Resolving Repetitive Arguments

Posted on October 9, 2019 by GREG

Often we feel as though we’re just going in circles, having the same arguments over and over. So how do we break the cycle and start actually resolving problems or situations?

Studies show that happy couples tend to be more solution-focused in general, and focus on spending most of their energy addressing more solvable problems. They’re aware of larger issues in the relationship but they tend to hold off on addressing these until they’ve built up enough confidence/rapport by handling the little things well. Other couples tend to have a more emotionally-based approach that puts every issue—big and small—on an equal footing. They are less successful at solving anything, in part because their arguments are more emotional and many of the issues they choose to focus on can’t be easily addressed, especially when there isn’t good rapport.

In the beginning, God created each of us to see the world a little differently so that, working together and using our gifts for each other’s good, we would all attend to different details in a manner that would allow us to create a more holistic solution to any challenge. But in a fallen world filled with unique and unrepeatable people who see things differently AND don’t always work for each other’s good, there is bound to be some degree of conflict. Pope St. John Paul the Great reminds us that the only solution to this challenge is love–the willingness to understand what the other person needs to flourish and the willingness to make personal sacrifices to help them achieve achieve those things. By learning to be loving, ESPECIALLY in conflict, we can discover how to encourage each other through the tension, toward godly solutions, and experience even closer relationships–not just in spite of our differences, but because of those differences.

How can this be done?

Zoom Out–Repetitive arguments tend to be ones that are polarized. People stake out their positions too early in the discussion and then argue back and forth about who’s right and who’s wrong. If you’re having the same fight over and over, zoom out. Step back from trying to solve the problem and instead, figure out how to EMPATHIZE with the other person’s position. Ask questions that allow you to have genuine sympathy for what they are trying to accomplish.You might ask, “Help me understand how things would be better for you if you got what you were asking for.” OR “What is it you’re hoping will change if we did things your way?” You don’t have to agree with the other person, but keep asking questions until you truly understand their goal. People who feel truly understood are much more willing to negotiate in good faith.

Build The Solution Together–Repetitive arguments are usually caused because each person feels like they are trying to build something that the other person keeps taking apart–like two children fighting over the same block to build THEIR tower! Build your solution together. Once you have zoomed out enough to understand what each of you is really trying to accomplish. Ask, the other person, “What solution could you imagine that would allow you to get what you want but still be respectful to my concerns?” This is powerful question because it is both deferential AND assertive. On the one hand, you are humbly asking their advice. On the other hand, you are insisting that they consider your concern in their solution. This question sets up the right spirit of honesty and collaboration that allows two former competitors to start building together.

Work on Friending, Not Fighting–The most important thing in problem-solving is NOT solving the problem. It is taking care of each other through the conflict so that you can feel like two friends working together on the problem instead of two enemies fighting over limited resources. Focus on “Friending” NOT fighting. Tell the other person you appreciate them hanging in there with you, offer to pray together so that you are both open to God’s will, do little things to take care of them during a conflict like offering to get them a drink, or take a break, acknowledging their strengths or the value of their opinions. The more effective you are at taking care of the other person, the more likely you will be able to break through the tendency toward self-preservation that pervades repetitive arguments.

For more on how to resolve repetitive arguments, check out God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! and tune in to More2Life–weekdays at 10am E/9am C on EWTN, SiriusXM 130!

Having a Plan for Lent

Posted on February 6, 2018 by GREG

Guest post by Deacon Dominic Cerrato, director of the Pastoral Solutions Spiritual Direction Services

It’s very easy, amid the hustle and bustle of life, to allow Lent to sneak up on us. As a result, we may find ourselves receiving ashes without any clear idea how to participate in the grace that is Lent. Like many, we may simply default to what we did last year perhaps giving up sweets or adding prayer or even volunteering in some corporal work of mercy. While these are certainly good, in themselves and without the proper spiritual disposition, they can lead to simply fulfilling our obligations and nothing more. Lent, like all things important, needs a plan; a specific strategy with one goal in mind, to enter more fully into Christ’s passion so that, on Easter, we may enter more fully into His resurrection.

Prior to the Second Vatican Council, the Church specifically set aside a liturgical time to prepare for Lent. Lasting from what was called Septuagesima Sunday to Shrove Tuesday, this three-week period just prior to Lent reminded the faithful that the Lenten season was right around the corner and to get ready. The old English word Shrove means “to hear” as in hearing confessions. Thus, among other things, it was the practice to enter Lent in a state of grace and not wait until Holy Week. This medieval practice should give us a hint as to the first step in any Lenten plan. By entering Lent in a state of grace, we are better able to practice Lent with the spiritual vigor necessary to embrace our Lord’s passion.

Beyond making a good confession, and following the prescribed Lenten days of fast and abstinence, it is customary for Catholics to engage in additional penitential practices for the whole of Lent. Though they can fall into three general categories (prayer, fasting and almsgiving); these additional practices, while strongly encouraged, are not regulated by the Church. I typically advise my spiritual directees, as we devise their Lenten plan, to consider a practice counter to one of their biggest spiritual challenges. If, for example, custody of the tongue (gossip) is an issue, we can develop a plan around this vice with corresponding virtues that may include more prayer, fasting and corporal works of mercy. This approach, which can continue in some form beyond Lent, enables them to address specific attitudes and behaviors that impede greater intimate communion with Jesus Christ.

There are three guiding principles that can make a Lenten plan successful. First, it needs to be clearly focused on one major spiritual challenge. To be sure, we all struggle with many challenges, but if we try to address all or even some of them together, we can become easily overwhelmed. Second, the penitential practice should be reasonable and measured. This is where a confessor, spiritual director or even confidant can be helpful. Third, make some provision for failure. Circumstances may change or we may become weak and, as a result, fail to fulfill some of our plan. The danger here is an abandonment of the plan all together. This is why I suggest building into the plan a way to “bounce-back.”

Just as the cross is essential to the resurrection, so a good Lent is essential to a good Easter. Taking some time to plan provides the opportunity to pick up our cross and more closely follow Jesus who, in the midst of our Lent, draws so close to us that he can embrace us.

For spiritual direction, contact us at 740-266-6461 or visit us at https://www.catholiccounselors.com/spiritual-direction/

More2Life Hack: 3 Tips for Authentic Forgiveness

Posted on August 17, 2016 by GREG

Today on More2Life, we explored what authentic forgives does (and doesn’t) require. Here are three tips to help you make forgiving others less complicated.

1. There is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

St. Augustine said that we’ve forgiven someone when we’ve surrendered our natural desire for revenge. Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending it never happened or letting the person go scot free. It means surrendering your desire to hurt the other person or have them hurt for having hurt you.

Reconciliation, on the other hand, (again, according to Augustine) is the “tranquility that results from right order.” In other words, in order to reconcile with someone, they have to be willing to work with you to heal the wounds, right the wrongs, or solve the problems caused by their actions. Because not everyone is willing to do that, it is possible to forgive someone but still not be reconciled to them.

2. There are 3 Parts to an effective apology

If a person is truly sorry (as opposed to just going through the motions) their apology will reflect the fact that they feel how much they hurt you, own the responsibility for what they’ve done (instead of blaming you or making excuses), and want to make restitution. If you are struggling to forgive someone, there is a good chance one of these three ingredients is missing. Full reconciliation will require you to insist that the missing elements be addressed.

3. Reconciliation requires you to be able to trust they won’t do it again.

To completely reconcile with someone, you need to be able to trust that–barring some genuinely unusual circumstances–they won’t commit the same offense again. Research shows that a trustworthy person has proven that they have 4 qualities. The ability to do what they say they are going to do. The integrity that either enables them to avoid giving offense in the first place and/or easily and quickly accept correction when they commit an offense in spite of themselves. The benevolence that shows that they are committed to working for your good even when it is inconvenient for them to do so. And the consistency that proves to you that they can be counted on to demonstrate these qualities across many different areas of your life and relationship. Someone who does not display these qualities cannot be trusted to be safe and so you cannot completely reconcile with them until they have developed their skills in these areas.

In short, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. But reconciliation is a project that requires the active cooperation of the wound-er and the wounded. Knowing the difference can make all the difference.

For more tips on achieving authentic forgiveness and reconciliation, check out God Help Me, These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace with Difficult People or tune in to More2Life radio each weekday at 10am E/9am C on a Catholic radio station near you or SiriusXM Channel 130.

Hard to Say, “I’m Sorry” 3 Keys to an Effective Apology

Posted on March 17, 2016 by GREG

Shutterstock

Saying “sorry” and meaning it is about repairing relationship, not making ourselves feel better. Check out my latest column for Our Sunday Visitor

Lent is a time of reparation — a season of sorrow for sins committed and expressions of a sincere desire to reform our lives. But what does it mean to be sorry? What are the components of real remorse?

Whether we are expressing sorrow to God, a spouse, family member or friend, it can be hard to say, “I’m sorry.” It can be even harder to say it well. Sometimes, when people say that they are sorry to us, we can feel like there is something missing. Often, it’s because there is. But what? As we express our sorrow to God this Lent for the ways that our lives do not reflect his plan for us, it can be important to make sure our “I’m sorry’s” have all the components of sincere remorse. Researchers note that good apologies involve three ingredients: empathy, restitution and objective criteria.

Apologies missing any one of these component often feel lacking, or incomplete and that nagging feeling can make it hard to experience real reconciliation. Here’s why these three components are such an important part of a complete apology. (Continue Reading).

When “I’m Sorry” Isn’t Enough. 3 Keys to Healing Your Hurting Heart

Posted on June 30, 2015 by GREG

Image via shutterstock. Used with permission

We’ve all had times when it was hard to forgive someone for having hurt us or when our attempts to gain someone else’s forgiveness have fallen flat.

Heart Health

Sometimes, “I’m sorry” isn’t enough because owe have an unforgiving heart. We want to hold on to the pain because it makes us feel self-righteous and superior to the person who hurt us and it gives us a weapon to use against the offender. “Oh, yeah? NOW you want to be nice to me? HA! Well, we’ll see about that!”

But what about those times when our hearts really do want to forgive but, despite our best and most sincere efforts to let go of the pain, we continue to be haunted by the hurt? Should we feel guilty for somehow “refusing” to forgive? Or could something else be going on?

The Divine Longing for Justice

As I argue in Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart, sometimes our inability to let go of the anger and hurt that follows an offense isn’t a lack of forgiveness, but a sign of our Divine Longing for Justice. Our divine longing for justice was hard-wired into us at the beginning of creation. It is one of the seven longings that points us to God and, after the Fall, continues to nag at us from deep within so that we can restore the order that we destroyed by sin.

The Divine Longing for Justice helps us attend to the healing of wounds and offenses that we, in our weakness, might just prefer to ignore, but that the Holy Spirit wants us to address so that godly order might be restored and authentic healing can take place.

Satisfying The Divine Longing for Justice

When “I’m sorry” isn’t enough, despite our best efforts to let go of our hurt, it is usually because one of the three components of an effective apology–of true remorse–is absent. Researchers tell us that there are three keys to an effective apology. We don’t need all three components every time someone offends us, but the more serious the offense, the more we will probably need all three keys to unlock the door to total reconciliation and healing.

3 Keys to Healing the Hurting Heart

The three keys are; empathy, objective remorse, restitution.

Empathy–refers to the offender’s willingness to demonstrate that they truly understand how deeply they have hurt us. An apology consisting of ” “Fine, I’m sorry, are you happy now?” isn’t an apology at all. When someone hurts you, not only do you deserve to hear, “I can’t believe I did that to you. I am so sorry for having hurt you like that.” but unless the offender can make such an expression of empathy, you can be sure that they really don’t understand the seriousness of what they did, which means it will probably happen again. In these situations, your Divine Longing for Justice will continue to nag you as a way of saying, “The situation isn’t safe. Don’t let down your guard yet!”

Objective Remorse–refers to the offender’s understanding that you had an objective right to expect more from them. That is, you aren’t hurt because “you can’t take a joke,” or because “you are so sensitive,” or because “you are so demanding.” Rather, you are hurt because you had a right to expect more from the person, that anyone would have expected more from them, and they let you down. “I am so sorry. A husband should never treat a wife the way I treated you. You are absolutely right and I promise I won’t do it again.” Without objective remorse, your Divine Longing for Justice won’t allow you to let go of your fear and pain because it recognized that the person isn’t truly sorry, but rather is blaming you for the audacity of actually expecting them to behave appropriately!

Restitution–is the offender’s willingness to make things right. Sometimes restitution is material in that they will repair or replace they thing they broke or took from you. More often, restitution requires a willingness to sit down with you and outline their plan for handling similar situations differently in the future. Other times it will require them to admit that they don’t have what it takes to promise they won’t do it again, and agree to get the help they need–professionally or otherwise–to learn the skills that are lacking. Either way, without some plan of restitution, your Divine Longing for Justice will not allow you to let go of the pain, because the wound is still raw and without restitution, it could become infected and lead to bitterness and deeper resentment over time.

Letting Go

The desire to let go of our pain after an offense and move on is noble and godly, but when the pain lingers despite our best efforts to forgive, we need to pause and ask God, “What are you telling me still needs to occur for true reconciliation to take place?” and look at which of the 3 keys to reconciliation is missing. God doesn’t want to heal us by half measures. He desires true, authentic, and total healing for both us and our relationships and he gives us the Divine Longing for Justice to see that this healing and wholeness and take place.

If you need more help finding reconciliation after an offense, check out Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart, or contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to learn more about how our Catholic telecounseling practice can help you find true healing after the hurt.