The Three Essential Steps of Real Reconciliation

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It was bad enough that Julie’s mother-in-law and sisters-in-law disrupted her wedding reception so horrendously that the family had to ask them to leave. But even worse, her mother-in-law kept her distance from Julie and her kids for eleven years. When she finally reached out, her “apology” was brief and breezy: “I’m sorry for everything — let’s just move forward.”

“That’s not a sincere apology to me,” Julie told Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak during a recent episode of their More2Life radio show. Meanwhile, her husband felt caught in the middle, and the wound from that wedding day had never really closed.

Lisa Popcak could empathize with Julie’s situation. “One of the things that’s really difficult is when you feel that the Lord is asking you to get yourself in right order about forgiving someone, about fixing a relationship, and they don’t want to or they don’t have the insight to, then how do you handle it?” she said during the show opener. “How do you work through that with God? I know that had been a process for me. I’m in a really good place with it, but it was a walk that I had to walk with Jesus to get there.”

In last week’s post, the Popcaks explained the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. This time, the Popcaks are going to help us understand what constitutes a genuine, sincere apology that opens the door to reconciliation. It’s a skill that’s useful whether you’re on the receiving end like Julie or you need to apologize for something yourself.

The Road to Reconciliation

Previously, the Popcaks explained the important difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness, they explained, is something one person can do alone — it’s the decision to surrender the desire to hurt someone for having hurt you. Even better, it is about getting to a place where you are able to want the offending person’s well-being.

Reconciliation, on the other hand, is about doing the work needed to repair and restore the relationship — and that requires more than two words (“I’m sorry”) and a change of subject.

When Dr. Greg helped Julie think through what she needed from her mother-in-law, he laid out three components that every meaningful apology requires.

First, a display of empathy. Somehow, the person who committed the offense needs to show that they understand how much they have hurt the other person. 

Second, a display of integrity. “In other words, ‘You had a right to expect more from me,’” Dr. Popcak explained. “It wasn’t just that you have too thin a skin, or you don’t have a sense of humor, or you just have too high expectations. It’s: You’re right, I was wrong. You had a right to expect more from me, and I blew it, and I’m sorry.”

Third, the offending person needs to offer to fix the harm they caused. This might involve making a concrete proposal about what they want to do to make things right, or it might involve asking the other person what would make it right for them.

“The person who committed the offense has to be willing to listen to what we need them to do to heal the wound they caused,” Lisa said. “Asking them to listen to your needs and to do the work necessary to meet them is not refusing to forgive them. It is what authentic forgiveness and healing requires.”

Julie’s mother-in-law was missing all three things in her apology to Julie; she had offered the form of an apology without any of its substance.

“When a person isn’t capable of doing those three things as part of an apology, that means that they’re not really accepting responsibility, and you can’t trust them to not do it again,” Dr. Popcak explained.

Reconciliation Requires Hard Work from Both People

The work of achieving reconciliation isn’t only the responsibility of the person who caused the offense, though. When we set healthy boundaries with people who have hurt us, our Christian faith requires that we also provide them with a clear way forward.

In Julie’s case, the Popcaks’ advice was to sit down and talk with her husband about what that way forward would look like for his mother. “Talk together about, ‘What would we need to see from your mom to relax this boundary and to know that she’s safe to be around us and our kids?’” That sense of safety includes emotional, not just physical, safety.

This not only helps the offending person know what they need to do to restore the relationship; it also helps the person who has been hurt to objectively evaluate whether that work has been done.

“You can ask yourself, ‘Well, has she done the things that we asked her to do to let those boundaries down?’” Dr. Popcak said. “And you can answer yes or no. And then you make your decision based on an objective criteria, not just how you feel about it.”

The Three Steps of a Real Apology

If someone hasn’t accepted your apology — or you sense that what you’ve offered hasn’t truly landed — here are three ways to move toward the kind of accountability that actually opens doors.

  1. Name the specific harm you caused. Vague apologies (“I’m sorry for everything”) signal that you haven’t really reckoned with what happened. Before you approach someone, ask yourself: Can I name exactly what I did wrong? Can I describe how it hurt them? If not, more reflection is needed first.
  2. Accept what they need without arguing about it. Once you’ve acknowledged the harm, the other person’s response belongs to them. They may need more time than you’d like. They may not be ready to reconcile at all. Accepting that without pressure or manipulation is itself an act of love.
  3. Work out a clear path forward. When the other person is ready to reconcile, work with them to name exactly what needs to happen to repair the harm you caused in the relationship.

Then it’s all about following through. The first three steps are the key that opens the door that has closed between you and the other person; this key allows the possibility of reconciliation. But it is consistent, changed behavior over time that makes it real.

Let God’s Grace In

Knowing these basic elements of real reconciliation provides a road map forward. Of course, when the wounds cut deep, moving through these steps can still be very difficult on both sides. Prayer, Lisa said, is essential to help us do what we can’t otherwise do on our own.

“Involving the Holy Spirit in this really matters,” Lisa said. ”We can’t white-knuckle our way through forgiveness or even come up with a plan without the grace of the Holy Spirit being invited into the situation.”

Real reconciliation can’t be forced or rushed. It grows from genuine accountability, patience, and grace.

“Asking for and receiving forgiveness,” Dr. Greg said, “is just the first step on the road back from hurts.”

If you need extra help with the challenges of giving and receiving forgiveness, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Always Mean Reconciliation

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Kara hadn’t had contact with her abusive father for years — an intentional decision she felt was necessary for her safety and healing.

Recently, though, her father reached out, asking to reconnect.

“I’m honestly afraid to let him back into my life,” she wrote in a note to the More2Life radio show hosted by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. “I don’t trust him, and I worry about exposing my children to someone who hurt me so deeply.

“When I told him no, he accused me of being unforgiving and unchristian. That really shook me. I believe in forgiveness, but I don’t know if forgiveness means putting myself or my family back in harm’s way. How do I forgive without pretending the past didn’t happen, and how do I honor God without ignoring my own boundaries?”

Kara isn’t alone in her dilemma; many faithful Christians face situations like hers: An ex-spouse who caused serious harm pushes for restored contact. A family member who has never acknowledged the damage they caused demands to be welcomed back in. Remembering Jesus’ command to forgive (even repeatedly), some people may feel pressured to restore a harmful relationship — or, alternatively, might feel guilty for saying “no.”

The key to situations like this, the Popcaks said, is to understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

As Christians, we are called to lean into God’s abundant mercy and forgiveness, and then share that same mercy and forgiveness with one another, Dr. Popcak explained.

“But it’s important to understand what that really means,” Lisa Popcak added. “Forgiveness does not require us to pretend that an offense never happened or that things are better than they actually are.”

Instead, forgiveness means wanting to give up the desire to hurt somebody for having hurt you, Dr. Popcak said. It means getting to the place where you can genuinely wish the other person well — even when you don’t feel like it.

Reconciliation is a different matter entirely.

“Reconciliation means that the person who hurt you has done the work necessary to be safe to be around and build a relationship with,” Dr. Popcak explained.

Forgiveness is something you can give unilaterally, in your own heart, regardless of what the other person does. Reconciliation requires something from both sides — most importantly, genuine accountability from the one who caused the harm.

Kara had forgiven her father. That didn’t mean she was obligated to hand him access to her family.

Dr. Popcak pointed to something telling in Kara’s situation: her father’s response when she said no.

“If he was safe to be around, his response would have been, ‘I totally get that, and it breaks my heart that you feel that way, and I hope that someday you might feel differently, but I respect your boundary and I understand where you’re coming from based on the way that I’ve hurt you,'” Dr. Popcak said. “His calling you unchristian and unforgiving and trying to manipulate you into having a relationship speaks to how unsafe he still is.”

Maintaining the safe boundary with her father may have felt uncomfortable for Kara. However, as the Popcaks pointed out, that decision was actually a loving response to the situation.

For one thing, keeping her father at a distance until he is able to handle the relationship safely and responsibly is charitable toward him because it helps him avoid a near occasion of sin — a situation that predictably brings out the worst in us. For example, an alcoholic doesn’t put himself in a bar, and someone who loves an alcoholic doesn’t invite him into one either.

And as Lisa pointed out, Kara’s decision to keep a safe boundary between her father and her children was both appropriate and also a very real expression of love.

Sometimes working for the good of the other makes us feel uncomfortable. But in the end, the true measure of love isn’t how it makes us feel, but whether it truly seeks the best outcome for the other, and all involved — in this case, safety for herself and her kids, and real healing for her father.

Are We Ready to Reconcile? 3 Questions to Ask

If someone from your past is pushing for restored contact, the Popcaks’ framework suggests three honest questions worth sitting with before you respond.

1. Have they acknowledged the harm they caused?

Not a vague “I’m sorry if you were hurt” — but a clear, specific acknowledgment of what they did and how it affected you. A person who cannot name their offense is not in a position to repair it. Accountability is the foundation of reconciliation, and without it, the same patterns are likely to repeat.

2. How did they respond when you said no?

This is often the clearest signal available. A person who responds to your limits with guilt-tripping, pressure, or spiritual manipulation is showing you exactly where they still are. Let the response speak for itself.

3. Are you both strong enough?

Reconciliation isn’t just about whether you can handle it. Inviting someone into a situation they’re not equipped to handle isn’t mercy — it’s setting everyone up to fail.

Even a Closed Door Can Have a Key

As the Popcaks frequently remind, setting and maintaining healthy boundaries does not necessarily mean cutting off all possibility of a relationship. A healthy boundary is like a door that needs to be closed when a situation is not safe or healthy.

But at the same time, you are closing the door on that part of your relationship, you can also give the other person a key, a set of conditions that need to be met before true reconciliation is possible.

Dr. Popcak offered Kara a possible response to her father. Notice how it maintains a healthy boundary while also providing a key that her father can use, if he chooses: “The fact that rather than hearing what I was trying to say to you and responding with sensitivity, you tried to manipulate me and push your way into my life — that says to me that nothing’s changed,” Dr. Popcak suggested. “Until you can really accept responsibility for what you did and acknowledge the pain you’ve caused, it wouldn’t make sense for me to have you in my life. I will continue to pray for you, and I hope that someday you can hear this.”

That is a statement of genuine forgiveness. It wishes the other person healing. It provides the  key to a restored relationship. And it holds a clear line — not out of bitterness, but out of honesty about where things actually stand.

For more help thinking through a difficult relationship, check out Dr. Greg Popcak’s book God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People. And for one-on-one support, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Assertive Isn’t Selfish: A Catholic Guide to Healthy Love

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By Dr. Gregory Popcak

The Theology of the Body reminds us that Christian love is not meant to be one-sided. While we are certainly called to be generous, sacrificial, and attentive to the needs of others, we are not called to ignore or suppress our own needs. In fact, St. John Paul II taught that the key to healthy, holy Christian relationships is “mutual self-giving.” Love flourishes when everyone involved is committed to giving what they can for the good of the other—and to receiving that love in return.

One of the biggest misunderstandings Christians struggle with is the idea that acknowledging our needs—much less asserting them–is somehow contrary to living an authentic Christian life. But TOB teaches us something very different. God is the author of our needs. A need is not just something required to survive; it is anything necessary for us to flourish as the persons God created us to be. Emotional connection, respect, rest, affection, support, and meaning are not luxuries—they are part of God’s design for human life.

When our legitimate needs are met, we thrive. And when we thrive, God is glorified in our flourishing. This means it is not only appropriate but healthy to expect that the people who say they love us will be responsive to our needs, just as we strive to be responsive to theirs. Mutual responsiveness is not selfishness; it is the very structure of love.
This is where the distinction between assertiveness and selfishness becomes essential. A selfish person is focused exclusively on themselves. They want what they want, how they want it, and when they want it, with little concern for how that affects others. Christian assertiveness looks very different. A responsible, assertive Christian is clear and honest about what they need, but also remains flexible and respectful about how and when that need is met. The goal is not control; it is communion.

TOB reminds us that we were created for intimate communion with God and with one another. Intimacy cannot exist where needs are hidden, denied, or dismissed. True closeness grows when we are able to say, “This is what I need,” and when the other person can respond with generosity and care. Likewise, love deepens when we are willing to hear the needs of others without becoming defensive or dismissive.

Of course, expressing needs does not guarantee they will always be met perfectly or immediately. But consistently silencing ourselves out of fear, guilt, or a mistaken sense of holiness leads to resentment, burnout, and emotional distance. That kind of self-erasure does not reflect Christ. Jesus gave Himself completely—but He also rested, withdrew to pray, asked for support, and allowed others to minister to Him. Mutual self-gift always includes mutual care.

Healthy Christian relationships are not about keeping score or demanding perfection. They are about a shared commitment to help one another become more fully alive. When we learn to express our needs clearly and charitably, listen to the needs of others with compassion, and work together to find solutions that respect everyone involved, we begin to experience the kind of love God intended from the beginning.

In that kind of relationship, no one disappears. Everyone is seen. Everyone is invited to give—and to receive. And in that mutual self-giving, the love of God becomes visible in the world.

If you would like support it making this change in your life or relationships, reach out for personal support from our pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.