Father Forgive Me, For I Am Angry: Further Reflections on “The Furious Mysteries”

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Image via Shutterstock.

Image via Shutterstock.

It seems like anger is the topic of the day.  Earlier, my wife and I were discussing the Christian response to anger on More2Life Radio.  Shortly after I got off the air, I came across an article titled, The Furious Mysteries  in which America’s Fr. James Martin reflects on what we are to make of Jesus’ displays of anger in Scripture.

It’s a terrific question.  What does Jesus’ anger teach us about how we should manage ours?

Anger, Wrath & the Divine Longing for Justice

Many people think that anger is a sin.  There’s a lot of confusion about what constitutes anger, which is a gift from God, and wrath, which is anger’s more diabolical cousin.  In Broken Gods:  Hope, Healing and the Seven Longing of the Human Heart I argue that wrath is a distortion of the divine longing for justice.   What do I mean?

At the dawn of creation, God created within the human person a bone deep desire to see that God’s plan for life the universe and everything was fulfilled.  This divine longing for justice, which is one of the seven longings of every human heart, was given to us by God to to help us keep and protect–and, later, restore–the balance that God created at the beginning of time.

Anger is our bodily response to the experience of injustice–it is the God-given, gut-level reaction that says, “This is not right!”   What many people refer to as “righteous anger” represents God’s call–through our body– to prayerfully seek solutions that allow his will to be done, justice to be established and proper order to be restored.  Righteous anger always leads to an intentional, proportionate, appropriate response that seeks to heal the injury and build up the body of Christ.   In each instance, Jesus’ anger in the Gospels presents an example of just that. I believe this is the key to unraveling with Fr. Martin cleverly refers to as “the Furious Mysteries.”

The Furious Mysteries–Jesus’ Anger in Scripture.

Jesus  sometimes got angry, but  he was never wrathful.  He didn’t overturn the money-changer’s tables because he was having a bad day and lost his cool.  He did it to see that God’s intentions for the temple would be respected.  He knew that any lesser attempt to demonstrate that his Father’s temple was not a shopping mall but a place of reverence would have simply been ignored.  As dramatic as it was, his behavior was an intentional, proportionate, and appropriate response to the merchants’ attempt to rob God of the honor he was due. Jesus’ display of righteous anger was an intentional effort to restore right order to the temple where His Father, not commerce, was to be the main attraction.

Likewise, when Jesus referred to the scribes and pharisees as “You snakes!  You den of vipers” (Mt 23:33) he wasn’t calling them names to be cruel like some internet troll.  He knew that using such colorful language was the only way to shock them out of their prideful belief that they could save themselves with their obsessive-compulsive adherence to the rules.   He knew that they were so convinced of their own righteousness that the only way he could shake them out of their complacency and open their hearts to the message of repentance was to compare them to the things they would never want to be, the exact opposite of what they thought they were trying to be; “whitewashed tombs”  filled with “death and dry bones” and “snakes”, representing the personification of Satan, the ultimate example of pride, himself!   Sometimes, Jesus anger was shocking, but in every instance, Jesus’ anger represented a conscious effort to see that God’s will would be done and it was always ordered to the godly good of the person/people on the receiving end of it.  His displays of anger represented an intentional, proportionate, appropriate attempt to work for the good of people whose behavior would be their undoing.

Wrath:  Anger that Wounds

But unlike righteous anger which is always intentional, proportionate and appropriate, the deadly sin of wrath represents a response that is reactive, disproportionate, and out of order.  Rather than responding to God’s call to restore justice, wrath makes us behave in manner that makes the existing offense even worse!

While I generally like Fr. Martin’s article,  I would gently disagree with his somewhat fuzzy distinction between wrath and anger.  He argues that Jesus anger wasn’t sinful because “Jesus is never angry on behalf of himself”  while our anger  “is more frequently of the selfish type, the result of an offense to ourselves.” He supports this idea by pointing out that when Jesus was being tortured and crucified, he did not express any anger. Indeed, he went “like a lamb to the slaughter” (Is 53:7) and even forgave his executioners.

The problem I have with this interpretation is that it suggests people are “selfish” when, for instance, they stand up to an abuser.  I’m sure Fr. Martin didn’t mean this.  In fact, he says as much when he writes,  “Of course we need a healthy love of self and a care for the self. So sometimes a strong response to injustice is justified.”   But I counsel too many people who are confused on this point exactly because of fuzzy distinctions like this.  If the only difference between righteous anger and wrath is that righteous anger serves others and sinful anger serves me, then when, exactly, is it OK to offer “a strong response to injustice?”   There is an unhealthy attitude among too many Christians that says that if I set boundaries of any kind or stand up for myself in any way, I am being selfish–after all, look at how Jesus dealt with his abusers!  

I would argue that this view, though well-intentioned, almost fatally misses the point.  So, what is the real difference between anger that is sinful and anger that is not?

Why Didn’t Jesus Become Cross on the Cross?

Remember that anger, properly ordered, is a God-given, gut-level response to an experience of injustice.   We can think of injustice as a situation or relationship that is “out of order” (i.e., not in line with God’s plan). Seen in this light, Jesus did not express anger when he was being tortured and crucified because he knew he needed endure this suffering to restore the right order that existed between God and humankind.   Although it was not right that we should cause him to suffer, he willingly submitted to that suffering so that the Father’s plan could be fulfilled and the order between Heaven and earth could be restored–a task no one else but him was able to accomplish.   By contrast, the suffering of an abused wife, for instance, is unjust because it represents a disordered relationship between man and woman, a relationship that directly contradicts Gods plan for marriage.  Moreover, the wife’s anger at her abuse and her attempts to either stand up to her abuser or escape him represents a just response to abuse because it attempts to call the marriage to godly order.

In short, what makes a display of anger either righteous or sinful is not whether I, personally, benefit from it but whether or not the way I am expressing that anger represents an honest, intentional, proportionate, and appropriate attempt to see that God’s intentions for a particular situation or relationship would be fulfilled.  While wrath offends God’s plan by making a bad situation worse with our reactions, righteous anger seeks to heal wounds, restore relationships,  and re-establish godly order.  To discover more ways our deepest desires–and even our darkest desires–can reveal God’s incredible plan for a grace-filled life, check out Broken Gods:  Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart.

 

Helping Your Kids Deal with Anger

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Image via Shutterstock.

Image via Shutterstock.

Parents often struggle to deal effectively with their children’s anger.  We either tend to respond by coddling them when they tantrum or shutting them down.  Of course, neither response is effective and both responses tend to produce angrier more impulsive kids.

Of course, an important part of raising moral, loving, faithful kids is teaching our children to manage all of their emotional reactions in more godly, appropriate ways.  In Parenting with Grace and Then Comes Baby, we offer a ton of strategies for dealing with tantrums and angry outburst in respectful and effective ways but  here’s a great article from PsychCentral on how parents can teach their children how to manage anger appropriately.  By all means go and read the whole thing, but here are some tips to get you started.

  1. helping him understand what triggers his anger
  2. teaching him about symptoms of being angry (such as feeling tense in his body, having a fast heartbeat, thinking about wanting to hit a sibling, etc.)
  3. teaching your child to make healthy and appropriate choices as soon as possible when he becomes angry (such as walking away, taking deep breathes, etc.)
  4. creating a tool box with your child of ways he can calm himself down
  5. identifying his strengths and building on them
  6. rearranging the environment and/or restructuring his daily schedule to better suit his true self (such as by placing less demands on him after school if your child would do better by having a break after school, although this does not mean to let him get out of responsibilities)
  7. modeling healthy responses to anger
  8. identifying what makes your child calm, happy, and feeling great and then put more of those things into his life (be sure to have him be involved in the process as much as possible as well as take on ownership and control of implementing these strategies)
  9. work on problem-solving skills
  10. practice stress-management skills together (such as doing exercise, getting enough sleep, learning progressive muscle relaxation, doing hobbies, etc.)

READ MORE

Anger, like all of our emotions, is a gift from God but we need to be taught how to use it.  These tips can give parents some great ways to help their children express their anger in respectful and appropriate ways.  When that happens, children feel heard, parents feel respected, and everybody wins!

Anger vs. Wrath: What’s the Difference?

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Anger is a common enough emotion.  Everyone gets angry from time to time, and anger, when used prudently as a normal part of the human experience, can be understood as the gift from God that allows us to recognize and respond when we feel we have witnessed–or been the victim of–an injustice.  If our anger motivates us to seek solutions, address injustices in a productive way, and heal the damage that has been done to a relationship, then that anger can be both righteous and healthy.  Righteous anger doesn’t see anger as an end itself.  Righteous anger stirs us out of complacency and urges us to right wrongs and seek the justice that St Augustine said was necessary for true peace to exist.

 

But sometimes, anger can get out of control and turn destructive.  We can use our anger as a justification for lashing out at others, or we can become addicted to our anger and use it as an excuse to withdraw from the people around us.  When this happens, anger turns in on itself.  It does not motivate us to seek answers or right wrongs.  It simply burns everything and everyone it touches.  First our own sense of right and wrong is impaired and we find ourselves lashing out, blaming, and abusing those around us.  Later, if left unchecked, the flames of our anger will ignite our relationships and reduce them to ashes.  The catechism tells us that this kind of anger, sometimes called wrath or fury, is actually a deadly sin because it causes us to desire and even work for vengeance instead of love.   As Matt 5:22 says, “Everyone who remains angry with his brother is in danger of judgment.”

 

What to Do?

If you have a problem with anger, try these tips…

 

Catch your early warning signs.

Stopping anger early is key to being effective.  Everyone has signs that let them know that they are approaching the point of no return.  The time to take a break and calm down comes long before you start yelling at the person you are angry with.  As long as the conversation is focused on working with the other person to find solutions, you are on solid ground, but the moment you start thinking of the other person as the problem, or experiencing other physiological signs of stress (rolling your eyes, “tsk-ing” and huffing and puffing, feeling the urge to pace, making disgusted sounds as the other is talking, fidgeting) it is time to take a break.  All of these signs indicate that you are beginning to flood with the stress chemicals that will cause you to abandon logic and lose your cool.  Once you notice yourself doing any of these actions, you probably have about 1-2 minutes to get yourself under control before you get to the point where you either become abusive or you shut down and withdraw.   Catching yourself early prevents you from adopting either of these ineffective and potentially hurtful options.

 

Begin with an end in mind

If you’re angry, before you open your mouth, take some time to pray and reflect on the following.   “What is the problem?”  and “What are the one or two practical ideas I have about solving this problem.”   Righteous anger is always ordered toward solving problems, not pouring gasoline on them.  You can’t help but make a bad  situation worse if you begin talking before you have your own ideas about what the endpoint should be.  If you don’t know how to solve the problem, then begin the discussion by admitting that and then present your ideas about where you would like to turn to get the information you need to address the problem (e.g, a particular book, prayer, your pastor, a counselor).

 

Take a break

This is common enough advice, but most people don’t take breaks early enough to be effective.   Most people wait until they are screaming at each other (or want to) before they “break.”  This usually means “not talking to each other for the rest of the day and then ignoring the problem that started the whole mess.”  This is not a break.

 

Counselors recommend taking a break much earlier, at the point when you begin to think of the other person as the problem and not your partner for solving the problem.  At this point, it is useful to excuse yourself to use the restroom or get a drink from the kitchen (and for bonus points, offer to get them something while your out of the room).  While you are in the other room, try to remind yourself that it is your job to find ways work together with the person with whom you are struggling.  Remind yourself of the purpose of the discussion and what concrete resolutions you want to achieve.  Then return to the discussion and reset the focus on solutions.  For instance, you could say something like, “I know we’re frustrated right now.  Help me understand what you would like to be different as a result of this conversation.” Or, “Here’s what I’d like to do about this problem.  What do you think?”

 

Check your thoughts.

At the point that you start wondering if the person you are angry with is crazy, totally irresponsible, stupid, or out to get you, take a break, you’re too hot to be rational.  Remember, the only way to solve a problem, even with a child, is to find a way to work with the other person to solve it.  If you are convinced that the person you must work with to solve the problem is an idiot, you will never be able to partner with him or her effectively.

 

Stop seeing yourself as a victim

Wrathful anger tends to be rooted in a sense of powerlessness.  When we have not done our homework and tried to come up with our own solutions to a problem before we begin talking about those problems with someone else one of two things happens.  Either we can only talk about our frustration with the problem which makes us feel hopeless, or we may feel pressured to accept the other persons solutions-whether we like these solutions or not—because we haven’t brought anything to the table and, as a result, we feel resentful.  In either case, the result is a feeling of powerlessness which causes us to lash out at the other person in an underhanded attempt to get them to take control over a situation we have not taken the time to figure out how to get control over.

 

People who deal effectively with anger refuse to see themselves as victims either of others or fate.  They see themselves as responders to the challenges of life.  As St Paul puts it, they know that with Christ they can be “more than conquerors.”

 

Get Help.

If you find that your anger is too strong to employ any of the preceding tips at all, or employ them effectively.  If the people in your life tell you that your anger scares them (whether or not you think it should).  If your anger ever causes you to become physical in any way with the person at whom you are angry.  Get help.  All of these signs indicate that your anger is stronger than your ability to control it.  Competent, faithful counseling can help you learn to express yourself and meet your needs in a manner that does not alienate the very people you need to work with to create solutions.

For more ways to get your anger under control, check out God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy! 

Coming Thurs on More2Life Radio: The Grapes of Wrath

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Thurs on More2Life–The Grapes of Wrath: In light of the recent firing of a Rutgers coach for abusive behavior toward his players, we’re reflecting on anger. We’ll look at those times anger goes too far and how to respond more effectively both to your own anger and the angry outbursts of others. Call in from Noon-1pm Eastern (11-Noon C) at 877-573-7825 and we’ll explore more effective ways to deal with anger, and the angry people in your life.

Don’t forget to answer the More2Life FB Q of the D: 1. What situations are most likely to provoke you to anger? 2. How do you tend to respond when other people start yelling at you?
Listen to More2Life live weekdays from Noon-1pm E (11am-Noon C). Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch the M2L Podcast!

Newsflash: Yelling isn’t Communicating.

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I talk to a lot of people who have a hard time with their temper but excuse it by saying that they are just being honest about their feelings.

I think it’s important to remember that your emotions are God’s gift to you, and not the people around you. When you are angry about something, that’s the Holy Spirit’s way of prompting you to look at a  potential  injustice.  Having been prompted, your job is to pray about whether the injustice is something in your environment, or if it has something more to do with your unreasonable expectations about how life should work as opposed to how life does work.  Either way, there is a problem to be solved and prayer will help clarify both the nature of the problem and the direction you should take.

Having prayed about your feelings, the next step is to prayerfully reflect on a respectful course of action.  If the course of action requires addressing a problem with someone, the rule of thumb is, “Lead with solutions, NOT emotions.”   For example:

A.  Leading with Emotions looks like this:  “I can’t believe you’re such a selfish jerk!  I have to do everything around here!”

B.  Leading with solutions look like this:  “I’m really overwhelmed.  I need us to sit down and come up with a plan for getting things together for our company this weekend.”

Now, there are a host of irrational thoughts that stop a person from doing B instead of A–but they’re all irrational.  If you tend to do A more than B, you’ve let Satan get in your head and he’s going to tempt you to actions that will drive the people you love away from you.

The second challenge (beyond the variety of irrational thoughts) people offer to this advice is, “Well, that’s just the way guys think about problems, not women.”  No.  That’s the way rational men and women think about problems.  Look, both men and women are equally capable of tantrumming and both men and women are equally capable of being reasonable, proactive, and effective.  If you find that you can’t consistently pull this off, don’t hide behind your gender.  Get the skills you need to be a more effective man or woman of God.   God wants to use you mightily, but he can’t do that if you love your emotions more than you love him or the people he’s placed in your life to love and serve.

Here’s another article on why shouting isn’t communicating.

For help getting a better handle on the emotions that are ruling your life, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to make a tele-counseling appointment with a faithful, professional, Catholic counselor today.  740-266-6461.

Coming Tues on More2Life Radio: When Feelings Attack!

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Coming Tues on M2L: When Feelings Attack!– Our emotions are a natural part of us and therefore a gift from the Lord, but when our feelings of anger, anxiety, sadness, and frustration run away with us (as they often do) emotions easily become the gift we’d like to return.  Today on M2L, we’ll talk about developing a healthy attitude toward our emotions and what it takes to control your feelings instead of letting them control you.

Don’t forget to answer our M2L Facebook Q of the D:  (A Two-fer:  Answer one or both)  1. When are your feelings most likely to get the best of you? 2. What feelings are the hardest to deal with in others (and why)?

Listen to More2Life live weekdays from Noon-1pm E (11am-Noon C). Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch the M2L Podcast!