By: Francine and Byron Pirola

If your marriage is in strife and you need some help, it’s important to make sure you get the right help.  Unfortunately, many counsellors and therapists will accept couples for couples counselling without having any specific training. Couples therapy is a unique and one of the most difficult counselling tasks and you deserve a therapist that is fully qualified.  Another common pitfall is a therapist who is ‘neutral’ towards saving the marriage. This position often comes about because counsellors are trained to not impose their values on their clients. The problem is, it’s an inhuman expectation — we all have values about marriage and we bring those values into the work we do and the conversations we have. Regrettably, many counsellors are themselves divorced and will have a bias towards marriage dissolution. If you are looking for support in rebuilding your marriage, this is not the right kind of therapist for you.

So how do you find a marriage-friendly therapist?

1. Ask around for recommendations, and importantly, ask why that person is being recommended.
2. Before committing to therapy, ask the counsellor some questions about his attitude to saving a marriage when there are problems, his specific training in couples therapy, what his success rate is.
3. If you’re not happy with your counsellor and feel that your values are being compromised, find another one!
4. Keep in mind that many marital problems can be successfully ‘treated’ with marriage education. In fact for some issues, marriage education has been shown to be more effective than counselling. For more information on whether the  SmartLoving Marriage  seminar would be of help to you, click  here  for your local contact.

For more information and suggestions, we recommend Dr Bill Doherty’s work on  ‘Take back your Marriage”,  Questions to Ask your Therapist, What to  Look for in a Therapist.

By: Francine and Byron Pirola

Love means more than saying “I’m sorry”.

There’s a difference between the ‘I’-centered statement, “I’m sorry,” and the other-centered statement, “Will you please forgive me?”  The ‘I’-centered statement simply acknowledges a fact. A person might recognize that they behaved poorly, inconsiderately, insensitively, thoughtlessly or carelessly. They might also just want to move on or be done with it without a change of heart. One can say “I’m sorry” and remain self-centered and unrepentant.  “Will you forgive me” on the other hand, means that a person wants to be back in relationship with the other. It requires vulnerability and trust because it risks rejection for the good of the other and for the relationship. Vulnerability and repentance open the door to intimacy. You can grow in love powerfully when you humbly ask forgiveness of your spouse. It is your concern for the one you love that brings about your repentance. Your willingness to be vulnerable demonstrates sincere love and builds the trust between you.  Pride, on the other hand, is always divisive. Asking for forgiveness requires humility, and humility will endear you to each other and draw you into unity.

Essential Aspects of Reconciliation

Some couples are ‘natural’ reconcilers because of their conflict-avoidant personalities or deep formation in virtue. For most couples, some concrete direction is helpful. Here are the steps we use to reconcile.

Acknowledging the damage. Most times, both you and your spouse will have been wounded. In order for you to be free to release your interior wounds, it is necessary for you to carefully articulate your feelings of hurt. This process requires both a willingness to vulnerably self-reveal by the sharing spouse, and a firm commitment to self-restraint by the listening spouse so that a trusting atmosphere can be established.

Expressing sorrow. Saying “I’m sorry” and expressing genuine regret is an important statement that reassures your spouse of your sincerity. Expressing your sorrow is a vulnerable sharing of your feelings as you accept responsibility for the damage you have caused.

Asking for forgiveness is different and more difficult than expressing sorrow. “Please forgive me” is a request that willingly surrenders all power to your injured spouse. It takes great humility to ask for forgiveness. When this is mutually expressed by you and your spouse when there is hurt on both sides, it is a powerfully bonding experience.
Committing to change not only safeguards against further injury, it is a further indication of your sincerity. For some people, this is essential before they feel capable of trusting again in the relationship.

Granting forgiveness is a decision by the injured spouse to release all feelings of ill-will toward the other. For many it is accompanied by a distinctive experience of healing, though healing often comes later for some people. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and doesn’t depend on your feelings.

Rebuilding trust. The rebuilding of trust in your relationship may be immediate or take several months if the offense was substantial. The injured spouse will naturally feel anxious about further hurt and so the responsibility for re-establishing trust requires a sustained commitment by both of you.

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola of SmartLoving.

By: Francine and Byron Pirola

 Have you ever found that you seem to be having the same argument over and over?

Sometimes this may be because you didn’t resolve the issue in the previous argument, and so inevitably, it comes up again. But sometimes, there is a déjà vu sense when the issue is new — that comes about because the pattern, what we call the anatomy, of an argument is essentially unchanged; every argument has some predictable elements.

1.     Preconditions

Preconditions are the things that make you or your spouse particularly sensitive or reactive before the argument even starts. This includes things such as,

• Physical discomfort — being tired, hungry, unwell or in pain — these things put us ‘on edge’
• Mental distractions — such as stress, interruptions, being late for an engagement, visitors
• Emotional distance — from inadequate time together or an unresolved hurt from an previous argument
• Psychological stress — for example, feeling vulnerable from a recent unpleasant encounter, such as at work or with a friend.  Also  mood-altering substances such as alcohol or drugs can be triggers for some people.

Some preconditions vary over time and can be managed with more thoughtful timing. For example, we avoid raising a difficult topic when one or both of us are tired or stressed. Before raising a potentially inflammatory topic, if we are emotionally distant, we try to spend some positive time together first.  It’s helpful to recognise which preconditions make you particularly reactive and to learn how to manage them. For example, I am particularly sensitive to tiredness, becoming irritable and headache prone. So I take care to get sleep and avoid overtaxing myself when I am sleep-deprived.  A major sensitivity for all of us arises from our childhood frustrations — experiences from our childhood that left us with deep wounds and unmet needs.  These childhood frustrations continue to influence us into our adult relationships where we subconsciously seek to resolve them. For example, if you did not receive adequate attention and approval from your father, you will subconsciously be driven by this childhood frustration to seek it from father/authority figures in your adult life. This will precondition your expectations of your spouse and other relationships and set you up for hurt and disappointment.

2.     Value Divergence & the need for Value Validation

Arguments usually begin with simple disagreements. At the heart of a disagreement is a divergence in values: we each attach a different importance to the issue under discussion. A simple decision, like deciding what to watch on TV, can escalate to an argument if we fail to appreciate the values each person is bringing to the discussion.  For example, one might value the activity as an opportunity to de-stress — so he or she wants something mindless and purely entertaining. The other may see the activity as a time to do something together and will therefore look for a show that invites connection and dialogue. Soon they are arguing about whether to watch a rugby game or a romantic comedy. If they fail to appreciate the value divergence, they will get fixated on what to watch and who gets their way and neither will be satisfied — it won’t be relaxing and it won’t be bonding.  Alternatively, if they are able to recognize and name their differing values, they are in a better position to validate each other’s values and find a solution that honors both — for example, an action movie may enable them to both de-stress and connect.

3.     Escalation triggers

We’ve all had the experience where a conversation suddenly turns sour in a nano-second; one minute we’re discussing something quite rationally, the next we in a full blown argument. Escalation triggers are the things that you or your spouse do or say that ‘hit a hot button’ and step up the intensity of the argument, or transform a lively conversation into a heated debate. Escalation triggers include things like:

• harsh start up, going on the attack, badgering/nagging, criticism
• name calling, contemptuous comments, contradicting or belittling the other
• disrespectful comments or gestures, unloving gestures, rudeness
• globalisation (exaggerating the offence), bringing up old wounds
• defensiveness, denying the issue or responsibility
• stonewalling, refusing to engage, walking out, withdrawing, indifference
• rejecting repair attempts, resisting attempts to de-escalate the argument
• not listening properly, ignoring the other or switching off, apathy
• angry outbursts, real or threatened violence, threats of punishment or ultimatums

Research by Dr John & Julie Gottman has identified seven of these escalation triggers as being particularly destructive to relationships. For a more detailed discussion, see the Seven Deadly Habits:  here

4.     The Amygdala hijack

The amygdala is in the primitive part of the brain and concerned with survival. It works by comparing incoming information with emotional memories. It does this very quickly to assess whether a threat is present. The threat may be physical or emotional and if detected, the amygdala will ‘hijack’ the brain and initiate a fight, flight or freeze reaction within milliseconds. This happens before the thinking part of the brain, the neocortex, has had time to evaluate the threat.  In the case of a physical threat, the amygdala hijack can be life-saving; catch a fast moving object coming towards you in the corner of your eye, and you don’t really want to wait for your neocortex to decide if is a rock or a ping pong ball — your amygdala will galvanize your body to action. Adrenaline is released as well as a number of other hormones that readies your body for fast action. These hormones can take several hours to clear and for the body to recover its normal state.  In this highly aroused state, the brain’s capacity for rational thinking is reduced, and instinct often takes over.  The problem is that the amygdala doesn’t differentiate between a physical threat and an emotional one. So a simple, careless comment by your spouse can be enough to trigger an amygdala hijack and initiate a disproportionate reaction.  If you are prone to ‘over react’, there are strategies that you can employ to manage an amygdala hijack; do deep breathing, self-soothe and engage your thinking brain by consciously and deliberately thinking appreciative thoughts of your spouse.

5.     Flooding

The phenomenon of feeling emotionally overwhelmed is called ‘flooding’. It is associated with the activation of the fight-flight response which causes a number of physiological events including increased heart rate and blood pressure, high adrenaline, prioritisation of blood supply to large muscle groups.  When we are in this state, it is virtually impossible to rationally and calmly discuss the issue. All our valuable communication skills evaporate as we struggle to keep our emotions under control. Our good intentions to have a civil discussion are simply overwhelmed by the intense emotions  There is really only one sensible action when one or both of you are flooded — take a ‘time out’ and cool off. There can be no good gained from pursuing the discussion in this state.

 Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola of SmartLoving.