It’s an unfortunate fact of life that mind reading isn’t a real thing. If it were, maybe we would get the help and support we need without having to say anything.
Until someone invents a mind-reading device, though, we’re going to have to speak up for our needs — and we shouldn’t be afraid of doing just that, says pastoral counselor Rachel Isaac.
Isaac, who directs the faith-based success and performance coaching at CatholicCounselors.com, works with clients — athletes, executives, parents, spouses — who are learning to speak up for what they need without feeling guilty about it.
“If we have a need and we’re feeling neglected in meeting that need, we tend to think that maybe if I’m quiet enough, or if I yell enough, the other person will get the hint,” Isaac said on a recent episode of the More2Life radio show. “But this approach just hurts our feelings, hurts our relationships, and creates more distance between us and the other person.”
What Do You Need?
When she is working with clients who are frustrated that their needs aren’t being met by the important people in their lives, Isaac begins by asking a simple question: What do you wish the other person would notice that you need?
That’s usually an easy question to answer: I wish my husband would help more. I wish my boss understood how much I’m carrying. I wish my kids appreciated everything I do. I just wish someone knew I needed a break.
Then comes the tougher question: Have you ever actually told them what you need?
“Usually the answer is no, because underneath is this fear that if I ask for what I need, people will think I’m selfish, or I’m weak, or I’m too much, or they’ll just reject me altogether,” Isaac explained.
In other words, we often fail to say what we need because it feels safer to stay quiet and hope someone notices than risk being told our needs don’t matter.
‘Even Jesus Had Needs’
Isaac’s answer to that fear is simple and rooted in Scripture: “Needs aren’t weaknesses,” she said. “They’re part of being human.”
Even Jesus had needs, Isaac pointed out. He withdrew to pray, he rested, and he accepted help carrying his cross. If needs weren’t a weakness in Christ, they aren’t a weakness in us.
To be clear, Isaac acknowledges that the fear that keeps many people silent — that if we name our needs, others will ignore or trivialize them — is a real possibility.
But the solution isn’t to stifle our needs. Rather, the solution is to find another way to ensure your basic needs are met.
“How will you respond to ensure that you’re taking yourself seriously, whether the other person is taking you seriously or not?” Isaac said. “I always remind people that confidence isn’t a feeling, it’s a practice. So every time you communicate a need respectfully, you’re teaching your brain, ‘I can take care of myself without abandoning other people.’ And even more importantly: ‘My worth doesn’t depend on keeping everyone else happy.’”
None of this is incompatible with a faithful Christian life. In fact, helping others learn how to live God’s love in our relationships is part of our mission as Christians.
Three Questions to Ask
Isaac offers a simple three-question framework for moving from a passive stance toward actively making your needs known.
- What do I need right now? Before you can ask for anything, you have to know what you’re actually asking for. Get specific. “I need help” is vague. “I need my spouse to take the kids Saturday morning so I can take a break” is something someone can actually respond to.
- Have I actually communicated that need? Hinting or beating around the bush doesn’t count. Instead, aim for stating your needs plainly, out loud, to the person who can do something about it.
- If that need continues to go unmet, what do I need to do next? This question isn’t aimed at punishing the other person. It’s about deciding, ahead of time, how you’ll take care of yourself if the other person continues to ignore your needs.
“Expressing your needs and setting boundaries isn’t selfish or unnecessary,” Isaac said. “They’re acts of stewardship — for yourself and for your relationships.”
Not Either-Or, but Both-And
Sometimes people shy away from stating what they need because doing so feels confrontational. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Reframing your ask as good stewardship of the relationship suggests a different approach.
As Dr. Greg Popcak pointed out during his conversation with Rachael Isaac, naming your needs isn’t about dismissing the other person’s needs. Instead, in a healthy relationship, it’s about working together to find a way to attend to one another’s needs.
Take a moment this week to ask yourself Isaac’s question: What are you hoping someone notices that you’ve never said out loud? Then consider actually saying it. You can also practice this and other important reflection questions daily with Rachael’s digital journal Not Me First, But Me Too.
For more one-on-one help learning to voice your needs and set healthy boundaries, reach out to Rachel Isaac or another pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. You may also find Dr. Greg Popcak’s book God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace with Difficult People a helpful next step.