How to De-Escalate Conflict: Six Expert Tips

Few people have had as much opportunity to practice the art of de-escalating tense situations as Ron LaGro, LSW, a pastoral counselor with the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

In the years since he graduated from Franciscan University at Steubenville, he has worked with homeless men in Chicago and New York, developmentally disabled foster youth with aggression issues, patients with schizophrenia both in a psychiatric hospital and in the community, and children in the child protective system in South Bend, Indiana. In fact, he has even led de-escalation training sessions.

Sooner or later, everyone finds themselves engaged with someone who has “lost it” (or is on their way to losing it)—a cranky toddler, maybe, or an angry customer. Then there’s that sibling or co-worker who is always poking at you, trying to get you riled up.

In those situations, LaGro is the guy to know. He recently explained how anyone can de-escalate conflict and restore peace in heated moments.

1. Know Your Own Triggers

Some of the most important de-escalation work needs to happen long before you find yourself in a tense situation, LaGro says.

“A big part of de-escalation is recognizing our own triggers,” he explained. “If we don’t understand what sets us off, we won’t be able to stay calm when someone else is losing control.”

Before stepping into a difficult situation, take stock of your own emotional vulnerabilities. What comments or behaviors make you defensive? What wounds from your past might flare up in an argument? Understanding these triggers ahead of time allows us to respond with grace rather than reactivity. Regular prayer practices—such as the daily examen, meditation, or the sacrament of reconciliation—can help bring deeper self-awareness and peace.

LaGro shared an example of working with a client who frequently hurled personal insults at him.

“He would just take shots at me, trying to get a reaction,” he recalled. “But because I was already at peace with those things, I wasn’t thrown off balance.”

Being self-aware doesn’t mean ignoring hurtful words; it means preparing ourselves so that we don’t react emotionally in a way that escalates the conflict. Instead, we can respond from a place of stability.

2. Stay in Your “Adult Mindset”

LaGro distinguishes between an “adult mindset” and a “child mindset” in conflict.

“As we get more emotionally heated, we slip into a child mindset where we see the other person as a threat,” he explained. “That’s when we either lash out or shut down.”

Using the “emotional thermometer” concept promoted by the Pastoral Solutions Institute—mentally assessing whether we are at a calm 3 or a raging 8—can help us step back before we react poorly. If you notice yourself getting too worked up, take a deep breath and pray for God’s help to calm down. If needed, step away until you can re-engage calmly.

3. Respond Calmly

When someone is angry, our instinct may be to match their volume or intensity. But shouting over someone rarely calms them down—it usually escalates the situation.

LaGro had plenty of experience with this principle at the psychiatric hospital. “If someone comes off an elevator screaming and I respond by yelling, ‘You need to calm down!’ it just escalates the situation,” he said. “Instead, speaking calmly, lowering our volume, and having nonaggressive body posture can send the message: I am not a threat.

Saying the person’s name in a gentle tone, acknowledging their emotion (“You seem really upset”), and avoiding aggressive body language can help de-escalate their response.

4. Recognize the Other as a Person, Not an Opponent

When someone is upset, it’s easy to see them as an enemy to defeat rather than a person in distress. But our Catholic faith teaches us that every person is made in the image of God and deserves dignity—even in their worst moments.

“If I view someone as an opponent or someone to control, my body language and tone will reflect that,” Ron said. “But if I remind myself that they are another hurting person, just like me, I can approach the situation with empathy instead of defensiveness.”

LaGro doesn’t tell people to just “be empathetic.” Instead, he suggests asking yourself more concrete questions: What is this person going through? Recognizing that the other person is hurting, confused, or in need of help—in other words, seeing the situation through their eyes—makes it much easier to actually help them.

5. Show You Understand the Other’s Situation

Have you ever had a friendly conversation about politics or faith suddenly escalate to the point where voices are raised and people are talking over one another? One challenge in de-escalation is responding to someone who is saying things that we find disagreeable, irrational, or even offensive. In these situations, how do we de-escalate without implying our agreement or acceptance of objectionable statements?

The key, LaGro said, is trying to understand where people are coming from.

For example, if someone claims, “The university administration is controlled by aliens!” instead of arguing, you might say, “Wow, that sounds really scary. What makes you think that?” By showing curiosity instead of immediate dismissal, you keep the conversation from escalating while still maintaining reality.

“If I skip (asking) What’s this person going through? then I can’t help navigate that experience for them and I can’t help them de-escalate,” LaGro said. “If it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend that’s freaking out, they want to feel understood; if it’s your co-worker that’s freaking out, they want to feel understood; if it’s your kid that’s crying because they didn’t get the ice cream cone, they want to feel understood: ‘You really want that ice cream cone! I love ice cream cones, too, so I totally get it.’ We’re meeting them where they’re at.”

Trying to understand someone isn’t the same as agreeing with them, LaGro points out. Only once people feel we understand where they’re coming from can we begin to help them navigate and de-escalate their situation.

6. Know When to Walk Away

While de-escalation is often effective, there are times when it’s best to just disengage.

“If someone picks up a lamp and starts swinging it, you don’t try to talk them down—you get to safety,” LaGro emphasized. “There are moments where your priority has to be self-protection.”

If someone is physically aggressive, verbally abusive, or completely irrational, the best option might be to step away and seek help. De-escalation is a skill, but it’s not always the right tool for every situation.

De-Escalation: A Win-Win Strategy

Jesus’ call to love our enemies (Matthew 5:44) can seem like a tall order, but the steps LaGro outlines for de-escalating conflict offer a good place to start. By examining our own triggers, trying to understand the other’s perspective, and responding to provocations calmly, we actively choose the good of someone who might be making life difficult for us.

And as a happy bonus, responding in this way is very likely to de-escalate tense situations, making it easier to bring conflict to a happy ending for both people.

For more personalized guidance in managing conflict, consider reaching out to Ron LaGro or another pastoral counselor at the Pastoral Solutions Institute today.

Can You Hear Me Now? Cultivating Greater Understanding in Communication

“Where did you get that idea from?!” Sound familiar? Often we feel like we go in circles with our conversations or we try to explain ourselves in a million different ways and the other person still doesn’t get the point. 

Theology of The Body reminds us that the primary work of building the Kingdom of God involves building real communities of love between us and the people that share our life. Seeking to understand another person–especially when it’s difficult–is what allows communication to become communion. Really listening to each other is hard, but if loving another person means helping them become everything God created them to be, then we need to take the time to really listen to each other so that we know what each person needs to grow and flourish.

The more difficult a conversation is and the more important we feel it is to get our point across, the more important it is to listen to the other person’s needs, their concerns, their perception of what we’re saying, and the reasons they are having a hard time hearing us. Of course, all of this requires us to grow in virtue, such as self-control, respect, compassion, and love. That’s why cultivating a spirit of understanding isn’t just good for our relationships, it is a spiritual exercise that allows us to love each other as we love ourselves.

1.  Say Less–The biggest mistake we make in trying to communicate with another person is that we say too much. This is especially true when we aren’t getting the response we were expecting from another person. We tend to think that if we just explain ourselves again, or offer more examples, or say it one more time, they’ll finally get where we’re coming from. In fact, in these situations, it’s better to say less. Instead of throwing more words at the other person in the hopes of being clearer, ask this simple question, “Can you tell me what you’re hearing me say?”  Asking the other person to tell you what they are hearing you say will quickly clarify any confusion and help you and the other person get on the same page. People tend to run the things they hear through their own internal filters that end up distorting or confusing what we say.  Don’t assume that your words are sinking in. Ask them to tell you what is coming across so that you can make sure that the message you are trying to send is the message that’s being received.

2.  Make a Plan–Sometimes we think that if we’ve complained about something or vented our feelings about something that we’ve done a good job letting another person what we need.  Complaining and venting is sometimes necessary to help us sort out all the noise in our heads, but it does nothing to solve a problem.  Remember, the point of most important conversations should be figuring out what to do about a particular situation.  Make sure you don’t leave a discussion until you have a pretty good idea of what you’re going to do about the problem you’ve been discussing, who is going to do it, and when you’ll be getting back together to discuss what else might need to be done.  If you do end a conversation after you’re done venting  or complaining, you should assume that the problem will come back because you haven’t done anything to actually solve the problem. Complaining isn’t problem-solving. If something is worth talking about, it’s worth taking the time to make an actual plan for solving it. Don’t end a conversation until you know what you’re going to do differently moving forward, who is going to be responsible for what, and when you’re going to check back in to see how things are going.

3.  Make Them A Partner–When you feel like another person is having a hard time hearing what you are saying, or doesn’t really want to listen, see if you can make them a partner and get them to buy-in by proposing their own solutions. Tell them, “Look, I’m just trying to do X.  Obviously, you’re not crazy about the ideas I’m suggesting to make X happen. What ideas do you have for making X happen?” Don’t let the other person avoid addressing your actual need. If they propose something that falls short, acknowledge what’s good about their idea, but then explain why it doesn’t completely fit the bill. Then ask them again for an idea that actually would address the actual concern you’ve stated.  If the conversation gets stuck or bogged down at this point, or if they keep trying to convince you that your concern is silly or not worth addressing, that’s a good indication that you probably need to get other people involved to help you solve the problem effectively. Invite another family member, a mentor, or a professional counselor to help you break through the impasse and develop solutions that will work for all concerned. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others to get the help you need to create deeper connection and understanding.

Would you like more support in being heard or cultivating understanding in communication?

Check out these resources: 

Pastoral Tele-Counseling

How To Heal Your Marriage & Nurture Lasting Love

Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations With Your Adult Sons & Daughters