Good News for Families: Parents are Happier than Non-Parents After All.

FROM THE ATLANIC.  Since the 1980s, economists and psychologists have been aware of a “parental happiness gap.” Basically, the running theory has been that p

But Chris Herbst of Arizona State University and John Ifcher of Santa Clara University noticed some weaknesses in earlier studies on the phenomenon. Why did the studies always treat the happiness gap as a constant? Also, why was the word parents always defined as people whose egg and sperm had met and created a child? This excluded a segment of society who chose to have children: adoptive parents, step-parents, relatives who take in children—non-biological parents who willingly (and many times, happily) take in children to raise because they want to and, perhaps, find joy in having kids around.arents are a less happy bunch than their non-parenting peers. This makes some sense: After all,parents have a lot on their plates—changing diapers, getting their kids into the right schools, keeping their vaccinations up to date—and rarely have time to just relax and enjoy themselves.

So Herbst and Ifcher turned to two surveys (the General Social Survey and theDDB Worldwide Communications Life Style Survey) to re-examine parental happiness

by looking at both happiness trends and expanding the definition of “parents” to include any adult who has a non-adult living under the same roof.

Their results, appearing in a study titled “The Increasing Happiness of Parents,”challenge previous research on parental happiness: While parents appear t

o remain just as happy as they did back in the 1980s, the happiness of non-parents has fallen. This means that, today, parents are happier relative to non-parents—a shift from previous evidence.

Ifcher explained the results this way: “What we believe is going on is that there is a general negative trend in happiness among adults—[but] that negative trend is not happening for parents.” Adults seem to be getting grumpier as a whole, but parents are bucking that general trend.

The findings stay “sturdy” even in the face of common tough childrearing times, such as the terrible twos and adolescent angst, surprising Herbst and Ifcher.

“Parents with young kids of any age are becoming happier than non-parents,” Herbst told me. “It doesn’t matter how old the child is in the household: Parents with kids in any of these age groups are becoming happier.”  READ MORE

If you’d like more information on being a happier, more effective parent, check out, Parenting with Grace:  The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids!  

 

Popcak in WaPo on the Pope, “Catholicism is a love story.”

I was interviewed, earlier today, by Michelle Boorstein, a religion writer for the Washington Post.  We chatted about the challenge many people were having with Pope Francis style and my own journey from confusion and mild frustration to greater understanding and appreciation for what he is trying to do and say.  I appreciated her thoughtful and considerate approach and I hope we have other chances to speak in the future.

My comments centered on two themes (and since I’m not sure how much will make it in to the article I figured I’d blog it here); (1) The need to understand the Hierarchy of Truths and, (2) the need to appreciate the two conversations that are currently ongoing in the Church.

Hierarchy of Truths

When Francis speaks of the importance of having conversations about abortion, contraception, and gay marriage “in a context,”  I believe he is making reference to the hierarchy of truths.    In the Church, as in math and the sciences, there are certain things you need to be able to understand before you can effectively learn other things.  For instance, algebra makes no sense before you can do basic math (of course, for math-impaired arts and letters types like me, basic math didn’t help my algebra much).  Similarly, it is hard to expect someone to appreciate the dignity of all human life from conception to natural death until someone can accept the personal  significance of the Jesus’ love for humankind (and for them, personally).

That’s not to say that the truth regarding life issues is less important.  It is to say that the ability to see those truths tends to depend upon the acceptance of other, more basic, truths (e.g., the love and Lordship of Jesus Christ).  Pope Francis is not so much saying that we shouldn’t be talking about the important moral issues of the day as he is saying that we have to be careful not to let Catholicism be reduced to a group of ethical rules that must be obeyed.  At it’s heart, and I shared this with Ms. Boorstein, Catholicism is a love story not a rule book.   Through the Eucharist, especially, God seeks to be united with his beloved in a profound and personal way.

We cannot let the fact that our Catholic faith is the love story between the Bridegroom and His bride be obscured by the truth of–for instance–canon laws on marriage.  Both are important, but one is more primary.

As for questions about Pope Francis’ style, Let’s extend the marriage analogy further. Which is a more compelling message?  “Marriage means saying ‘no’ to the million other people you could be sleeping with instead”  or “Marriage means you have found the one person whom God has chosen to be your helpmate; the person who will devote his or her life to you, help you become everything God created you to be, and get you ready to spend Eternity with Him”?  Again, both messages are true, and if there is some confusion about the nature of marital fidelity the former is an important conversation to have.  But the latter message  is more compelling insofar as it is a more accurate portrayal of what Catholics actually believe about marriage.

Pope Francis is reminding the world of the love story that stands at the heart of our Catholic faith.

The Two Conversations

The second point I hope I was able to make in my interview had to do with the two conversations the Church has been, and still is, having.

In the years after Vatican II, there was a great deal of confusion regarding what it meant to respond to God’s call to love in the 20th century.  Pope Paul VI, JPII, and B16 focused the conversation on “What does our ‘yes’ to God’s question, ‘will you let me love you?’ look like today?”   They established that our response has to do with the way we express our love for others, the way we work to promote the dignity of every person from birth to natural death, and the right of every person to have everything necessary to live a full and godly life.    The parameters of that conversation have been established, perhaps not as securely as some of us might like, but nevertheless,  the parameters are set.

In light of those parameters having been established by his predecessors, Pope Francis seems (to me) to be saying that there is another message that needs to be proclaimed; specifically, that “Jesus Christ is Lord and he loves you.”  Both conversations are important, but it does little good to talk about the proper response to God’s love with people who haven’t yet experienced his love for themselves.  Pope Francis, I think, is asking us to focus on this other, more primary conversation. I do not believe he is saying that the moral conversation is no longer relevant, but rather that we need to keep these two conversations going in our heads–and in the world–at the same time.  We must proclaim that “Jesus Christ is Lord and He loves you”  at the same time we teach what it means to say, “yes” to that invitation to respond to his love.    If Pope Francis appears to be favoring one conversation over the other–and I’m not convinced he is–then he is only doing so because the world has become so fixated on the moral conversation it has lost the thread of the love story and he intends to remind people of that greatest story every told.

I hope I was able to communicate that effectively in the interview, and I hope my observations might bring some clarity to the frustration, confusion, and (in some cases) misplaced proclamations of the death of orthodoxy, that so many are speaking about in the pew.

Więcej moich książek zostały przetłumaczone na język polski! (That is, “More of my books are coming out in Poland!”)

For Better…Forever! ( NA DOBRE… NA ZAWSZE! )  and Holy Sex! (ŚWIĘTY SEKS! )  as well as God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy! (Boże, pomóż mi! Ten stres doprowadza mnie do szaleństwa!) and God Help Me, These People Are Driving Me Nuts! (Boże, pomóż mi! Ci ludzie doprowadzają mnie do szału) have  been translated into Polish and are apparently selling well in JPII’s homeland.

I just got a note from the Polish publisher of For Better…Forever and Holy Sex! that they will now be bringing out our parenting books;  Parenting with Grace: A Catholic Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids and  Beyond the Birds and the Bees:  Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids.

I can’t tell you how exciting it is to see that these titles that seek to apply the Theology of the Body to the challenges of every day life are coming out in Poland, the birthplace of TOB!

Sto Lat!

WLW NUCLEAR INTERVIEW– Hear it Yourself.

A few tech-savvy readers found the link to the Eddie and Tracy Show I wrote about the other day.  I’ve had several people ask to be able to listen so… Here you go.    (I’m told it starts about 17:15 in)

Not knowing their style, you can tell I was a little stunned by their approach at first (they start insulting me in their introduction) but things picked up pretty quickly.  To be completely honest, I can’t bring myself to listen to it again, but I’ve been told it’s worth tuning in for.  Check it out if you are so inclined.

UPDATE:  It’s a slow loader.  It looks like it’s only 10:59 but if you wait 5 min it goes to 30 min.  It’s all there.

Blessed Are You When WLW Drive Time Hosts Persecute You?

Yesterday, I had an interview–actually, it was more like nuclear warfare–with Eddie Fingers and Tracy Jones, hosts of the #1 afternoon drive time show in Cincinnati.  They had me on to discuss my book, Holy Sex, in light of the NY Times article on the Hook-Up Culture .  It turns out I wrote the book that shocked the shock jocks.

A couple of weeks ago, in light of the US News and World Report article on how devout Catholics have the best and most frequent sex, my publisher hired a publicist to book  interviews for me on secular and Christian radio.  Overall, its gone well with most interviewers being patronizing at worst and actually interested at best.  These guys were another story altogether.

One of them, I think it was Tracy (it was hard to tell them apart but he identified himself as a former pro-ball player so I suspect it was him) decided that I had some kind of mental illness for suggesting that 1) anyone  should wait to have sex until marriage and 2) monogamy was a good thing.  Worse, he acted as if I was personally insulting him for saying the same.

When I shared that the more sexual partners one has before marriage the more difficult it was to make satisfying, lifelong sexual bonds later in life, he went ballistic.

It’s hard to describe how vicious, mean-spirited and vitriolic he was. He accused me of being a “nerdy joyless ‘doctor’ who just couldn’t get any” and just wanted to inflict my miserable joyless ways on the world.  And that was the friendly part of the interview.  Of course, some of Jones’ credibility, especially regarding my point on the lifelong bonding issue, was undermined when he had to admit that he was on his second marriage and, in response to my direct challenge to his assertion that lifelong monogamy was impossible, he admitted that he would probably cheat on his second wife, “if it came up.”  But y’know, why let facts, reason, and personal experience get in the way of narcissistic ant-religious bluster?

I deal with a lot of angry people in my line of work and I’m not easily intimidated by drama so I think I managed to make some solid points despite being taken by surprise.   I’m not sure why, but they seemed genuinely shocked when I told them how happy I was in my life, my marriage and my family.  In response to Jones’ harangue, “Do you know how few people like you there are?!?”  I said that there are very few billionaires too, but very few people think that being one is a bad thing.  I then told him that I thought he was peddling a sad message that told people they should settle rather than pursue the lifelong, faithful love everyone craves.  That was one of the few times they got quiet.

Regardless, the reason I’m even bothering to share any of this on the blog is to remind us all of how shocking and disturbing the Gospel is even today.   I talk to a lot of Christians who feel guilty after an encounter like this.  Guilty that they weren’t as self-possessed or perfectly composed as they imagine they ought to be, as they imagine Jesus would be.  Let me just say that there is no reason to ever feel guilty for standing up to a bully.  Whether it’s your brother-in-law, husband, or a narcissistic, former pro-ball player who doesn’t know how to keep his zipper up and hates you for not being similarly challenged.

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. (Matt 5:11).   The world still hates us.  Not because our message is bad, but because our message is so good that they don’t believe it’s possible for them.  They hate us because we stand as a witness to the life and love they could have if only they would give their lives to God.  Keep witnessing.  Don’t be discouraged.

You want to know the really funny thing?  At the end of the interview, Tracy’s partner said he wanted to have me back.    I look forward to Round Two.

Pick up your copy of the book the shocked the Shock Jocks– Holy Sex! A Catholic Guide to Toe Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving.

 

Popcak in US News & World Report for “Holy Sex!”

US News and World Report did an article on Catholic sexuality.  They cited recent studies asserting that devout Catholics are more satisfied with their sexual relationships–both in quantity and frequency–than any other group.  Imagine my happy surprise to see my book, Holy Sex!, cited in the body of the article!

The notion that Catholics have better sex isn’t a new one, especially coming from Catholics. In 1994, Andrew Greeley, a Catholic sociologist and priest, published “Sex: The Catholic Experience,” which released a litany of new statistics: 68 percent of Catholics professed to have sex at least once a week versus 56 percent of non-Catholics; 30 percent of Catholics had bought erotic underwear versus 20 percent non-Catholics; and 80 percent of devout Catholic women approved of having sex for pleasure alone.

In 2008, Gregory K. Popcak, a Catholic pastoral marriage and family counselor, released a book with a similar theme, called “Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving.”     Check out the rest of the story! 

Why Does Infant Carying Soothe Babies when Other Things Fail?

Every parent has had the experience of having to walk around carrying a crying baby to soothe him.   We have a lot of different ways to soothe a crying baby, but when all else fails, carrying often does the trick.  Why does carrying succeed when other strategies–including merely holding the baby–fail?

Studying the process of infant soothing is extremely important because inconsolable babies are more susceptible to abusive treatment by parents.  Understanding the psychological or biological mechanisms that enables infants to be calmed is a significant public health concern.  Because of this, researchers at the RIKEN Brain Science Institute decided to investigate whether there was a neurological basis for the effectiveness of infant carrying.   They discovered some surprising things.

Carrying Triggers Newly Discovered Calming Reflex

It turns out that carrying an infant triggers a three-way mechanism in the brain that suppresses involuntary muscle movements & struggling while also dramatically reducing the infant’s heart rate.  These changes happen almost immediately.  In fact, this process is such an automatic response to being carried that it could almost be considered a previously undiscovered reflex.  The study noted that merely holding a baby does not stimulate this reflex.  Only carrying does.

Moreover, this relaxing response to being carried by one’s parent is not just found in humans, it is consistent across mammals–from mouse pups to lion cubs–indicating that this response is a deeply ingrained part of mammalian brain programming.  Indeed, the study notes that the brain mechanisms responsible for this soothing reaction is controlled by the cerebellum (which is responsible for monitoring muscle control) and the parasympathetic nervous system (responsible for relaxing the body).

So What?  –The Practical & Spiritual Significance of Infant Carrying

Practically speaking, research like this gives further weight to the recommendation to practice “baby wearing“; that is, keeping a baby close to your body in a sling to maximize bodily contact between parent and infant.  Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body suggests that as we prayerfully contemplate the meaning of the body, we can discover God’s intention for how we are to relate to one another.  In light of his profound reflection, findings like this from the RIKEN Brain Science Institute are even more significant. Think about it.  God actually created structures in the brain that require a specific kind of external stimulation in order to be activated!  Even the our brains are not entirely our own.  The brain is truly a social organ that effectively reaches outside of us so that it find wholeness and health by plugging into the surrounding social network.  Understanding this offers stunning new insights into why Genesis 2:18.    Findings like this speak to both the deeply social nature of the human person and gives neurobiological credence to the otherwise merely philosophical assertion that we were created, primarily, to love and be loved.

When parents are willing to learn from the instruction manual God has given them in the form of their baby’s cues, both parents and baby can be happier and healthier.

For more information on how principles from interpersonal neurobiology and the theology of the body can make your parenting life easier and more effective, check out Parenting with Grace:  A Catholic Parent Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.

 

 

4 Tips To Make Parenting Easier

Parenting is tough work.  Wouldn’t it be nice if there were some ways to make your parenting life easier?

The Theology of the Body teaches that families are schools of love and virtue and that parents are the primary teachers of their children.  Well, great teachers need state-of-the-art techniques and since parents are teaching the most important lessons of all–as Evangelium Vitae puts it, how to experience “all the values that enable us to live life as a gift”–we need the best techniques available.

There are many different techniques parents can choose from; verbal correction, time-outs, star charts, consequences and even–though I don’t recommend it myself–corporal punishment.  But how do you know what will actually work?  Here are four tips that can help you evaluate the power of your parenting techniques and help make your parenting life that much easier.

4 Things the Most Effective Parenting Techniques Share:

 

1.  Technique can’t substitute for relationship.  It is a truism in family psychology that “rules without rapport leads to rebellion.”  Parenting techniques don’t work well in the absence of a good relationship with your kids.  For instance; the effectiveness of the popular Time-Out technique is, at least in part, predicated on the idea that your kid doesn’t want to be away from you.  If your relationship has deteriorated to the point that your child would rather be away from you than with you, Time-Out is a reward for bad behavior.  In fact, paradoxically, the more you use it, the worse your kid’s behavior will get.

If you find that your traditional, go-to techniques aren’t working–or aren’t working as well–it might be time to back off the techniques and focus on filling up the relationship bank account with your child.     Take some one-on-one time with your child that isn’t focused on correcting or lecturing.  Go out to breakfast.  Do a project your child needs your help with.  Play a game your child is good at (maybe even better than you).   You will find that when your relationship is in a better place, virtually any technique you use will be more effective.

2.  Effective Techniques are Immediately Employable.   In order to be effective, a technique has to be something you can do right now.  If you can’t employ it immediately, it isn’t a technique, it’s a threat.  Threats are very poor motivators.  Saying to a child, “I’m going to take X away”  (a threat)  isn’t as effective as simply taking the thing away right then.  For example; if you are talking to your child and he is ignoring you, don’t say, “I’m going to turn off the TV if you don’t start listening.”   Save your breath.  Just walk over and turn off the TV.  Now you have his attention.  You can decide whether to turn it back on or not when you’re done talking.  The point is, a consequence that doesn’t happen right now is no consequence at all.  Don’t waste time with threats.  Instead, focus on techniques you can use immediately.

3.  Effective Techniques are both Easily and Consistently Enforceable.  There are lots of parenting techniques that are great ideas on paper but tend to fall apart in application.  For example; star charts or “token economies”  (where you give a child points or chips that they earn for good behavior and save up to use for certain prizes or privileges) are great ideas in theory, but they can be very hard to keep up with especially if you are trying to use them with multiple issues with multiple children.  Techniques like these tend to work best if you use them with one child for one issue for a limited period of time.  The best techniques are those that are easy to keep track of and consistently enforceable.   Don’t waste time with techniques that require too much effort to maintain.

4.  Effective Techniques Point to the Positive Opposite.  Effective techniques don’t simply focus on stopping bad behavior they also teach the “positive opposite” (i.e., the desirable behavior that the parent wants to replace the negative behavior).   Too many times, parents imagine that if they do a good enough job stopping the bad behavior, then good behavior will spontaneously erupt in its place.  People tend not to work that way.  If a kid is misbehaving it is either because he doesn’t know what to do instead, OR he doesn’t know how to do what he knows is right in this particular context or when he is overwhelmed by these particular feelings.   To be effective, parents need to teach children what to do instead or how to succeed at doing the alternative behavior in this context.

This is where punishments like yelling or corporal punishment fail.  They do stop bad behavior, but they don’t do anything to teach new skills.  Some children will, eventually, figure out what to do on their own but many other children will just stop trying.  This latter group of kids are the ones who ultimately become completely immune to consequences or punishment.  A parent once said to me, “I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’ve taken away everything except air.”  If you have a kid like this, chances are your approach to discipline has been much more heavily focused on stopping the bad without necessarily teaching what to do instead.  Telling a kid what to do isn’t enough.  For instance, as a child, I struggled in math class.  I had plenty of teachers who told me what to do, but until I had someone walk through it with me, step-by-step, over and over, and taught me how to use the formula in lots of different contexts (even though it was the same formula) I just couldn’t get it.  The same thing is true of some kids and behavior.  Using techniques that don’t just stop bad behavior but also teach how to do the “positive opposite” step-by-step in many different contexts (even if its the same “formula”) is the best way to make sure that you aren’t wasting your parenting energy.

In a late post, I’ll share some examples of techniques that fit these criteria.  In the meantime, if you’re interested in learning over 20 different techniques that allow you to raise the behavioral bar while simultaneously making your parenting life easier, pick up a copy of Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.

 

Coming Wed on More2Life Radio: Raising Faithful Kids (Plus, Win a Free Book! Details Below)

Coming Wednesday on More2Life:  Raising Faithful Kids–Every Catholic parent wants to raise faithful kids. Today, we’ll talk about what it really takes to raise kids to love Jesus Christ and his Church and how to overcome the obstacles in your path.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about raising godly children.

WIN A FREE BOOK in our SUMMER BOOK GIVEAWAY!  Respond the  Q of the D:  (Two-fer.  Answer one or both to win!) 

1.  What are the most important things parents need to do to raise faithful kids?

2.  What do you think are the biggest obstacles to raising faithful kids?

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US! ~ Listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), ~ Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net ~ or catch our archived shows via the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)

———————*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a radio drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday on More2Life Radio.

This week’s featured title is:  How to Find True Love.    How to find true love is a book about finding God’s love hidden in the little moments of everyday life.  Each chapter is a short reflection on another surprising way we can experience more love in our lives and, ultimately, experience how much God, himself, truly loves us.

Winners will be announced on air and contacted by FB message following the drawing this Friday, 6/21.