Here are a few fun facts, courtesy of marketing expert Rory Sutherland:
- Even though Coke Zero and Diet Coke both offer zero calories, many people prefer Diet Coke. Why? Because it tastes slightly bitter rather than sweet, leading people to believe it is the true “diet” beverage.
- Household insecticides are often formulated to smell bad so consumers will perceive them as more effective.
- Certain items (like wine) actually sell better at a higher price.
The weird psychological myth that leads people to believe that “the worst thing is actually the best thing” is all very good for marketers like Sutherland.
But when Catholics buy into this myth in their spiritual lives, the consequences can be disastrous, says pastoral counselor, Jacob Popcak.
The Suffering-Is-Always-Good Myth
Jacob Popcak, a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, sees this pattern in some of his clients. Faced with some problem — a chronic medical condition, unhealthy relationships, unfulfilling work — they believe that the faithful response is to patiently endure the situation rather than taking action to make a positive change. They see quietly enduring the problem as “carrying their cross,” whereas making a positive change — setting healthy boundaries, looking for another job, accepting medical help — feels selfish.
“That’s not mysticism, that’s masochism,” Jacob explained on a recent episode of More2Life with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak.
Yes, the cross is central to authentic Christian faith, and Catholics believe in the possibility of redemptive suffering. But here’s the key: Jesus didn’t suffer and die on the cross for the sake of suffering and death; he did it to achieve a much greater good.
“Suffering, as Aquinas tells us, for its own sake is not a good,” he said. It may be something we encounter on the path to greater virtue or deeper union with God — but it is never the destination.
Scripture supports this. Hosea 6:6 and Matthew 9:13, among other passages, carry the same message from God: “I desire love, not sacrifice.” Not the absence of sacrifice, but a clear priority — love first, virtue first, the most genuinely good and meaningful choice first.
“It’s really important to not just assume that God is calling you to do the thing that would be the most painful or the most miserable,” Popcak says. Instead, take a deep breath, relax your shoulders, and ask yourself, “What course of action will bring me more intimacy with God and others? What is the most loving option?”
Of course, choosing the most loving option might indeed involve some kind of suffering. Giving up a higher paying job in order to have more time with your children, for example, is a real sacrifice. But it’s a sacrifice motivated by love, with a good outcome.
Three Questions to Ask Yourself
When you’re feeling depleted and stuck, Jacob Popcak suggests stepping back from the assumption that staying miserable is the holy option. Instead, ask yourself:
1. Is this suffering leading anywhere?
There’s a difference between the discomfort of genuine growth — standing up to a difficult person, having a hard conversation, making a necessary change — and simply enduring the same painful situation indefinitely. The first can be redemptive. The second may just be avoidance dressed up as virtue.
2. What would be the most loving choice?
Not the most painful, not the most self-denying — the most loving. For yourself, for the people around you, for the relationship or situation you’re trying to improve.
3. Am I turning toward God and others, or away from them?
Dr. Greg Popcak offered a helpful image: isolation under stress is like a phone battery draining in the cold. “Isolation doesn’t just leave us running low, it actively drains us,” he said. If your default response to stress is to white-knuckle it alone, that’s worth examining. We’re made for communion — with God and with the people he’s placed in our lives.
The Holiest Choice Always Leads Somewhere Good
None of this means avoiding real sacrifice when it’s called for; sometimes the loving choice is the harder one. But the starting point for discernment isn’t assuming that the hardest option is the holiest one. Instead, it’s always asking, “What will bring the most good — for me, the people I love, and in my relationship with God?”
If you’ve been white-knuckling a situation and calling it holiness, it may be worth a second look. For support in discerning the difference, reach out to Jacob Popcak or another pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.
