By: Kevin Lowry

Have you ever been so focused on achieving your goals that you’ve run people over in the process?  I sure have. In today’s workplaces, it’s more important than ever to meet our goals, and we’re under lots of pressure to be productive and efficient. Unfortunately, this can cause plenty of interpersonal problems, since we all act differently when we’re under pressure.  Here’s one illustration of what not to do. A friend of mine became very unpopular at work by being so focused on achieving her own goals that she treated co-workers as distractions! Unfortunately, this story didn’t end well. She completed her own tasks efficiently, but couldn’t understand why the rest of the team resented her. The situation caused so much turmoil in her department that she ended up leaving the company.

So how do we avoid this pitfall and its various permutations? Particularly for people of faith, how can we achieve legitimate goals — and love one another like Christ loves us?  One of the cool aspects of being Catholic is having so many tremendous role models, past and present. When it comes to achieving goals and valuing people, one of the best examples I can think of is Blessed John Paul II.  Andreas Widmer, a Swiss Guard during the pontificate of John Paul II, wrote an outstanding book entitled The Pope & the CEO in which he describes an astonishing interaction with the Pope. Andreas was a young man at the time, spending his first Christmas away from home. On Christmas Eve, as the Pope went about his duties (achieving goals), he noticed that Andreas was new and immediately recognized Andreas’ sadness. The Pope took just a few seconds to speak with Andreas, precious seconds that Andreas recalls vividly years later. Here’s how Andreas describes the incident in the book:

“That was all I needed. Someone had noticed my pain, someone had cared, and that someone was the Pope himself. In that moment, I felt comforted. Now, looking back, I feel amazed. Here was the leader of a billion Catholics, at the height of some of his fiercest battles, occupied with the most overwhelming and impossible problems of the century, yet he was still sensitive enough to perceive the emotions of a twenty-year-old guard whose sole job was to blend into the background as he passed.”

This story (along with many others in the book) has inspired — and convicted — me ever since the first time I read it. I tend to be… ahem… a little on the preoccupied side, sort of like an absent-minded professor minus the Ph.D. Think about the goals of Blessed John Paul II. They were enormous goals! Can you imagine the impact of someone with such goals taking an interest in you personally? Even for a few seconds?  Yet on a lesser scale, this is what we’re called to do. Achieving goals is important. At the same time, people are the primary goal of our lives. Serving people, honoring people, sometimes just noticing people. And getting our work done! For some of us, the balancing act doesn’t really come naturally. But we need to do our best.

Our work serves legitimate human needs, and by treating others as precious to God, no matter who they are, we honor our Lord. Let’s pray for one another, and do our best today to remember Blessed John Paul II’s example. Let’s take a few precious seconds today as we go about achieving our goals and reflect the love of Christ to someone else. After all, serving people is the goal of our work.

By: Kevin Lowry

“Sorry, I can’t do it tonight. The old ball and chain gets ticked off if I’m out late.”  How many times have we heard derogatory comments like this about spouses in the workplace? Even worse, snide remarks can give way to all-out whining: “My husband is such a jerk sometimes” or “My wife completely lost interest in me after we began having kids.”  Sacramental marriage should be in a different league than this, but we all live in a culture that hasn’t done the greatest job honoring the institution. In reality, we also know that even the strongest sacramental marriages sometimes go through serious challenges.

So what’s a good Catholic spouse to do?

Well, brace yourself for some good news. There are things we can do to honor our spouses in the workplace, and not be swayed by the cultural winds that sometime blow all around us. How about this one: always speak positively about your spouse at work. Why? Here are five reasons — and they just scratch the surface.

1. Complaining about your spouse lacks class. Oh, maybe it’s fashionable to gripe and assume an attitude of superiority over your spouse. But does that make it right, and does it really make you happy? Probably not. Besides, if your spouse is such an idiot, what does that say about you, the person who made sacred vows to him or her?
2. How you speak can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you ever noticed how good spouses make each other winners, and bad spouses make each other losers? Words matter. Speaking with honor is part of acting with honor — even when your spouse isn’t around.
3. It protects your marriage. Even when things are rough at home, airing your grievances at work is the wrong venue. Co-workers who complain about their spouses open up an avenue for support from other co-workers, including those of the opposite sex. This can progress to inappropriate emotional intimacy, and worse.
4. It’s good for your career. Many of the virtues that make for a faithful spouse also make for a great employee or co-worker. Besides, getting in the habit of speaking positively about others (including your spouse) behind their backs helps build a better culture for everyone in your workplace.
5. It’s good for your co–workers. We are affected, for better or worse, by the attitudes and behaviors of our co-workers. Demonstrating charity and understanding towards our spouse might just inspire others to do the same.

We can’t single-handedly change the state of marriage in the world, but we can do our best to honor our own marriage vows — and our spouse. Speaking positively about our spouse in the workplace is a great way to improve our marriage, our workplace, and our walk with Christ.

By: PaxCare Staff

Finding a balance between work and relationships is a challenge for everyone, but what if you and your partner disagree on what the balance is?   It is not uncommon for one partner to feel like everything is “just fine” while the other partner feels more and more that he or she is chasing after a mate who is having an all but adulterous relationship with a job.  How a couple handles this conflict is dependent in large part upon whether they are in a dating relationship or they are already married.  The dating couple is still in the process of evaluating whether God has truly called them together to be each other’s best hope for becoming everything he wants them to be in this life and to help get each other to heaven.   When the dating couple experiences conflict around work, they have to ultimately decide whether God is asking them to make work sacrifices for the sake of the relationship, or if the relationship is a distraction from work God has asked them to do.

Once a couple has taken the step for marriage, however, they have made a covenantal   commitment (that bond which unites two people as God unites to us)  to each other to “forsake all others” that threaten the primacy of the marital relationship–including work.   From a Catholic perspective, marriage is a vocation.   That is, it is the primary way a person works to become who God wants him or her to be in this life, and works to get ready for heaven in the next.   In other words, love–not work–is the ultimate purpose of human existence and our vocation (which, for the married person, is marriage) is the place where we learn the most about what it takes to love God and others in the deepest and most perfect way.   Work exists to support the vocation, not the other way around.   Because of this, spouses have the right to claim the best parts of each other, not just what’s left over when they finally leave the office.

This can be a difficult problem to negotiate when one spouse thinks everything is “just fine” and the other is angry about how much work is taking his or her partner away.   In these times, the partner whose work ethic is being called into question has to resist the temptation to hide out behind the, “I’m happy and you’re not, so you’re the one with the problem” excuse. If your mate is unhappy in the relationship, then there is a problem that you are both responsible for attending to. Often this will mean that the spouse whose work is causing conflict will need to scale back. Sometimes, though, it is not so clear-cut.   If you are confused about the best way to organize your priorities and whether it is your work ethic that is out of order or your spouse that is too needy, you will probably need to seek counseling to learn new tools for meeting your own needs while making sure your mate’s needs are being met as well.

Finding real balance means displaying both the humility to admit you don’t have it all figured out and the willingness to learn how to make sure   you and your mate find everything God wants you to have in this life–a deeply loving relationship and rewarding work. If you are struggling with balancing work and your love relationship, contact your PaxCare Tele-coach to get the help you’re seeking. Call us to get the skills you need to succeed.

 

By: PaxCare Staff

Everyone longs for connection.   We all crave closeness but it can seem so elusive at times.   In the  face of the struggle to fulfill that desire to be in synch with others, we can often despair that it was ever meant to be.

We shouldn’t.  The Theology of the Body  reminds us that we were created to live in unity with God and others.  And, of course, this idea  is deeply rooted in scripture.   Genesis (2:18)  asserts that it was God’s intention from the very beginning that we would live in intimate  communion with others.   Jesus, himself, prayed for the unity we all crave  in John 17:20-23 where he said,

   “Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that you have sent me. And the glory which you gave me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one.”

 The desire for unity that is written on the human heart points to this call to ultimate unity between God, us, and all of humankind.

A Taste of Heaven

All of us have experienced at least  flashes of this unity in our lives.   Every once in a while, God gives us a taste of that connection for which we were created and to which we are destined.   Even if it  is rare, most  of us have had that experience of being in the presence of someone who, for some reason, in that moment, makes everything seem peaceful, makes connection seem easy and  helps it all   just “makes sense.” Whatever you call it, it is a universal longing of the human heart and our happiness depends on our ability to fulfill that longing.

Unity and Holiness

What does it take to cultivate this sense of unity with others?   Most people would say, “time” or “quietness” and to some degree they’re right.   A person needs both of these things to cultivate the qualities that contribute to their ability to be in synch with others.   That said, it’s possible to have this sense with someone even when you don’t have a lot of time and are in a noisy crowd of thousands.   For instance, people who experienced Pope John Paul II, or Mother Theresa, or even now, Pope Francis, will tell you that even if they only got a few seconds with one of these holy people, they were made to feel like they were the only ones who mattered in that moment.   There was a transcendent connection—in the middle of the chaos of the crowd—where one felt “in synch” (in synchronicity) with the other. (Note:  Synchronicity  is the  experience  of two or more  events  as  meaningfully  related, where they are unlikely to be  causally related. The subject sees it as a meaningful coincidence. The concept of synchronicity was first described by  Carl Jung, a  Swiss  psychologist, in the 1920s.) Source: Wikipedia.

Christian mystical theologians tell us that this ability to experience and create moments of unity is a sign of holiness.   Since God is one, and gathers all things into himself so that all may be one, the closer we draw to God, the more we are able to experience unity and share that experience of oneness with another.

Cultivating Connection:   Four Qualities

So we see that the ability to be in synch with others isn’t so much a product of our environment as much as it is a state of being, a mindspace if you will, in which it becomes possible to take down the barriers that separate us from each other and, in turn, create intimate connection.   Psychologists who study these states of being as they naturally occur have identified 4 qualities that enable a person to cultivate that sense of connection with another.   We all have the potential to exhibit these qualities and chances are we already exhibit them to some degree or another.   The trick is to develop them  to the degree that  we can experience them consistently and simultaneously.    The four qualities that lead to this sort of soulful connection between people are known by the acronym  COAL; Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance, and Love.    Let’s look at each of these qualities.

COAL Fuels Connection

Curiosity  is defined, in this context, as the genuine and honest desire to know another person; their  story, thoughts, feelings, and heart.   This type of curiosity is driven by a sincere desire to understand the other person and appreciate the world through their eyes.

Openness  is the  willingness to leave my comfort zone for sake of connection with the other.   We often resist opportunities to see the world through others because it can be disturbing  to our own sense of reality.    A healthy sense of openness allows us to leave our own worldview intact while we try on the worldview of another.   The goal of openness is not so much agreement with the other as it is understanding of the other.

Acceptance  is the willingness to hear  the other person’s  thoughts, feelings, ideas and life  story without judgment.   This is especially tricky for Christians because we believe, rightly, in absolute truth.   It can be hard to feel that I can be accepting  of another’s experience and still be committed to the proposition that there is a right way to live and a right path to walk. Often, curiosity and openness will lead me to encounter people who are very different from me and who’s own worldview clashes significantly, even violently, with mine.   Acceptance of the other’s worldview does not necessarily mean agreement.   It means that I am willing to understand that the other persons views represent  a sincere and honest  attempt on their part  to meet their needs or fulfill their good intentions.   The means by which they attempt to meet those needs or intentions may be deeply flawed, and I might think that it would be better if they changed, but in accepting them, I respect how they came to have the views they do and I respect the needs and intentions that drive those views.   For Christians, this concept might be best expressed as the spiritual practice  of  charitable interpretation.

Loving  represents a  genuine commitment to working for the good of other.   No matter how much I may disagree with someone or how different they may be from me, I actively demonstrate my commitment to doing what I can to making their life easier, more pleasant, more edifying, and healthier in whatever way I can.

The more  we intentionally cultivate these four virtues in  our life and relationships the more likely it is that we will have those flashes of connection, those moments of synchronicity and unity that satisfy the ache in our hearts for intimacy.  The closer we come to fulfilling Jesus’ prayer that all might be one in Him.

By: PaxCare Staff

I talk to a lot of people who have a hard time with their temper but excuse it by saying that they are just being honest about their feelings.

I think it’s important to remember that your emotions are God’s gift to you, and not the people around you. When you are angry about something, that’s the Holy Spirit’s way of prompting you to look at a  potential  injustice.  Having been prompted, your job is to pray about whether the injustice is something in your environment, or if it has something more to do with your unreasonable expectations about how life should work as opposed to how life does work.   Either way, there is a problem to be solved and prayer will help clarify both the nature of the problem and the direction you should take.

Create Solutions, Not More Problems

Having prayed about your feelings, the next step is to prayerfully reflect on a respectful course of action.  If the course of action requires addressing a problem with someone, the rule of thumb is, “Lead with solutions, NOT emotions.”  For example:

 

A.  Leading with Emotions looks like this:   “I can’t believe you’re such a selfish jerk!  I have to do everything around here!”

B.  Leading with solutions look like this:   “I’m really overwhelmed.  I need us to sit down and come up with a plan for getting things together for our company this weekend.”

 

Now, there are a host of irrational thoughts that stop a person from doing B instead of A—but they’re all irrational.   If you tend to do A more than B, you’ve let Satan get in your head and he’s going to tempt you to actions that will drive the people you love away from you.

Don’t Hide from Your Problems

The second challenge (beyond the variety of irrational thoughts) people offer to this advice is, “Well, that’s just the way guys think about problems, not women.”  No.  That’s the way rational men and women think about problems.   Look, both men and women are equally capable of tantrumming and both men and women are equally capable of being reasonable, proactive, and effective.  If you find that you can’t consistently pull this off, don’t hide behind your gender.  Get the skills you need to be a more effective man or woman of God.  God wants to use you mightily, but he can’t do that if you love your emotions more than you love him or the people he’s placed in your life to love and serve.

To discover more ways to communicate effectively while respecting your God-given emotions, check out God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!  To talk to someone one-on-one about any and all the challenges you may be experiencing as described in the above, call your PaxCare Tele-coach. Talk to us to get the solutions you need to succeed.

By: Therese J. Borchard

I know what you’re thinking: another cheesy, goody-two-shoes article on how I can keep all those goals I’ve set going into 2014. If you abhor such articles (like 10 ways to de-clutter your bathroom), then keep on reading. I’m like you. Normal.

1. Bribe yourself.

A so-called parenting expert that I read last week claimed that bribing your kid to get him to do something was an example of irresponsible and ineffective parenting. I suspect that the same man sits in his quiet and tidy little office cranking out advice like that while either his wife or nanny is home doing the dirty work. Let’s face it. Bribing is one of the most effective tools to get anyone–your kid, your stubborn mother, your golden retriever, or yourself—to do something.

My running coach used this brilliant method to train me to run 18 miles. Before our run, he hid Jolly Ranchers along our route, every two miles, so he’d say to me when I wanted to stop, “In another half-mile, you get a treat! Come on, you can do it!” And like a rat spotting a half-eaten hotdog, I’d run to the candy. You want to make sure you stick to your resolution? Bribe yourself along the road there: at the one-fourth mark, one-half mark, and three-quarters mark.

2. Team up.

Think of the buddy system from Boy Scouts. Teaming up with someone means that you have to be accountable. You have to report to someone. Which brings down your percentage of cheating by 60 percent, or something like that. Especially if you’re a people-pleaser like me. You want to be good, and get an A, so make sure someone is passing out such reviews.

Also, there is power in numbers, which is why the pairing system is used in many different capacities today: in the workplace, to insure quality control and promote better morale; in twelve-step groups to foster support and mentorship; in exercise programs to get your butt outside on a dark, wintry morning when you’d rather enjoy coffee and sweet rolls with your walking partner.

3. Throw in a gimme.

This is to ensure on December 31 of next year, you will have succeeded at one goal. So make it an easy one: “Throw out my Christmas sweater with a sequined reindeer,” “Pitch my golf-ball socks with two huge holes in the toes,” “Give away my Yanni CDs,” “Frame the family photo I had taken two summers ago.” You see where I’m going with this one? Heck, if you list a bunch of gimmes, then you’ll feel even better about yourself come next December.

4. Allow some backtracking.

I think most of us say “to hell with it” around the third week in January because it takes that long for the brain to realize it is going to need a motherlode of discipline to keep the resolution, and our goal isn’t so newish and cool anymore. Like last May, when I decided to eat according to the “Skinny Bitch” diet. I consumed hummus and celery for three weeks straight, feeling fantastic every time I fastened my loose jeans. Then I got really stick of hummus and celery, so sick of them that I still can’t eat them to this day.

We need to go into our resolution knowing that we are very likely going to mess up in a few weeks, or maybe days, and that’s okay, because for every two steps backward we make another half-step forward. Technically, then, we can categorize it as “progress.” Moreover, if we lose our black and white thinking, and adjust our vision to see more colors— situations and events in which we can’t just eat celery and hummus— then we’ll be able to hang onto to our resolutions until February, and maybe even June!

5. Wear some resolution bling.

Let me explain this one. It has something to do with my obsessive-compulsive self, and being raised by a lot of nuns who held a lot of rosaries and holy water, other faith objects. I need reminders–ideally 234 of them–to refresh me on goals, promises, and prayers I recited myself in the morning with my coffee. And because tattoos are expensive and well, permanent, I go with jewelry, medals, and beads I can hang on to.

So, for example, my resolution this year is to worry less and trust God more, especially financially: to be a little more relaxed, in general, and to try to let the big guy upstairs deal with it before I take it from him, throwing a hissy fit. This is essentially the Serenity Prayer: to accept the things I can’t change, and to know the difference between the things that I can’t change and the things I can. So I wear a serenity prayer bracelet, each bead symbolizing part of the prayer. My keychain holds a large cross with the Serenity Prayer engraved on it, and it makes a jingling sound as I drive, to remind me that the pea-brained fellow in front of me who won’t let me around him is one thing I can’t change.

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These helpful tips don’t just apply to New Year resolutions but to any any effort you might make in your daily life to form a new habit or resolution. For more help, contact your PaxCare tele-coach.  They  can help you find faithful solutions to any and all of the challenges addressed in this article. Call us to get the support you need to succeed.

By: PaxCare Staff

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is disturbingly common among leaders of corporations and other high-profile institutions, including, sadly, the church.  That’s not to say that God can’t work through narcissists—he works through all of us after all—but it is important to realize when you’re dealing with one so that you can view their work and their pronouncements with a grain of salt.   Too many people fall prey to ecclesial narcissists like Corapi, or Cutie,  or Maciel only to have their souls crushed when the mask comes off.

People love  heroes.  They love a person with a great story.  Narcissists know that and are good at playing to it.   But not everyone with a powerful conversion story or who puts themselves in the public eye is necessarily a narcissist.  So, how do you know if you’ve got a narcissist in your life, or your company, or your parish, or your chancery?   The link above describes some of the diagnostic markers for  NPD, but there’s a difference between diagnostic criteria and the way a person carries him or herself.   The following are some of the behaviors and traits you often see in someone who has NPD (Hat Tip, HealthyPlace.com)

 

“Haughty” body language — A physical posture implying and exuding an air of superiority…He rarely mingles socially and prefers to adopt the stance of the “observer” or the “lone wolf”.

Entitlement markers — The narcissist immediately asks for “special treatment” of some kind.  He wants to talk to the person in charge.  He always needs special accommodations.  He becomes indignant or hostile if denied.

Idealization or devaluation — The narcissist immediately sizes another person up as someone who can boost his status or someone who is unhelpful to boosting his status.  Those who are status sources will be praised—at first, and then torn down as the narcissist gains  acceptance by the target’s friends.  Those who cannot help the narcissist’s status will be humiliated or insulted in some way so the narcissist can at least use the interaction to reassert his superiority and dominance.

The “membership” posture — The narcissist always tries to “belong”. Yet, at the very same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The narcissist seeks to be admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking… One of the most effective methods of exposing a narcissist is by trying to go deeper and discuss matters substantially. The narcissist is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack-of-all-trades. A narcissist never admits to ignorance IN ANY FIELD!

Emotion-free language — If the narcissist is asked to relate directly to his emotions, he intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person and in a detached “scientific” tone or writes a short story with a fictitious character in it, suspiciously autobiographical.

Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion — The narcissist is dead serious about himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and cynical. But he never appreciates it when this weapon is directed at him. The narcissist regards himself as being on a constant mission whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are global.

 

Have you experienced someone who displays these narcissistic traits in your life? Contact your PaxCare Tele-Coach, who can help you find faithful solutions to any and all of the challenges addressed in this article. Call us to get the support you need to succeed.