Conflict often gets a bad rap. Many of us grow up thinking it’s best to avoid it—especially with those we love.
But conflict—that is, a disagreement between two people about priorities, values, and goals—is an inevitable part of human relationships. And according to Mark Kolodziej, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, conflict doesn’t have to be something we fear. In fact, when handled well, conflict can actually strengthen relationships, fostering growth and mutual respect.
“Conflict is not a bad thing,” Kolodziej says. “It actually is beneficial and healthy for families and for couples.”
Avoiding conflict, he adds, ultimately hurts relationships, letting problems fester instead of being addressed.
Keys to Creative, Constructive, Respectful Conflict
How can we approach conflict in ways that help us grow and strengthen our relationships? Kolodziej suggests several strategies.
Reframe Conflict as a Team Challenge
For many people, the words “conflict” and “fight” are nearly synonymous: conflict is seen as a contest in which there is a high risk of getting hurt, and which is resolved when one person “wins” and the other “loses.”
But Kolodziej suggests seeing conflict as a challenge two people can tackle together, an exercise in teamwork. In this problem-solving approach, “the relationship is more important than being right,” he says.
Focus on High-Impact Problems
Choosing which conflicts to put time and energy into is also key; you don’t necessarily want to spend a lot of time on low-impact differences, like what show to watch or where to eat.
“We need to look at what is impacting our relationship the most?” Kolodziej says. He suggests prioritizing issues that are undermining the relationship or causing you to sin. Notice your emotions—if an issue causes regret, resentment, or anxiety, it’s likely a conflict worth addressing.
Clarify Each Person’s Wants or Needs
Conflict often arises when one or both people feel their needs aren’t met. Kolodziej suggests beginning by identifying and clearly communicating those needs on both sides.
“And then we look at the gap between what that person needs and what I need, and we try to triangulate it (to find) a way that we can both get our needs met,” Kolodziej says.
If each side’s needs or wants aren’t clearly identified, the conversation can hit a snag. Kolodziej often asks his clients to define what they need, but many struggle with this. For example, someone might say, “I need my spouse to be nice to me,” but when Kolodziej follows up to ask what “nice” looks like more specifically, they can’t say.
Clarity is essential. “You’ll never satisfy someone’s needs until they know what they need,” Kolodziej explains. But if the person is able to name what “nice” looks like, “then all of a sudden it becomes real and it becomes achievable.”
Avoid the Landmines of Contempt and Defensiveness
Kolodziej identifies two “landmines” that can sink constructive relationship problem-solving.
One is contempt, which Kolodziej says is “the one behavior that destroys relationships faster than anything else.” It is okay to criticize someone for what they have done (“You leave all the chores for me to do”), but attacking someone’s character (“You’re lazy and selfish”) crosses over into contempt.
If you are on the receiving end of the other person’s contempt, Kolodziej suggests responding with these powerful words: “If you’re trying to hurt me, it’s working.”
Ideally, that will reset the conversation. But if it doesn’t, it might be time to walk away from the conversation, at least for a while.
The other landmine is being overly defensive when it would be more appropriate to take responsibility for your actions.
“Defensiveness is probably one of the greatest contributors to not resolving conflicts,” Kolodziej says. “As soon as we justify (our actions), then we’re basically saying, ‘I’m not guilty. I did it, but the devil made me do it.’ Or: ‘I did it because you did this first and I’m just getting even with you.’”
A more effective response to a legitimate complaint is to take ownership of your role: “You can say, ‘I did this part or that part, you have every right to be upset with me.’ No ‘if,’ ‘and,’ or ‘but,’ just simply, ‘Yeah, I did it.’”
Monitor Your “Emotional Temperature”
Watch your “emotional temperature” during conflict. Dr. Greg Popcak, Kolodziej’s colleague, developed an “emotional thermometer” that uses a scale of 1 to 10 to gauge emotional intensity. If your emotional temperature hits 8 or higher, Kolodziej recommends a break, with a commitment to reconvene later when emotions have cooled.
An Investment in Relationship
Most conflicts can be resolved when both parties respect these ground rules, Kolodziej says, although some conflicts—like one partner wanting children and the other not—may not have a win-win resolution. In these cases, couples must decide whether the relationship is more valuable than the unresolved issue. And if the other person values “winning” over the relationship, it might be time to set boundaries, Kolodziej advises: “If the person is toxic, if they keep attacking and won’t change their behaviors, maybe that’s a relationship that’s best not to continue–at least not in the same way.”
Overall, though, entering conflicts with a creative, cooperative attitude can lead to greater love and connection between two people.
“Every conflict that you have, you invest in that relationship,” he says. “People who have no conflicts and then all of a sudden have one, that might destroy them. But people who are frequently resolving conflicts respectfully are building a relationship that is very, very tight, that is indestructible.”
If you need more help with a conflict in your life, head over to the bookstore at CatholicCounselors.com, where you will find many books on this topic. Or connect with Mark Kolodziej or another pastoral counselor by reaching out to CatholicCounselors.com.