Is Suffering Always the Holiest Choice? Not Necessarily.

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Here are a few fun facts, courtesy of marketing expert Rory Sutherland:

  • Even though Coke Zero and Diet Coke both offer zero calories, many people prefer Diet Coke. Why? Because it tastes slightly bitter rather than sweet, leading people to believe it is the true “diet” beverage.
  •  Household insecticides are often formulated to smell bad so consumers will perceive them as more effective.
  • Certain items (like wine) actually sell better at a higher price.

The weird psychological myth that leads people to believe that “the worst thing is actually the best thing” is all very good for marketers like Sutherland.

But when Catholics buy into this myth in their spiritual lives, the consequences can be disastrous, says pastoral counselor, Jacob Popcak.

The Suffering-Is-Always-Good Myth

Jacob Popcak, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, sees this pattern in some of his clients. Faced with some problem — a chronic medical condition, unhealthy relationships, unfulfilling work — they believe that the faithful response is to patiently endure the situation rather than taking action to make a positive change. They see quietly enduring the problem as “carrying their cross,” whereas making a positive change — setting healthy boundaries, looking for another job, accepting medical help — feels selfish.

“That’s not mysticism, that’s masochism,” Jacob explained on a recent episode of More2Life with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak.

Yes, the cross is central to authentic Christian faith, and Catholics believe in the possibility of redemptive suffering. But here’s the key: Jesus didn’t suffer and die on the cross for the sake of suffering and death; he did it to achieve a much greater good.

“Suffering, as Aquinas tells us, for its own sake is not a good,” he said. It may be something we encounter on the path to greater virtue or deeper union with God — but it is never the destination.

Scripture supports this. Hosea 6:6 and Matthew 9:13, among other passages, carry the same message from God: “I desire love, not sacrifice.” Not the absence of sacrifice, but a clear priority — love first, virtue first, the most genuinely good and meaningful choice first.

“It’s really important to not just assume that God is calling you to do the thing that would be the most painful or the most miserable,” Popcak says. Instead, take a deep breath, relax your shoulders, and ask yourself, “What course of action will bring me more intimacy with God and others? What is the most loving option?”

Of course, choosing the most loving option might indeed involve some kind of suffering. Giving up a higher paying job in order to have more time with your children, for example, is a real sacrifice. But it’s a sacrifice motivated by love, with a good outcome.

Three Questions to Ask Yourself

When you’re feeling depleted and stuck, Jacob Popcak suggests stepping back from the assumption that staying miserable is the holy option. Instead, ask yourself:

1. Is this suffering leading anywhere?

There’s a difference between the discomfort of genuine growth — standing up to a difficult person, having a hard conversation, making a necessary change — and simply enduring the same painful situation indefinitely. The first can be redemptive. The second may just be avoidance dressed up as virtue.

2. What would be the most loving choice?

Not the most painful, not the most self-denying — the most loving. For yourself, for the people around you, for the relationship or situation you’re trying to improve.

3. Am I turning toward God and others, or away from them?

Dr. Greg Popcak offered a helpful image: isolation under stress is like a phone battery draining in the cold. “Isolation doesn’t just leave us running low, it actively drains us,” he said. If your default response to stress is to white-knuckle it alone, that’s worth examining. We’re made for communion — with God and with the people he’s placed in our lives.

The Holiest Choice Always Leads Somewhere Good

None of this means avoiding real sacrifice when it’s called for; sometimes the loving choice is the harder one. But the starting point for discernment isn’t assuming that the hardest option is the holiest one. Instead, it’s always asking, “What will bring the most good — for me, the people I love, and in my relationship with God?”

If you’ve been white-knuckling a situation and calling it holiness, it may be worth a second look. For support in discerning the difference, reach out to Jacob Popcak or another pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

He Gets It: What the Passion and Resurrection Reveal About Your Pain, Your Life, and Your Relationships

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There is a question that sits quietly underneath so many of our struggles:

“Does anyone actually understand what this feels like?”

Not in theory, not from a distance, but really understand.

Because when you’re overwhelmed…
When your relationships feel heavy…
When you’re carrying stress, grief, loneliness, or exhaustion…

It can feel incredibly isolating.

Even when you’re surrounded by people.

 

Holy Week answers that question in a way nothing else can:

You are not alone in anything you experience.

Not one emotion.
Not one fear.
Not one moment of pain.

Because in the Passion, Jesus didn’t just suffer—
He entered into the full human experience.

He Knows What It Feels Like

If you’ve ever…

Felt anxious about what’s ahead → Jesus in the Garden
Asked “Is there another way?” → Jesus before His arrest
Felt abandoned or alone → “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
Been misunderstood or falsely judged → His trial
Been betrayed by someone close to you → Judas, Peter
Felt rejected → The crowd choosing Barabbas
Experienced physical or emotional exhaustion → Carrying the cross
Felt exposed, vulnerable, or humiliated → The crucifixion

He’s been there.

Not symbolically.
Not metaphorically.

Personally.

This is what makes Christianity so unique in the realm of both faith and mental health:

We don’t follow a God who observes suffering.

We follow a God who entered into it.

 

So often, our pain intensifies when we feel alone in it.

Isolation doesn’t just happen physically—it happens internally.

It sounds like:

“No one gets this.”
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
“I just need to push through.”
“Other people have it worse.”

But Holy Week interrupts that narrative.

Because Jesus doesn’t minimize your experience.
He validates it by having lived it.

And at the same time—He doesn’t leave you in it.

He Is With You in It, Not Just Waiting on the Other Side

Sometimes we think of God as waiting for us at the finish line.

“Once I get through this… then I’ll be okay. Then God will show up.”

But the Passion tells a different story.

God meets us:

In the anxiety
In the conflict
In the grief
In the confusion
In the exhaustion

He is not just present in your healing.

He is present in your process.

And the Resurrection Means This Isn’t the End

If the Passion tells us, “He understands,”
the Resurrection tells us, “There is hope.”

Because no matter what you are facing:

A struggling relationship
A season of burnout
Old wounds that keep resurfacing
Patterns you’re trying to break

This is not where your story has to end.

The Resurrection doesn’t erase what happened.

It transforms what seemed final into something that can be redeemed.

 

When we begin to live from this truth—that we are understood, accompanied, and not alone—it changes how we show up with others.

We become:

Less reactive, because we’re not fighting our pain alone
More compassionate, because we recognize suffering in others
More grounded, because our identity isn’t dependent on others’ responses
More capable of real connection, because we’re not hiding

We stop asking others to fully carry what only God can hold.

And from that place, we can love more freely and more fully.

An Invitation for This Week

As you walk through Holy Week and into Easter, consider this:

Where in your life do you feel most alone right now?

Bring that place to Him.

Not the cleaned-up version.
Not the “I should be fine” version.

The real version.

Because He’s already been there.

And He’s not just saying,
“I understand.”

He’s saying,
“I’m here. Right here, in this with you.”

And I will walk with you—
through the cross,
through the silence,
and into new life.

How Confidence Empowers Us To Be Who God Wills Us To Be

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Imagine you’re planning a garden, and you want to learn more about violets. Consulting an online landscaping guide, you find this entry: “Violets: they’re nowhere near as showy as the rose, and in fact, they’re often overlooked due to their small size. They’re not in bloom for most of the growing season, and when they are, their fragrance doesn’t come anywhere near to matching that of the lily….”

Besides being supremely unhelpful, you might just wonder whether the horticulturist writing that entry had prickly burrs for breakfast.

And yet, says pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac, that’s exactly the way too many Christians define themselves: “I’m not organized.” “I’m not as good at that as she is.” “I should’ve said something smarter.”

That litany of negative self-talk is a problem, she says, because it prevents us from achieving our goals, whether that’s finding healing, managing relationship problems, or making some positive change in our lives. Most Christians know to steer clear of pride, one of the seven “deadly sins”; but pride’s partner in crime, self-abasement, often slips past our defenses under the guise of humility.

“Many of us have this tendency to constantly describe ourselves based on what we’re not,” Isaac says. “We’re taught to believe that being humble means degrading ourselves, but it’s not that at all.”

Confidence: Knowing Your Worth

This negative self-assessment is so common that Rachael Isaac has developed a set of tools to help her clients boost their confidence. Unlike pride, confidence is rooted in humility, the virtue that enables us to see ourselves as we truly are.

“Confidence comes back to knowing my worth innately, knowing who God created me to be so that I can use my gifts and strengths to work for the good of myself and others and to glorify God,” she explains. “It’s not about thinking you’re better than anybody else,” she adds. “It’s about not having to compare yourself to anyone at all.”

Isaac’s words evoke the teaching of St. Thérèse of Lisieux in her Story of a Soul:

[Jesus] set before me the book of nature; I understood how all the flowers he has created are beautiful, how the splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the Lily do not take away the perfume of the little violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy…. Perfection consists in doing his will, in being what he wills us to be.

While a healthy awareness of our faults can help us grow in holiness, self-abasement— allowing our shortcomings to dominate our thinking—actually harms our spiritual growth. The virtue of confidence, Isaac says, allows us to name and recognize our strengths so that we can use those God-given gifts to serve him and “be who he wills us to be.”

Try This Simple Confidence-Building Practice

If you’re struggling with negative self-talk or wondering whether confidence is something you can reclaim, Isaac offers this simple, powerful exercise. Try it for a week and see what happens.

Step 1: Write Down One Thing You Did Well Today

Every day, jot down one or more things, big or small, that you did well. For example, you could list comforting a child after a tough day, letting someone merge in traffic, having a thoughtful conversation, or finishing a chore well. Even if these are things you do every day, they are still things you’ve done well, and they are important. 

Step 2: At the End of the Week, Reflect

Look at your list and ask, “What strength did I use to do this well?” For example, you might recognize that it was empathy that allowed you to comfort that child, and patience and generosity that enabled you to let another driver merge into traffic. You might note that you drew on wisdom gleaned from your lived experience during that thoughtful conversation, and that your attention to finishing the chore well comes from your innate diligence and commitment to excellence.

Step 3: Bring It to Prayer

Make this part of your prayer time. Thank God for the strengths he’s given you, and ask for the grace to grow in others. For example: “Lord, thank You for making me a caring person. Please help me be more strategic in handling my responsibilities today.”

Over time, this exercise will help you identify your God-given strengths and know your worth. Because your list is grounded in evidence—not the empty flattery of others—the resulting confidence boost is real and durable, not fleeting.

Equipping Yourself for Confidence

The exercise above is just one approach to building self-confidence, Isaac says. Other approaches include:

  • Brain-Body Connection: Being aware of how thoughts and emotions shape our physical and spiritual presence.
  • The Power of Imagination: Learning visualization techniques to help you prepare for challenges and build resilience.
  • Effective Expectations: Avoiding the trap of perfectionism by setting appropriate expectations.
  • Setting Healthy Boundaries: Learning how to protect your peace and prioritize your dignity.
  • Owning Your Identity: Learning how to embrace who you are without apology.

“All of this is really focused on helping each of us become our whole, healed, godly, grace-filled self that we’re meant to be,” Isaac says. “And being able to know our worth and recognize the worth of others so that we can just become the people that God created us to be.”

If you’re interested in boosting your self-confidence, consider joining Rachael Isaac’s six-session virtual Confidence Coaching Cohort. These live sessions offer a supportive group atmosphere for learning the skills that will help boost your confidence. Or, for a more personalized approach, reach out to one of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

After Trauma, EMDR Therapy Offers Hope for Healing

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“Lucy” is 62 years old, but she is still haunted by the physical and psychological abuse she experienced as a child. Although decades have passed, Lucy continues to experience anxiety, periods of deep depression, panic attacks, and other symptoms.

Most of us will experience a traumatic event at some point in our lives. The U.S. Center for PTSD defines trauma as “a shocking and dangerous event that you see or that happens to you” in which “you think that your life or others’ lives are in danger.” Anyone can experience trauma at any age, and for a wide variety of reasons: bullying at school, a car accident, or conflict with a spouse or acquaintance, for example.

Often, people are able to heal following traumatic events. But in some cases, for reasons that aren’t entirely understood, the traumatic memory gets “walled off,” making it difficult to process—and heal. In this case, the trauma can persist for years or even decades.

God Wants Our Healing

But that isn’t what God wants for us, says Dr. Mark Kolodziej, a certified traumatologist with the Pastoral Solutions Institute.

“God wants us all to enjoy our lives,” he said in a recent interview. He tells new patients who suffer from past traumas that whatever happened to them was not their fault, nor was it a punishment from God, nor do they need to carry the pain to be “good” Christians. “God doesn’t want us to be stuck in this negative place in our lives.”

With God’s help and a cooperative attitude, most individuals suffering from trauma do get better. But it doesn’t “just happen,” Kolodziej said. “Time doesn’t heal anything,” he said. “It’s what you do in that time that’s going to heal things.”

And with the advent of a relatively new type of therapy, healing can be achieved fairly quickly—sometimes, in just a few sessions, he said.

EMDR Therapy: Breaking Down Walls

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a specialized form of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) designed to help individuals process and heal from traumatic memories. Developed by Dr. Francine Shapiro in 1989, EMDR emerged from a theory that the brain processes and stores traumatic memories differently from normal memories. This difference can cause these memories to become walled off from the rest of the brain, leading to ongoing psychological and emotional distress.

During a traumatic event, the brain’s usual networking of memories and sensory experiences can go “offline,” leaving these memories unprocessed. This unprocessed trauma can manifest in various forms, such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other trauma-related conditions. The goal of EMDR is to help the brain reprocess these traumatic memories so that they no longer exert a harmful influence on a person’s life.

EMDR therapy does not require the patient to discuss the traumatic event in detail. Instead, the therapy leverages the brain’s capacity to reprocess memories through bilateral stimulation, most commonly achieved through guided eye movements, though other methods like tapping or auditory stimuli—first on one side of the body, then on the other—can also be used.

At the beginning of an EMDR session, Dr. Kolodziej asks the individual to identify a negative thought or emotion that is bothering them, such as anxiety or shame. Then he asks the person to complete a sentence associated with that negative feeling: “I am….”

“And the person will often say, ‘I am a loser,’ ‘I am afraid,’ ‘I am worthless.’ So that is your negative thought,” he said.

Then he asks the person to “float back” in their memory to the point in their life when those negative thoughts started, or to their worst instances. That’s the starting point for reprocessing the traumatic memory.

Next, he asks the person to identify a positive thought they would rather have associated with that feeling. “So right now your negative cognition is ‘I’m not worthwhile.’ ‘I’m a loser,’ right? So what would you like to change that to?” he said. “And they might say, ‘I have a lot to offer’ or ‘I am valuable’ or ‘I am strong.’ Okay, so that’s what you’d like to get to…. So now let’s let your brain work.”

This is where the “bilateral stimulation” comes in. For 20 to 30 seconds, the person follows Kolodziej’s finger without moving their head as he moves it across their field of vision, from left to right and back again several times. This stimulates the right side of the brain, then the left side of the brain, allowing it to more effectively reprocess the traumatic memory—breaking through the protective wall.

During bilateral stimulation, the person lets their thoughts flow in whatever direction seems best. The person might go into more detail about their trauma, or they might go to a completely different place. In either case, by bringing in new thoughts, “they’re reprocessing what happened and coming up with ways of being able to deal with it and cope with it,” Kolodziej said.

At the end of the bilateral stimulation, he asks the person what they are thinking or feeling. Then the whole process starts over again: naming the negative thought, the positive “replacement” thought, and the bilateral stimulation.

“They come up with another thought, and another thought, and another thought,” Kolodziej said. “I’ll have no idea where the thought process is gonna go, but what’s happening as they’re going from one thought to the next thought to the next thought, is they’re no longer stuck.”

‘Healing Can Absolutely Happen’

Over time, as the person’s brain continues to reprocess the memory, the emotional intensity associated with it diminishes. Kolodziej describes this as moving from the stage of having a “wound” to having a “scar”—a memory that no longer hijacks the present and is instead a part of the past.

EMDR is not the only way to address trauma; in certain situations, it may not even be the most appropriate method. But EMDR therapy has been widely embraced by mainstream health organizations, including the American Psychiatric Association (APA), the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, and the World Health Organization (WHO).

Whatever approach people take, Kolodziej said the most important step is to have hope that healing is possible. For those who doubt, Kolodziej offers a message of encouragement: “What if you could heal? What would that look like for you? There are so many people who have suffered like you and have found peace. With God at the helm, healing can absolutely happen.”

If you are dealing with the aftermath of a traumatic event, you can connect with Dr. Mark Kolodziej or Anne Brunette–who are both certified in EMDR–or another one of the licensed Catholic therapists at CatholicCounselors.com.

How To Raise The Dead

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Guest post by Jacob Francisco M.A., LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com


There is an emotion that can kill, and that emotion is called shame. Shame is the sense that deep down inside, at the very core of who we are, we are unlovable, unworthy, broken beyond repair, or otherwise bad. This feeling is something we are all familiar with going all the way back to the garden of Eden. For some of us, this shame seems to kill a part of us. We may describe ourselves as feeling “dead inside” or talk about the skeletons in our closet. Another common description is feeling numb all the time. 

Shame feels repulsive or ugly, like something dead, and we do not want to think about it or anyone else to know about it. It’s a natural impulse to bury something that is dead. We do this in the physical world and we do this emotionally. So we toss it in a hole and throw heavy stones on top to keep it buried. We medicate our self-loathing or despair with things that make us feel better in the moment; food, TV, social media, substances, pornography or other sexual behaviors, oversleeping, overworking. The list is endless. Sometimes the thing we use to bury the shame is even more of what we are ashamed of, and so the cycle continues around and around. Oftentimes we are able to numb out the shame to the point that we rarely consider it consciously anymore. We may deny that we have any shame at all. This dead part of us that we have now buried is a festering, rotting, thing that poisons the other parts of us. It spreads like a plague into many areas of our life, warping our thoughts and emotions into twisted half-truths that trap us in despair or suffering. 

Christ came to raise the dead in all senses of that phrase. He came that you may have life, and have it to the full. When Lazarus had died and Jesus went to Bethany, Martha and Mary asked Jesus for a miracle. In response to this request He says, “Take away the stone.” In other words, Jesus requires an act of faith. He requires that they work for what they pray for. Jesus is the only one who can do this and He requires that we clear the way.

 Here are a few steps to do just that:

  1. Identify the stone. What are the stones I have piled up over my shame? What sinful or unhealthy behaviors do I feel stuck in or powerless to change?
  2. Work for the miracle. I must do what is in my power to grow and become more healthy. I must act before I feel better. I need to cut away sinful behavior from my life. I must act contrary to my unhealthy urges and desires.
  3. Seek help. Big stones rolled in front of tombs are heavy! You will need help from someone trustworthy, mature, and/or professional. Start asking the Lord for the faith you need to believe He can raise the dead.
  4. Tell your story. Shame is like mold. It grows where it is dark and cool and hidden. Share your story with a trusted person. Let the light and the heat into that tomb. 
  5. Have faith and courage. Do what is within your power, and God will do what is within His. Your faith can raise the dead.

If you would like more resources or support to work through shame or other difficult emotions, reach out to a Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

Use the ‘Fortress and Communion’ Prayer to Heal Past Hurts and Protect Your Heart

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Have you ever felt deeply hurt or attacked, only to find yourself struggling to forgive and move forward? Christians are told to love their enemies and pray for those who persecute them— but how do you do this when you are hurting?

This dilemma is what prompted Dave McClow, M.Div., LCSW, LMFT, a therapist at the Pastoral Solutions Institute, to develop a process of healing and forgiveness that he calls the “Fortress and Communion” prayer. This approach helps you protect your heart and transfer negative emotions, ultimately leading to genuine healing and forgiveness.

Understanding the Fortress and Communion Prayer

Dave explained the prayer process in a recent interview with CatholicCounselors.com. When we are hurt, he said, our feelings become dysregulated, and we often turn the people who hurt us into enemies. Moreover, emotional hurt often shows up with physical symptoms.

“When emotions get activated, we get a feeling in our body—it could be in our stomach, chest, shoulders, neck, jaw, eyes, head,” he said. “These physical sensations signal that it’s time to address the underlying emotional pain.”

The Fortress and Communion prayer provides a structured way to begin the healing process and restore a sense of peace and balance, emotionally and physically.

 

Step 1: Building Your Fortress

The first part of the process is about protecting your heart, which McClow describes as creating a “fortress.” He likens it to the walled city of Jerusalem, with your heart being the Holy of Holies at the center of the Temple that must be protected. Visualize this fortress (like the walls around the city) and imagine placing those who have hurt you outside its walls.

McClow suggests that clients use vivid imagery, such as catapulting people out of the fortress, to create a physical and emotional boundary.

“When you get them outside, you want to feel a physiological shift,” he said. This shift might be felt in areas like your stomach or chest, where tension is stored. If the initial boundary doesn’t create enough relief, mentally push them farther away (a tropical island, the moon, Mars, etc.) until you feel a noticeable difference.

Step 2: Transferring Negative Emotions

Once the fortress is established and the hurtful individuals are outside, the next step is to transfer the negative emotions to Jesus. This is where the “communion” aspect comes in. Imagine Jesus on the cross outside your fortress, absorbing all the anger, hurt, and negative energy from the person who hurt you.

“Let all the anger, all the rage, all the hurt from that person go into Jesus,” Dave advised.

This step is about visualizing the transfer of these emotions, allowing Jesus to “take the hit” for you. It’s a deeply spiritual and healing process, McClow said: “Jesus is kind of our emotional sanitation department: he picks up our garbage, processes our sewage, and takes care of it for us.”

Step 3: The Resurrection and Transformation

After transferring the negative emotions to Jesus, ask him to take them through the resurrection. This step involves transforming the negative energy into something positive.

“In physics, you can’t destroy energy; you can only transfer or transform it,” McClow said. “We’ve transferred it; now we’re going to transform it.”

Visualize this transformation as an explosion of love and light, turning the negative into something beautiful. This step can be deeply felt, with some people imagining fireworks or other vivid images.

Step 4: Spiritual Communion

The final step is to ask Jesus to offer spiritual communion to everyone involved. This includes not only yourself and the person who hurt you but also extends to intergenerational healing.

“Ask Jesus to give communion—his infinite love—to everybody involved,” McClow said. “This includes your ancestors, any souls in purgatory connected to the event, and your descendants, ensuring that the healing permeates through generations.”

Sometimes, his clients are still reluctant to ask Jesus to give their enemy or persecutor communion. “If you’re still mad at the bully, you can visualize infinite love knocking him on his butt,” McClow said. “Because infinite love coming into a finite suffering is impactful. So if you need to do that, that’s fine.”

“In the Depths of the Heart’

The Fortress and Communion prayer draws on many sources in the Catholic tradition, but it takes particular inspiration from the Catechism of the Catholic Church’s reflection on the lines about forgiveness in the Lord’s prayer:

“It is there, in fact, ‘in the depths of the heart,’ that everything is bound and loosed. It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion and purifies the memory in transforming the hurt into intercession” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2843).

That quote is the entire process in a nutshell, McClow said: “You can have the memory without the feelings. That’s purifying the memory by transforming hurt into intercession.”

The Fortress and Communion prayer is versatile and can be used in various situations, from dealing with past traumas to handling daily annoyances. Like many forms of contemplative or meditative prayer, it gets easier with practice. At first, you may want to set aside 15 to 30 minutes to walk through the process thoroughly. Once it becomes habitual, you will be able to do it in a few minutes—say, when you’re sitting in a frustrating work meeting or trying to be patient about a crying baby on the plane.

You can see a video walkthrough of the Fortress and Communion Prayer on YouTube.

If you’d like McClow to guide you through the process, or if you’d like to work with another Catholic counselor on healing and forgiveness, reach out at CatholicCounselors.com.