Interpersonal conflict is tricky enough to navigate in any setting, but when it happens at your parish, it can be extra stressful.
That’s what happened to Maria. For two years, another woman on a volunteer committee had been the self-appointed boss of everything. She assigned tasks without being asked and changed plans other people had already agreed on. If anyone pushed back, she’d get tearful.
Maria — and everyone else — went along with her to avoid the drama. But then the woman mapped out the committee’s entire summer program without input from anyone else, presenting it as a done deal.
That’s when Maria realized she’d run out of patience.
“I realized I was angry, not just about the schedule, but about the fact that I’ve been swallowing this for two years,” she said in an email to Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s More2Life radio program. “I want to handle this the right way. But I honestly don’t know what that looks like when the person seems to genuinely believe they’re doing a good thing. How do I address this without being the one who caused a problem at church?”
The answer to that question, according to the Popcaks, begins with recognizing that setting healthy boundaries with difficult people isn’t “selfish,” but often the most loving thing to do.
Your Needs Matter, Too
Demanding people tend to get their way because they know how to make you feel guilty about saying “no.” In a church context, that strategy can get a boost from the idea that saying “no” is selfish and therefore un-Christian.
But that guilt isn’t the “good guilt” that helps us get back on track when we sin.
“That guilt isn’t coming from the Holy Spirit,” Lisa said. “It’s the enemy’s voice, whispering that your needs don’t matter as much as theirs.”
The truth is, your needs, your time, your emotional energy all have value because you have value, Lisa continued: “Protecting those things is not selfish. It’s how you stay healthy enough to keep loving well.”
Some Christians might object that Jesus called us to “take up our cross” in imitation of him. That kind of sacrificial love has its time and place; sometimes, love requires sacrificing our own needs and priorities. Think, for instance, of the parent who gets up in the middle of the night to care for a sick child.
But acquiescing to others isn’t always the best way to love them. Yes, Jesus’ sacrifice is the ultimate expression of his love for us. But on countless occasions, he pushed back on people for their own good: the scribes and Pharisees, but also Peter and other of his closest disciples.
The Popcaks point to Galatians 6:2 as a good reminder of what responsible love looks like: “Bear one another’s burdens.” Notice, Lisa pointed out, that St. Paul says we are to bear “one another’s” burdens — not “everyone’s” burdens. Mutual self-giving is the key.
Three Ways to Respond to a Demanding Person
So what should someone in Maria’s position do? Here’s what Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak recommend.
1. Ask whether this is actually a hill worth climbing
Before you do anything else, step back and ask: Is this person demanding something truly unreasonable — or just annoying?
If what they’re pushing is genuinely good for the relationship or the project and doesn’t really cost you much, the wisest move may be to simply do it.
“This is one of those times where offering it up — the old Catholic practice — might actually be a good thing,” Greg said. Not every demand deserves a confrontation, and not every irritating request is worth the energy it would take to resist it.
But if the person’s demand harms your well-being or undermines the good of the project or group, pushing back might be the best way to go.
2. Name what you need — calmly and clearly
Once you’ve read the situation, put your needs on the table. Not as an accusation or a demand — just as information.
In the context of Maria’s committee, Greg and Lisa suggested leading with gratitude before raising the question. Something like: “Thank you so much for all the work you put into this. Let’s take some time for everyone to look it over, and then we can see what works for the group.”
In a one-on-one situation, Greg recommends being direct but low-key: “Hey, I want to make sure we make room for what’s important to me and my family.” State it plainly and see what happens.
3. Use the ‘qualified yes’
If the person pushes back, consider offering a “qualified yes”: “I could do this, but I can’t do that.” Offer what you genuinely can, name what you can’t — clearly, and without apology.
And if they won’t accept even that? Greg’s counsel is simple: let the consequences play out naturally. Say, for instance, that you’re being asked to bring potato salad to the potluck, but for some reason you can’t do that. After clearly communicating that you won’t be able to bring the potato salad (or run the parish festival, or round up prizes for the raffle, or lead the fourth-grade vacation bible school…), simply let the cards fall where they may.
“You’re not being petty,” Greg said. “You’re not being mean. You’re not creating drama. You just didn’t do the thing you couldn’t do.”
Most situations don’t require dramatic confrontation. “Only if they are adamantly refusing to be a virtuous person do we have to escalate in any way, shape or form,” Lisa says. A calm, consistent pattern of naming your needs — held with warmth and without drama — is usually enough to shift the dynamic over time.
Naming Your Needs Is Good for Everyone
We don’t know how Maria’s situation played out, but we can imagine. If she followed the steps outlined by the Popcaks, then she didn’t need to cause a scene or demand a full restructuring of the committee.
She could simply begin saying, with grace and gratitude, what she could and couldn’t do. Gradually, other committee members might see a way to name their needs, too. Hopefully, the end result would be more honesty, more mutual support, and more room for people to share their ideas and talents.
That’s not a bad thing for anyone; even for the self-appointed “boss,” the end result is a richer, more fulfilling volunteer experience.
For more help navigating difficult relationships, reach out to the team of professional pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com. You might also find Dr. Greg’s book God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! a practical companion for the work ahead.