Guest Post by Jacob Francisco, LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com
Need To Be Loved
Every human being has a God-given need to give love and feel loved in return. This desire for unity with another is a primary motivator to find a mate.
If you do not feel united or connected to your spouse, or have the sense that your spouse feels that way, part of the problem could be too little affection.
Here are some signs that you might not be sharing enough affection in your marriage:
-Frequently feeling lonely around your spouse
-Frequently feeling irritable towards your spouse
-Frequent miscommunications or defensiveness about deeper feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears
-Feeling you cannot share thoughts and feelings for fear of being criticized or shamed
-Often jump to negative conclusions or assumptions about your spouse or their motives
When more than one of the above items is generally true for you and/or your spouse resentment can build and spouses slowly drift away from each other–they become disconnected.
Shared affection is one solution to these struggles.
Affection maintains a connection in good times and in bad.
The truth is we are all called to generously give of ourselves to others as Christ did for us. This is exponentially more true in our marriage.
But we all love our comfort too much, and often (even without realizing it) prioritize our own comfort over the call to generously give ourselves.
We tend to approach loving others from the direction of how I like to love others, such as service or time together. Ultimately, this is backwards and incomplete. I need to be asking “How does my spouse want to be loved?”
I might not consider myself to be an “affectionate person” or a “touchy-feely” type. But God’s call to generous self-giving outweighs our comfort.
As for receiving love from my spouse, this can be, and often is, difficult when my wounds get in the way. Being receptive to love requires vulnerability and openness.
How often do we receive a compliment and immediately dismiss it in our mind, or even out loud? Does your spouse compliment your appearance, or tell you that you look nice, and your first reaction is “No, I don’t feel that way”?
If we reject or deflect when someone else expresses affection often enough, chances are they will give up trying. If I stiffen up or cringe when touched, my spouse may eventually get discouraged and stop.
The Benefits of Extravagant Affection
Affection establishes a link between myself and the other person on the physical, mental and even spiritual level, beginning with the body. Holding someone in a close embrace allows our heartbeats to sync together.
This has a calming effect on the nervous system and fosters a sense of safety and closeness in the relationship.
Safety and closeness reduce tension, conflict, negativity, resentment, loneliness, and fear.
How often is “extravagant?”
Marriage research through the Gottman Institute recommends a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.
The 20:1 ratio is a helpful way to communicate the general guideline: start with what seems extravagant to you, and then stretch yourself to do a little bit more than that.
Don’t “keep score” on this point. It’s a guideline, not another way to show your spouse how far they fall short. Focus on your own contributions to the ratio. Reject transactional thinking: “If I give her compliments then she should give me a compliment.”
What qualifies as affection?
There are three important elements: frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsiveness.
Frequent physical contact includes a wide range of touch: a brief touch on the shoulder, holding hands, or cuddling for long periods of time.
Warm interactions are kindled through non-verbal cues like facial expressions and tone of voice, choice of words, gratitude and affirmations. If it is ‘warm’ it draws you towards the other person and helps you feel connected.
Responsiveness is how consistently we return a “bid” for our attention. Affectionate couples make eye contact with one another often when talking and also make an effort to acknowledge when their spouse says something.
Do you look up from your phone or the TV when your spouse starts talking to you? Do you demonstrate that you received their message?
Practical Tips
Golden Rule: Express affection in ways that your spouse enjoys.
Love list: This exercise is for both spouses. Each spouse writes a list of 25 ways that they want to be shown love in non-sexual terms. About 20 of them should be small and simple. The other 5 can be bigger or more complex. Small things might be: kiss my forehead, rub my feet, tell me “I adore you,” bring me a drink. Bigger things could be: organize a date, give me a massage, buy me a gift. After both spouses finish, exchange lists. Try to do 2-3 things on your spouse’s list daily.
6 Second Rule: Once a day, when you hug or kiss your spouse, linger in it for 6+ seconds. This gives you both enough time to slow down, sync up, and melt into the affection.
Compliment Catch: Take turns giving each other compliments and affirmations. Be genuine, thoughtful, and sincere. Continue the activity at least until both spouses are laughing and smiling. This is a good activity for dates, during time together, or after a conflict.
If you would like to talk with a Pastoral Counselor, or learn more about Jacob Francisco, LMHC visit CatholicCounselors.com