Trust Me (?)

 

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Shutterstock

Trust is in the news a lot these days as candidates from both parties present their ideas and ask us to trust them to lead nation.  But the campaign raises an interesting question.  How do we ever know whom we can really trust?  It can be especially difficult to know whether to trust someone on a personal level–particularly  if they have hurt you in the past.

Some people respond to this dilemma by trusting people too much and too quickly,  backing off only after they’ve been wounded.   Others do the opposite, withholding trust until someone has jumped through enough hoops to prove themselves.    Obviously, neither approach works well.  Christians, in particular, have to balance our moral right to defend our dignity and integrity with the moral obligation to reach out to others and create loving communion with the people in our lives. Having a healthy perspective on trust allows us to find the response that serves both important needs.

The most important thing to remember is that trust is not an all or nothing proposition.  It is possible to trust a person in some areas or with some responsibilities but not in other areas.  But how do you know what those areas are and to what degree you can trust a person in any context?  It comes down to four factors.

 

4 Trust Factors:  Ability, Integrity, Benevolence.

Psychologists believe that trustworthy people exhibit four qualities; ability, integrity, benevolence and consistency.

Ability–refers to a person’s capacity for doing what they say they are going to do.  To what degree does a person only promise what they are actually capable of doing?  Does that person actually follow through on promises or do they say all the right things in the moment only to fail to show up later?   The answer to questions like these demonstrates how much a person has the ability to be trusted.  By contrast, untrustworthy people can be charming and well-meaning, but they are unreliable  in that they overpromise or lack follow-though.

 

Integrity–means that a person has a sufficiently well-developed value system that they tend not to give offense in the first place, tend to self-correct when they do others, or are at least willing to generously hear and respond proactively when they are told they have been offensive.  A person with impaired integrity doesn’t tend to care that he has given offense and becomes automatically defensive if told he has been hurtful in some way.  Such a person  gives apologies grudgingly and rarely displays the humility necessary to learn from missteps.  People who behave this way can’t be trusted because they don’t have a well-developed moral sense.  They tend to do what they think can get away with or manage to explain away and only repent under pressure–and then, only half-heartedly.  People with integrity, on the other hand, see the offenses they commit against others as a mark against their own character, and because they are committed to living out a particular set of values, they work hard to faithful to those principles no matter what.

 

Benevolence–refers to the degree to which the person you want to trust has shown you that he or she is willing to work for your good, especially when it has required some sacrifice or inconvenience on his or her part.   A person who is willing to put themselves out for your sake is more worth of your trust than someone who isn’t.  People who lack benevolence could be friendly and charming on the outside, but when you need something, their selfish tendencies come out along with their catalog of excuses.

 

Consistency–even the most irresponsible person manages to follow through occasionally.  Even the abusive person manages to say, “sorry” or do something nice once in a while.  It is our ability to count on a person to demonstrate ability, integrity and benevolence consistently that makes them truly trustworthy.  Inconsistently demonstrating the qualities of a trustworthy person is the same as not demonstrating them at all.

 

 

Evaluating a person’s ability, integrity,  benevolence and consistency vs. their unreliability, defensiveness, selfishness and inconsistency enables you to have a clearer sense of how much you can trust someone, in what contexts, and to what degree.  It can also give you a guide for dealing with those you have a hard time trusting by helping you highlight why and what might be done to resolve those obstacles to trust.

 

To learn more about whom to trust and how to heal broken trust, check out God Help Me, These People are Driving Me Nuts!  Making Peace with Difficult People (Crossroads).

 

Dr. Greg Popcak is the author of many books and the host of More2Life Radio.  To learn more about Catholic counseling and other resources, visit CatholicCounselors.com

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire! 9 Signs They’re Not Telling the Truth (AND 3 Things You Can Do About It).

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Shutterstock

New research suggests that, rather than going with our gut to know whether someone is being truthful or not, it is better to focus on a particular cue, like how hard someone has to think about what they’re saying or how much what they are saying squares with what we know to be true.

In general, studies find that the average person has a slightly better than even chance (54%) of detecting a lie from a stranger.  This goes up to 60% for people who are trained. Of course, the closer you are to someone, the more likely it is you also know the “tells” that indicate that they are not being honest.  Likewise, you can increase your skill by becoming aware of the general cues that often attend lying behavior.  For instance…

 

  • When questioned, deceptive people generally want to say as little as possible. Researchers initially thought they would tell an elaborate story, but the vast majority give only the bare-bones. Studies with college students, as well as prisoners, show this.
  • Although deceptive people do not say much, they tend to spontaneously give a justification for what little they are saying, without being prompted.
  • They tend to repeat questions before answering them, perhaps to give themselves time to concoct an answer.
  • They often monitor the listener’s reaction to what they are saying. They try to read you to see if you are buying their story.
  • They often initially slow down their speech because they have to create their story and monitor your reaction, and when they have it straight “will spew it out faster.” Truthful people are not bothered if they speak slowly, but deceptive people often think slowing their speech down may look suspicious. “Truthful people will not dramatically alter their speech rate within a single sentence.”
  • They tend to use sentence fragments more frequently than truthful people; often, they will start an answer, back up and not complete the sentence.
  • They are more likely to press their lips when asked a sensitive question and are more likely to play with their hair or engage in other “grooming” behaviors. Gesturing toward one’s self with the hands tends to be a sign of deception; gesturing outwardly is not.
  • Truthful people, if challenged about details, will often deny that they are lying and explain even more, while deceptive people generally will not provide more specifics.
  • When asked a difficult question, truthful people will often look away because the question requires concentration, while dishonest people will look away only briefly, if at all, unless it is a question that should require intense concentration.

There are actually three things that you can do to tease apart lies from the truth in those times that you aren’t sure whether someone is being completely honest…

  • Have people tell their story backwards, starting at the end and systematically working their way back. Instruct them to be as complete and detailed as they can. This technique increases the cognitive load to push them over the edge. A deceptive person, even a professional liar, is under a heavy cognitive load as he tries to stick to his story while monitoring your reaction.
  • Ask open-ended questions to get them to provide as many details and as much complete information as possible (“Can you tell me more about…?” “Tell me exactly…”). First ask general questions, and only then get more specific.
  • Don’t interrupt, let them talk and use silent pauses to encourage them to talk.

The most important thing to remember is that trust is a critical part of healthy relationships.  Whether or not you can “prove” wrongdoing on the other’s part, the feeling that you can’t trust, say, your spouse or your child, is a significant problem in and of itself that deserves attention.  If you can’t figure out how to rebuild the trust in your relationships on your own, don’t wait.   Seek professional help to heal the hurt before suspicion undermines the relationship altogether.

 

Can I Trust You?

It can be difficult to know whether you can trust someone in the first place.  It can be especially difficult to know how to trust someone again if they have hurt you.

Some people respond to the question by trusting people almost completely and backing off only when they get hurt.   Others do the opposite, witholding trust until someone has jumped through enough hoops to prove themselves.    Obviously, neither approach works.

In dealing with the question of trust, the most important thing to remember is that trust is not an all or nothing proposition.  It is possible to trust a person in some areas or with some responsibilities but not in other areas.  So how do you know what those areas are and to what degree you can trust a person in any context?  It comes down to three factors.

3 Trust Factors:  Ability, Integrity, Benevolence.

Research shows that trust is made up of three different components; ability, integrity and benevolence.

Ability–refers to a person’s capacity for doing what they say they are going to do.  To what degree does a person only promise what they are actually capable of doing?  Does that person actually follow through on promises or does that person say all the right thing in the moment but then fail to show up later?   The answer to questions like these will either support or undermine trust that is related to ability.

Integrity–means that a person has a sufficiently well-developed value system that they tend not to give offense in the first place, tend to self-correct when they do or are at least willing to generously hear and respond proactively when they are told they have been offensive.  A person with impaired integrity doesn’t tend to care that he has given offense and becomes automatically defensive if told he has been hurtful in some way.  A person who has impaired integrity only gives apologies grudgingly and rarely displays the humility necessary to learn from missteps.  That’s because they don’t have enough of an internalized value system to check their own behavior against.  Such a person does what they want until they meet some force that stops them.   Obviously, it is harder to trust a person who operates this way.

Benevolence–refers to the degree to which the person you want to trust has shown you that he or she is willing to work for your good especially when it has required some sacrifice or inconvenience on his or her part.   A person who is willing to put themselves out for your sake is more worth of your trust than someone who isn’t.

Evaluating a person’s ability, integrity, and benevolence enables you to have a clearer sense of how much you can trust someone, in what contexts, and to what degree.  It can also give you a guide for dealing with those you have a hard time trusting by helping you highlight why and what might be done to resolve those obstacles to trust.

If you would like help cultivating greater trust in your marriage, family, or personal life, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute to learn about working with a faithful, professional Catholic counselor through our Catholic tele-counseling practice.  Visit us online or call 740-266-6461 to make an appointment.

Coming Mon 5/6 on More2Life Radio: A Question of Trust

A Question of Trust:  Trust is an important part of any relationship, especially the kind of intimate, loving relationships called for by the Theology of the Body.  Today, we’ll look at how to know whether you really can trust someone in the first place and how to regain trust once it’s lost.

 

Call in with your questions about trust at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1pm Eastern (11-Noon C).

 

And Don’t forget to respond to our M2L Q of the D:  What makes it hard for you to trust someone?

 

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COMING TUES on MORE2LIFE RADIO: A Question of Mercy.

Coming Tues on More2Life Radio:  A question of mercy.  We’ll look at mercy, what it is, what it isn’t and how to give it more freely without being taken advantage of.
Call in with your questions from Noon-1pm E (11am-Noon C) at 877-573-7825
Listen to More2Life live weekdays from Noon-1pm E (11am-Noon C). Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch the M2L Podcast!