Unsupported? Simple Tips to Get The Help You Need

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Feeling overwhelmed is something that we all experience all too often. Our “to-do” lists are seemly endless between work, home life, family life, relationships, and every other commitment or obligation we may have. Because of this, it becomes very easy for us to fall into the mindset of “I have to get everything done!” and we feel like “everything is up to us” which hinders us from getting the help we need.

Furthermore, sometimes, we struggle to open up to the help that’s available because “it’s just easier to do it by ourselves.”  And other times, we know we need help, but we’re not sure how to ask for it, or if it’s even worth it. However, Theology of the Body reminds us that we’re never alone. We were created for communion. By helping each other and opening up to the help that others are able to offer, we grow together and support each other in becoming everything we were meant to be. We should never hesitate to ask for help or, for that matter, offer help when given the chance. Mutual service is the heart of creating a community of love.

Here are three More2Life Hacks for getting the help you need:

Recognize You Need Help–Sometimes it’s hard to know that we need help. We get so caught up in “just getting through this” that we don’t notice that we’re getting further and further in over our heads. If you are starting to feel harried or resentful, those are your emotions’ way of telling you it’s time to ask for help. Whether you are struggling with keeping up with the house work or having a hard time working through a marriage or family problem, resist the temptation to just keep pushing through. Instead, ask yourself, “what kind of support would help me get through this situation more gracefully?” Even if it’s difficult to arrange for that kind of help right now, identifying the help or support that you need allows you to start looking for ways to get more of that kind of support in the future.

No One Is A Mind-Reader!–Often we don’t ask for help because we assume it’s so obvious that we need it that if other people aren’t offering, they must either be too busy or just uninterested in helping us. People can’t read minds! If you need help, you need to ask for it! Remember, Theology of the Body reminds us that there are two ways to be generous; by helping people, and by allowing people to use their gifts to help us. Don’t you feel good when you can make a difference in someone else’s life? Well, give someone the gift of feeling good about making a difference in yours. No, that doesn’t justify being a “user” but it does remind us that we’re not meant to struggle alone. You have a right to ask for–and expect to get– the help you need.

Keep At It–Sometimes it can be hard to get the support we need even when we ask for it.  Sometimes that help isn’t readily available. Other times, people are reluctant to help. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that means you’re doomed to keep feeling like it’s all up to you. Instead, bring the situation to God, and ask him for the strength to keep seeking the help you need to overcome the particular challenge you are facing. God did not mean for us to struggle alone. He wants you to get the help you need to thrive. Don’t stop looking for ways to either find the right help or hold accountable the people who are meant to help you. Remember the parable of the Widow and the Unjust Judge. The widow only got the judge to help her because she persisted to the point of driving him mad. If we need help, have the courage to persevere in asking for it until you get it.

For more insight into getting the help you’ve been looking for, check out God Help Me These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, tune into More2Life Monday-Friday 10am E/9am C on SiriusXM 139, or check out our tele-counseling services at CatholicCounselors.com

Are Cola Wars Killing YOUR Marriage?

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We all have our preferred brands: Our favorite kind of soda, our favorite brand of ice cream, or even our favorite type of laundry detergent. But did you know that our personal brand preferences can have a serious effect on our relationships and even cause divorce? It’s not as silly as it sounds.

A new study conducted at Duke University reveals that “preferring different brands can affect our happiness in relationships more than shared interests or personality traits.” Researchers discovered that the more powerful or influential partner in the relationship usually determines what brands the couple uses, however this can have a negative effect on the happiness of the lower power, or less influential, partner. Power, in this case, is indicated by an individual’s ability to shape or influence their partners’ behavior. Because of this, the less powerful partner usually loses out on buying his or her preferred brand, which could cause increased levels of unhappiness long term.

In other words, when one partner is consistently choosing their preferred brands without considering your preferences it can lead you to feel uncared for and undervalued.  Plus, since these are such little things, no one wants to make a big fuss about it, so the petty resentments can pile up into one big mountain of, “You ALWAYS get EVERYTHING you want! When do I get MY turn?”

Take heart, however, because knowledge is power. With this information about brand influence, we have options for how to negotiate this potential problem. First, we can talk to our partner and learn to compromise. For example, one week we will buy Diet Coke and the next week we will buy Diet Pepsi. Second, we can adopt new preferred brands. For example, instead of buying either of the originally preferred brands of cereal, we can go to the store with our partner and find a cereal we both enjoy. The point is, the devil really is in the details.  Even though any one of these micro-conflicts is no big deal, a little thoughtfulness, over the long haul, goes a long way. Taking small steps like these can have a big impact on the overall health, well-being, and happiness of our relationships.

For more tips on how to have a happy and healthy relationship, check out When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love or contact us at Pastoral Solutions Institute on the phone (740.266.6461) or online at CatholicCounselors.com

Can We Decrease Anxiety by Changing the Tone of Our Inner Voice?

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We all have an inner voice. I’m not necessarily referring to the “Jiminy Cricket, conscience” type of inner voice, but rather, an inner sense that helps us identify emotions, opinions, make decisions, and so on.

Because we have this constant inner voice, however, it is easy for us to get caught up in our personal monologue which could cause unnecessary anxiety.

A new study by Dr. Mark Seery, an associate professor in the University of Buffalo’s Department of Psychology, found that switching from first to the third person as the framework for our self-talk “can help us see ourselves through someone else’s eyes and can lead to improved confidence and performance.”

For instance, if your name was “Pat” and you were to use the technique to help decrease your anxiety about an upcoming job interview, you might write, “Pat feels nervous about his upcoming job interview.”  It may seem silly, but this study found that writing or speaking about feelings in the third person actually activates the para-sympatheric (or “calm down”) nervous system in powerful ways that puts the breaks on the physical experience of fear, worry, and anxiety. Most significantly, people who used this technique had much greater control over their heart rate in anxiety situations than people who simply spoke of their feelings in the first person.

This type of third person self-talk is referred to as “self distancing,” or taking a “distance perspective.” Dr. Seery states that “Being a fly on the wall might be the way to put our best foot forward.” By inserting our name where we would usually simply say “I” allows us to gain a new perspective and “see ourselves as an outside observer.” As Dr. Seery found, this seemingly minute change can make a big impact on decreasing anxiety and gaining a healthier, more balanced perspective on both the big and small issues that we encounter in our lives.

For more tips on decreasing anxiety, check out my book God Help Me! This Stress Is Driving Me Crazy! and tune in to More2Life, weekdays at 10am E/9am C on EWTN Global Catholic Radio Network!

Stop Dreading Disagreements

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A lot of us dislike conflict, and because of this, we dread even the concept of facing disagreements. Often, however, disagreements are unavoidable, and sometimes even necessary. There’s good news, though! If we take a caring and loving approach to disagreements, we will have healthier, more productive conversations and less to fear about conflict!

Theology of the Body reminds us of the importance of mutual self-donation, the idea that a healthy relationship is characterized by the commitment to work for each OTHER’s good.  That applies to arguments as well.  The opposite of angry isn’t “calm.” It’s “care.”  The commitment to being mutually self-donative challenges us to actually care about the needs and POV of the person we’re arguing with.  Doing this doesn’t mean we have to surrender our own perspective or give up getting our own needs met.   It just means that we should be equally concerned about meeting their needs as we are getting our own needs met. Doing this in arguments allows two people to encourage each other through the tension and find solutions that are actually satisfying.

Here are a few tips on cultivating care in conflict:

1. Make Breaks Count–When you “take a break” in an argument, don’t just step away and distract yourself by not thinking about the disagreement.  That just sets you up to pick up the fight where you left off the next time you start addressing the issue.  Taking a break is an opportunity to think differently about the disagreement; to take some time to see the other person in a more sympathetic light so you can come back to the topic with a more caring heart.  When you take a break from a disagreement, spend some time in prayer reflecting on questions like, “What needs does the other person have that they are afraid I’m not willing to meet?”  “Why might the other person think I’m not interested in them or their concerns?”  and “How can I show them that they are important to me–even though we’re disagreeing?”  Taking some time to ask questions like this helps you make breaks from conflict count and allows you to go back to the person, confident that you can approach each other again in a more compassionate and productive wa

2. Look For the Positive Intention–If you’re struggling to feel sympathy for a person you’re disagreeing with, make sure to look for the need or the positive intention behind their words or actions.  Doing this doesn’t excuse any bad behavior.  Rather, it gives you a way to address it respectfully.  For instance, you might say something like, “When you do THIS or say THAT, can you help me understand what you’re trying to do?”  Then, when the other person explains their intention, you can brainstorm together about ways to meet that intention more respectfully and efficiently in the future.  Looking for the positive intention behind offensive words and actions gives you a way to be sympathetic without being a doormat.  It lets you work for change, respectfully.

3. Give It To God–When you’re disagreeing with someone, don’t forget to pray for them.  Not, “God, please make them see that I’m right and they’re wrong!”  But rather, “God, help me know how to express my concerns in a way they will hear and to really hear what THEY are saying so that we can both get our needs met and draw closer because of this disagreement we’re having.”   Giving your disagreement to God doesn’t mean giving up your needs or, for that matter, trusting that God will sort it out while you ignore the elephant in the room.  It means asking God to guide you in the steps of having more compassionate conflict, where the tension between you and the person you care about can lead to even greater closeness. Don’t try to pray away your needs or your feelings.  Instead, ask God to help you find ways to meet those needs and express those feelings in a manner that reflects God’s grace, honors your concerns, and respects the dignity of the other person as well. Let God show you how to master conflict instead of just avoiding it.

For more information on how to effectively handle conflict, check out When Divorce Is Not An Option and tune in to More2Life Monday-Friday, 10am E/9am C on EWTN Global Catholic Radio, SiriusXM 139.

When Your Emotions Get Derailed: Here’s How YOU Can Get Back On Track

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18447716_1326200774095096_1823817419_nYou overslept through your alarm, you’re late for work, and—on top of that—your kids are sick… With all of this going on its easy to feel overwhelmed and out of control, which only adds to the stress of daily life, instead of helping to solve the problem. So how do we get back on track when our emotions get derailed?

Theology Of The Body reminds us that God made our bodies to work for our good and the good of others–that includes our feelings which are a function of our bodies. If our emotions are making it difficult for us to function at our best or treat others well, the answer is not to blame others for the feelings our bodies are making, but rather to learn to take responsibility for our bodies and our emotions. Taking responsibility for our emotions doesn’t mean shutting them down or shutting them off, but rather making sure that we express them in ways that help us meet our needs efficiently and make our relationships with others stronger and healthier.

Here are three More2Life hacks for getting your emotions back on track.

1. Reclaim your Power–When feelings throw us off track, we can feel powerless over our emotions.  The good news is that both psychology and theology agree, no one is in a better position than we are to manage our emotions effectively.  The trick is to not see it as a choice between venting your feelings or stuffing your feelings.  Instead, let the goal be expressing your feelings in a way that serves you well.  Before acting on overwhelming emotions, try to remind yourself of times when you handled high pressure situations well.  Ask yourself how you could use those same strategies in THIS situation.  Remembering past successes helps you connect with the fact that–despite how it feels right now–your emotions are not the most powerful force in your life.  GRACE is.  Bring these feelings to God and ask him how to express them in a way that solves the problem AND respects both you and the people around you.

2. Remember the True Opposite of Anger–The opposite of anger is not calm. It is empathy.  If you are being derailed by anger, frustration or irritation with someone, don’t focus on calming down so much as focusing on trying to see things through their eyes.  The point of empathizing with the person you are frustrated with is NOT excusing any offense or explaining away a problem.  The point is trying to get yourself to the place where you can stop seeing the other person as an obstacle to your progress and, instead, inviting them to be a partner in helping you make progress.  Research shows that problem solving works better when the problem-solvers feel like a team.  Acknowledging your anger doesn’t mean you can’t empathize with others as well.  It just means being able to keep your needs and theirs in mind at the same time.

3. Return to the Scene of the Accident–Often, when we lose our cool, we allow our guilt and shame to cause us to refuse to return to the topic. We MIGHT apologize, but beyond that, we may feel like we have surrendered our right to address the problem that provoked our reaction in the first place.  Nothing could be further to the truth.  By all means, if you need to apologize for something you said or did, be sure to do so, but don’t forget to circle back and address the problem that caused the train to jump the tracks in the first place.  For instance you could say, “I’m really sorry that I lost my temper.  You didn’t deserve to have me speak to you that way.  I would like it if we could make some time to talk about X, however, because as long as that’s an issue, there’s a chance we’re going to end up going through this again.” Returning to the scene of the accident allows you to learn from the past and avoid repeating it.

For more information on how to keep your emotions on track, check out Broken Gods! And tune in to More2Life on EWTN Global Catholic Radio, SiriusXM 139—Monday-Friday 10am E/9am C!

Taking Relationships from Stressed to Supportive

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18035056_1301826716532502_1564248780_nRelationships are meant to be sources of support and love, yet sometimes in the craziness of life, some relationships end up causing more stress or become “one more thing we have to attend to.” This feeling may be a sign that it’s time examine and possibly readjust the way we approach these relationships.

Theology of the Body tells us that God created us for relationships; that building the kingdom of God really means creating a life-giving “community of love” with the people who share our life.  It is ultimately the strength of our relationships with one another that bear witness to the glory of God and call others into communion with him.  As St Paul puts it, “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am a noisy gong….”  Unfortunately, as much as our relationships are supposed to be a source of grace, strength, and support, in our fallen world,  they can often be sources of stress, frustration and conflict. The challenge is not to run from these struggles, but to cooperate with God’s grace to respond in love and responsibility to work through these difficulties and create communion in spite of the things that tend to divide us.

Here are three More2Life hacks on how to take your relationships from a source of stress to a source of support:

1. Pull the Relationship Weeds–Healthy relationships allow you to be real and not hide important parts of yourself. Relationships are often a source of stress because we feel like we have to hide important aspects of who we are for the sake of “keeping peace.” That’s backwards. Relationships aren’t an end in themselves, TOB reminds us that God intends for our relationships to serve the mutual good of the people in those relationships–to help each person in those relationships be more of what God created them to be, not less. To build the kingdom of God in your relationships, be who you are. The people God wants you to create communion with will stick around, support you, and ask for your support. The people that can’t handle the “you” God created you to be will drift away.  Let them go. Pulling the weeds in your relationship garden will allow all your relationships to flourish and bear more fruit as you spend time with the people who are really capable of building you up!

2. Speak Up Sooner Rather Than Later–When people act in ways we find hurtful or offensive, we often let it go, telling ourselves it isn’t worth the trouble to address these issues and create potential conflict. While there is something to be said for choosing our battles, if you find that an offense continues to gnaw at you, speaking up sooner rather than later is always best. In the words of Pope St Gregory the Great, “Thoughts seethe all the more when corralled by the violent guard of an indiscreet silence.” The best way to address an offense? Don’t assume they intended to offend you and instead ask a clarifying question. Something simple like, “Hey, when you did thus-and-such, I wasn’t sure what to make of that (or it kind of hurt) what did you mean by that?” Once the other person explains their intention, you can either decide that it was all just a misunderstanding and let it go, or suggest other, more palatable ways the other person can express themselves in the future. Anyone who is interested in a healthy relationship will not be put off by this at all and, in fact, will be grateful for the opportunity to enjoy smoother sailing in the future!

3. Good Fences…Good Neighbors–Each person we know is good at offering a different kind of support. The key to less stressful relationships is not trying to make a person give you a kind of support they just aren’t capable of.  Some people are great at being kindred spirits.  Others are good sources of support or companionship around particular topics or areas of interest.  Others still, are fine to hang out with occasionally, but aren’t really capable of offering anything more personal support.  Enjoy each relationship for what it is, not for what you think it should be.  Base the level of trust and intimacy you expect from a relationship on a person’s behavior, not their title or role in our lives.  Sure, we “should” be able to be closer to, and have greater trust in, a parent or sibling or than a friend or a cousin, but in reality people are only capable of giving what they can. Having good relationship fences means knowing what each person in your life is capable of giving–and receiving–from you, and refusing to try to force more than this from them.  Focus on enjoying the ways each person can be there for you and you’ll feel less frustrated by the ways they aren’t.

For more information on how to cultivate strong, healthy, and supportive relationships, check out God Help Me! These People are Driving Me Nuts! and make sure to tune in to More2Life, weekdays at 10am E/9am C on EWTN Global Catholic Radio/Sirius XM 139.

Worried No More: 6 Graceful Ways to Beat Stress, Worry, and Anxiety

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Check out how these 3 Do’s and 3 Don’ts can set YOU free from stress, worry, and anxiety!

Problems are part of life, but stress, worry, and anxiety don’t have to be.  As I note in my book, God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy! Finding Balance Through God’s Grace, as early as the mid 300’s AD St. Augustine observed that the press of troubles, the ups and downs of daily life, was different than oppression, which is what happens when we allow these troubles to separate us from God’s grace.

Modern psychologists use different language, but have come to the same conclusion. It isn’t what happens to us, but how we process it that determines the degree to which we are consumed by stress, worry, and anxiety in the face of life’s troubles. So, how can you process stress in a way that leads to resilience (i.e., a person’s stress-busting ability) instead of angst?  Here are 6 graceful techniques you can use to overcome the stress, worry, and anxiety in your life.

6 Graceful Tips for Beating Stress, Worry & Anxiety

1.  Pray- Research consistently shows that people who pray manage stress better than people who don’t.  The grace one receives from prayer manifests itself in many ways that can’t be seen, but many way that can.  It improves mental and physical health outcomes, makes you more resistant to disease, increases your hope and facilitates coping.  When stressed, prayer should be mission #1.

2.  Reflect- If prayer works, reflective prayer works best.  Specifically, call to mind past times when you have been stressed and remind yourself how God has delivered you from those trials.  Reflect on God’s goodness and mercy.  Remind yourself of all the times you have felt God’s love in your life. Remember that scripture reminds us that God is not just faithful for a time.  He is faithful always.  If he has been faithful before, he will be faithful today. You can count on it.

3.  Be Grateful–It can be hard to be grateful when you are feeling stressed, but reach down deep and praise God for his blessings anyway.  This is what St Paul refers to as a “sacrifice of praise” (Heb 13:15), the hard fought, willful effort it takes to remember God’s blessings even when we don’t want to. Although we offer this sacrifice of praise to God, we are the greater beneficiaries. Intentionally calling to mind all the reasons we have to be grateful to God despite the problems we are currently facing helps to give us perspective and reminds us that our problems are transient.  Yes, they are here today, but with God’s grace, they will be gone tomorrow, just like the problems of yesterday.

4.  Don’t Internalize–People who manage stress better remind themselves that it is not their fault that bad things happen.  Yes, it is their responsibility to handle those problems, but it is not their fault that problems occurred in the first place.  Problems occur because sin exists and the world is broken. Saying that I can learn from my mistakes and take responsibility for fixing problems is different from sitting around and saying that I am to blame for my problems.  Blaming yourself wastes the precious energy you need to recover and rebuild. Don’t internalize problems.  Stuff happens.  Move on.

5.  Don’t Globalize–People who manage stress better also remind themselves that their problems don’t define them.  Yes, they have a problem in this one area of their life but that is different than saying “My LIFE is ONE BIG PROBLEM.”  The latter attitude is called “globalizing.”  It involves taking a problem I have in one small–or relatively small–area of my life and letting it consume everything and define who I am.

6.  Don’t Sign for the Damage–Just because you’ve been through stressful or traumatic events doesn’t mean you are–or must remain–damaged goods.  In the words of Columbia University psychologist, Dr. George Bonanno, “exposure to potentially traumatic events does not predict later functioning. It’s only predictive if there’s a negative response.”  In other words, the fact that bad things happen to us does not have to cripple us moving forward if we refuse to allow ourselves to be defined by them.  What can we be defined by?  Our strength in the face of trauma.  Our courage in the face of trail.  Our resourcefulness in the face of set-backs.  And, of course, God’s faithfulness and love in the face of the darkness we experience

More Than Conquerors

There is not question that our days are filled with troubles and we are constantly beset by temptations to give in to stress, worry and anxiety but we can rejoice in the fact that we do not have to be victims of the problems we face.  If we learn to respond to our struggles with resilience, we can, with God’s grace, be “more than conquerors” (Rom 8:37).  We can become better, stronger, more faithful and effective people no in spite of the struggles we have been through, but because of them.

To discover even more stress-busting resources, check out God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy! Finding Balance Through God’s Grace or contact The Pastoral Solutions Institute’s Catholic Tele-counseling Service to learn more about how you can work with a faithful, professional, Catholic counselor who can empower you to lead a more peaceful and abundant life.

 

What’s the #1 Thing Stressed Out Kids Need to Feel Better? (Infographic)

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H/T Stress Better

Take a look at this revealing infographic based on a survey of almost 1000, 9-13 year-olds about both what stresses them out and what they do to de-stress.  I’ll have a few comments below.

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To highlight a few points, I thought it was striking that only 22% of kids talk to their parents about their stress but 75% would like to be able to rely on their parents more to help them cope.  In my experience, we parents are too tempted to think “the kids are alright.”  We too readily accept answers like, “I’m ok.”  “It’s fine” and “I don’t know” from our kids.  We don’t expect them to learn how to express themselves so we don’t take the time to teach them to express themselves and work through their stress.  Kids are capable of articulating their feelings and working with you to develop good problem solving skills, but they need to be coached to do it.

If you would like to learn more effective strategies for helping your kids cope with the stressors in their lives, check out Parenting with Grace:  The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids and God Help Me, This STRESS is Driving Me Crazy:  Finding Balance Through God’s Grace, or contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (at www.CatholicCounselors.com or 740-266-6461) to learn more about our tele-counseling practice.

Effective Coping for Emotional Distress

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Earlier today I offered some reflections on what people-of-faith need to know about depression.  I promised that I’d offer some additional thoughts on effective coping for emotional distress.shutterstock_203291770

Effective coping strategies enable a person to gather their psychological, emotional, spiritual, and relational resources so that they can respond to the problems they are facing.  By contrast, ineffective coping strategies simply allow a person to escape, withdraw, or numb themselves for a time, but when the “break” is over the person using these strategies finds him or herself no better positioned to address the problem-at-hand.  Examples of common, but largely useless and ineffective “coping strategies” include things like isolating, watching TV, drinking/drugging, withdrawing from spiritual support, excessive sleeping or eating, blaming, and other behaviors that attempt to give you distance from the problem but don’t give you any new directions, resources, insights or supports.

Here are some examples of effective coping strategies for dealing with emotional difficulties…

 -Drawing Closer to Others:   It is not good for man to be alone (Gen 2:18).  In times of trial, drawing closer to the people who share our life, asking for help, going out with friends (even when we don’t feel like it–especially then) is critically important.  Satan is a “roaring lion” (1 Ptr 5:8) waiting to devour you.  Be like the smart antelope.   When you are dealing with emotional distress, don’t let yourself get separated from the herd.  Instead, ask yourself, “When I feel better, what do I usually do/enjoy doing with others?”  Then do those things whether or not you feel like it right now.  I know you don’t want to be a burden, but talk about your struggles with others.  Give people the gift of letting them use their gifts to bless you.  In the long term, you’ll be glad you did.

-Draw Closer to God:  Ask yourself, “When I feel good, how do I pray? How do I experience God the most?”   Cling to those things now.  No, you may not get the same thing out of it you do when you’re in a better place, but his grace will still flow freely and you will begin gathering important spiritual resources.    People who actively engage in personally meaningful spiritual practices are more resilient than those who do not have or take advantage of spiritual supports.

-Participate in Healing Rituals:  People who are depressed or anxious or dealing with other emotional problems should definitely take advantage of Anointing of the Sick.  It is an important healing sacrament. Confession can also be helpful for banishing both obstacles to grace and the guilt that separates you from God’s love.  Don’t hesitate to ask your pastor to bless you or to ask others to pray over you and for you.  Sacraments have the power to effect the healing the signify, but all spiritual rituals have real power to propel healing.

-Make Meaning:  Research shows that “meaning making” or asking what value you can draw from a difficult time in life is a very powerful coping strategy.  One of the most depressing aspects of emotional distress is the apparent meaningless of it all.  In my book, The Life God Wants You to Have, I discuss many ways we can make meaning out of pain.  When we ask questions like, “How can I respond to this in a way that will make me a better person, glorify God, or, for that matter, make Satan sorry that he ever decided to pick on me?”  we begin to see the significance hidden with the moment.  We discover how to use everything life throws at us as an opportunity for growth.

-Recall Your Past Victories Over Struggle:  Write out a brief description of the last half-dozen or so times you thought you were doomed but things ended up working out somehow.  Focus on how, specifically, God delivered you from these trials.  Is there a pattern?  Do you see that pattern at work now?  How did you respond to those struggles when they were at their worst?  Was all the drama worth it?  Are you creating the same drama now?  Is the drama any more worthwhile this time?

-Gratitude Journaling:  Superficially, this sounds trite, but a large body of research supports the assertion that the simple act of writing down 3-5 things you are sincerely grateful for every day can increase your baseline experience of happiness by about 25%.  One’s happiness set point is very difficult to change.  The fact that this exercise can have this powerful an impact on one’s basic experience of happiness is near miraculous and it should not be overlooked by anyone looking for better ways to cope with emotional distress.

-Exercise:  A very large body of research shows the effectiveness of exercise as a coping strategy.  Exercise changes your body and brain chemistry.  It helps wake you up, focus your mind, engage your creativity, and tolerate pain (both physical and emotional) more effectively.

-Seeking Professional Help:  As I shared earlier, psychotherapy is a very effective means of learning new coping strategies.  Psychotherapy can be best thought of as physical therapy for the brain.  It has been shown to change brain chemistry and function and strengthen under-performing parts of the brain.    By beefing up brain function through cognitive and behavioral exercises as well as therapeutic conversations that support clients in thinking about old problems in new ways, clients learn to handle stress more effectively.

This is by no means meant to be an exhaustive list of coping strategies, but its a great start.  Do you have other ideas?  Share them in the comments box!  And if you would like to learn more about how the Pastoral Solutions Institute’s Catholic Tele-counseling practice can help you experience a more abundant marriage, family and personal life, visit us online or call 740-266-6461 to make an appointment.

 

What Can the Theology of the Body Teach Us about Managing Stress?

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“I’m so busy!”  “There isn’t enough time!”  Seemingly universal laments.  Life is filled with opportunities to be stressed and to become even more stressed all the time.

In short bursts (of a few minutes or so) stress can be useful.  Stress, when it functions according to its purpose, calls our mind and body to be attentive and responsive to the challenges in front of us.  Ideally, stress ramps us up so that we can make a plan to handle those situations and then the stress should go away.   We are not meant to live in a perpetual state of stress (which might come as a surprise to most people).  Once stress motivates us to make a plan, it should decrease.

All Stressed Up and Nowhere to Go…

The problem is that, in the face of stress,  we often don’t actually stop to make a plan.  We become hyper-focused on the stressful event and live in a state of reaction rather than receptivity.    Looking at stress through the lens of the Theology of the Body,  we see that stress stops us from being receptive to God and to others.  The Theology of the Body reminds us that a healthy life (i.e., a life dedicated to seeking connection with God and others and open to his unfolding plan) is a receptive life; that is, a life in which we are open to the movement of the Holy Spirit in the moment and responsive to both the needs of others and the love they have to share with us.

This is Your Brain on Stress…

Brain research shows that, under prolonged stress, the mind becomes rigid, closed, rejecting, and task/thing-focused.  When I allow myself to remain in a state of prolonged stress, I become stuck in old patterns and closed to new possibilities.  I reject help and new ideas as useless before I have really taken the time to consider them.  Further, I focus all my energy either on simply pushing through the problem or looking for things that will make me feel better in the short term without considering the bigger picture.    This stressed-out posture is the antithesis of a receptive mind and spirit which–again, according to brain research–is always curious, open, accepting, and loving (COAL).  Curiosity allows us to seek new solutions, to be open to asking the questions that enable us to hear the Holy Spirit speaking to us in the moment.  Openness allows us to consider possibilities we hadn’t entertained before.  Acceptance refers to the willingness to suspend our judgment of new options and possibilities before we have gathered all the information we need to chart a healthy course of action.  Loving refers to our willingness to put the well-being of people (ourselves included) before the accomplishment of tasks or the acquisition of things.

 

Stress:  The Antidote

Again, from both the perspective of the Theology of the Body and brain science, the antidote to stress is connection.  The Theology of the Body reminds us of Genesis’ assertion that, “it is not good for man to be alone.”  Brain science bears this out.  When the mind becomes dis-regulated by stress (i.e., our emotions override our intellect instead of the intellect and emotions working in partnership) the quality of our connection to God and others tends to determine the degree of resilience (“bounce-back-ability”) we will display.   Taking time to maintain a strong connection with God and the people we love and who love us even when we’re under stress helps the mind see our problems through others eyes, reminds us that help is readily available, and calls our attention to the most important things.  Likewise, intimate connection with God and others fills our body with “calm-down chemicals” like oxytocin that help us to be at peace in the presence of stress.

Taking “Time In”

So-called, “time-in” practices, such as meditative prayer (e.g., rosary, adoration, etc.), rituals of connection (e.g., regularly scheduled and anticipated times to play, talk, work, and play with loved ones), self-care (e.g., good nutrition and physical activity), and leisure (e.g., hobbies and creative endeavors) have all been shown by brain research to help a person develop a more receptive mindset in the presence of stressful events.  These practices highlight the power of the Theology of the Body’s insights that we were both created and destined for intimate connection with God and others and that the more we pursue these connections, the more we “become what we are.”  That is, persons who function best when we are both working to create communities of love and pursuing intimate connection with the God who created us, sustains us, and leads us on the path to wholeness.

For more strategies for dealing gracefully with the stress in your life, check out God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy!   Finding Balance Through God’s Grace.   or contact me at the Pastoral Solutions Institute to discover how you can work with a faithful, Catholic counselor through our tele-counseling practice.