How to Talk to Your Adult Kids When They Make Poor Choices

Carol called into the More2Life radio show with a dilemma: Her 32-year-old daughter, Julia, had moved in with her boyfriend, Chuck.

“I want to be supportive of her, but I can’t endorse her choices,” Carol said. She felt trapped, she said, between her love for her daughter and her moral objections.

How can you show love and support for your adult child while staying true to your values? It’s a common dilemma for many parents of adult children. The answer lies in understanding the difference between support and endorsement, according to Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, the authors of Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Your Adult Sons & Daughters

Support vs. Endorsement: Understanding the Difference

The good news for Carol (and anyone in a similar dilemma) is that it is possible to support someone without endorsing or approving of their choices. As St. Augustine famously said, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.”

How is this possible? The key is supporting the legitimate need or good intention behind your child’s poor choice. Almost always, our adult children don’t believe they are making bad choices—they genuinely feel their actions are reasonable. As the Popcaks point out, all of us tend to rationalize our poor choices by focusing on the good we hope to realize by making them.

Once you identify the good your child is trying to achieve, that good can become the basis of your support. Instead of getting into an argument about the morality or wisdom of the choice (“Cohabitating is sinful/foolish”)—an argument that probably won’t end well—you can work together to find healthier, holier ways to meet your child’s intentions. Rather than being on opposing sides, you’re now on the same team.

Carol and Julia: A Case Study

Let’s see how these steps might play out in Carol’s situation with her daughter, Julia:

Focus on Intentions, Not Actions. Carol starts by asking Julia a compassionate, open-ended question: “Can you help me understand why living with Chuck feels like the best option for you?” This strategy keeps the conversation constructive by signaling Carol’s willingness to understand Julia’s perspective, rather than jumping to judgment. It helps Julia feel heard and opens the door to exploring her intentions more deeply. Julia explains that she and Chuck are saving money to eventually get married, and they want to build a stable foundation for their future.

 

Affirm Positive Goals. Carol acknowledges Julia’s good intentions. She might say, “I can see that financial stability and a strong foundation are important to you, and I want that for you too.” By affirming Julia’s goals, Carol builds trust and creates a space for a deeper conversation.

 

Gently Challenge Assumptions. Next, Carol gently challenges the way that Julia is attempting to reach her goal of financial security. She might say, “Have you ever considered that living together might be getting in the way of that goal? Have you thought about whether living together could complicate things financially?” This helps Julia consider potential risks without feeling judged or attacked.

 

Explore Better Alternatives. If Julia is open to the conversation so far, Carol might help her explore healthier ways of achieving her goal of financial stability. She might say, “Let’s talk about other ways you can work toward your goals while also honoring what we both believe is important.”

 

In all likelihood, the conversation won’t be quite so straightforward. For example, as Carol and Julia continue talking together, it might come out that Julia would like to be married, but she is afraid that if she pushes Chuck on the question, he might leave her, and then she would be alone. This is a new layer of intention behind Julia’s choice, and a new avenue for conversation.

Keeping the Conversation Going

It might be tempting to cut straight to the chase (“What you’re doing is wrong, and it’s going to end badly”). While that may be true, it is probably the least effective way to change your adult child’s mind. It could also result in your child shutting down, keeping you at a distance, or breaking off communication entirely.

That’s why the Popcaks recommend a more empathetic approach.

“Throughout all these conversations, Carol is not—at least directly—trying to talk Julia out of living with Chuck,” the Popcaks write. “She is accepting the fact that this is the way things are for now. But Carol is recognizing that Julia is cohabiting, not because she wants to live an immoral life or reject her parents’ values or defy God, but because she is scared. She doesn’t know how to meet her needs without making the choices she has made.”

A Path Forward

Parenting doesn’t stop when your children become adults—it simply changes. By distinguishing between support and endorsement, you can maintain strong, loving relationships with your adult children while staying true to your faith. This approach not only preserves your connection but also supports your adult child in their spiritual growth.

For more insights on navigating difficult conversations with your adult children, check out Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Your Adult Sons & Daughters by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And if you need personalized guidance, visit CatholicCounselors.com to connect with a faith-based pastoral counselor.

4 Practices That Help “Grown Up” Families Stay Close

Many parents assume that it’s inevitable for families to grow apart as kids grow up and leave home; Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak hear this assumption frequently on their More2Life call-in radio show. And it’s true: long distances, busy work schedules, and new family responsibilities all make it more challenging for adult children to stay connected with their parents and siblings.

But in their book Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, the Popcaks propose a way for families to maintain warm, loving adult relationships even though they are not living under the same roof any longer.

The key? Shared experiences around family rituals. By finding ways to continue working, playing, talking, and praying together on a regular basis—even at a distance—“grown up” families build a “trellis” to support the growth of love, trust, and connection. Over time, these practices build emotional capital, creating the context for deeper conversations and mutual understanding.

 

Family Rituals in the Context of Adult Relationships

If you belong to CatholicHŌM or are familiar with the Popcaks’ work around the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, you probably already know how shared family rituals provide a strong foundation for family life. In Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, the Popcaks explain how to practice these family rituals in the context of adult relationships.

In their book, the Popcaks provide several pages of ideas for creating rituals tailored to different aspects of family life. These can be adjusted to fit the unique needs and interests of your family. Here are some examples:

  • Work rituals: Collaborate on a family project, such as organizing a reunion, helping an adult child with home repairs, or preparing meals for a local charity. Even simple tasks, like cleaning out a garage together, can provide opportunities to connect.
  • Play rituals: Schedule regular game nights, family hikes, or movie nights. For families spread across distances, try an online trivia game or watch a movie “together” while chatting via video call.
  • Prayer rituals: Create a family group chat for sharing prayer intentions and answered prayers. Attend Mass together on special occasions, or occasionally text a personalized prayer for an adult child’s specific need. For example: “Lord, please bless Carla in her job interview today. Help her to use the gifts you’ve given her and trust in your plan for her life.”
  • Conversation rituals: Plan regular one-on-one coffee or meal dates with your adult children. Use technology to stay connected through weekly family video calls or group chats.

 

Turning Intentions Into Action

Of course, these family rituals don’t just materialize on their own. “There needs to be some intentionality and even some gentle, positive pressure to make these things happen regularly,” the Popcaks write.

But how do you make family rituals happen when your adult children have their own lives and priorities? More importantly, how do you do it in a way that feels natural and joyful for everyone? The Popcaks offer four tips:

  1.       Set Expectations. Start by creating the understanding that family connection is important and should happen regularly. Avoid presenting this as a wistful fantasy, as though it’s an unlikely goal. Instead, take a hopeful and practical approach: “Let’s get out our calendars and make something happen.” Suggest a few ideas to get the ball rolling, but don’t force a particular plan. Instead, use your suggestions as conversation starters that encourage your adult children to share their own ideas.
  2.       Generate Buy-In. Invite your adult children to contribute ideas about what they’d enjoy doing together. Be generous and open to possibilities, even if some suggestions aren’t your personal favorites. The goal isn’t necessarily finding the one activity that you all love equally. Rather, the goal is finding a list of activities you can all reasonably tolerate or even enjoy. Whether it’s a shared project, a game night, or a simple family meal, focus on the relationship rather than the specific activity.
  3.       Be Realistic About Participation. Acknowledge that not everyone will always be able to join, and that’s okay. Make it clear that the door is always open to those who can participate. By showing flexibility and understanding, you create a sense of welcome without making anyone feel pressured or guilty. Let them know you value time with whoever is available, and don’t let absences discourage your efforts.
  4.       Make It Enjoyable. When the family does come together, ensure the time is pleasant and enjoyable for all involved. This helps create positive momentum, encouraging everyone to look forward to future gatherings. As the Popcaks write: “The relationship is primary; the activity is secondary.”

Over time, this gentle approach builds enthusiasm for shared experiences.

If you’re ready to take the next step in strengthening your family bonds, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book, Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Our Adult Sons and Daughters, offers even more insights and practical advice. For additional help tailored to your unique situation, visit CatholicCounselors.com to connect with a pastoral counselor who can guide you on this journey.

How to Cope as Kids Leave the Nest

As any new parent quickly learns (usually in the middle of the night), raising kids can be both joyful and really challenging. And while it may be hard to believe during those 2 a.m. feedings, saying goodbye to young adult children as they head off for a new life can be one of the tougher moments.

Anne Brunette, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., had a rough few weeks after dropping her oldest child off at a university five hours away.

“I cried the whole way home,” she said in a recent interview. “I called a friend, I talked to my husband. I wrote her a couple of letters and we talked a lot in the beginning, and it gradually kept getting better.”

Since seeing off that first child, she has gone through the same process with two sons as well. “And I will have to tell you next year at this time how it goes with the youngest,” she said, laughing. “That’s going to be its own challenge.”

In the meantime, as a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, she has helped plenty of other parents navigate the transition from childhood to young adulthood.

Most parents experience a whirlwind of feelings, with joy, pride, and excitement living right alongside worry, anxiety, regret, and sadness. Like Brunette herself, most parents find their way through this mini-crisis to a new, richer relationship with their child.

Still, some people have a particularly tough time due to confounding circumstances. Even when that’s not the case, there are practices that help make the transition easier. Here’s Brunette’s advice.

Prepare for a Smooth Transition in Advance

In general, the more prepared you are for this transition, the better it is likely to go, Brunette said. Investing in the relationship throughout your child’s life by prioritizing family time and creating family rituals that help you connect with one another will go a long way.

But if you haven’t had an ideal relationship with your child, don’t spend a lot of time on regret, she said. Instead, look forward to what you can do to build the relationship now. “I’ve seen it many times where the relationship wasn’t necessarily as close as anyone would have wanted it, but with vulnerability, with humility, relationships can grow at almost any age.”

In the months running up to your child’s departure, have conversations about what the relationship will look like after he leaves. Be open with your emotions; share your hopes and expectations with one another.

“Not in a ‘Okay, this is what we expect of you’ way,” Brunette said, “but just a sharing of emotions about the leaving and a sharing of hopes for what the relationship can look like in the future with this change.”

Be concrete: How will you communicate, and how often? As your child gets her footing in young adult life, how much help from Mom or Dad is enough—and how much is too much?

Rituals can help ease the transition, too. Some families have a special meal or sending-off gathering. A family blessing can be powerful, too, Brunette said.

“It provides a ritual that is memorable and where everyone is able to share perhaps what they will miss about that person, but also their hopes for that person,” she said. “It gives that person a sense of ‘sending forth,’ but also that sense of, ‘you can still find support here.’ Even though you’re going out, you have our love, you have our support.”

Remind your child, too, that by virtue of her baptism, she has been commissioned to bring the Gospel out into the world. This is a new phase of that ongoing, lifelong mission.

 

Embrace a New Relationship

One strategy that can help to blunt the sense of loss you might feel when a child leaves home is to very intentionally focus on what gifts will emerge from the change.

“There’s a joy that often happens when that child comes back a semester later, a year later, and you witness so much growth,” Brunette said. “And you’re able to have a different kind of relationship with that adult child that just can be so special.”

At the same time, the transition to independent young adulthood—whatever it looks like—puts both you and your child on new ground, and it can take a while to find your footing.

“You have to recognize what you can control and what you can’t,” Brunette said.

Don’t make the mistake of demanding, lecturing, or guilt-tripping your young adult child. Not only do such strategies not work, but they can push her away. “The most influential thing is to have a good relationship.”

She regularly recommends Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Your Adult Sons and Daughters by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak (also of the Pastoral Solutions Institute). The book explains how to nurture your relationship with your adult child, and how to support him or her without endorsing choices you don’t agree with.

“We all make mistakes; we all go through ups and downs with our faith life. Your adult children are going to make mistakes, too,” Brunette said. “And that’s okay. That’s how we learn. So try not to push what you think they should do, unless they ask. If they invite your advice, that’s fine. But if they don’t, don’t give it; just focus on the relationship.”

 

What If It Doesn’t Get Better?

It’s normal to feel sad, lonely, or blue for a few days or weeks after your child leaves home. But sometimes, the transition can trigger bigger issues, Brunette said. She named a few examples:

  •  Loss of identity. If your own identity has revolved around your role as a parent, or if you have an especially close relationship with your child, you might be thrown into an identity crisis, wondering, “What am I going to do with myself now?”
  • Marital problems. Without kids in the house, long-simmering marital problems can suddenly come into focus.
  • Dealing with past trauma. If you experienced past trauma, especially neglect or abuse, the departure of your child might bring all of those issues to the surface again. “if you’re really feeling strong emotions about being left or being alone, that perhaps could connect to some past experience that was really difficult,” Brunette said.

If you are dealing with any of these issues or experiencing symptoms of significant depression—for instance, you’re struggling to get up and get through the ordinary tasks of the day—then you may need to reach out for professional help.

But whether the transition is easy or fraught, Brunette always encourages parents to turn to God in prayer.

“Just trust that God is with you and with your child,” she said. “You can let go of that burden of feeling like you have to take care of that child like you used to. After all, this is what we raised them for.”

To connect with Brunette or more than a dozen other Pastoral Counselors about this or other life events, visit CatholicCounselors.org.