Everyone knows the classic story of the Grinch, the green, cave-dwelling misanthrope who spent his days hating the noise and joy of the holidays. He comes sledding into Whoville, determined to ruin Christmas and make all the Whos cry “boo-hoo.”
It’s a heartwarming holiday story…until, that is, you encounter your own personal “Grinch.”
Oh, he or she may not be green or carry a grudge against Christmas. Instead, this particular Grinch may show up as the family member whose irritability makes everyone walk around on eggshells, the coworker whose chronic pessimism and negativity drain everyone else, or the moody, passive-aggressive kid on your couch.
These Grinches leave us feeling heavy, tense, and insecure as their emotional storm clouds fill the room. We might find ourselves mirroring their mood as a defense mechanism.
But as pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac shared on a recent episode of the More2Life radio show, a better approach might be the one modeled by the Whos of Whoville.
Why We Tend to Mirror Our Grinches
During a recent episode of More2Life with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac explained that when someone around us is being a Grinch, our natural instinct is to absorb that energy.
“Our nervous system just mirrors what it sees, and our thoughts start spinning, and our confidence dips, and we kind of start shrinking ourselves or bracing ourselves,” Rachael said.
This defensive posture isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s actually a biological response. God wired human brains with “mirror neurons” that are designed to help us empathize with others, which is normally a good thing. But those same mirror neurons can also cause us to reflexively mimic the stress of a hostile person.
The trick, according to Rachael, is to realize what’s going on and take control of the situation.
“Don’t match the mood. Manage your own,” she said.
That simple statement shifts everything. Instead of asking, “How do I get them to stop?”—which leaves us feeling powerless—we can ask, as Dr. Popcak put it, “How can I get myself to a better place so that I can deal with them intentionally rather than just reacting to them?”
Manage Your Own Mood in Four Steps
At the heart of staying steady, Rachael said, is the “internal boundary.” Unlike an external boundary, which might involve leaving a room, an internal boundary is a mental filter. It allows us to acknowledge someone else’s pain or anger without letting it enter our own hearts.
Here are four practical steps for maintaining your calm and protecting your peace when the Grinch comes calling.
1. Pause and name what is happening
Start with pausing to remind yourself that as heavy as the other person’s energy feels, it’s their mood, not yours. As Rachael put it, “this is their feeling, not a reflection of my worth, my competence, or my responsibility to fix it.”
When we stop taking responsibility for everyone else’s happiness, we are free to act out of our own values. We can find our peace in who God created us to be, rather than getting sucked into the storm someone else is projecting.
2. Ground yourself in your body
Hostility triggers a “fight or flight” response that makes us physically tense. Before you respond to a grumpy comment, check your body.
“We want to ground ourselves and our body before we respond,” Rachael said. “So take a second to unclench your jaw. Drop your shoulders. Take that deep breath. Because in that moment, our calm can become our anchor.”
Send up a quick prayer for God to send you grace and strength.
3. Choose your tone intentionally
It is incredibly easy to “inherit” the tone of a difficult person. If they are snappy, we become snappy. However, emotional maturity means choosing our own response.
“We can respond with a steady and neutral energy,” Rachael said. “And that’s not us being fake in that moment. It’s us being intentional.”
By keeping your tone steady, you prevent the conflict from escalating and maintain your own dignity.
4. Maintain the internal boundary
Remind yourself that you can be kind without being a sponge. Say to yourself, “I can stay compassionate without carrying their mood.”
This allows you to remain present and even helpful to the person who is struggling, but you do so from a position of strength rather than insecurity. You are no longer “walking on eggshells”; you are standing on solid ground.
When you maintain your calm, you actually elevate the entire interaction. People feel safer around someone who is regulated and steady. As Rachael points out, “You protect your peace, and you stay in line with your values instead of being pulled into someone else’s storm. And that stability is really our strength.”
Take Your Cue From a Who
Like the Whos in Whoville, you can choose joy and peace even when someone else brings the Grinch energy. You can be the steady light in the room, reflecting the stability and grace that God offers us all.
For more help with managing difficult relationships or performing your best under pressure, reach out to Rachael Isaac or the team of pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.