When couples come to the Pastoral Counselors at CatholicCounselors.com for help improving their marriage, one of the most common issues is poor conflict resolution.
Instead of compassionately working together to resolve the problem, says Dr. Greg Popcak, couples “shame each other, they attack each other, they become defensive and hostile. They kind of make the spouse the problem instead of the problem the problem.”
Inevitably, the spouses learned these bad conflict resolution strategies from their parents in their family of origin, he says. The way their parents addressed offenses or unwanted behavior—in other words, the way they disciplined their kids—became the children’s default mode for handling offenses or relationship problems as adults.
The good news is that these bad habits can be changed. Even better news: When parents take the time to intentionally adopt a more compassionate approach to discipline, they give their children a template for problem-solving as adults.
In their practice and their educational ministries, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak teach parents Discipleship Discipline, a faith-based approach rooted in the insights of St. John Bosco. And they teach adults—such as couples seeking marriage counseling—a similar approach called Compassionate Problem Resolution (CPR). Both approaches involve the same basic steps.
“We’re teaching a way to give your children and yourselves the skills to really handle conflict and come to a really good resolution that draws you closer to each other and to God,” says Lisa Popcak.
Here are the five basic steps that can transform your family’s conflicts into opportunities for connection and spiritual growth.
Step 1: Identify the Problem Instead of Attacking the Person
Conflict is inevitable in any human relationship; even Jesus and his disciples had to cope with conflict. The key is how you approach that conflict, the Popcaks say.
For most of us, our first response is to blame the other person.
“We have to blame (the problem) on somebody so that somebody can take responsibility and fix it,” Lisa Popcak explains. “And very often it leads to name calling, attacking, running the person down. And all of that doesn’t lead to any kind of solution and really does harm to our relationship.”
Instead of heading down that dead-end road, focus on identifying the real problem. Ask yourself or your conflict partner: “What’s really going on here?”
At the same time, it’s important to curb your (very natural) defensiveness by reminding yourself that your spouse or child isn’t intentionally trying to offend you or make your life miserable; ultimately, they are trying to meet some want or need. True, the way they are going about that might not be great, but acknowledging that the people we love are not acting with real malice toward us prepares the ground for step two.
Step 2: Identify the Positive Intention Behind the Behavior
The second step is to simply ask what your conflict partner was trying to do or accomplish. This is what the Popcaks call the “positive intention” behind your child or spouse’s behavior, which is different from the cause of the behavior.
For example, your spouse might have snapped at you rudely because they were under a lot of stress at work; your young child might be a cranky, whiny, hot mess because she is overtired. But those causes aren’t the same as what they are trying to get or do.
“Don’t overanalyze this,” Dr. Popcak says. It’s as simple as asking: “What were you trying to do? What was this person trying to do by behaving this way? Were they trying to solve a problem? Were they trying to express a feeling? Were they trying to tell me something that they need?”
It is critical to work with your child or spouse to identify their positive intention, Lisa Popcak says. “You’re not going off as mom or dad trying to puzzle this out for yourself and then telling your child what their positive intention was. You’re working with them,” she says. “You can guess at it. You can ask them leading questions to find out, but you’re checking along the way: ‘Is this what you were really doing this for? Is this the intention behind the action that you took?’”
Similarly, in a conflict with your spouse, the goal is to respectfully and compassionately work with him or her to identify what their positive want or need is.
Step 3: Explore More Virtuous Alternatives
Once you’ve identified the problem and understood the intention, it’s time to consider healthier, more virtuous ways to handle similar situations in the future.
“Now we’re saying, all right, the next time something like this comes up, how could we handle it differently? What are some alternatives that we could do to make this work better?” Dr. Popcak says.
Whether you are working with your spouse or your child, the key is to cooperatively brainstorm a better way of handling the situation.
Step 4: Repair and Reaffirm the Relationship
The next step is to “check in” on your relationship to make sure everything is good. In less serious conflicts, this might be as simple as offering a reassuring hug or finding another concrete way to show that you care about the other person.
In more serious situations, it might be necessary to do something to repair the harm that was done during the conflict. This could take the form of a sincere apology, or it could be something more concrete, like a child returning the toy he took from his sister. In any case, this step is all about reinforcing the relationship by showing, in words or actions, that you really care for one another.
Step 5: Reinforce the More Virtuous Way of Handling Things
The final step is to reinforce the more virtuous, loving way of handling needs and problems.
In Discipleship Discipline, the Popcaks advocate a “wraparound technique” in which parents check in with kids at the beginning of the day and the end of the day.
“In the morning when you’re getting up and you have your brief morning prayer time, you just say, ‘Hey, you remember when this situation comes up, we talked about how to handle it this way instead of what we were doing before?’” Dr. Popcak says. Then, you talk through the alternative approach you developed in step three. With kids, you might even role-play the new approach.
“And then, at the end of the day, you check in again,” Dr. Popcak continues. You ask how it went handling similar conflicts throughout the day, and then you problem-solve any challenges the child might have had.
The point of this daily practice is to help build up muscle memory, Lisa Popcak says, so that the next time a similar conflict arises, the more constructive approach can break through the intense emotions flooding the brain.
Spouses can benefit from this daily check-in, too. This might be as simple as asking at the end of the day, “How are you feeling about that thing that we talked about?”
“You’re trying to remind each other about the changes that you want to make,” Dr. Popcak says. “It’s a gentle way to create a structure that helps remind each other to do the new thing without nagging each other.”
Better Problem Solving Means Happier Families
Implementing these five steps doesn’t just resolve immediate issues; it lays a lasting foundation for compassionate, effective conflict resolution. These intentional strategies cultivate emotional intelligence and spiritual maturity, equipping family members to navigate conflicts constructively and lovingly throughout life.
And families that learn to handle conflict in this way become beacons of God’s love to the world, too.
“This approach isn’t just for today,” Lisa Popcak says. “It’s about planting seeds for all future relationships: spouses, children, grandchildren, even coworkers.”
If you’d like to learn more about this powerful approach to family conflict and discipline, tune into Episode 77 of the CatholicHŌM podcast, which provided the source material for this article; you’ll find it exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app. And if your marriage or family problems need more in-depth, personal attention, reach out for help from a Catholic pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.