How Confidence Empowers Us To Be Who God Wills Us To Be

Posted on by

Imagine you’re planning a garden, and you want to learn more about violets. Consulting an online landscaping guide, you find this entry: “Violets: they’re nowhere near as showy as the rose, and in fact, they’re often overlooked due to their small size. They’re not in bloom for most of the growing season, and when they are, their fragrance doesn’t come anywhere near to matching that of the lily….”

Besides being supremely unhelpful, you might just wonder whether the horticulturist writing that entry had prickly burrs for breakfast.

And yet, says pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac, that’s exactly the way too many Christians define themselves: “I’m not organized.” “I’m not as good at that as she is.” “I should’ve said something smarter.”

That litany of negative self-talk is a problem, she says, because it prevents us from achieving our goals, whether that’s finding healing, managing relationship problems, or making some positive change in our lives. Most Christians know to steer clear of pride, one of the seven “deadly sins”; but pride’s partner in crime, self-abasement, often slips past our defenses under the guise of humility.

“Many of us have this tendency to constantly describe ourselves based on what we’re not,” Isaac says. “We’re taught to believe that being humble means degrading ourselves, but it’s not that at all.”

Confidence: Knowing Your Worth

This negative self-assessment is so common that Rachael Isaac has developed a set of tools to help her clients boost their confidence. Unlike pride, confidence is rooted in humility, the virtue that enables us to see ourselves as we truly are.

“Confidence comes back to knowing my worth innately, knowing who God created me to be so that I can use my gifts and strengths to work for the good of myself and others and to glorify God,” she explains. “It’s not about thinking you’re better than anybody else,” she adds. “It’s about not having to compare yourself to anyone at all.”

Isaac’s words evoke the teaching of St. Thérèse of Lisieux in her Story of a Soul:

[Jesus] set before me the book of nature; I understood how all the flowers he has created are beautiful, how the splendor of the rose and the whiteness of the Lily do not take away the perfume of the little violet or the delightful simplicity of the daisy…. Perfection consists in doing his will, in being what he wills us to be.

While a healthy awareness of our faults can help us grow in holiness, self-abasement— allowing our shortcomings to dominate our thinking—actually harms our spiritual growth. The virtue of confidence, Isaac says, allows us to name and recognize our strengths so that we can use those God-given gifts to serve him and “be who he wills us to be.”

Try This Simple Confidence-Building Practice

If you’re struggling with negative self-talk or wondering whether confidence is something you can reclaim, Isaac offers this simple, powerful exercise. Try it for a week and see what happens.

Step 1: Write Down One Thing You Did Well Today

Every day, jot down one or more things, big or small, that you did well. For example, you could list comforting a child after a tough day, letting someone merge in traffic, having a thoughtful conversation, or finishing a chore well. Even if these are things you do every day, they are still things you’ve done well, and they are important. 

Step 2: At the End of the Week, Reflect

Look at your list and ask, “What strength did I use to do this well?” For example, you might recognize that it was empathy that allowed you to comfort that child, and patience and generosity that enabled you to let another driver merge into traffic. You might note that you drew on wisdom gleaned from your lived experience during that thoughtful conversation, and that your attention to finishing the chore well comes from your innate diligence and commitment to excellence.

Step 3: Bring It to Prayer

Make this part of your prayer time. Thank God for the strengths he’s given you, and ask for the grace to grow in others. For example: “Lord, thank You for making me a caring person. Please help me be more strategic in handling my responsibilities today.”

Over time, this exercise will help you identify your God-given strengths and know your worth. Because your list is grounded in evidence—not the empty flattery of others—the resulting confidence boost is real and durable, not fleeting.

Equipping Yourself for Confidence

The exercise above is just one approach to building self-confidence, Isaac says. Other approaches include:

  • Brain-Body Connection: Being aware of how thoughts and emotions shape our physical and spiritual presence.
  • The Power of Imagination: Learning visualization techniques to help you prepare for challenges and build resilience.
  • Effective Expectations: Avoiding the trap of perfectionism by setting appropriate expectations.
  • Setting Healthy Boundaries: Learning how to protect your peace and prioritize your dignity.
  • Owning Your Identity: Learning how to embrace who you are without apology.

“All of this is really focused on helping each of us become our whole, healed, godly, grace-filled self that we’re meant to be,” Isaac says. “And being able to know our worth and recognize the worth of others so that we can just become the people that God created us to be.”

If you’re interested in boosting your self-confidence, consider joining Rachael Isaac’s six-session virtual Confidence Coaching Cohort. These live sessions offer a supportive group atmosphere for learning the skills that will help boost your confidence. Or, for a more personalized approach, reach out to one of the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.

How To Raise The Dead

Posted on by

Guest post by Jacob Francisco M.A., LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com


There is an emotion that can kill, and that emotion is called shame. Shame is the sense that deep down inside, at the very core of who we are, we are unlovable, unworthy, broken beyond repair, or otherwise bad. This feeling is something we are all familiar with going all the way back to the garden of Eden. For some of us, this shame seems to kill a part of us. We may describe ourselves as feeling “dead inside” or talk about the skeletons in our closet. Another common description is feeling numb all the time. 

Shame feels repulsive or ugly, like something dead, and we do not want to think about it or anyone else to know about it. It’s a natural impulse to bury something that is dead. We do this in the physical world and we do this emotionally. So we toss it in a hole and throw heavy stones on top to keep it buried. We medicate our self-loathing or despair with things that make us feel better in the moment; food, TV, social media, substances, pornography or other sexual behaviors, oversleeping, overworking. The list is endless. Sometimes the thing we use to bury the shame is even more of what we are ashamed of, and so the cycle continues around and around. Oftentimes we are able to numb out the shame to the point that we rarely consider it consciously anymore. We may deny that we have any shame at all. This dead part of us that we have now buried is a festering, rotting, thing that poisons the other parts of us. It spreads like a plague into many areas of our life, warping our thoughts and emotions into twisted half-truths that trap us in despair or suffering. 

Christ came to raise the dead in all senses of that phrase. He came that you may have life, and have it to the full. When Lazarus had died and Jesus went to Bethany, Martha and Mary asked Jesus for a miracle. In response to this request He says, “Take away the stone.” In other words, Jesus requires an act of faith. He requires that they work for what they pray for. Jesus is the only one who can do this and He requires that we clear the way.

 Here are a few steps to do just that:

  1. Identify the stone. What are the stones I have piled up over my shame? What sinful or unhealthy behaviors do I feel stuck in or powerless to change?
  2. Work for the miracle. I must do what is in my power to grow and become more healthy. I must act before I feel better. I need to cut away sinful behavior from my life. I must act contrary to my unhealthy urges and desires.
  3. Seek help. Big stones rolled in front of tombs are heavy! You will need help from someone trustworthy, mature, and/or professional. Start asking the Lord for the faith you need to believe He can raise the dead.
  4. Tell your story. Shame is like mold. It grows where it is dark and cool and hidden. Share your story with a trusted person. Let the light and the heat into that tomb. 
  5. Have faith and courage. Do what is within your power, and God will do what is within His. Your faith can raise the dead.

If you would like more resources or support to work through shame or other difficult emotions, reach out to a Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.

You’re Just Not as Awesome as You Think. Fostering A Healthier Take on “Self-Esteem”

Posted on by

It might surprise you coming from a mental health professional, but I’m not a big fan of “self-esteem.”  Not that I want anyone to feel badly about themselves.  It’s just that what most people think of as “self-esteem”  (i.e., telling a child that  he is awesome just because he managed to draw breath without tripping over his tongue) isn’t terrifically effective and doesn’t bear terrifically good fruit.

But as much as you hear about self-esteem on children’s television and daytime talk shows, psychologists prefer to talk about “self-efficacy.”  Self-efficacy is defined as the good feelings one gets from knowing that one has ability to set and meet personal, emotional, or temporal goals.   Knowing I have the power to effect change, to achieve, to identify how to move from how I do feel to how I would like to feel, is an important component of a healthier and more authentic sense of self-esteem.

It is this second type of self-esteem, rooted in self-efficacy, that Dr. Justin Coulson, discusses in this article at the Family Studies Blog (of the Institute for Family Studies).  Dr. Coulson is an Australian parenting expert and psychologist (as well as a father of six kids).  He notes that the type of self-esteem that you usually think about and that  studies usually measure is actually related to risky, violent, and aggressive behavior as well as other problems. As an alternative, Dr. Coulson suggests instilling in kids a healthier form of self-esteem built on doing good things, using their talents, and having a solid relationship with their parents.    Its some good stuff.  Check it out!

And if you’d like to learn more about raising kids to have a healthy sense of self-esteem (instead of the narcissistic, insidious kind) check out Parenting with Grace:  The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.

Posted on by

COMING FRI:  The Tyranny of the Shoulds–The Theology of the Body reminds us that there is more to life, but that’s different from beating ourselves (and others) about not being there yet. Today on M2L, we’ll look at how to be gentle with ourselves and others as we try to live peaceably with the fact that we are all works in progress.

We’d love your feedback on the question of the day!  What imperfections in yourself or others is it hardest for you to know whether you should just accept or keep fighting against?

——————————————————-

Listen to More2Life live weekdays from Noon-1pm E (11am-Noon C).  Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you?  Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch the M2L Podcast!