Angry at God Over a Painful Loss? Don’t Walk Away; Let Him Know All About It

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For a month and a half, Walt watched his wife suffer through her final illness. A former Marine, he had always been the protector, and now he could only stand by.

“Vietnam was like a cakewalk compared to what I went through,” he told Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak when he called in to their More2Life radio show. When she died, his faith collapsed. “If there is a God — I hope there is, because I just want to go up there and settle this situation, him letting my wife suffer the way that he did.”

Walt’s anger was both natural and not an uncommon response to an unjust, painful loss like his. For many Christians, though, getting angry at God seems transgressive, even sinful — something to stuff or “get over,” at best.

But as the Popcaks explained, getting angry at God isn’t “out of line” at all. In fact, expressing that anger in a frank, matter-of-fact way is actually a hallmark of a healthy relationship with God — and a good start toward the long process of healing in the wake of a painful loss.

The Kind of Relationship God Actually Wants

“You said you hope there is a God because you’d like to go up there and settle this man to man,” Dr. Popcak told Walt. “And I think that’s great, actually. That’s exactly what God wants you to do.

“I want you to say all the horrible things that you might think you’re not allowed to say to God,” Dr. Popcak said. “And keep fighting with him every day until he gives you the answers that you’re looking for, because he will.”

Why is expressing that rage and anger the right thing to do? Well, for one thing, it honestly acknowledges that things aren’t as they should be.

For another, sharing your anger with God maintains an open, honest relationship.

And finally, bringing your wounded heart to God allows him to heal it.

We’re Behind Enemy Lines

When Walt raged against a God who would let his wife suffer, Dr. Popcak didn’t defend the suffering as part of some hidden plan. In fact, the world where a good woman dies in agony is not the world God made.

As Dr. Popcak put it, “As Christians, we live behind enemy lines.” That is to say, we live in a world that God made very good, but it is also a world damaged by sin. Suffering is a sign that something has gone very wrong, and Walt’s anger acknowledges that deep truth. The ache we feel in grief, the Popcaks say, is “an ancient memory that this is not how things were supposed to be.”

Honesty Keeps the Door Open

The real danger in grief isn’t anger; it’s shutting down.

“The only way that you will get stuck in this pain is if you don’t be honest with God, if you say, ‘That’s it, I’m done,’” Lisa told Walt. “But if you tell him how angry you are, if you tell him how scared you are, if you tell him how lonely and hurt you are, and keep allowing him to hear that from you, you’re allowing that door to stay open to him being able to heal you.”

This stance is backed up by Scripture and the tradition of the Church. Jacob famously wrestled with God, Dr. Popcak pointed out: “That’s how God proved that he was God. I think God might be calling you to do that, too.”

Pope St. John Paul II and other church leaders have pointed to the psalms as a template for expressing the full range of human emotions to God in prayer. The psalms, the pope said, express “joy, gratitude, thanksgiving, love, tenderness, enthusiasm, but also intense suffering, complaint, pleas for help and for justice, which sometimes lead to anger and imprecation.” In fact, about a third of the psalms express lament, complaint, and anger.

The saints contended with the fierce anger that Walt felt, too. St. Jane Frances de Chantal, after her husband was shot in a hunting accident, bargained desperately with God to let him live. That didn’t happen, and it took years under the spiritual guidance of her mentor, St. Francis de Sales, before she reached peace and forgiveness. She didn’t get there by turning away from God, but by turning toward God through honest, persistent prayer.

Healing Doesn’t Mean ‘Letting Go’; It Means Staying Connected

Keeping your relationship with God open is key to letting him heal your hurt, Lisa told Walt. She offered an analogy to the way a loving parent responds to a toddler who is really upset. That loving parent picks the child up and holds them close, but that can’t happen if the toddler runs away and hides.

And for Christians, keeping that relationship with God strong is a way to stay connected with loved ones who have died. As the Popcaks explained, grieving well doesn’t mean “moving on” and getting back to “normal.” Instead, grief calls Christians to find new, healthy ways to stay connected to the people we’ve lost.

“Death changes our relationship with our loved ones, but it doesn’t end it,” Dr. Popcak said.

“You can still talk to her,” Lisa told Walt. “Talk to her and say, ’Honey, I’m losing it down here. I’m so angry at God. I’m so frustrated that you went through what you went through. I miss you so much. Pray for me that I can get through this with God.’”

Grief calls us to cooperate with God “to bring good out of evil, to bring healing out of suffering, to bring meaning out of meaninglessness,” Dr. Popcak said.

Four Things to Do When You’re Grieving a Painful Loss

If you’re grieving and furious, here are a few things the Popcaks would have you try.

  1. Tell God the truth, all of it. Don’t edit your prayers down to what’s acceptable. Say the angry thing, the accusing thing, the frightened thing: Lord, I don’t understand why you let this happen, and I’m furious. Keep saying it until you sense him answering.
  2. Refuse to go silent. The temptation in deep pain is to close the door and handle it alone, and that’s the one move that keeps you stuck.
  3. Stay connected to the person you lost. Talk to your loved one. Ask them to pray for you. Keep a tradition alive, or live out something they taught you.
  4. Ask what God wants to bring out of this. Not “why did this happen,” but “what do you want to teach me, and how do you want me to respond?” Meaning is what grief most often lacks, and it’s what God is most willing to supply.

Committing to the Fight

None of this advice diminishes the pain, the Popcaks acknowledge. What they promise is that fighting the enemy alongside God is worth it.

“If you commit to that fight,” Dr. Popcak told Walt, “he will show you that he is God in a way that you will experience as merciful and loving and healing.”

If you’re grieving a loss and struggling to move forward, reach out to the faithful, professional pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com. You may also find help in Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book The Life God Wants You to Have, on discovering God’s plan when your own plans have fallen apart.

How to Have Healthy Conflict That Improves Your Relationships

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Conflict often gets a bad rap. Many of us grow up thinking it’s best to avoid it—especially with those we love.

But conflict—that is, a disagreement between two people about priorities, values, and goals—is an inevitable part of human relationships. And according to Mark Kolodziej, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, conflict doesn’t have to be something we fear. In fact, when handled well, conflict can actually strengthen relationships, fostering growth and mutual respect.

“Conflict is not a bad thing,” Kolodziej says. “It actually is beneficial and healthy for families and for couples.”

Avoiding conflict, he adds, ultimately hurts relationships, letting problems fester instead of being addressed.

 

Keys to Creative, Constructive, Respectful Conflict

How can we approach conflict in ways that help us grow and strengthen our relationships? Kolodziej suggests several strategies.

Reframe Conflict as a Team Challenge

For many people, the words “conflict” and “fight” are nearly synonymous: conflict is seen as a contest in which there is a high risk of getting hurt, and which is resolved when one person “wins” and the other “loses.”

But Kolodziej suggests seeing conflict as a challenge two people can tackle together, an exercise in teamwork. In this problem-solving approach, “the relationship is more important than being right,” he says.

 

Focus on High-Impact Problems

Choosing which conflicts to put time and energy into is also key; you don’t necessarily want to spend a lot of time on low-impact differences, like what show to watch or where to eat.

“We need to look at what is impacting our relationship the most?” Kolodziej says. He suggests prioritizing issues that are undermining the relationship or causing you to sin. Notice your emotions—if an issue causes regret, resentment, or anxiety, it’s likely a conflict worth addressing.

 

Clarify Each Person’s Wants or Needs

Conflict often arises when one or both people feel their needs aren’t met. Kolodziej suggests beginning by identifying and clearly communicating those needs on both sides.

“And then we look at the gap between what that person needs and what I need, and we try to triangulate it (to find) a way that we can both get our needs met,” Kolodziej says.

If each side’s needs or wants aren’t clearly identified, the conversation can hit a snag. Kolodziej often asks his clients to define what they need, but many struggle with this. For example, someone might say, “I need my spouse to be nice to me,” but when Kolodziej follows up to ask what “nice” looks like more specifically, they can’t say.

Clarity is essential. “You’ll never satisfy someone’s needs until they know what they need,” Kolodziej explains. But if the person is able to name what “nice” looks like, “then all of a sudden it becomes real and it becomes achievable.”

 

Avoid the Landmines of Contempt and Defensiveness

Kolodziej identifies two “landmines” that can sink constructive relationship problem-solving.

One is contempt, which Kolodziej says is “the one behavior that destroys relationships faster than anything else.” It is okay to criticize someone for what they have done (“You leave all the chores for me to do”), but attacking someone’s character (“You’re lazy and selfish”) crosses over into contempt.

If you are on the receiving end of the other person’s contempt, Kolodziej suggests responding with these powerful words: “If you’re trying to hurt me, it’s working.” 

Ideally, that will reset the conversation. But if it doesn’t, it might be time to walk away from the conversation, at least for a while.

The other landmine is being overly defensive when it would be more appropriate to take responsibility for your actions.

“Defensiveness is probably one of the greatest contributors to not resolving conflicts,” Kolodziej says. “As soon as we justify (our actions), then we’re basically saying, ‘I’m not guilty. I did it, but the devil made me do it.’ Or: ‘I did it because you did this first and I’m just getting even with you.’”

A more effective response to a legitimate complaint is to take ownership of your role: “You can say, ‘I did this part or that part, you have every right to be upset with me.’ No ‘if,’ ‘and,’ or ‘but,’ just simply, ‘Yeah, I did it.’”

Monitor Your “Emotional Temperature”

Watch your “emotional temperature” during conflict. Dr. Greg Popcak, Kolodziej’s colleague, developed an “emotional thermometer” that uses a scale of 1 to 10 to gauge emotional intensity. If your emotional temperature hits 8 or higher, Kolodziej recommends a break, with a commitment to reconvene later when emotions have cooled.

 

An Investment in Relationship

Most conflicts can be resolved when both parties respect these ground rules, Kolodziej says, although some conflicts—like one partner wanting children and the other not—may not have a win-win resolution. In these cases, couples must decide whether the relationship is more valuable than the unresolved issue. And if the other person values “winning” over the relationship, it might be time to set boundaries, Kolodziej advises: “If the person is toxic, if they keep attacking and won’t change their behaviors, maybe that’s a relationship that’s best not to continue–at least not in the same way.”

Overall, though, entering conflicts with a creative, cooperative attitude can lead to greater love and connection between two people.

“Every conflict that you have, you invest in that relationship,” he says. “People who have no conflicts and then all of a sudden have one, that might destroy them. But people who are frequently resolving conflicts respectfully are building a relationship that is very, very tight, that is indestructible.”

If you need more help with a conflict in your life, head over to the bookstore at CatholicCounselors.com, where you will find many books on this topic. Or connect with Mark Kolodziej or another pastoral counselor by reaching out to CatholicCounselors.com.

How to Turn Your Anger Into Healthy, Holy Action

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Should Christians get angry? And when they do, how should they handle it?

Attempting to answer those questions on a recent episode of the More2Life radio show, Bill Donaghy, senior lecturer at the Theology of the Body Institute, pointed to a scene near the climax of the Star Wars movie, The Phantom Menace.

Two Jedi knights are battling the evil Sith Lord, Darth Maul. Their lightsaber battle rages through a power plant until a “laser gate” suddenly closes, separating the two sides. As they wait for the gate to open, the Sith warrior paces back and forth like a caged animal, twirling his double-bladed lightsaber and glaring angrily at the Jedi. One of the Jedi reacts very differently, though: he falls to his knees and closes his eyes in a kind of prayer.

The scene illustrates two very different ways of handling anger, Donaghy told Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, and points to a key Christian insight about anger. Feeling anger isn’t sinful: “Be angry, but do not sin,” St. Paul told the early Christians (Ephesians 4:26).

Instead, it is what we do with our anger that matters.

Anger vs. Wrath

“Anger is meant to be a gift that calls our attention to an injustice and motivates us to act in proportionate, appropriate, and productive ways so that we can heal whatever that injustice might be,” Dr. Popcak said.

Anger that is appropriately channeled into setting things right—“righteous anger”—is better than unreasonable patience with evil, St. John Chrysostom, a doctor of the Church, once said: “He who is not angry when he has good reason to be, sins. Unreasonable patience is the hotbed of many vices.”

Wrath, on the other hand, is sinful. Wrath is “anger that is inappropriate, disproportionate, and unproductive,” Dr. Popcak said. While righteous anger aims to restore and heal, wrath seeks to destroy.

If anger is a gift from God—a signal that something is wrong that needs to be put right—then how do we handle this powerful emotion in a way that serves the good? Here are a few tips.

 

Don’t React; Instead, Step Back

The key to handling anger well is to avoid being reactive. Instead of launching into a hasty response fueled by the chemicals flooding your brain, pause, step back, and consider what is really driving your anger.

Is it really the thing in front of you that is provoking your anger, or is the thing in front of you stirring up old wounds? Is your child’s whining the real problem—or is the deeper problem that you are hungry and exhausted?

Understanding the real source of your anger is critical to addressing it in a proportionate, productive way.

 

Sublimate Your Anger to God

As you are collecting your thoughts, pray for the grace you need to handle the situation well.

“Anger isn’t so much a call to action as a call to prayer,” Dr. Popcak said. “Without prayer, anger can cause us to feel stuck, powerless, and perpetually outraged with no solution in sight.”

“We have to stop and say to the Lord: ‘Lord, I’m a mess,’” Lisa Popcak added. “’Everything is dysregulated inside of me because I feel like there’s an injustice happening. You went through the worst injustice possible. Show me what to do with this.’”

In the language of the Theology of the Body, your goal should be to sublimate your anger to God. Sublimation is not about repressing or denying your anger, Donaghy said; it is about “lifting it up to God, giving it to God and asking God to come into it.”

 

Learn to Express Anger Constructively

Righteous anger focuses on setting things right and finding solutions. In other words, it has a constructive purpose.

Setting boundaries for a respectful discussion can help. In a conflict with your spouse, for example, you might agree that each of you has a right to express their thoughts and feelings, but that it is not acceptable to express those thoughts and feelings in a disrespectful or destructive way.

Similarly, constructive anger focuses on finding solutions that address the concerns of all parties involved. The priority ought to be healing, restoring, and strengthening relationships, not “winning,” which only fosters resentment and fuels the cycle of angry conflict.

 

Don’t Be Afraid to Seek Help

Sometimes, dealing with anger —yours or someone else’s— requires some extra help. You can find Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s advice about handling anger in many of their books, particularly Parenting with Grace (for handling kids’ anger), Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart (for anger as a gift from God), How to Heal Your Marriage & Nurture Lasting Love (for handling anger in a marriage), and God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People (self-explanatory, really).

And for more in-depth, one-on-one help, reach out to one of the many pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

How Anger Can Be Effective

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Guest post by Dr. Mark Kolodziej, Pastoral Counselor with CatholicCounselors.com.

“Anger is not the issue, anger management is what is important!”

 

Anger is a natural progression of unmet needs. It would be easy to assume that once an individual’s needs have been met, the anger would go away, however this is not always true. When we have unmet needs we learn certain behaviors that become knee jerk reactions, these become habits. These conditioned responses persist even when there is no need. Similar to a law that has been developed because there is a need for the law. When the need disappears, the law often persists for long periods of time, sometimes centuries.

First we must identify what our needs are, then we must develop strategies to meet our needs, and finally we must use effective tools to be able to deal with our inappropriate anger response that persists even after the need has been met.

It is important to note that anger, when used appropriately, is a very effective and necessary tool for us to navigate the world. Knowing how and when to use emotions makes us more effective at life and in making a difference in people’s lives. Learning how to use the graces that God gives us helps us to bring our souls back to God and others who are in our lives. 

I have developed a program–Refrain-Freedom From Anger–that helps participants meet their needs and effectively manage anger in a healthy and grace filled way.

A new Refrain course is starting soon! Learn more about Refrain and my work as a Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselor.com! 

 

Dr. Mark Kolodziej, Pastoral Counselor, CatholicCounselors.com.

How To Make Our Anger Result in Action

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There are lots of things for us to be angry about, but new research shows we often don’t do anything about it.

A new study out of Carnegie Mellon University reveals that we typically become angry about two types of injustices. First, when a bad thing happens to a good person and second when a good thing happens to a “bad” person despite their bad behavior. 

In the first instance—such as when a natural disaster devastates a town—the research shows that we have a desire to help, but usually only in a nominal way. Dr. Jeffrey Galak, an associate professor of marketing in the university’s Tepper School of Business states, “When a hurricane happens, we want to help, but we give them 10 bucks. We don’t try to build them a new house.” 

While donating $10 can be meaningful and helpful, our reaction to this type of injustice usually does not result in action on a grander or more effective scale.

Likewise, when we react to the second type of injustice—when a good thing happens to bad people—the research demonstrates that more often than not we don’t do anything at all. According to Dr. Galak, “That’s because people often feel that the forces at play in creating the unfair situation are beyond their control, or would at least be too personally costly to make the effort worthwhile.”

So how do we use our anger to take action in a way that leads to effective change?

1. Take it to God—First and foremost, take your anger to God. Tell Him how you are feeling and even what you would like to do about the situation. Then listen. Allow God to direct your response in a way that glorifies Him and leads to an appropriate response to the circumstance.

2. Address your concerns. If you have a problem with someone—a problem that is causing you to view that individual  as a bad person—it is best to address your concerns with that person in a respectful and clear way. Be honest with the individual—but not blaming—about your feelings. Share with them what you need to heal and feel supported. Moreover, it is best to talk through small problems before they become big problems.

3. Don’t let your anger consume you. When you are feeling overwhelmed by anger make an effort to focus on the blessings in your life. Make a list of three things you are grateful for each day and thank God for those happy blessings. 

For more on how to deal with infuriating people or situations check out “God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!” and “God Help Me! This Stress Is Driving Me Crazy!”

Can You Be Mindful And Still Feel Angry?

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Mindfulness is a powerful technique for helping individuals develop a healthier relationship with their emotions.  Unfortunately, many individuals have fallen under the misunderstanding that practicing mindfulness means they will be completely at peace at all times. Then, when this doesn’t occur, they become more upset or believe that mindfulness doesn’t work.

To combat this, we must first understand what mindfulness really is. Mindfulness is, essentially,  the ability to experience your emotions fully without feeling controlled by those emotions. Mindfulness allows you to observe your emotions without “feeling like those emotions are so unbearable that you have to engage in dysregulated behavior (substance use, overeating, self-injury, etc) to ‘turn them off.’”

In other words, mindfulness does not cause us to “stop feeling” and always be in a state of peace. If this were the case, mindfulness would in some ways be detrimental since emotions are there to help us function. For example, “Anger helps us stand up for ourselves and motivates us to fight against injustice.” Instead, mindfulness, particularly when practice with a mental-health professional, “can help anger and other emotions feel more tolerable and easier to manage so you are less likely to feel controlled by your emotions.”

For more information on how to experience your emotions through mindfulness check out Calming The Emotional Storm