By: Francine and Byron Pirola

 

Behind every behavior or decision that you make, is a value; something that you hold in high esteem and is advanced in some way by the action.
For example, making the choice to working late, may reflect any one of a number of values, such as:

• having pride in doing a job well,
• reducing financial debt,
• avoiding anticipated conflict at home, or
• being appreciated by colleagues

All of these values deliver a good of some kind. Your values are influenced by your upbringing, gender, personality, experiences, conscious choices and your emotional needs, fears, desires and dreams. While there are some ‘universal’ values, like being loved for example, your value set will be unique to you.

Conflicting Values

When you disagree about something or can’t understand why your spouse behaves a certain way, it is a sign of conflicting values, or a ‘value divergence’. Before you can address the conflict, you will need to clarify your own values. A simple process of self-interrogation can help you:

1. What do you want? This question forces you to take ownership for what you desire.
   E.g. I want to be admired by my colleagues and to be successful in the eyes of my father.
2. Why is it important to you? Where does this value come from? In other words, what are the underlying values? Every choice will have some benefit. Identify what good will come from doing it this way. It also helps to know the source of your value, for example: your family of origin, past experiences, religious beliefs, fears, hopes.
   E.g. I feel better about myself when others admire me. I feel accepted by my father. My father worked long hours.
3. How strongly do you feel about this value? Use the scale of 0-10, or descriptive words to indicate the importance of each value identified.
   E.g. Admiration = 6, Approval of father = 9

Once you ‘decode your behavior’ and identify the values, you will have a better understanding of yourself and what is motivating you. You can then look at trying to understand each other and what values are most important to you.

Embracing your Spouse’s Values

Once you have identified and shared your values with each other, the next step is to embrace your spouse’s most important values, honoring them as your own. Usually, it is not so difficult to see the good in the others values as they always have a positive good as their goal. Then you are in a position to evaluate the best way to act on those values.

To return to our example… Working long hours is one way to win the admiration and the approval of your father. However, it has some negative consequences such as neglecting your spouse and children, your physical and emotional health; values that your spouse has. Are there other ways to honor these values as well as the values of your spouse ? Perhaps you can put some boundaries around how many work nights you have, or perhaps going into work early rather than staying late accomplishes the admiration and father approval you seek, without the family feeling neglected or your health suffering.

Brainstorm together to identify a number of different ways that honours the values of both parties and choose the one that best advances your unity.

Unity — the Most important Value

We call this the ‘trump card’. Among the hundreds of different values you may have, the one that is most important is your unity. If you are serious about your marriage, a value for unity trumps all other values. And so unity is like the litmus test for any decision; will this choice advance our unity? If the answer is ‘Yes’, its a choice that will serve and your marriage well, drawing you closer together.  The call to unity is a call to be predisposed to see things from a couple perspective, taking the other into account and embracing that which affects one as affecting both.  When you make what is important to your spouse important to you, they will feel important to you.  It is a powerfully loving act and the first step on the journey to developing couple values. Deliberately choosing to make what is important to one, important to both, is the way you can intentionally develop your coupleness. It is a conscious choice to accept and embrace the other and to honour their values as we would our own.

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola of SmartLoving.

By: Francine and Byron Pirola

 

Are we from the same planet?

The popularity of John Gray’s “Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus” (and titles by other authors), signals the widespread recognition of gender differences in our society. It is now permissible to speak of stereotypical behaviors and gender specific abilities without being accused of putting the clock back, oppressing women and being sexist. What everyone has always known and experienced to be true, thankfully, we are now able to discuss.  Everyday experiences reveal this truth for us and now, numerous studies are confirming it — men and women truly are indeed different. We have different ways of approaching relationships, disparate expectations of a partner, different needs for intimacy, and have specialized areas of skill. We even have different brain structures giving rise to gender differences such as language and communication skills, visualization of three dimensional objects, map reading and spatial awareness. Even business theories now speak of feminine management styles as opposed to masculine ones.  In relationships, we see these gender differences in the kinds of friendships that men and women form. Friendships between women are characterized by emotional sharing and verbal communication is always a feature. Men are more likely experience bonding and friendship through shared activity, such as sport or working bees. Of course, every person is an individual and no one fits the gender stereotype in every aspect.

Gender preferences in expressing intimacy

In marriage, our gender preferences can cause a great deal of heartache if they are not well understood. For the wife, the need for emotional sharing and verbal expressions of love and commitment are particularly important to her. She requires emotional closeness with her husband in order for her to feel secure in his love.  The masculine desire for intimacy is primarily expressed through the husband’s need for physical connection with his wife, especially through sex. He feels most connected and secure in the relationship when their physical closeness is strong and vibrant.  This gender bias of intimate verbal conversation for women and physical intimacy for men is a common pattern, but is not exclusively so. Every man will at times feel the need for intimate conversation, and not every woman prefers talking to sex intimacy.

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola of  SmartLoving.

By: Francine & Byron Pirola

When we promise to take one another, we promise to take all of that person — body, psyche and spirit. We take one another with all the beliefs, thoughts, feelings and attitudes that each has.  We take the biases, prejudices, fears, and anxieties as well as all the dreams and expectations we each have for ourselves and for us as a couple. In order to know who this unique, special individual is whom we have married and are marrying each day of our wedded life, it is necessary to communicate all these things to one another.  We live in a time when the communication of information is one of the technological wonders of history. But communication of persons is lagging far behind, and we are more isolated and solitary than united. The news brings us the global information so effectively, we know much more about what is happening ten thousand miles away than we do about what is going on inside the heart and the spirit of our husband or wife.

Good Communication Builds Oneness

Chances are that when you were dating, you shared a great amount of intimate conversation as you talked about yourselves, your hopes, dreams, and most especially your feelings. Then you had an urgency for one another. You wanted to know all about each other.  Unfortunately for most people, after they’ve been married a while, they assume they already know all about one another, and there’s no further need for deep sharing. Yet we are all continually changing. The feelings we have when we get up in the morning are not usually the same as those we have by dinnertime. In fact our feelings are continually changing throughout the day as we respond to the events and people in our lives. Each of us has these feelings even though we may not be conscious of them.  Our attitudes are slower to change, yet they are continually evolving as we gain new insights and new information. Even the decisions we made a few months ago may not be the ones we would make today.  Couples who fail to communicate over long periods of time eventually experience loneliness in their marriages. It is literally true that they become strangers to one another. That’s when they turn to friends or relatives to fill the gap. A husband’s secretary may know more about him than his own wife. A woman’s mother or sister may know more about her than her own husband.  The call to oneness in the Sacrament of Matrimony is not being fulfilled.

Difficulties in Communicating

Even in a good marriage, many people find it difficult to communicate on a deep level. Communicating on this level requires a great deal of trust. It may seem strange to talk about trust between a husband and wife who love each other in a profound way. Yet the question remains, do we trust our spouse enough to totally reveal ourselves in areas that are difficult to talk about?  One reason people fail to talk with one another is because they are not sure what kind of reaction they will get from their spouse. All of us fear rejection, especially from someone we love. In order to communicate, we need to create an atmosphere — a regular time just for the two of us — and a regular place where we can be alone. We don’t need a lot of time — 10-20 minutes a day is good, and our quiet place should be somewhere in the house where we are free of distractions.

Then we need to become a good listener as well as a good revealer. Listening isn’t easy; it means setting aside whatever we’re doing to focus only on our spouse. We have to look at our partner, read the body language, listen to the tone of voice, and reach out to touch one another. Listening to someone is not necessarily agreeing with what they say. Listening is attentiveness to the other and calls for generosity of spirit because sometimes it means we have to set aside something else we’d rather be doing.  Many people think they communicate well when they don’t really communicate at all. You cannot assume your husband or wife can read your mind and understand what you mean when you discuss something. You must speak clearly and carefully, and say what you mean. For example:

• SPEAKING IN CODE. Teresa was willing to visit her husband’s family every Sunday for a few hours, but she didn’t want to stay for a long evening. Rather than say so directly, she continually made excuses about why they shouldn’t stay. Each time she said something, her husband rushed to get whatever she needed (headache tablets, baby formula, nappies etc), while Teresa fumed that her husband didn’t read her signals correctly.
• THE FEAR OF BEING ACCUSED OF NAGGING. Rather than asking her husband directly to help her, Lucy would say, “The living room needs vacuuming”. Jim would glance up from the TV long enough to agree with her, but didn’t move to help her.
• FEELING INADEQUATE.  Michael had an inferiority complex about fixing things around the house. Whenever Nancy asked him to do something, he always put it off. Finally he got up the courage to tell Nancy how inadequate he felt, and they came to a new arrangement.
• MANIPULATING EACH OTHER. Sam felt strongly that they should not spend a lot of money for Christmas gifts, but Gloria wanted to buy lavishly. Rather than sit down and discuss the issue, Gloria said, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll pay for it with my own money.” In this way, Gloria got her way without having to listen to Sam. But Sam likes to play golf with his friends. Gloria doesn’t mind a short game once a week, but is unhappy about the three nights of golf that is Sam’s schedule. So Sam tells Gloria he will take her out to dinner in exchange for his golf games. He tells himself how gracious he is to give her this time, but she feels used and overlooked, and views the weekly dinner date as patronising. Neither Sam nor Gloria are listening to each other. They need to communicate their feelings, thoughts and inner needs to each other.

Most people marry one another because they believe they have found someone who fully understands and accepts them as they are. They have a great deal of trust in this person. After marriage, we keep trust and love alive by honestly and openly confiding in one another everyday and fulfilling our call to become one in mind and spirit.

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola of  SmartLoving.

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

 

I would guess that when couples say those words, “For better or worse…sickness and health…” few couples think of pregnancy complications. We, understandably, tend to have fairly romantic views of pregnancy and when things don’t go as planned it can be one of the most difficult hardships for couples to endure.  Regardless of the cause of your difficult pregnancy, there are some strategies that couples can use to make sure they get through the challenges together.

1. Pray

No doubt you’re praying for the health and well-being of both mom and baby, but make sure to ask God to help you and your spouse be present to each other, take excellent care of each other, and support each other through the challenges of the next few months. Praying together about the well-being of your marriage in addition to the health of mom and baby will open up the channels of grace that remind you that you are each other’s best hope for getting through this trial well.  God has given you as a gift to one another. Don’t forget to ask him to teach you how to be present to one another in ways that matter most and prevent either of you from feeling alone throughout the pregnancy.

2. Encourage

Encouraging each other doesn’t mean being phony cheerleaders or making promises you can’t keep about how “everything is going to be just fine.” It means saying things like, “I am here for you.” “I love you.” “We can get through anything together.” “I’m so in love with you.” “Don’t you dare ever think you could be a burden to me” and “I’m so grateful you’re my husband/wife.”

3. Be Honest

When a couple goes through stressful times, they tend to want to isolate and not burden each other with their feelings. She doesn’t want to burden him with her fears about the baby because he’s already doing so much to pick up the slack from the things she can’t do. He doesn’t want to burden her with his loneliness, or fear, or frustration, from not being able to do anything to make things better. All I can do is encourage you to talk, talk, and then, when you’re done, talk some more. The more open you can be with your feelings the more you know where each other stands and how you can be present to one another. If you keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself, you will start to feel alone, isolated, depressed and, irritable. You don’t want to be any of these things when you are going through a challenging time. These feelings tend to shut down your thinking brain and kick your feeling brain into high gear. Pretty soon, you’re reacting to everything and you don’t even know why. Talking things out keeps the feelings in front of you and enables you to respond to concerns promptly and effectively.

4. Caretake

This is the time when little acts of kindness are going to matter a lot. Look for small ways to demonstrate your loving care for one another. In my book, For Better…FOREVER! I recommend the LoveList Exercise. Write down 25 small things (love notes, taking out the garbage, getting the door for me, holding my hand, taking walks with me, calling me from work to say, “I love you.”) that make you feel cherished. Exchange the lists. Every day, try to do at least 1-2 things on the list for each other. Don’t keep score. Just take care to be as present and loving to one another as you can manage. Knowing that, despite all the stress, you took 2 minutes to call in the middle of the workday and say, “I just wanted to take a minute to tell you that I love you and to pray that you have a great rest of your day” can mean the difference between a terrible day and a day that might be challenging but bearable because of your care for one another.

5. Seek Help

Friends and family often don’t know what to say to a couple going through a difficult pregnancy and what they do say often makes things worse. Don’t let that stop you from reaching out to family and friends who do know how to support you. Also, organizations like ElizabethMinistry.com can be a tremendous help to moms, especially, who are going through difficult pregnancies. Visit their website to learn more about all the resources and supports they offer. Don’t be afraid to ask family and friends for temporal support like meals or help keeping up the house. Good nutrition and an orderly environment can be a huge blessing to mom in particular, especially if she doesn’t have to do it! Likewise, even if there isn’t a crisis (in fact, especially if there isn’t a crisis) getting good counseling can help decrease your stress, manage differences and conflict more effectively, empower you to overcome your anxiety and, in general, enable you to do whatever is necessary to create the best environment for your baby in the womb and the best environment for the two of you on the outside. Don’t forget to ask your pastor for Anointing of the Sick for both you and your baby. Make use of this sacrament of healing to receive all the graces God wants to grant you.

Conclusion

There is no way to dress it up. Problem pregnancies are scary, frustrating, and difficult times for both the husband and the wife. But the more you can respond to the challenges together the more you will come to experience this as a time when you grew closer together because you managed to stand at each other’s side, bear each other’s burdens, and learn deeper and more powerful ways to be present to each other.     No one wants the hard times, but if you can face them together, you will see the wonders that God can do in your hearts even through the most challenging experiences of your life together. Be not afraid. Know that God is the Lord of all. Know that you love each other. And when you’re tired, lean on him and each other.

If you and your spouse are struggling with a challenging pregnancy and need additional support, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and get the help you are seeking. Call us to get the skills you and your family need to succeed.

By: Francine and Byron Pirola

 

Do you know your love needs and love busters? Do the quiz below to determine your top five love needs and worst three love busters.

Love Need:  a behaviour or gesture which communicates love to you and helps you feel close and connected to your spouse. Of the following list, choose the five Love Needs that are most effective in communicating to you that you are loved.  That is, if you could only have five Love Needs, and no more, which would you choose?

Cherishment

• Caring for me, being tender and gentle with me
• Being of service to me, doing things for me that I enjoy
• Nurturing me, doting on me
• Affirming my attractiveness
• Being considerate and thoughtful, giving way to my preference
• Being protective of me
• Self-sacrificing to save me from an unpleasant task or reality
• Listening to me, being interested in my inner life
• Trusting me with your feelings and inner thoughts, being emotionally open
• Being truthful and honest with me
• Providing materially for me
• Touching me affectionately, hugs and kisses

Respect

• Expressing appreciation for me
• Acknowledging the sacrifices I make for the sake of our future
• Admiring me, especially in front of others (particularly my friends of the same sex)
• Affirming my strength in body and character
• Trusting my judgement
• Allowing me to initiate and be the leader, being willing to follow me
• Expressing your desire to be close to me sexually
• Doing things together, recreational companionship
• Taking care of your appearance, dressing to please me
• Giving me time to do the things I like to do
• Supporting me domestically, with house work, child care etc.
• Showing an interest in the things that I value

Love Busters: a behaviour pattern or action which actively undermines your sense of being loved and destroys your trust in your spouse. Identify the three Love Busters to which you would react most negatively. That is, the three things which totally undermine your sense of being loved.

• Lying to me or withholding information from me
• Breaking promises, being unreliable
• Being emotionally distant or closed, withdrawing emotionally from me
• Not consulting me when making decisions or disregarding my preferences
• Conveying that I am just being ‘tolerated’, that my feelings are not important
• Not talking with me, ignoring me or getting impatient with me when I’m talking
• Organising me, making commitments for me without consultation
• Criticising me, especially in the presence of ………..
• ‘Servicing’ me sexually, not enjoying being physically close to me
• Nagging me, reminding me of the things I said I’d do
• Being indifferent to, or not noticing, the sacrifices I make for us
• Letting your physical appearance go, dressing in unappealing ways
• Teasing me, especially in front of ………….
• Making negative judgements about me, jumping to conclusions about my motives
• Not trusting that I love you or am committed to you
• Not trusting my judgement, questioning my decisions
• Not spending time with me doing things I enjoy
• Spending a lot of time with your friends

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola of SmartLoving.

By: Francine and Byron Pirola

Recent work by Scott Stanley (USA) has provided some very useful insights into the nature of commitment. He identifies two types of relationship commitment: constraints and dedication.

Constraint Commitment

Constraint commitment refers to the ‘forces’ that resist the separation of a couple even when one or both partners would prefer to leave the relationship. Constraints tend to accumulate with the relationship and begin from very early on, before marriage has even begun.  While each person will experience a unique set of constraints specific to their emotional needs and social circumstances, there are typical constraints associated with each stage of relationship development:

• For the DATING COUPLE  constraints might include dependency on the partner to meet social needs, fear of hurting the partner, resistance to re-entering the ‘singles’ market’ and a fear of disappointing expectant friends or family. Longer relationships also carry a resistance to ‘writing off a bad investment’.
• COHABITATING COUPLES  accumulate constraints rapidly as the amount of jointly owned furnishings and shared resources increases. Separating means at least one having to find alternative accommodation, increased living expenses associated with maintaining two homes, and potentially difficult negotiations over the distribution of their material possessions. This is known as ‘commitment creep’: the couple often never actually makes a conscious choice to commit their lives to each other, but as the constraints accumulate, they become increasingly tied to each other.
• MARRIED COUPLES  may experience the additional constraints of disrupting the web of extended family relationships, guilt associated with religious beliefs, the dread of acknowledging the failure of the marriage and the loss of a dream, the possible loss of their home if neither is able to ‘buy’ the other out, social embarrassment, and the potential loss of mutual friendships.
• PARENTS face even further constraints. The responsibility of caring for children and minimising disruption to their lives, social disapproval, complicated negotiations regarding the distribution of financial assets and future support and the fear of damaging the children’s sense of security. For parents with independent adult children, some of these constraints decline as evidenced by the tragic incidence of divorce around the 20-30 year mark.

While constraints have a negative connotation especially in situations of abuse or dysfunction, they perform a very positive and important role in marriage. Constraints slow down a person’s decision to depart a relationship when things get tough. They act to hold a couple together during periods of deep unhappiness and so help a person avoid drastic decisions that may be regretted later.

Dedicated Commitment

While constraint commitment may help a couple avoid impulsive decisions at critical times, it won’t help a couple build a happy, fulfilling marriage. Personal dedication — the decision to willingly invest in building the relationship — is needed to sustain marital happiness over the long term. Stanley identifies four crucial components to dedicated commitment:

1. A desire for a future together.  Having a long term view of the relationship motivates couples to invest more in the relationship. It also helps them weather the inevitable stormy times.
2. A sense of being part of a team.  When  spouses feel partnered in their ‘life quest’ each experiences the positive benefits of the other’s support and encouragement.
3. Giving high priority to the relationship.  Dedicated couples know that they can’t neglect their relationship and expect it to stay healthy. Singles’ activities must make way for interests that can be shared or that support their marriage.
4. Willingness to sacrifice for the other.  All good marriages are built on the principle of self-sacrifice. Sometimes this means surrendering a prized recreational activity, redefining career goals, or simply watching the other’s preferred TV show or going to their preferred restaurant rather than our own.

A Catholic perspective on Commitment Theory

The Catholic perspective on the marriage commitment has four clear features as articulated in the vows:

1. Freedom. The marriage must be undertaken “freely and without reservation”. Every engaged couple will experience some constraint pressure that mounts as the wedding gets closer, making harder to ‘call it off” if there are  doubts about proceeding. The presence of this constraint pressure itself is not necessarily an indicator of problems, provided that there is a strong measure of dedicated commitment by both fiances.
2. Totality.  The marriage vows demand a total commitment and specify in sickness and health, poverty and wealth, better or worse, “until death do we part”.
3. Fidelity. The wedding vows also specify the commitment to sexual exclusivity and the exchange of rings are taken to be a sign of this commitment “of love and fidelity”.
4. Life-giving. The vows also require the couple to orientate their marriage towards children and to be open to life and generous with their love in their community. In a Catholic wedding, the couple also commit to raising any children as Catholics.

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola of SmartLoving.

By: Francine and Byron Pirola

Sadly many couples don’t actually know how to apologize and reconcile when they’ve hurt their spouse. People think that it’s obvious, or that it should just be instinctual, or that love should make it all happen spontaneously.

Well it isn’t and it doesn’t.

We see too many wounded couples stuck in a pattern of entrenched blame and reactivity for the process of an apology to be a simple matter. In reality, a bit of knowledge and training is invaluable because sometimes, good intentions are simply not enough to restore the relationship.

Here are five elements to the art of an apology.

1. Admit your Error

It’s amazing how hard some people find this. They acknowledge that something went wrong, but they dodge and weave to avoid accepting responsibility for it themselves. There’s always an excuse, or someone else who is more at fault.

• “I said things that hurt you but you made me so angry”.
• “I know I forgot to get milk but it wasn’t my fault”.
• “I know I promised to be home by xyz but abc held me up”.
• “I shouldn’t have shouted at you but you provoked me”.
• “I wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t so stressed/sleep deprived/lonely etc”.

It might be true, but the thing is, as soon as ‘but’ or ‘if’ slips into the admission of error, the message that your spouse hears is that you really don’t believe you were at fault. Taking responsibility for your error is not only essential for your intimate relationships to thrive, it is fundamental to your spiritual growth. Practice these sentences so that they become a natural part of your apology vocabulary: think of it as a spiritual exercise in humility.

• I was wrong, I stuffed up.
• I made a mistake.
• I was careless/selfish/insensitive/dishonest etc.
• I failed to be the husband/wife I promised to be.
• I let you down and you didn’t deserve that.

2. Acknowledge the Harm

One of the things that often holds people back from accepting an apology and granting forgiveness is the sense that their spouse doesn’t really understand the full extent of the harm. They rightly still fear that there will be a recurrence because if there is no genuine understanding of the harm done, the person can too easily repeat the offence. The wounded spouse feels like they have to remain defended because there is this uncertainty about whether the other really is motivated to avoid  a recurrence.  Moreover, a clear and thorough articulation of the harm is tremendously healing for the wounded spouse. To hear someone, especially the one who hurt them, name and validate the specific ways that they have been impacted is tremendously affirming. It releases within them the need to have their hurt validated and allows them to open up to trust again.

Here are some key phrases that are part of acknowledging the pain and harm.

• When I did/said xyz, you felt ….
• My actions caused you to feel…
• My selfishness/carelessness/dishonesty etc. hurt you by…
• My words/actions have wounded you deeply by…
• My failure to xyz has harmed you by…

3. Express Sorrow

“I’m sorry,  OK!” is not an apology in anyone’s language. So often people think that if they just say the words, “I’m sorry” then it is enough. Well the words have to be said with genuine sorrow and regret. They have to be heartfelt and if you have (1) Admitted your Error and (2) Acknowledged the Harm, they should be. In fact you don’t feel deep, authentic sorrow after doing the first two steps, you either didn’t do them properly (so do them again) or there’s something wrong with you and you need to see a psychologist. Seriously — we’re not being funny — get some help.

Here are your practice phrases:

• I am so deeply sorry for wounding you.
• I am filled with sorrow and regret for the harm I have done.
• I’m so, so sorry for the way I have hurt you.
• I can’t express how much I regret my actions/words and I am so sorry for hurting you.
• I am overwhelmed with sorrow for the way I have failed to love you.

4. Request Forgiveness

For many people, this is actually the hardest part of an apology because it requires complete vulnerability and the surrender of all power to the offended person. When we ask for forgiveness, we are really asking the other person to let us back into their hearts. If you’ve done all the other parts of the apology process and have a genuine sorrow, the request for forgiveness is a natural next step but forgiveness can never be demanded and the response must always be respected, even if it is to withhold forgiveness.

For the offended person, granting forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the offence was very significant. You can read more about it at  here  and  here.

Here are your practice lines:

• Please forgive me.
• With all my heart, I want to be one with you, please forgive me.
• I know it is a lot to ask, but I’m asking you to forgive me if you can.
• I know I don’t deserve it, but if you can, please forgive me.
• If you can find it in your heart to accept me back, please forgive me.

5. Commit to Change

Your spouse may have sincerely forgiven you and released their resentment towards you, but that doesn’t automatically mean that they can or should trust you immediately. Words and intentions need to be followed through with consistent action. Only then, will trust be gradually and fully restored.  Most offenses are serial — he doesn’t just shout at her once, he’s done it lots of times. She doesn’t just criticize him on one occasion or about one thing, it’s a pattern. For the offended person to be able to not just forgive, but trust again with full openness, there has to be a demonstrated commitment to reform. And when there is a serious hurt and breach of trust between a husband and wife such as infidelity or violence, for reconciliation to be possible there must sincere repentance that requires you to not just say how you will change but to follow it up with sustained action.

The Art of Apology…

Being able to successfully reconcile in a marriage is a vital skill for sustaining the love and warmth in the relationship. And it begins with understanding the Art of Apology. Research by Five Love Language founder (Gary Chapman) and Dr. Jennifer Thomas reveal that each person has a ‘preference’ for one aspect of the apology process –   that element is so important to them, that if it isn’t part of an apology, they just don’t believe that the apology is sincere. For example, if expressing sorrow is key for you, unless you hear the words, “I’m sorry”, you just won’t be able to accept the apology.

And often, the aspect that is key for your spouse, is the one thing that you find hardest.

The Art of Apology list is not a smorgasbord where you pick out only the parts you like; it’s a complete meal deal. Master  all  of these aspects of apology so that you can be sure that every time you apologize, no matter who it is, you can be sure to have all the bases covered.

 

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola of SmartLoving.

By: Francine and Byron Pirola

 

Research by Dr John Gottman and others has helped us to understand the specific behaviors which are particularly damaging for marriages.  He is able to predict with 91% accuracy whether a couple will divorce, by the way they argue. You’ll want to avoid these Seven Deadly Habits that characterise marriages headed for bust.

 

The Seven Deadly Habits

 

1. Harsh Start-up.

This is when the argument opens with an attack. It immediately puts the other on the defensive.

Soft Start-up: “I’m worried about our relationship and I’d like to talk about it with you.”

Harsh Start-up: “We need to talk about how you aren’t pulling your weight in this relationship.”

2. Criticism.

Criticism is different to a complaint. Complaints relate to a person’s actions, whereas a criticism involves a judgement about the other’s motives.

Complaint: “I thought we had an agreement to check with each other before we commit to any engagements. I feel controlled when you don’t do that.”

Criticism: “Why didn’t you check with me BEFORE you committed us to that engagement? You don’t care about what I want to do.”

3. Contempt.

Contempt is a more cynical extension of criticism, and often involves character assassination.

Contempt: “You’re so manipulative and controlling. It’s a MIRACLE  you have any friends.”

4. Globalization.

Another common habit is to globalize the complaint beyond the specific incident. Whenever the words “always”, “never” or “everything” are used, it’s a sure sign of globalization. Stick to the incident at hand and avoid bringing up ancient history.

Globalization: “You always do this! I never get consulted. You’ve been doing this from the day we married. It’s always the same with you.”

5. Defensiveness.

While it’s understandable that a person would get defensive when they are being criticised or blamed, it is not a helpful reaction. The more defensive one is, the more persistent the accuser tends to become, which escalates the argument.

6. Stonewalling.

Stonewalling is refusing to interact. It may involve physically leaving the other (e.g. storming out, locking oneself in another room) or emotionally tuning out (e.g. watching TV, reading the paper). In 85% of marriages, the stonewaller is the husband. One reason for this trend is that a man’s body is more easily ‘flooded’.

Flooding is a stress reaction and includes physiological changes such as an increase in blood pressure and heart rate. Flooding can be triggered by confrontation or emotional discussions and causes intense emotion which is overwhelming and disorientating. This is one reason why women are more likely than their husbands to bring up sensitive issues.

7. Rejecting repair attempts.

Within any argument, often one or both will make some gesture of conciliation. It might be through humour, touch, eye contact or words. When this happens, if the other person doesn’t recognize and/or respond, the person waving the white flag feels rejected, adding fuel to an already out-of-control blaze.

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola of SmartLoving.

By: Francine and Byron Pirola

 

When it comes to marriage and relationships, there are a lot of myths out there. Here are five of the most common.

 

Myth 1: Good couples don’t argue.

 

The presence or absence of arguments is not a good indicator of the health of a marriage. Some couples who don’t argue are living detached, parallel lives. They’ve essentially checked out of the marriage and have given up caring. These couples are vulnerable to emotional and sexual affairs and/or divorce.  In contrast, some couples who argue vigorously, enjoy deep affection and respect — they argue with freedom because they know that the relationship is robust enough to handle it.

 

Myth 2: ‘Irreconcilable differences’ mean the relationship is over.

 

Research by Dr. John Gottman suggests that every couple has a number of ‘unresolvable’ arguments. Spouses keep having the same argument over and over and never seem to resolve it. The marriages that survive do so because the couple put more value on what they have in common. They learn how to tolerate their differences and work with them.  Ultimately, many of our ‘irreconcilable differences’ are simply ‘outgrown’ — for example arguments over parenting disappear as the child grows out of that stage.

 

Myth 3: Arguments damage your relationship.

 

The arguments that damage relationship are the ones where there is no self-regulation, where the spouses say or do things that cause deep wounds that are then ignored.  Arguments that are tempered by self-discipline so that both spouses are careful in how they present their case, will be more productive in resolving the issue and less likely to wound the heart of the participants. And when there is wounding, good couples seek out each other, apologize, forgive and reconcile in such a way that they actually make their relationship stronger than it was before.

For more on reconciliation:  here

 

Myth 4: It’s better to say what’s on your mind than bottle it up.

 

Interestingly, explosive outbursts of anger don’t always help alleviate the building internal tension. These sorts of arguments tend to cause defensiveness which reinforces the anger in the initiator rather than dissipating it.  So, anger shared becomes anger multiplied.  A more productive way to deal with mounting anger is to process it with a trusted and mature friend, counsellor or mentor so that you can approach your spouse and calmly express your feelings and make a request for change.

 

Myth 5: Every argument is different.

 

Actually, the essential elements of every argument are the same. That’s why we often have a sense of deja vu when we argue; it feels like we’ve already had this debate. The topic may be different, but there is a pattern of reaction and response that follows a predictable path.

Credit to Francine and Byron Pirola of SmartLoving.

Dr. Gregory Popcak

Natural Family Planning (NFP) continues to be one of the least understood and most underappreciated aspects of Christian family life: the majority of  Catholics dismiss it, and many others struggle to understand the very real and important differences between NFP and various forms of contraception, which are universally condemned by the Church as immoral.  But for those couples who use it–both to help them conceive children and to help them licitly postpone pregnancy–NFP is a blessing that has taught them many unexpected lessons about married life, self-giving love, and living a holy life. Here are some examples of those lessons drawn from the life experiences of couples with whom I have been privileged to speak. (Disclaimer: This is not an article discussing the morality of contraception or NFP but rather an exposition of the joy and beauty attached to Natural Family Planning, taken from the mouths of those who have practiced it.)

1. Encouraging Couple Prayer

Jacqueline and Mark have been married eight years. They have five children. Jacqueline says, “In the early days of our marriage, we used to pray separately, but we really struggled to pray together. Because NFP requires couples to actively discern God’s will for their family size on a month-to-month basis, it really made Mark and I start praying together every day.”  Gaudium et Spes  (known as Joy and Hope in English) tells us that while children are a great blessing, husbands and wives must “thoughtfully take into account both their own welfare and that of their children, those already born and those which may be foreseen. For this accounting they will reckon with both the material and spiritual conditions of the times as well as their state of life. Finally they will consult the interests of the family group, of temporal society, and of the Church herself. The married partners should make this judgment in the sight of God.”

The Church asks parents to take their role of “co-creators” with God seriously. Couples who use it properly see NFP as a constant reminder to unify their hearts by praying together about the kinds of issues listed above. Done prayerfully, the simple act of charting together (the daily observation of a woman’s fertility signs) can force a couple to constantly ask each other the question, “how do we reconcile what’s going on in the most private aspects of our bodies and our relationship with the concerns our family, our state in life, and our Church are calling us to address at this time?” By means of this ongoing call to prayerful reflection, parents are empowered to become conscious and responsible co-creators with God of new life.

2. Making Conception Easier.

Lane and Jerry are the parents of five children. Jerry says, “Everyday, we ask God to give us the wisdom to know when it’s time to add the next member to our family. Every time God has placed that call on both of our hearts, we’ve used NFP to help us cooperate with that call. Each of our children was conceived using NFP.”  As any couple that has struggled to get pregnant knows, sometimes conceiving a new life isn’t as easy as falling off a log. In those times, knowing the bodily signs that indicate the most fertile times of the month, and knowing ways to increase the likelihood of pregnancy when it isn’t happening as simply as it should can certainly give the couple the ability to cooperate with God’s call to life more proactively. Though the biology of conception is not unique from person to person, the actual signs and symptoms of fertility and infertility can be radically different from person to person. When a husband and wife both have intimate knowledge about how God created their particular bodies to work, they are able to use this knowledge to more competently collaborate with the plan God has for their lives.

3. Challenges a Couple to Grow in Intimacy

Alice and Peter are the parents of seven children. Here’s what Peter says about what NFP did to their experience of intimacy. “Alice and I grew up really influenced by what the world said about sex. We wanted to live by Church teaching, but we just didn’t know how to do it very well. When we were first married, we thought that sex was the be-all-and-end-all of intimacy. When life got hectic, we got to the place where the only thing we really did together was have sex. We had stopped talking, we rarely prayed together, and we never took the time to do anything except take care of the kids and keep up the house. Once we understood what NFP was all about, we really felt God asking  us to step back and focus on other ways to be close to each other in addition to sex. Not in the least because we really weren’t being a good example to our kids about what a godly couple is supposed to look like all day long.     We made a point of taking several months where we abstained during the fertile phase and in that time, made a point to talk, or take walks, or play cards, or just cuddle without going all the way. And pray, of course. Every day. Together and by ourselves. It’s made all the difference in the world. Now, when we start to realize that we are losing touch with each other’s heart and soul we make a point of taking time off during our fertile phase so that we can honor our promise to God to really be one–not just in our bodies, but with every part of ourselves. Alice and I are closer for it, and the kids see what a happy Christian couple is supposed to be like.”

In order to be truly sanctifying, marriage must be ordered toward both the building of unity and the begetting of children.  What the Church calls “responsible parenthood” requires that the parent actively and prayerfully consider how to balance and expand their capacity for exhibiting all the virtues associated with creating a life-giving family, and all the virtues associated with creating an intimate family. One or the other isn’t enough. Both are required if families are to practice all the virtues that enable them to live life as a gift.

It Keeps Couples Honest.

Just as NFP, properly done, can invite couples to pursue deeper intimacy, it can also force a couple to regularly evaluate their motivations for postponing pregnancy. Couples are permitted to postpone pregnancy, even indefinitely, provided that the decision to do so is made prayerfully and with serious cause, and that the couple uses only those methods of family planning that respect that natural, moral order. That said, because God’s command to be generous in the service of life is so important, couples who are postponing pregnancy must challenge themselves to resist selfish impulses that stand between them and another child.

Rachel, wife of Frank and mother of two puts it this way. “I’ve had some pretty serious health problems. Frank and I could conceive again, but we are both concerned about what that would do to our ability to meet the emotional and spiritual needs of the two children we have already. We live far away from family so we don’t have a lot of help, and because of Frank’s schedule, I’m the one who is with the kids most of the time. If I’m laid up, well, I hate to think about it. Of course, if I got sicker, we’d find a way, but after a lot prayer Frank and I just don’t think it’s the most prudent thing to intentionally take the risk.

“Even so, we sometimes worry that the financial and other benefits of having a smaller family might cause us to give in to selfish reasons for not trying to have another child. But NFP has been great for keeping us honest. To tell the truth, abstaining during my fertile time is pretty hard for both me and Frank. When we really want to be together, but it isn’t time, we have some pretty serious discussions about why we’re doing this to ourselves. But every time we talk it out and pray about it, God leads us back to the same conclusion. So far, anyway. Maybe I’ll get better someday. Or maybe God will just let us know we should just go for it and leave what happens up to him. Either way would be great by us! But until then, I know that through the prayer and talks that come along with the occasional frustration of periodic abstinence, we’ll never take this decision lightly. And whatever we do, we’ll do it together, and we’ll do it with God.”

Advocates of NFP are sometimes criticized for “overselling it”; for making it out to be the greatest thing since manna, the cure for all marital ills, or an essential part of a “real” Christian marriage. It is none of those things. What it is, though–what it can be–is a very powerful tool, which, if used prayerfully and with the proper spirit, can challenge couples to become more prayerful than they might have otherwise, more intimate on more levels than they might have otherwise, and more open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit to pursue both generosity and selfless love than they might have otherwise. For these qualities alone, Catholics of all political and theological persuasions would do well to learn more about this little understood but surprisingly enriching catalyst of grace and intimacy.