Fixing Relationship Troubles Isn’t All On You

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Hurt feelings over wedding invitations seemed to have ended Ruth’s 30-year friendship with another woman. Meanwhile, a simple misunderstanding had blown up Patricia’s relationship with a friend from church.

Both women desperately wanted to make their relationships whole again. But when they called in to the More2Life radio show, hosts Dr. Greg Popcak and Lisa Popcak gave them some surprising advice: restoring the relationship isn’t all on you.

‘How Can I Convince Her?’

Ruth’s situation was particularly complex. For three decades, her family and her friend’s family had gathered every summer, always including the friend’s daughter who was in a same-sex relationship. Ruth’s family had made it a priority to show love and acceptance to her friend’s daughter.

But when Ruth’s son planned his wedding, tight budget constraints meant no plus-ones for anyone—not just the friend’s daughter, but close family members, too. Despite this being clearly a financial decision affecting multiple people, Ruth’s friend interpreted it as discrimination against her daughter’s lifestyle and cut off all contact.

After a year of painful silence, Ruth’s friend had finally agreed to meet, but Ruth was anxious about the upcoming conversation. “I want to know exactly how I convince her that it had nothing to do with her daughter’s lifestyle choices,” Ruth told the Popcaks. “I’ve got family members who are in the same type of situation.”

Patricia’s story was different but equally frustrating. She had told people at church that a fellow parishioner’s uncle had died—but as it turned out, he hadn’t. Despite Patricia’s attempts to apologize and clarify the honest mistake, her friend had been angry with Patricia ever since.

“I don’t know if there’s anything that I can do to remedy this situation,” Patricia wrote in an email to More2Life. “I’ve tried to talk to her, but nothing’s changed.”

The Trap of Working Too Hard

The stories of both callers illustrate a common trap that we can fall into when misunderstandings lead to broken relationships.

“We have this tendency to think that just because someone’s angry at us, we must have done something wrong, and it’s our job to make them not be angry at us,” Dr. Popcak explained.

We often assume we need to convince the other person, justify every decision, work harder to prove our good intentions, and take responsibility for managing the other person’s emotions.

But when it comes to honest misunderstandings, we don’t have to work that hard.

“God doesn’t ask us to make every relationship in our lives work just on our own,” Dr. Popcak reminded Ruth. “We want to be around people who can be healthy around us and be healthy for us.”

Even God Deals with Rejection

Even God, who is perfect love, doesn’t force people into relationship with him, Lisa Popcak pointed out. After all, the Word became flesh, lived among us, and even died for us, and people still rejected him. God allows us our free will because he wants real, authentic relationships—not forced compliance.

We’re called to follow his example: extend the invitation to relationship and let others choose to accept it or not. We can’t expect to control every relationship outcome, no matter how perfectly we behave or how clearly we explain ourselves.

Offer Relationship, Respect Freedom

The Popcaks recommended that both Ruth and Patricia simply state the facts clearly and let the other person choose their response.

For Ruth, this meant saying something straightforward: “Look, we don’t have unlimited amounts of money, so we restricted the wedding to those people that we were closest to. Nobody got to bring a plus one. It was purely a monetary decision. I care about you and want to be your friend. If you’re open to that, wonderful—we can build our friendship. If not, it saddens me, but I’ll accept your decision.”

In Patricia’s situation, the Popcaks pointed out that her fellow parishioner failed to practice the Christian obligation of charitable interpretation. When someone hurts us, our first response should be to assume good intentions and seek clarification. That doesn’t mean ignoring offenses or bad behavior; it simply means giving the other person the benefit of the doubt that they weren’t deliberately trying to cause hurt or offense.

Patricia’s friend should have come to her and asked what was up, Dr. Popcak said. When Patricia clarified that it was all a misunderstanding, her friend should have accepted that explanation.

Patricia had fulfilled her Christian obligation by acknowledging her mistake and clarifying her intentions. Her friend’s continued anger was her friend’s choice—not Patricia’s responsibility to fix.

The Freedom of Doing Your Part

Both Ruth and Patricia had already fulfilled their Christian obligations to love and seek peace. The rest was up to their friends.

Realizing that maintaining relationships isn’t our sole responsibility brings tremendous freedom—the freedom to love without condition while maintaining healthy boundaries, to seek peace without compromising truth, and to trust God with outcomes beyond our control.

For more help with relationship problems, check out Dr. Popcak’s book, God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People. And for more one-on-one guidance, reach out to one of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Why “Don’t argue in front of the kids” Isn’t Enough.

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I’ve had a few conversations with couples this week who were–justifiably–upset that they were fighting in front of their children.  When I asked what they proposed to do about it, their suggestion was to take the fight behind closed doors.    This certainly seems reasonable, but what moms and dads don’t realize is that kids can hear through doors.

I remember being about 7 or 8 years old and my parents were going through a rough patch. I have no idea what the problem was, but I heard them arguing in their bedroom a lot.   Night after night, after I was supposed to be in bed,  I heard their loud, angry voices coming through the door.  One night, it dawned on me that if this kept up, they might get a divorce. I don’t think I ever heard them threaten it, but I just knew it could happen.  The idea really upset me and I decided I had to do something.  I got my army helmet and my toy rifle and my spring-loaded, toy canon (that shot real plastic shells!) and I stood guard outside my parents door.  Marching back and forth, I promised myself that I was NOT going to let them out until they settled whatever it was.  No one was getting divorced on MY watch.

Did you ever wonder if your kids were listening outside the door?

The resolution to “not fight in front of the children” is admirable, but parents are deluding themselves if they think the answer is moving the same loud, nasty argument to a different room or a different time.  Kids may look oblivious, but they are intimately aware of how well their parents are getting along–even behind closed doors.  They know their whole life depends on mom and dad acting like grown-ups which–now that I’m a grown-up–I know is not always the easiest thing to do.

Perhaps a better resolution than “don’t fight in front of the children”  is, “Always argue as if your kids are listening”  because whether or not we want them to,  they probably are.   Learning to resolve differences in a way that we wouldn’t be embarrassed to have our kids hear can take some work.   It may even mean getting some professional help, but it’s the only way to make sure your kids feel secure even when you’re going through a challenging time together.  Every couple will struggle from time to time, its natural and its even necessary.  But when you must argue, be sure to argue as if your kids were listening.  Your marriage will be better for it, and so will your kids.

———-Isn’t it time for you and your spouse to discover more loving ways to resolve conflict? Contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute at 740-266-6461 to find out how you can work with a faithful, professional, Catholic therapist via our tele-counseling practice.