They say, “Go big or go home.” But when it comes to keeping a marriage strong, that’s not always the best approach. In fact, sometimes it’s not even possible.
Take Marianne and Christopher. He is dealing with his second bout of cancer after suffering two strokes in the past year. Meanwhile, Marianne is working long days to support their family, including several children at home. At the end of the day, both of them are exhausted.
Marianne called in to a recent episode of More2Life to ask hosts Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak about how she and Christopher could stay connected as a couple, given their stressful circumstances.
Their situation is dramatic, but it’s not uncommon. Between full-time jobs and other family responsibilities, many couples face a similar dilemma: How do you stay close when all your time and energy is going to other responsibilities?
The Popcaks didn’t hand Marianne a grand plan; in fact, their advice was the very opposite of “go big.”
Why Small Gestures Matter
People often think that it’s the grand gestures that keep romance alive in a marriage: gifts, going out, romantic gestures. But relationship research has found that it’s the small, everyday turns toward each other, not the grand gestures, that most reliably predict which marriages last.
It’s not that the grand gestures don’t matter, but they are not as important as those small, everyday acts. Small and frequent beats big and rare, which is good news for tired couples.
Start by Reaching Out to God
Whatever challenge or stressful situation you might be facing in your marriage, the Popcaks recommend that you bring it to God before doing anything else.
“God has a plan for how he wants us to get through these things,” Dr. Greg told Marianne. “We can’t figure it out just by waking up in the morning and pointing ourselves at the day and trying our best. We have to start by saying, ‘Okay, Lord, teach us what to do. How do we show up for each other in this?’”
God wants to support you in your vocation to marriage, and pausing to pray opens the door for his grace to work more effectively in your situation.
The Popcaks offered a simple prayer template that couples can modify as needed: “Lord, help us get through this in a way that draws us closer to each other and to you. Help us be our best selves, and grow closer to one another and to you.”
Trade the Blueprint for a Simple Question
Prayer comes first. But couples still need something concrete for tired days.
Rather than a grand blueprint or strategy, the Popcaks suggest one question, asked daily: “What’s one small thing we could do to show up for each other today?”
In other words, what little things can you do for one another that are going to make you feel supported and connected? That small question does a lot to keep relationships strong, even on the hardest days.
“It can feel kind of like a big question at first,” Dr. Greg said, noting that sometimes it leaves couples stumped. Don’t settle for “I don’t know”! Take some time to really think about the little gestures that, in the past, have made you or your spouse feel supported and loved.
“I’m talking about tiny things,” Dr. Greg said: getting each other a cup of coffee, cleaning something up, putting something away.
Some couples even keep a running list of these small acts that make a big difference; that’s the idea behind the Love Lists exercise pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac often recommends.
It is also important that the question be asked and answered reciprocally. It could be tempting for Marianne to simply ask Christopher, since he’s the one who’s struggling more. But strong marriages are grounded in mutual self-giving, meaning that it’s important for each person to reach out to the other (with plenty of grace for someone’s limitations).
This simple daily practice may seem trivial, but the pastoral counselors at CatholicCounselors.com have seen it transform relationships.
“It gives you that thing to really work toward and hold onto,” Lisa said, “knowing that even in that one small way, you’re serving each other in your marriage.”
A Stronger Marriage, One Small Step at a Time
Before ending the call, the Popcaks prayed over Marianne and Christopher by name, asking the Lord for Christopher’s healing and the intercession of St. Peregrine, patron of cancer patients.
But Marianne and Christopher aren’t waiting for their circumstances to improve before they reconnect. And you don’t need to wait, either, for a lighter schedule or an easier year; you can begin working on a stronger marriage now. You just need one small thing today, and the willingness to ask again tomorrow.
For more faith-filled tools for building a stronger marriage, check out Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s book For Better…FOREVER! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage or How To Heal Your Marriage (and Nurture Lasting Love) which is also now available on Audible!
And if exhaustion has made it hard to feel close to your spouse, reach out to a pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.