For two decades, Kelly and her family have tiptoed around her sister’s difficult personality and inconsiderate behavior, hoping to avoid setting her off. Eventually, the family began holding get-togethers without telling her.
“I feel so bad because I know she notices,” Kelly shared during a recent episode of More2Life with Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. “But she has literally ruined holidays and family parties with her behavior.”
Her question for the Popcaks: Was it okay to keep excluding her difficult sister, or was there a better approach?
Many of us find ourselves in similar positions, whether it is with a sibling, a spouse, or even a child who has “big feelings” that seem to dictate the climate of the entire home. We tell ourselves that by being “nice,” we are being Christian. After all, isn’t one of the spiritual works of mercy bearing wrongs patiently?
But according to the Popcaks, this approach isn’t just ineffective—it’s actually making things worse.
The Fawning Response
You’ve probably heard of fight, flight, or freeze—the brain’s automatic responses to perceived threats. But there’s a fourth response that often masquerades as kindness: fawning.
“When we fawn, what we do is we placate people because we’re afraid of getting in trouble,” Dr. Popcak said. “There are a lot of people who, when we feel threatened, fawn. We say what we feel like we need to say to get the other person to just leave us alone or not rile them up.”
But that tiptoeing, that strategic niceness, that careful management of a difficult person’s emotions—it’s not love, but fear wearing love’s clothing. Fawning doesn’t just enable bad behavior—it actively feeds it.
“The more that difficult person is fawned over, the more they feel empowered, the more they feel like they’re being given permission to be their worst selves,” Lisa Popcak explained. “Fawning…actually makes matters worse for us and for them and their own souls.”
Practicing Fortitude in the Service of Love
This is where Catholic teaching offers clarity, Lisa Popcak said. When we’re in relationship with someone, we’re called to work for three goods simultaneously: our own good, the good of the relationship, and the good of the other person. Enabling someone’s worst behavior serves none of these.
In his book, Love and Responsibility, St. John Paul II offers a different vision. Christians aren’t called to mere niceness, but to authentic love, which means challenging every person, ourselves included, to become their best self.
“More than simply being nice, Christians are really called to exhibit fortitude in the service of love,” Dr. Popcak said. This means “being willing to lovingly address issues that other people might rather ignore, to insist that problems be handled even when it’s uncomfortable, and to persistently but kindly call each other to behave in a manner that reflects our dignity as sons and daughters of God.”
This requires reframing the way we think about interacting with the difficult person, Lisa Popcak said: “This means shifting our mindset from ‘how can I get through this situation without making a fuss or ruffling feathers or causing problems’ to prayerfully asking, ‘Lord, teach me to address this situation in a way that’s charitable, loving, and effective.’ ”
3 Ways to Move from Fawning to Fortitude
The next time you catch yourself fawning in order to avoid an uncomfortable confrontation, keep these tips in mind.
1. Set clear expectations with consequences
Loving someone doesn’t mean tolerating everything they do. When someone’s behavior is consistently hurtful, genuine charity requires honesty.
As Dr. Popcak puts it, you can say something like: “I love you, but you can’t speak to us this way. When you’re ready to calm down and speak to us appropriately, you can come back and we’ll hear what you have to say.”
This isn’t harsh—it’s the same boundary you’d set with a child who was speaking inappropriately. It treats the person as capable of better, which is far more respectful than tiptoeing around them.
2. Use the ‘broken record’ technique
When someone responds to your boundary with defensiveness or escalation, don’t take the bait. Dr. Popcak recommends a simple, repeatable response: “I understand that you’re upset. I’m sorry you feel that way. I’d be happy to talk to you about it if you’re able to be respectful with me. But until you can get to that place, I can’t have this conversation with you.”
Repeat as needed.
3. Limit contact to situations the person can handle
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is not invite someone into situations they consistently fail at. This isn’t punishment—it’s protecting them a near occasion of sin.
Dr. Popcak suggested saying something like: “If I invite you into this situation, you’re going to lose it…and people are going to think less of you. It’s going to bring out the worst in you. It’s going to bring out the worst in me. So I don’t want to set us up to fail.”
This approach requires first communicating clearly what would need to change for fuller inclusion—and accepting when someone exercises their God-given free will to take another path.
Cast Out Fear, Embrace Freedom
Remember Kelly, the woman whose family no longer invited her difficult sister to family gatherings?
Greg and Lisa Popcak advised Kelly that her current approach of excluding her sister without clear communication was actually a form of fawning. Instead, they suggested that Kelly clearly communicate that while she desires a relationship with her sister, that can’t happen as long as she persists in her hurtful and disrespectful behaviors at family gatherings. Following up with clearly communicated expectations of what needs to change for the relationship to work leaves the door open to restoring the relationship, while shifting the choice of whether to participate in family gatherings to the sister.
This is true charity, a love that aims to liberate both parties from hurt and harm.
“This is another example of how perfect love casts out fear,” Dr. Popcak said. “God is calling us to a place where we can step out of that fear and that fawning response to act in genuine love, where we can be our best selves and lovingly challenge the people around us to be their best, too.”
For a deeper dive into this topic, check out Dr. Popcak’s book, God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People. And for more personalized help developing the confidence and skills to handle difficult relationships with both charity and effectiveness, reach out to the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com.
