How to Have Healthy Conflict That Improves Your Relationships

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Conflict often gets a bad rap. Many of us grow up thinking it’s best to avoid it—especially with those we love.

But conflict—that is, a disagreement between two people about priorities, values, and goals—is an inevitable part of human relationships. And according to Mark Kolodziej, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, conflict doesn’t have to be something we fear. In fact, when handled well, conflict can actually strengthen relationships, fostering growth and mutual respect.

“Conflict is not a bad thing,” Kolodziej says. “It actually is beneficial and healthy for families and for couples.”

Avoiding conflict, he adds, ultimately hurts relationships, letting problems fester instead of being addressed.

 

Keys to Creative, Constructive, Respectful Conflict

How can we approach conflict in ways that help us grow and strengthen our relationships? Kolodziej suggests several strategies.

Reframe Conflict as a Team Challenge

For many people, the words “conflict” and “fight” are nearly synonymous: conflict is seen as a contest in which there is a high risk of getting hurt, and which is resolved when one person “wins” and the other “loses.”

But Kolodziej suggests seeing conflict as a challenge two people can tackle together, an exercise in teamwork. In this problem-solving approach, “the relationship is more important than being right,” he says.

 

Focus on High-Impact Problems

Choosing which conflicts to put time and energy into is also key; you don’t necessarily want to spend a lot of time on low-impact differences, like what show to watch or where to eat.

“We need to look at what is impacting our relationship the most?” Kolodziej says. He suggests prioritizing issues that are undermining the relationship or causing you to sin. Notice your emotions—if an issue causes regret, resentment, or anxiety, it’s likely a conflict worth addressing.

 

Clarify Each Person’s Wants or Needs

Conflict often arises when one or both people feel their needs aren’t met. Kolodziej suggests beginning by identifying and clearly communicating those needs on both sides.

“And then we look at the gap between what that person needs and what I need, and we try to triangulate it (to find) a way that we can both get our needs met,” Kolodziej says.

If each side’s needs or wants aren’t clearly identified, the conversation can hit a snag. Kolodziej often asks his clients to define what they need, but many struggle with this. For example, someone might say, “I need my spouse to be nice to me,” but when Kolodziej follows up to ask what “nice” looks like more specifically, they can’t say.

Clarity is essential. “You’ll never satisfy someone’s needs until they know what they need,” Kolodziej explains. But if the person is able to name what “nice” looks like, “then all of a sudden it becomes real and it becomes achievable.”

 

Avoid the Landmines of Contempt and Defensiveness

Kolodziej identifies two “landmines” that can sink constructive relationship problem-solving.

One is contempt, which Kolodziej says is “the one behavior that destroys relationships faster than anything else.” It is okay to criticize someone for what they have done (“You leave all the chores for me to do”), but attacking someone’s character (“You’re lazy and selfish”) crosses over into contempt.

If you are on the receiving end of the other person’s contempt, Kolodziej suggests responding with these powerful words: “If you’re trying to hurt me, it’s working.” 

Ideally, that will reset the conversation. But if it doesn’t, it might be time to walk away from the conversation, at least for a while.

The other landmine is being overly defensive when it would be more appropriate to take responsibility for your actions.

“Defensiveness is probably one of the greatest contributors to not resolving conflicts,” Kolodziej says. “As soon as we justify (our actions), then we’re basically saying, ‘I’m not guilty. I did it, but the devil made me do it.’ Or: ‘I did it because you did this first and I’m just getting even with you.’”

A more effective response to a legitimate complaint is to take ownership of your role: “You can say, ‘I did this part or that part, you have every right to be upset with me.’ No ‘if,’ ‘and,’ or ‘but,’ just simply, ‘Yeah, I did it.’”

Monitor Your “Emotional Temperature”

Watch your “emotional temperature” during conflict. Dr. Greg Popcak, Kolodziej’s colleague, developed an “emotional thermometer” that uses a scale of 1 to 10 to gauge emotional intensity. If your emotional temperature hits 8 or higher, Kolodziej recommends a break, with a commitment to reconvene later when emotions have cooled.

 

An Investment in Relationship

Most conflicts can be resolved when both parties respect these ground rules, Kolodziej says, although some conflicts—like one partner wanting children and the other not—may not have a win-win resolution. In these cases, couples must decide whether the relationship is more valuable than the unresolved issue. And if the other person values “winning” over the relationship, it might be time to set boundaries, Kolodziej advises: “If the person is toxic, if they keep attacking and won’t change their behaviors, maybe that’s a relationship that’s best not to continue–at least not in the same way.”

Overall, though, entering conflicts with a creative, cooperative attitude can lead to greater love and connection between two people.

“Every conflict that you have, you invest in that relationship,” he says. “People who have no conflicts and then all of a sudden have one, that might destroy them. But people who are frequently resolving conflicts respectfully are building a relationship that is very, very tight, that is indestructible.”

If you need more help with a conflict in your life, head over to the bookstore at CatholicCounselors.com, where you will find many books on this topic. Or connect with Mark Kolodziej or another pastoral counselor by reaching out to CatholicCounselors.com.

How to Turn Your Anger Into Healthy, Holy Action

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Should Christians get angry? And when they do, how should they handle it?

Attempting to answer those questions on a recent episode of the More2Life radio show, Bill Donaghy, senior lecturer at the Theology of the Body Institute, pointed to a scene near the climax of the Star Wars movie, The Phantom Menace.

Two Jedi knights are battling the evil Sith Lord, Darth Maul. Their lightsaber battle rages through a power plant until a “laser gate” suddenly closes, separating the two sides. As they wait for the gate to open, the Sith warrior paces back and forth like a caged animal, twirling his double-bladed lightsaber and glaring angrily at the Jedi. One of the Jedi reacts very differently, though: he falls to his knees and closes his eyes in a kind of prayer.

The scene illustrates two very different ways of handling anger, Donaghy told Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, and points to a key Christian insight about anger. Feeling anger isn’t sinful: “Be angry, but do not sin,” St. Paul told the early Christians (Ephesians 4:26).

Instead, it is what we do with our anger that matters.

Anger vs. Wrath

“Anger is meant to be a gift that calls our attention to an injustice and motivates us to act in proportionate, appropriate, and productive ways so that we can heal whatever that injustice might be,” Dr. Popcak said.

Anger that is appropriately channeled into setting things right—“righteous anger”—is better than unreasonable patience with evil, St. John Chrysostom, a doctor of the Church, once said: “He who is not angry when he has good reason to be, sins. Unreasonable patience is the hotbed of many vices.”

Wrath, on the other hand, is sinful. Wrath is “anger that is inappropriate, disproportionate, and unproductive,” Dr. Popcak said. While righteous anger aims to restore and heal, wrath seeks to destroy.

If anger is a gift from God—a signal that something is wrong that needs to be put right—then how do we handle this powerful emotion in a way that serves the good? Here are a few tips.

 

Don’t React; Instead, Step Back

The key to handling anger well is to avoid being reactive. Instead of launching into a hasty response fueled by the chemicals flooding your brain, pause, step back, and consider what is really driving your anger.

Is it really the thing in front of you that is provoking your anger, or is the thing in front of you stirring up old wounds? Is your child’s whining the real problem—or is the deeper problem that you are hungry and exhausted?

Understanding the real source of your anger is critical to addressing it in a proportionate, productive way.

 

Sublimate Your Anger to God

As you are collecting your thoughts, pray for the grace you need to handle the situation well.

“Anger isn’t so much a call to action as a call to prayer,” Dr. Popcak said. “Without prayer, anger can cause us to feel stuck, powerless, and perpetually outraged with no solution in sight.”

“We have to stop and say to the Lord: ‘Lord, I’m a mess,’” Lisa Popcak added. “’Everything is dysregulated inside of me because I feel like there’s an injustice happening. You went through the worst injustice possible. Show me what to do with this.’”

In the language of the Theology of the Body, your goal should be to sublimate your anger to God. Sublimation is not about repressing or denying your anger, Donaghy said; it is about “lifting it up to God, giving it to God and asking God to come into it.”

 

Learn to Express Anger Constructively

Righteous anger focuses on setting things right and finding solutions. In other words, it has a constructive purpose.

Setting boundaries for a respectful discussion can help. In a conflict with your spouse, for example, you might agree that each of you has a right to express their thoughts and feelings, but that it is not acceptable to express those thoughts and feelings in a disrespectful or destructive way.

Similarly, constructive anger focuses on finding solutions that address the concerns of all parties involved. The priority ought to be healing, restoring, and strengthening relationships, not “winning,” which only fosters resentment and fuels the cycle of angry conflict.

 

Don’t Be Afraid to Seek Help

Sometimes, dealing with anger —yours or someone else’s— requires some extra help. You can find Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s advice about handling anger in many of their books, particularly Parenting with Grace (for handling kids’ anger), Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart (for anger as a gift from God), How to Heal Your Marriage & Nurture Lasting Love (for handling anger in a marriage), and God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People (self-explanatory, really).

And for more in-depth, one-on-one help, reach out to one of the many pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

How Anger Can Be Effective

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Guest post by Dr. Mark Kolodziej, Pastoral Counselor with CatholicCounselors.com.

“Anger is not the issue, anger management is what is important!”

 

Anger is a natural progression of unmet needs. It would be easy to assume that once an individual’s needs have been met, the anger would go away, however this is not always true. When we have unmet needs we learn certain behaviors that become knee jerk reactions, these become habits. These conditioned responses persist even when there is no need. Similar to a law that has been developed because there is a need for the law. When the need disappears, the law often persists for long periods of time, sometimes centuries.

First we must identify what our needs are, then we must develop strategies to meet our needs, and finally we must use effective tools to be able to deal with our inappropriate anger response that persists even after the need has been met.

It is important to note that anger, when used appropriately, is a very effective and necessary tool for us to navigate the world. Knowing how and when to use emotions makes us more effective at life and in making a difference in people’s lives. Learning how to use the graces that God gives us helps us to bring our souls back to God and others who are in our lives. 

I have developed a program–Refrain-Freedom From Anger–that helps participants meet their needs and effectively manage anger in a healthy and grace filled way.

A new Refrain course is starting soon! Learn more about Refrain and my work as a Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselor.com! 

 

Dr. Mark Kolodziej, Pastoral Counselor, CatholicCounselors.com.

How To Make Our Anger Result in Action

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There are lots of things for us to be angry about, but new research shows we often don’t do anything about it.

A new study out of Carnegie Mellon University reveals that we typically become angry about two types of injustices. First, when a bad thing happens to a good person and second when a good thing happens to a “bad” person despite their bad behavior. 

In the first instance—such as when a natural disaster devastates a town—the research shows that we have a desire to help, but usually only in a nominal way. Dr. Jeffrey Galak, an associate professor of marketing in the university’s Tepper School of Business states, “When a hurricane happens, we want to help, but we give them 10 bucks. We don’t try to build them a new house.” 

While donating $10 can be meaningful and helpful, our reaction to this type of injustice usually does not result in action on a grander or more effective scale.

Likewise, when we react to the second type of injustice—when a good thing happens to bad people—the research demonstrates that more often than not we don’t do anything at all. According to Dr. Galak, “That’s because people often feel that the forces at play in creating the unfair situation are beyond their control, or would at least be too personally costly to make the effort worthwhile.”

So how do we use our anger to take action in a way that leads to effective change?

1. Take it to God—First and foremost, take your anger to God. Tell Him how you are feeling and even what you would like to do about the situation. Then listen. Allow God to direct your response in a way that glorifies Him and leads to an appropriate response to the circumstance.

2. Address your concerns. If you have a problem with someone—a problem that is causing you to view that individual  as a bad person—it is best to address your concerns with that person in a respectful and clear way. Be honest with the individual—but not blaming—about your feelings. Share with them what you need to heal and feel supported. Moreover, it is best to talk through small problems before they become big problems.

3. Don’t let your anger consume you. When you are feeling overwhelmed by anger make an effort to focus on the blessings in your life. Make a list of three things you are grateful for each day and thank God for those happy blessings. 

For more on how to deal with infuriating people or situations check out “God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!” and “God Help Me! This Stress Is Driving Me Crazy!”

Can You Be Mindful And Still Feel Angry?

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Mindfulness is a powerful technique for helping individuals develop a healthier relationship with their emotions.  Unfortunately, many individuals have fallen under the misunderstanding that practicing mindfulness means they will be completely at peace at all times. Then, when this doesn’t occur, they become more upset or believe that mindfulness doesn’t work.

To combat this, we must first understand what mindfulness really is. Mindfulness is, essentially,  the ability to experience your emotions fully without feeling controlled by those emotions. Mindfulness allows you to observe your emotions without “feeling like those emotions are so unbearable that you have to engage in dysregulated behavior (substance use, overeating, self-injury, etc) to ‘turn them off.’”

In other words, mindfulness does not cause us to “stop feeling” and always be in a state of peace. If this were the case, mindfulness would in some ways be detrimental since emotions are there to help us function. For example, “Anger helps us stand up for ourselves and motivates us to fight against injustice.” Instead, mindfulness, particularly when practice with a mental-health professional, “can help anger and other emotions feel more tolerable and easier to manage so you are less likely to feel controlled by your emotions.”

For more information on how to experience your emotions through mindfulness check out Calming The Emotional Storm 

Reclaim the Calm: 5 Hints for Healing an Angry Heart

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Image from Shutterstock. Used with Permission.

Image from Shutterstock. Used with Permission.

No one likes to be angry, but we all do become angry from time to time–and we all have to contend with the anger of others fairly regularly.  Christians have a difficult relationship with anger.  Intellectually, we know that anger is a natural part of the human experience; it is an emotion like any other.  But we also know that anger can be sinful.

Lisa Hendey has a terrific post about an angry week she’s having and the poor fruit that struggle with anger is bearing in her life.  She asks for prayers and I’ll certainly be offering up a few for her, but her comments prompted me to offer some musings on anger and how to manage it…gracefully.

Anger or Wrath?

Properly ordered, anger is actually an emotional gift God gives us, prompting us to take effective action in the face of an injustice.  Righteous anger spurs us on to identify the problem and make a plan for resolving it.  In this sense, anger isn’t a sin at all but rather a blessing.  Wrath, or sinful anger, is another story.  In my latest book, Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart I explore how wrath is a really distortion of the Divine Longing for Justice–one of the seven longings that God has hard-wired into each of us that is intended to lead to our perfection and draw us closer to him, but has been distorted by sin.

Wrathful anger causes us to respond to problems, offenses, disorder, and injustices in ways that make the existing situation worse for ourselves and/or others.  That’s why it’s sinful. Anger, itself, is just a tool.  If we wield it in a manner that helps us clarify the nature of our problem and then take active, intentional steps to resolve it, then it is righteous, godly anger that does us credit and gives God glory.   It is this kind of righteous anger that our Divine Longing for Justice is intended to fuel.  It is measured.  It is intentional.  It is proportionate.  It is productive.  It is for this reason Jesus blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice.

If, on the other hand, we wield our anger in a manner that causes us to lash out at others, pile on misery, or injure ourselves in some way, then we are using our anger in a sinful manner that adds to the already existing injustice.  Popularly speaking, the word “wrath” tends to conjure up images of Ghengis Khan burning down a village in some violent rampage, but wrath doesn’t have to be so dramatic. Most expressions of wrath are much more pedestrian and banal.  We pick at our spouse’s smallest failings. We pout and mope.  We yell at our children just for being children.  We engage in self-indulgent habits and behaviors that give us momentary, albeit self-destructive, relief that does nothing to respond to the problem-at-hand.  All of these things are common examples of how wrath can wreck our day and rule our life.

The Way Out

When we experience wrath, we often try to control it by shaming ourselves or trying to squelch it altogether.  “I shouldn’t feel that way. Just stop it already” we day to ourselves along with other messages of self-recrimination.   But these approaches inevitably fail.  As I argue in Broken Gods, the only healthy way to resolve our struggle with wrath is to do the following.

1.  Step Back and Back Off.

Remember that what is driving your wrath is not your weakness or badness or brokenness, but rather a sign that you are responding–poorly–to your Divine Longing for Justice.  Something in your life is out of order. Something is amiss.  Beating up on yourself doesn’t solve that.  It only makes things worse.  Stop picking on yourself.  Instead, direct your emotional energy toward addressing your divine longing for justice.

2. Pray and Think.

Once you have reconnected with the divine purpose of your anger (i.e. the longing for justice), take a moment to ask God for clarity.  What is the problem that you are reacting to?  What is the injustice that needs to be addressed; the problem that needs to be solved?  Write down your thoughts about what, exactly, you think is wrong.

3.  Pray and Plan.

Now ask God for clarity about what he would like you to do to address the problem.  Ignoring it is NOT an option.  If that was going to work, you wouldn’t be struggling with wrath in the first place.  In the words of Pope St. Gregory the Great, “thoughts seethe all the more when corralled by the violent guard of an indiscreet silence.”  Once wrath has been engaged, the problem has gotten to big to ignore.  Make a plan.  What do you need to do to address it?  What resources do you need to gather?  Whose help do you need to enlist?

4.  Act.

Now DO something to enact your plan.  Focus the energy you were directing toward wrathful behavior and self-recrimination toward taking initial steps to address the problem that is provoking your reaction.

5. Evaluate and Adapt.

Finally, check in periodically to make sure your plan is working well and the problem is being resolved.  Adjust your plan as new information becomes available so you can maintain steady progress.  Traditionally the virtue of patience is the antidote to wrath, but patience doesn’t mean “just letting things go.”  It means being willing to take action and then allow the good efforts you are making unfold and take effect in your life.  A flower doesn’t grow faster by yelling at it or shaming it for being too slow. Give your efforts the time they need to germinate and blossom.   Practicing patience in the face of your anger means making a commitment to evaluating and adapting in response to new information as you intentionally work to address the injustices in your life and resist the temptation to rash actions.  Patience doesn’t eliminate anger.  It trains our anger so that it can be an effective tool that motivates us to respond effectively and intentionally to the injustices in our life.

Be Not Afraid

We don’t have to live in fear of our anger, and we don’t have to beat up on ourselves for getting angry.  Instead, we need to make friends with our anger by embracing the divine longing for justice that is driving the anger.  When we can do this, we can wield our righteous, godly anger as the powerful tool it is meant to be; a tool that helps drive our efforts to create order out of chaos, peace out of conflict, and restore justice in our lives.

For more help learning how to identify the divine longings that drive the parts of yourself that you like the least and how these parts can become the engines of your perfection in Christ, check out Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart.  Or, if you are struggling with ongoing problems related to  anger in your life, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to learn how our Catholic tele-counseling practice can help you find the justice and peace you are seeking.