Guest Post by Jacob Francisco, LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com
The time and energy that spouses dedicate to one another overflows into the peace and well-being of the entire family.
My dad would come home from a day of teaching around 4:30 or 5.
After the customary greetings by my sisters and me, he would move us out of the kitchen to spend some quality time with my mom. They would have a cup of coffee together, work on dinner, and talk about the day for about 30 minutes.
Us youngsters were not allowed to eavesdrop or bother them “unless someone is bleeding” as they (jokingly!) said.
After the coffee was gone, we all came together again and had dinner as a family. Being home for dinner was mostly not negotiable. Mom and dad worked hard to limit any possible conflicts with our regular family meal.
Protecting dinner time gave us the opportunity to create a space for lots of lively discussion, especially as we got older and grappled with questions about God, the world, and our friends.
These experiences helped pour the foundation for the man I am and the man I am becoming. Being given that space to reflect and talk with my parents helped me feel like I was standing on solid ground. A feeling I carry inside of me to this day.
But just as importantly, the conversational time my parents protected for themselves is one of the concrete ways I knew in my bones that they loved each other. Every child needs to know that their parents love one another, especially when parents are upset or stressed.
The family dinner routine was how I knew that I was loved.
That I belonged. There is a sense of security, well-being, and warmth in the knowledge of belonging.
By protecting the time they needed to reconnect as spouses, the graces of the sacrament could overflow into the whole family.
The importance of couple time first
A healthy and holy marriage isn’t something that just happens to people.
The romantic passion will change over time and life has a way of stealing our time and attention. There will always be more things that demand our energy.
Our spouse deserves to be our priority because people are more important than things.
This is the person we chose to spend our life with and unless we guard that the world will try to take this away from us.
Couple’s time is “sacred work.” It brings grace to the whole family and consecrates family life to God.
Couples need to protect this time for themselves and for their kids just like my parents did. Children benefit because a connected couple has more to pour into their family relationships: more joy, more generosity, more warmth.
Couple time first is a paradigm or mindset, not just a certain time in the week.
The point is not always to have a rigid adherence to a single practice or activity. The point is that even when those regular routines do not (or cannot) happen, we intentionally make couple time a priority.
Life is messy and often unpredictable. Healthy married couples possess flexibility when needed without compromising the principle.
They follow up with each other later and make sure that they get in even just 10-15 minutes of time to connect every day. 10-15 minutes is no time at all, and most couples probably want and need more at least a few times a week.
So how do we make that happen?
- Consider what you are already doing that you could be more intentional about. Perhaps there is a certain time of day you often spend together already, such as right before bed at night. Be more intentional about what you talk about then. Go a little deeper. Talk about those pesky feelings we tend to gloss over in the course of talking about what happened during the day.
- Reflect on what tends to get in the way of this time. Do either of you schedule other plans during that time when it is not urgent or serious? Do you choose time together over other commitments, even good ones?
- Guard your time against interruptions, even your kid’s wants. (By all means help them with their needs, but like the example with my parents, when my parent’s guarded their time together it helped them meet my needs more effectively).
Do we need to reduce some commitments or clear out our schedule a bit?
Do we need to make sure things like dinner together or time in the evenings are not often commandeered by other activities or distractions like TV?
Making couple time first does not always mean adding more activities to your life. The most important part of this mindset is that you are intentional and that time together is the first priority, not last.
Learn more about Jacob Francisco, LMHC at CatholicCounselors.com.