Want a Stronger Relationship? Try ‘Love Lists’

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Once upon a time, an engaged couple came to their pastoral counselor with a problem: Each said the other wasn’t showing them any love. At the same time, each protested that they expressed love for the other all the time.

“Je lui montre mon amour tout le temps!” the woman said.

“Jag visar henne min kärlek hela tiden!” the man said.

“I think I see the problem,” the pastoral counselor said. “One of you speaks French and the other speaks Swedish. Have you ever tried saying ‘I love you’ in the other person’s language?”

While this little fable is fictional, Rachael Isaac encounters couples struggling with a similar problem all the time.

“A lot of couples I work with will say, ‘Well, my love language is physical affection, so that’s how I’m loving you,’” says Isaac, a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. “But the other person is like, ‘Yeah, but my love language is acts of service… and I don’t feel loved by you.’”

The popular concept of “love languages” says that people have a preferred way of expressing and receiving affection—things like words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gift‑giving. The idea is that everyone tends to “speak” one or two of these more fluently, and relationships feel stronger when partners understand and respond to each other’s preferred styles.

The problem is that we often give what we most want to receive. If our preferred way of expressing love is to perform acts of service, we might focus on cleaning out the garage, taking out the garbage, washing up the dishes, or doing the bills. But if physical affection is what makes the other person feel most cared for, they may not “hear” our expressions of love and care.

“We get stuck in our own comfort zone,” Rachael says. “I’m telling you ‘I love you’ in the way that’s comfortable for me, but telling you ‘I love you’ in that way that you’re asking me to—that’s not comfortable for me, so I don’t want to do that.”

Step Out of Your Comfort Zone!

Miscommunication, friction, and conflict are inevitable in any human relationship. But in the Catholic theology of marriage, friction and conflict isn’t necessarily bad. In fact, it is an opportunity for each spouse to grow in holiness, to become more fully the person God made them to be.

Someone who wasn’t raised with a lot of physical affection might feel deeply uncomfortable expressing it. Similarly, someone who isn’t used to expressing lots of words of affirmation might balk at the invitation to go there.

But the choice to step out of our comfort zone in order to show love and care for our spouse is a profound and very real act of love. Moreover, when we step out of our comfort zone in this way, we nurture the parts of ourselves that might be underdeveloped.

“If I make that conscious effort to get out of my comfort zone and lean into that other person’s needs, that helps me become more of the whole person that God created me to be,” Rachael says.

‘Love Lists’ Help Couples Learn How to Care for One Another

When she works with couples who struggle to hear one another’s love languages, Rachael often suggests a simple exercise that she calls “Love Lists.” This exercise, which comes from Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage, asks each spouse to create a list of specific ways their partner could make them feel loved.

Here’s how it works:

1. Create a list of what makes you feel loved

Start by writing down up to twenty specific actions, words, or gestures that would make you feel genuinely loved and appreciated. Invite your spouse to do the same, writing down specific actions, words, or gestures that you can do to make them feel loved and cared for.

Be concrete. Instead of “spend time with me,” try “take a twenty-minute walk with me after dinner” or “sit next to me on the couch while we watch a show together.” The goal is specificity—things your spouse can actually do, not vague feelings they should conjure.

Many people struggle with this step, Rachael says, because they lack self-awareness about what makes them feel loved. If that’s you, then start with seven items on your list. You and your spouse can build out your lists as time goes on.

2. Practice daily

Once you’ve both completed your lists, swap them. If you like, you can post them somewhere that will offer a visual reminder.

Now comes the practical part: each spouse commits to doing one item from their partner’s list every single day. “Both spouses are making that conscious effort to learn each other’s language, to speak each other’s language,” Rachael says.

It’s okay if things don’t turn out perfectly every day. The important thing is for each person to make a real effort.

3. Every day, share when you felt loved

At the end of the day, take a few minutes to connect. Rachael suggests asking two specific questions:

  • “What was a moment today where I felt most loved or connected?”
  •  “What is one thing I can do for you tomorrow that would make your day a little easier?”

This daily review keeps the conversation ongoing and prevents the list from becoming a stagnant “chore chart.” It creates a feedback loop—you learn what resonates most deeply with your spouse, and they learn the same about you. Over time, you become fluent in each other’s love languages.

From Resentment to Empowerment

Couples who follow through with this activity often report a shift from frustration to a feeling of empowerment, Rachael says: communicating your needs to one another is the first step toward having a closer, richer relationship.

This exercise can also build your own self-awareness. Many people don’t actually know what makes them feel loved until they are forced to write it down, Rachael says. By identifying those needs and learning to meet the needs of their spouse, both people grow in virtue.

“You’re not only building up your marriage,” she says, “but you’re also becoming more of the person God made you to be.”

If you and your spouse are struggling to connect or if you simply want to take your relationship to the next level, start your love lists today. For more personalized support in strengthening your marriage, reach out to Rachael Isaac and the team of professional pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

Extravagant Affection in Marriage

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Guest Post by Jacob Francisco, LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com

Need To Be Loved 

Every human being has a God-given need to give love and feel loved in return. This desire for unity with another is a primary motivator to find a mate. 

 

If you do not feel united or connected to your spouse, or have the sense that your spouse feels that way, part of the problem could be too little affection.

 

Here are some signs that you might not be sharing enough affection in your marriage: 

-Frequently feeling lonely around your spouse

-Frequently feeling irritable towards your spouse

-Frequent miscommunications or defensiveness about deeper feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears

-Feeling you cannot share thoughts and feelings for fear of being criticized or shamed

-Often jump to negative conclusions or assumptions about your spouse or their motives 

 

When more than one of the above items is generally true for you and/or your spouse resentment can build and spouses slowly drift away from each other–they become disconnected.

 

Shared affection is one solution to these struggles.

Affection maintains a connection in good times and in bad.

The truth is we are all called to generously give of ourselves to others as Christ did for us. This is exponentially more true in our marriage. 

 

But we all love our comfort too much, and often (even without realizing it) prioritize our own comfort over the call to generously give ourselves.

 

We tend to approach loving others from the direction of how I like to love others, such as service or time together. Ultimately, this is backwards and incomplete. I need to be asking “How does my spouse want to be loved?” 

 

I might not consider myself to be an “affectionate person” or a “touchy-feely” type. But God’s call to generous self-giving outweighs our comfort. 

 

As for receiving love from my spouse, this can be, and often is, difficult when my wounds get in the way. Being receptive to love requires vulnerability and openness.

 

How often do we receive a compliment and immediately dismiss it in our mind, or even out loud? Does your spouse compliment your appearance, or tell you that you look nice, and your first reaction is “No, I don’t feel that way”?

 

If we reject or deflect when someone else expresses affection often enough, chances are they will give up trying. If I stiffen up or cringe when touched, my spouse may eventually get discouraged and stop.

 

The Benefits of Extravagant Affection

Affection establishes a link between myself and the other person on the physical, mental and even spiritual level, beginning with the body. Holding someone in a close embrace allows our heartbeats to sync together.

 

This has a calming effect on the nervous system and fosters a sense of safety and closeness in the relationship.

 

Safety and closeness reduce tension, conflict, negativity, resentment, loneliness, and fear. 

 

How often is “extravagant?”  

 

Marriage research through the Gottman Institute recommends a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.

 

The 20:1 ratio is a helpful way to communicate the general guideline: start with what seems extravagant to you, and then stretch yourself to do a little bit more than that. 

 

Don’t “keep score” on this point. It’s a guideline, not another way to show your spouse how far they fall short. Focus on your own contributions to the ratio. Reject transactional thinking: “If I give her compliments then she should give me a compliment.” 

 

What qualifies as affection? 

There are three important elements: frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsiveness.

 

Frequent physical contact includes a wide range of touch: a brief touch on the shoulder, holding hands, or cuddling for long periods of time. 

 

Warm interactions are kindled through non-verbal cues like facial expressions and tone of voice, choice of words, gratitude and affirmations. If it is ‘warm’ it draws you towards the other person and helps you feel connected.

 

Responsiveness is how consistently we return a “bid” for our attention. Affectionate couples make eye contact with one another often when talking and also make an effort to acknowledge when their spouse says something.

 

Do you look up from your phone or the TV when your spouse starts talking to you? Do you demonstrate that you received their message?

 

Practical Tips

Golden Rule: Express affection in ways that your spouse enjoys.

 

Love list: This exercise is for both spouses. Each spouse writes a list of 25 ways that they want to be shown love in non-sexual terms. About 20 of them should be small and simple. The other 5 can be bigger or more complex. Small things might be: kiss my forehead, rub my feet, tell me “I adore you,” bring me a drink. Bigger things could be: organize a date, give me a massage, buy me a gift. After both spouses finish, exchange lists. Try to do 2-3 things on your spouse’s list daily. 

 

6 Second Rule: Once a day, when you hug or kiss your spouse, linger in it for 6+ seconds. This gives you both enough time to slow down, sync up, and melt into the affection.

 

Compliment Catch: Take turns giving each other compliments and affirmations. Be genuine, thoughtful, and sincere. Continue the activity at least until both spouses are laughing and smiling. This is a good activity for dates, during time together, or after a conflict.

 

If you would like to talk with a Pastoral Counselor, or learn more about Jacob Francisco, LMHC visit CatholicCounselors.com

Couple Time First: Protecting Your Marriage

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Guest Post by Jacob Francisco, LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com

The time and energy that spouses dedicate to one another overflows into the peace and well-being of the entire family.

My dad would come home from a day of teaching around 4:30 or 5.

After the customary greetings by my sisters and me, he would move us out of the kitchen to spend some quality time with my mom. They would have a cup of coffee together, work on dinner, and talk about the day for about 30 minutes.

Us youngsters were not allowed to eavesdrop or bother them “unless someone is bleeding” as they (jokingly!) said.

After the coffee was gone, we all came together again and had dinner as a family. Being home for dinner was mostly not negotiable. Mom and dad worked hard to limit any possible conflicts with our regular family meal. 

Protecting dinner time gave us the opportunity to create a space for lots of lively discussion, especially as we got older and grappled with questions about God, the world, and our friends.

These experiences helped pour the foundation for the man I am and the man I am becoming. Being given that space to reflect and talk with my parents helped me feel like I was standing on solid ground. A feeling I carry inside of me to this day.

But just as importantly, the conversational time my parents protected for themselves is one of the concrete ways I knew in my bones that they loved each other. Every child needs to know that their parents love one another, especially when parents are upset or stressed. 

The family dinner routine was how I knew that I was loved. 

That I belonged. There is a sense of security, well-being, and warmth in the knowledge of belonging.

 

By protecting the time they needed to reconnect as spouses, the graces of the sacrament could overflow into the whole family.

 

The importance of couple time first

A healthy and holy marriage isn’t something that just happens to people. 

The romantic passion will change over time and life has a way of stealing our time and attention. There will always be more things that demand our energy.

Our spouse deserves to be our priority because people are more important than things.

 

This is the person we chose to spend our life with and unless we guard that the world will try to take this away from us.

 

Couple’s time is “sacred work.” It brings grace to the whole family and consecrates family life to God.

Couples need to protect this time for themselves and for their kids just like my parents did. Children benefit because a connected couple has more to pour into their family relationships: more joy, more generosity, more warmth.

 

Couple time first is a paradigm or mindset, not just a certain time in the week.

 

The point is not always to have a rigid adherence to a single practice or activity. The point is that even when those regular routines do not (or cannot) happen, we intentionally make couple time a priority.

 

Life is messy and often unpredictable. Healthy married couples possess flexibility when needed without compromising the principle.

They follow up with each other later and make sure that they get in even just 10-15 minutes of time to connect every day. 10-15 minutes is no time at all, and most couples probably want and need more at least a few times a week.

 

So how do we make that happen?

  1.       Consider what you are already doing that you could be more intentional about. Perhaps there is a certain time of day you often spend together already, such as right before bed at night. Be more intentional about what you talk about then. Go a little deeper. Talk about those pesky feelings we tend to gloss over in the course of talking about what happened during the day.

 

  1.       Reflect on what tends to get in the way of this time. Do either of you schedule other plans during that time when it is not urgent or serious? Do you choose time together over other commitments, even good ones?

 

  1.       Guard your time against interruptions, even your kid’s wants. (By all means help them with their needs, but like the example with my parents, when my parent’s guarded their time together it helped them meet my needs more effectively).

Do we need to reduce some commitments or clear out our schedule a bit?

Do we need to make sure things like dinner together or time in the evenings are not often commandeered by other activities or distractions like TV?

            

Making couple time first does not always mean adding more activities to your life. The most important part of this mindset is that you are intentional and that time together is the first priority, not last.

 

Learn more about Jacob Francisco, LMHC at CatholicCounselors.com.

How Happy Couples Find Time to Connect

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If you want a happy marriage, one of the simplest, most effective ways to get there is to spend time connecting with your spouse every day.

It’s such a simple marriage hack that many couples who come to the Pastoral Solutions Institute are initially skeptical of the recommendation, according to Dr. Greg Popcak.

“You’d be surprised by how many couples are downright disappointed to think that something as simple as having dinner together four times a week and instituting a weekly date could change so much,” he writes in his book, How to Heal Your Marriage: And Nurture Lasting Love. Just as strong bones support a healthy body, he says, regular “rituals of connection” are essential for supporting a healthy relationship.

The importance of regular rituals of connection for strengthening a relationship is well documented in more than six decades of research. Couples who find time to regularly work, talk, play, and pray together report much higher levels of satisfaction across every aspect of their lives than those who do not. They are much less likely to run into problems with their relationship, too.

That research has been backed up time and time again by the experience of the counselors at the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

“I had a couple that started counseling due to a number of communication struggles,” says Robert Taylor, MS, MSW, LCSW. “When I asked them to start small with the rituals of connection, they began with a simple, quick morning prayer ritual that eventually expanded to some brief talk time to check in with each other on the needs of the day.”

Over time, this practice helped the couple to be more in tune with one another and greatly reduced the resentment that had built up due to their lack of connection, he said.

Happy Couples Prioritize Time Together

The main reason many couples object to these rituals of connection is their perception that they don’t have the time to fit them in, said Dave McClow, M.Div., LCSW, LMFT: “Usually, the big objection or complaint is: ‘We’re too busy!’”

These couples are often trying to find “extra” time to connect in their busy schedules. But happy couples do just the opposite: they prioritize their time together, and then work out the rest of their schedule.

It doesn’t need to be complicated, McClow said. “I ask couples to break it down into a five- or ten-minute activity and tie it to something they are already doing, like meals or bedtime,” he said. “That makes it more doable, and they don’t have to create another space in the schedule.”

Don’t Divide Up the Day’s Work; Do It Together

Working on things together rather than dividing up the day’s work is often a good way for couples to spend more time together, said Judi Phillips, MS, LMHC.

She once counseled a busy couple with high-powered jobs and three small children.

“When I first suggested rituals of connection to them, they said, ‘Judi, you’re crazy, there is no way!’” she recalled. “So, I talked with them about how they could use the ways in which they were already together to be more intentional in their connections.”

Instead of taking their usual approach of dividing and conquering the work of putting the kids to bed, for instance, they did it together. Then, after the children were in bed, they made sure to have meaningful conversations not related to the logistics of the day. They shared something interesting they had seen or read during the day and shared their thoughts about it.

Those simple commitments had an almost magical effect on their relationship.

“They came back and reported to me that they felt more connected to one another than ever,” Phillips said. Instead of seeing these times of connection as one more thing to do, they actually began looking forward to them. Plus, they found themselves giving one another more leeway when one of them was irritable or defensive.

In the end, the couple became really committed to these regular opportunities to connect, Phillips said: “They said there was no way they would ever let it go because they found how it so significantly and positively influenced their relationship.”

You can learn more about marital rituals of connection in How to Heal Your Marriage: And Nurture Lasting Love. Or, if you need more one-on-one relationship counseling, reach out to the Catholic counselors of the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

Five Ways Happy Couples Fight Differently

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Conflict is an inevitable part of human relationships; even the happiest of couples experience it sooner or later.

But surprisingly, research shows that happily married couples “fight” differently than others. While many couples fall into an adversarial, combative mindset, happy couples tend to take more of a team approach. Their priority isn’t winning the argument. Instead, it’s solving the problem in a way that respects their spouse and strengthens their marriage.

Just as great sports teams support one another even in tough situations, couples with a team mindset go out of their way to make sure that their spouse feels loved and cared for. In fact, research finds that happily married couples have five positive interactions for every negative interaction—even during conflicts.

What does this look like in practice? In his book How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, Dr. Greg Popcak describes some of the strategies couples can use to navigate conflicts in a more loving, caring way. Here are five to try the next time you find things heating up between you and your spouse (or other conversation partner).

 

1. Give a Heads Up Before Difficult Conversations

If you know you need to tackle a tough conversation, try scheduling the conversation with your partner for a later time—and do it in a way that sets the tone for a cooperative, problem-focused conversation. For example: “Hey, I feel like we need to talk about (topic). Could we make some time to do that tonight? I know this isn’t a conversation either of us really enjoys, but let’s think about how we want to handle it between now and then. I’m interested in hearing your ideas.”

 

2. Turn to God for Help

Christian couples have an extra resource to help them manage conflict: the power of prayer. Praying before, during, and after a hard conversation grounds your relationship in the larger reality of God’s love for both of you, opening you to receive God’s help.

You can maximize the power of prayer by praying together, out loud: “Lord, you know how difficult this conversation is for us. Give us the grace to be both loving and truthful with one another, and help us be open to your will for us. Amen.”

 

3. Complain, but Don’t Criticize

At a minimum, couples who take a teamwork approach to conflict focus on solving the problem, not attacking one another. It’s all right to complain. But when that complaint becomes a personal criticism—when you name your partner as the problem—you’re headed for a contentious, unproductive argument.

Here’s a personal criticism: “You obviously have no money management skills; I can’t trust you with a debit card.” And here’s the same issue framed as a complaint: “When you go over the budget we agreed on, it makes me feel frustrated and anxious.” The first statement locates the problem in the partner; the second states two facts (the state of the budget and your feelings about it) that pose a problem to be solved.

 

4. Offering Encouragement and Affirmation

High-functioning teams offer one another words and gestures of support even when they’re in a tough spot. The same goes for happy couples during hard conversations.

You can reaffirm your bond and create a supportive atmosphere with a simple gesture—reaching out to hold your spouse’s hand, for instance, or offering them a tissue or glass of water. A few well-chosen words of affirmation can work magic, too: “Hey, it’s going to be okay. We’ve gotten through worse.”

 

5. Take Mini-Breaks When Things Get Too Hot

Another way couples can care for one another when a conflict starts getting too contentious is to take a short break. The point of the break isn’t to avoid the situation; rather, it’s to give yourselves a chance to calm down and refocus the conversation.

During your mini-break (five or ten minutes may be enough), work on empathizing with your partner and his or her position (even if you don’t agree with it). Then, ask yourself what you can do to shift the conversation to a more solution-focused mindset.

 

For couples who handle conflict in this way, it doesn’t drive them apart—instead, it results in a stronger, happier relationship. And that makes sense: After all, what better testament to true love is there than caring for your partner even when they’re driving you a little crazy?

You can learn much more about this topic in the “Caretaking in Conflict” chapter of Dr. Popcak’s book, How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love. And if you could use some professional help with your marriage or other relationships, reach out to one of the Catholic counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

I Said I Was Sorry–Three Components to An Effective Apology

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Do the apologies you are giving or receiving feel empty? Does it seem like the same things are being apologized for over and over again? This often happens when the apology is just saying the words, “I’m sorry,” rather than actually holding meaning and action.

There are three components that make up an effective apology. These components can be remembered by using the acronym EAR. 

E-Empathy: The offender needs to show that they understand the depth of pain they caused.

A-Accountability: The offender needs to acknowledge that the offended party had a right to expect more from them (i.e., not “I’m sorry you’re so thin-skinned/can’t take a joke/ etc).

R-Restitution: The offender needs to demonstrate that they don’t just want to heal the damage done, but actually make the situation better than it was before by working to find ways and create a plan to prevent the offense from happening again.

Do you need help giving or getting a good apology? Are there people in your life who seem like they can’t follow these steps? Check out these resources:

Pastoral Tele-Counseling

God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!

How To Heal Your Marriage & Nurture Lasting Love