It was bad enough that Julie’s mother-in-law and sisters-in-law disrupted her wedding reception so horrendously that the family had to ask them to leave. But even worse, her mother-in-law kept her distance from Julie and her kids for eleven years. When she finally reached out, her “apology” was brief and breezy: “I’m sorry for everything — let’s just move forward.”
“That’s not a sincere apology to me,” Julie told Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak during a recent episode of their More2Life radio show. Meanwhile, her husband felt caught in the middle, and the wound from that wedding day had never really closed.
Lisa Popcak could empathize with Julie’s situation. “One of the things that’s really difficult is when you feel that the Lord is asking you to get yourself in right order about forgiving someone, about fixing a relationship, and they don’t want to or they don’t have the insight to, then how do you handle it?” she said during the show opener. “How do you work through that with God? I know that had been a process for me. I’m in a really good place with it, but it was a walk that I had to walk with Jesus to get there.”
In last week’s post, the Popcaks explained the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. This time, the Popcaks are going to help us understand what constitutes a genuine, sincere apology that opens the door to reconciliation. It’s a skill that’s useful whether you’re on the receiving end like Julie or you need to apologize for something yourself.
The Road to Reconciliation
Previously, the Popcaks explained the important difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness, they explained, is something one person can do alone — it’s the decision to surrender the desire to hurt someone for having hurt you. Even better, it is about getting to a place where you are able to want the offending person’s well-being.
Reconciliation, on the other hand, is about doing the work needed to repair and restore the relationship — and that requires more than two words (“I’m sorry”) and a change of subject.
When Dr. Greg helped Julie think through what she needed from her mother-in-law, he laid out three components that every meaningful apology requires.
First, a display of empathy. Somehow, the person who committed the offense needs to show that they understand how much they have hurt the other person.
Second, a display of integrity. “In other words, ‘You had a right to expect more from me,’” Dr. Popcak explained. “It wasn’t just that you have too thin a skin, or you don’t have a sense of humor, or you just have too high expectations. It’s: You’re right, I was wrong. You had a right to expect more from me, and I blew it, and I’m sorry.”
Third, the offending person needs to offer to fix the harm they caused. This might involve making a concrete proposal about what they want to do to make things right, or it might involve asking the other person what would make it right for them.
“The person who committed the offense has to be willing to listen to what we need them to do to heal the wound they caused,” Lisa said. “Asking them to listen to your needs and to do the work necessary to meet them is not refusing to forgive them. It is what authentic forgiveness and healing requires.”
Julie’s mother-in-law was missing all three things in her apology to Julie; she had offered the form of an apology without any of its substance.
“When a person isn’t capable of doing those three things as part of an apology, that means that they’re not really accepting responsibility, and you can’t trust them to not do it again,” Dr. Popcak explained.
Reconciliation Requires Hard Work from Both People
The work of achieving reconciliation isn’t only the responsibility of the person who caused the offense, though. When we set healthy boundaries with people who have hurt us, our Christian faith requires that we also provide them with a clear way forward.
In Julie’s case, the Popcaks’ advice was to sit down and talk with her husband about what that way forward would look like for his mother. “Talk together about, ‘What would we need to see from your mom to relax this boundary and to know that she’s safe to be around us and our kids?’” That sense of safety includes emotional, not just physical, safety.
This not only helps the offending person know what they need to do to restore the relationship; it also helps the person who has been hurt to objectively evaluate whether that work has been done.
“You can ask yourself, ‘Well, has she done the things that we asked her to do to let those boundaries down?’” Dr. Popcak said. “And you can answer yes or no. And then you make your decision based on an objective criteria, not just how you feel about it.”
The Three Steps of a Real Apology
If someone hasn’t accepted your apology — or you sense that what you’ve offered hasn’t truly landed — here are three ways to move toward the kind of accountability that actually opens doors.
- Name the specific harm you caused. Vague apologies (“I’m sorry for everything”) signal that you haven’t really reckoned with what happened. Before you approach someone, ask yourself: Can I name exactly what I did wrong? Can I describe how it hurt them? If not, more reflection is needed first.
- Accept what they need without arguing about it. Once you’ve acknowledged the harm, the other person’s response belongs to them. They may need more time than you’d like. They may not be ready to reconcile at all. Accepting that without pressure or manipulation is itself an act of love.
- Work out a clear path forward. When the other person is ready to reconcile, work with them to name exactly what needs to happen to repair the harm you caused in the relationship.
Then it’s all about following through. The first three steps are the key that opens the door that has closed between you and the other person; this key allows the possibility of reconciliation. But it is consistent, changed behavior over time that makes it real.
Let God’s Grace In
Knowing these basic elements of real reconciliation provides a road map forward. Of course, when the wounds cut deep, moving through these steps can still be very difficult on both sides. Prayer, Lisa said, is essential to help us do what we can’t otherwise do on our own.
“Involving the Holy Spirit in this really matters,” Lisa said. ”We can’t white-knuckle our way through forgiveness or even come up with a plan without the grace of the Holy Spirit being invited into the situation.”
Real reconciliation can’t be forced or rushed. It grows from genuine accountability, patience, and grace.
“Asking for and receiving forgiveness,” Dr. Greg said, “is just the first step on the road back from hurts.”
If you need extra help with the challenges of giving and receiving forgiveness, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.