Six Tools for Your Discipleship Discipline Toolbox

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When most parents think of “discipline,” they think of punishments: taking away privileges, sending kids to their rooms, or maybe scolding them into behaving better.

But as Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak say in their book Parenting Your Kids with Grace, discipline isn’t about punishment. It’s about teaching.

“Children don’t learn anything … because someone tells them to do it (or punishes them for not doing it),” the Popcaks write. “They learn because someone reviewed the expectations clearly ahead of time and then provided the structure, support, and practice the child needs to succeed.”

This is the heart of Discipleship Discipline: helping kids grow in virtue through “reason, religion, and loving-kindness,” the three core principles of St. John Bosco’s “Preventive Method” of discipline that the Popcaks have adapted into the Discipleship Discipline approach.

Earlier in this series of articles about Discipleship Discipline, we compared it to other discipline strategies and explained that this type of discipline has been shown to have better outcomes for kids and parents. We also discussed the importance of strong, secure parent-child relationships for the success of any discipline strategy.

Now that we have those foundations, let’s look at some of the most important “tools,” or strategies, in the Discipleship Discipline “toolbox.” In this post, we’ll introduce the first six of these tools.

1. Rituals and Routines

Family rituals are more than nice habits — they are daily “catechisms” in Christian living. By intentionally working, playing, talking, and praying together, parents model how to live balanced, godly lives. That might look like cleaning up the kitchen together after meals, having family story time, or blessing one another before bed.

Routines are equally important. Consistent morning and bedtime patterns, or predictable ways of handling chores, create a “current” that carries the family through daily life with less stress. Instead of fighting about what should happen, kids learn, “That’s just the way it is in our house.”

2. Collecting

Too often, parents shout instructions from another room and then get frustrated when kids don’t follow through. Collecting helps avoid that cycle. Before giving an instruction, parents “collect” their child by going to them, engaging warmly, and ensuring they’re truly listening.

That might mean kneeling down, making eye contact, offering a gentle touch, and saying, “Hey buddy, I need you to….” Parents also check for obstacles, have the child repeat back the instruction, and encourage them as they begin the task. This simple practice takes a minute or two, but it prevents the meltdowns that often come from barking orders.

3. Team-Building

Every family has “rough patches” in the day — after school, before bed, during chores. Instead of treating these times as inevitable chaos, team-building invites everyone to work together. Parents gather the family, name the problem, and ask, “How can we take better care of one another during this time?”

Kids are more cooperative when they help create the solution. If the 90 minutes right after school are consistently chaotic, for example, the whole family might gather together to agree on a routine. Part of that discussion might include checking in with each other to ask what that person needs most during that time of day—time alone, a snack, a hug, a listening ear? The result of this team-building exercise will be a calmer, more connected household — not because Mom or Dad cracked the whip, but because the family became a team.

4. Catch Them Being Good

It’s easy to focus on what kids are doing wrong. But discipline becomes more effective when we notice what they’re doing right. The Popcaks urge parents to “catch them being good.”

That might mean saying, “I really like the way you’re sharing with your sister,” or, “You really plowed through that homework assignment, even when you got frustrated—you really are persistent!” These small moments of affirmation light up a child’s heart, reinforce virtues like responsibility and kindness, and remind them that their efforts are seen and valued. Far from spoiling kids, encouragement builds their confidence and generosity.

5. Virtue-Prompting

When kids are frustrated, parents often slip into convincing, lecturing, or even arguing. Virtue-prompting takes a different approach. Instead of telling kids what to do, you ask: “What do you think the generous thing to do would be?” or “How could you say that in a more respectful way?”

By prompting kids to name the virtue themselves, parents help them shift from emotional reactivity to moral reflection. Over time, children learn to approach problems not just by avoiding trouble, but by actively seeking virtue.

6. Do-Overs

Do-overs give kids a chance to try again when their first attempt fell short. Whether they’ve spoken disrespectfully or rushed through a chore, parents calmly say, “Let’s try that again, with your best effort and a respectful tone.”

This practice avoids both nagging and punishment. Instead, it communicates confidence that the child can do better — and teaches that what matters isn’t just checking off a task, but doing it with love and integrity.

Building Peaceful, Virtuous Homes

Each of these six tools helps parents guide their children without yelling, bribing, or punishing. More importantly, they strengthen the parent–child bond — the real foundation of Discipleship Discipline. By using rituals and routines, collecting, team-building, catching kids being good, virtue-prompting, and do-overs, you’re not just managing behavior. You’re raising competent, caring children who know how to love, cooperate, and grow in virtue.

For more practical tools like these, pick up a copy of Parenting Your Kids with Grace by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support in your parenting journey, consider joining the community of Catholic parents and pastoral counselors over at CatholicHŌM.

How to Cope as Kids Leave the Nest

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As any new parent quickly learns (usually in the middle of the night), raising kids can be both joyful and really challenging. And while it may be hard to believe during those 2 a.m. feedings, saying goodbye to young adult children as they head off for a new life can be one of the tougher moments.

Anne Brunette, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., had a rough few weeks after dropping her oldest child off at a university five hours away.

“I cried the whole way home,” she said in a recent interview. “I called a friend, I talked to my husband. I wrote her a couple of letters and we talked a lot in the beginning, and it gradually kept getting better.”

Since seeing off that first child, she has gone through the same process with two sons as well. “And I will have to tell you next year at this time how it goes with the youngest,” she said, laughing. “That’s going to be its own challenge.”

In the meantime, as a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, she has helped plenty of other parents navigate the transition from childhood to young adulthood.

Most parents experience a whirlwind of feelings, with joy, pride, and excitement living right alongside worry, anxiety, regret, and sadness. Like Brunette herself, most parents find their way through this mini-crisis to a new, richer relationship with their child.

Still, some people have a particularly tough time due to confounding circumstances. Even when that’s not the case, there are practices that help make the transition easier. Here’s Brunette’s advice.

Prepare for a Smooth Transition in Advance

In general, the more prepared you are for this transition, the better it is likely to go, Brunette said. Investing in the relationship throughout your child’s life by prioritizing family time and creating family rituals that help you connect with one another will go a long way.

But if you haven’t had an ideal relationship with your child, don’t spend a lot of time on regret, she said. Instead, look forward to what you can do to build the relationship now. “I’ve seen it many times where the relationship wasn’t necessarily as close as anyone would have wanted it, but with vulnerability, with humility, relationships can grow at almost any age.”

In the months running up to your child’s departure, have conversations about what the relationship will look like after he leaves. Be open with your emotions; share your hopes and expectations with one another.

“Not in a ‘Okay, this is what we expect of you’ way,” Brunette said, “but just a sharing of emotions about the leaving and a sharing of hopes for what the relationship can look like in the future with this change.”

Be concrete: How will you communicate, and how often? As your child gets her footing in young adult life, how much help from Mom or Dad is enough—and how much is too much?

Rituals can help ease the transition, too. Some families have a special meal or sending-off gathering. A family blessing can be powerful, too, Brunette said.

“It provides a ritual that is memorable and where everyone is able to share perhaps what they will miss about that person, but also their hopes for that person,” she said. “It gives that person a sense of ‘sending forth,’ but also that sense of, ‘you can still find support here.’ Even though you’re going out, you have our love, you have our support.”

Remind your child, too, that by virtue of her baptism, she has been commissioned to bring the Gospel out into the world. This is a new phase of that ongoing, lifelong mission.

 

Embrace a New Relationship

One strategy that can help to blunt the sense of loss you might feel when a child leaves home is to very intentionally focus on what gifts will emerge from the change.

“There’s a joy that often happens when that child comes back a semester later, a year later, and you witness so much growth,” Brunette said. “And you’re able to have a different kind of relationship with that adult child that just can be so special.”

At the same time, the transition to independent young adulthood—whatever it looks like—puts both you and your child on new ground, and it can take a while to find your footing.

“You have to recognize what you can control and what you can’t,” Brunette said.

Don’t make the mistake of demanding, lecturing, or guilt-tripping your young adult child. Not only do such strategies not work, but they can push her away. “The most influential thing is to have a good relationship.”

She regularly recommends Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Your Adult Sons and Daughters by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak (also of the Pastoral Solutions Institute). The book explains how to nurture your relationship with your adult child, and how to support him or her without endorsing choices you don’t agree with.

“We all make mistakes; we all go through ups and downs with our faith life. Your adult children are going to make mistakes, too,” Brunette said. “And that’s okay. That’s how we learn. So try not to push what you think they should do, unless they ask. If they invite your advice, that’s fine. But if they don’t, don’t give it; just focus on the relationship.”

 

What If It Doesn’t Get Better?

It’s normal to feel sad, lonely, or blue for a few days or weeks after your child leaves home. But sometimes, the transition can trigger bigger issues, Brunette said. She named a few examples:

  •  Loss of identity. If your own identity has revolved around your role as a parent, or if you have an especially close relationship with your child, you might be thrown into an identity crisis, wondering, “What am I going to do with myself now?”
  • Marital problems. Without kids in the house, long-simmering marital problems can suddenly come into focus.
  • Dealing with past trauma. If you experienced past trauma, especially neglect or abuse, the departure of your child might bring all of those issues to the surface again. “if you’re really feeling strong emotions about being left or being alone, that perhaps could connect to some past experience that was really difficult,” Brunette said.

If you are dealing with any of these issues or experiencing symptoms of significant depression—for instance, you’re struggling to get up and get through the ordinary tasks of the day—then you may need to reach out for professional help.

But whether the transition is easy or fraught, Brunette always encourages parents to turn to God in prayer.

“Just trust that God is with you and with your child,” she said. “You can let go of that burden of feeling like you have to take care of that child like you used to. After all, this is what we raised them for.”

To connect with Brunette or more than a dozen other Pastoral Counselors about this or other life events, visit CatholicCounselors.org.