aren’t bringing people closer. Now, at the end of the day, you gather everyone around the Advent wreath to do a quick run-through of “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” because it’s just part of your nightly routine during Advent.

But reciting all the prayers and singing all the hymns without bringing your hearts to God defeats the whole point of those prayers and hymns. Instead, begin with a heartfelt prayer that brings to God what is going on in your family right here and now.

Lisa Popcak offers this example prayer: “You know, Lord, help us to be a better team. Help us to learn to listen to you and to take good care of each other through this stressful holiday time. Help us to learn how to make room in our home and our hearts for more of your love.”

Once you have turned your hearts to God, take the time you need to have a conversation as a family about how you might do better going forward. Then celebrate your Advent wreath service, a little more joyfully than you would have otherwise. Or, call it a day, because what is really important is making that connection to God and asking for him to bless your family with his love and help.

Remember, if the holiday crazies start getting your family down, get back to the root reason for the season by prioritizing warm and meaningful connections, doing what is necessary to make space for your priorities, and asking for God’s help through it all with heartfelt family prayer. If you can work on these three foundational practices, you will be on your way to a happier, holier holiday season.

This article is an abridged version of advice Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak offered on the CatholicHŌM Podcast, episodes 16, 18, and 43. It’s available exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app.