How To Get Your Feelings Heard And Your Needs Met

“Hi! How are you?”, “I’m fine…” End of conversation. This type of exchange is very common, but has become entirely ineffective when it comes to actually getting to know and understand how someone is feeling. The greeting, “How are you?” has essentially become a closed ended (yes or no) question and leaves it entirely up to the person asking the question to decide how positive or negative we are feeling. 

A new Yale study published in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology revealed that adults believe that males are in more pain than females. Although this study focused on physical pain, the same concepts can be applied to emotional experiences as well. 

So how do we teach our children—boys and girls—to express their feelings effectively, and how do we express our own feelings in a way that will allow us to be heard and understood by others?

1) Honesty is the best policy—Hiding our feelings and waiting for others to ask about what we are feeling or experiencing is not an effective strategy. Because of this, it is best to be open and honest about our feelings or experiences. If someone important to you asks, “How’s it going?” Instead of replying with the casual, “I’m fine,” be honest and specific by saying, “I’m really struggling today,” or “Today has been a really nice day.” Sharing our feelings shouldn’t be reserved for when we are really happy or really sad, we should be honest at all times—both about the good and the bad. 

2) Teach others what you need—Being honest about your feelings but not getting the desired response? People can’t read minds. Identify what type of response you need from someone and respectfully ask for that outcome. For example, “Hey, I’m feeling really stressed out, can you problem solve with me?” Or, “I just really need a listening ear and for you to tell me everything’s okay.” No matter what it is that we need, it is always best to express that openly to another person, that way we get the response that we need, and we don’t leave others feeling confused as to what type of response we are looking for.

3) Ask questions and teach others to do the same—Create a dynamic of open and honest communication by asking others more specific questions about their feelings and experiences. “What has been the best part of your day?”, “What have you been struggling with today?”, “What do you feel like you need (from me or others) to make today better?”. These and other questions are much more specific and effective than the general question of, “How are you?” or “How’s it going?” Similarly, asking these more specific questions allows us to have this type of dynamic in our relationships. At best, it teaches others to ask these types of questions to us in return, and at the least, it presents the opportunity for us to respond to other’s answers about the best or most difficult part of their day with our response to these questions. Either way, it’s a win-win and everyone gets their feelings heard. 

For more resources and information on how to get your feelings heard and how to live a healthier emotional life, visit us at CatholicCounselors.com and tune in to More2Life—weekdays at 10am E/9am C on EWTN, SiriusXM 130!

How to Build Sustainable Happiness in Our Every Day Lives

We live in a busy world. Our daily schedules are hectic enough, and with the currently popular push to prioritize self-care, it can often feel as though our own happiness is just another thing we have to schedule onto our to-do lists. 

But it shouldn’t be this way! So how do we find happiness in our every day lives, just based on what we are already doing?

New research out of the Massachusetts General Hospital (MGH) Recovery Research Institute identified three top practices that significantly increase overall, daily happiness levels. 

The researchers on this study provided a variety of brief, text-based, self-administered exercises to five-hundred adults. Each exercise required approximately four minutes to complete. The results identified these top three happiness exercises that will help to boost our overall happiness!

1. Reliving Happy Moments

How to: For this exercise, choose one of your own photos that depicts a happy moment for you. Is it a picture of your family? A picture of you with your significant other? With your best friend? An achievement? Whatever you choose, take a a few seconds to remember that moment, then write a brief description of what was happening in that photo. 

Why this works: This exercise gets you thinking about good times. It takes you out of the present moment (especially if the present moment is a stressful one), and allows you to focus on something good that has occurred in your life! 

2. Savoring

How to: Think about and describe two positive moments or experiences that occurred during the preceding day. Was it a positive interaction you had with a coworker or family member? Was it getting to enjoy a few moments of sunshine? Describe this happy moment and how it felt to experience it.

Why this works: It’s easy for us to get caught up in our hectic, fast-paced day, and we often simply focus on what’s next and what we have to do. This “Savoring” exercise gives us a chance to reflect on the positives of the day and reminds us of the happiness or little blessings throughout the day.

3. Rose, Thorn, Bud

How to: Briefly list 1) a positive moment and 2) a challenge you faced during the preceding day. Next list a positive moment or a pleasure you anticipate for the following day. 

Why this works: Like the “Savoring” exercise, “Rose, Thorn, Bud” allows you to think of a positive moment that you experienced during the day. This exercise takes this a step further, however, by allowing you to consider a challenge that you faced and evaluate how you overcame this challenge, what your plan is to overcome this challenge in the future, etc. And finally, this exercise ends on an important and uplifting note by allowing you to reflect on something you can look forward to in the coming day. 

Find out more ways to increase your happiness by checking out, “Unworried—A Life Without Anxiety” and tune in to More2Life—weekdays at 10am E/9am C on EWTN, SiriusXM 130!

How To Make Our Anger Result in Action

There are lots of things for us to be angry about, but new research shows we often don’t do anything about it.

A new study out of Carnegie Mellon University reveals that we typically become angry about two types of injustices. First, when a bad thing happens to a good person and second when a good thing happens to a “bad” person despite their bad behavior. 

In the first instance—such as when a natural disaster devastates a town—the research shows that we have a desire to help, but usually only in a nominal way. Dr. Jeffrey Galak, an associate professor of marketing in the university’s Tepper School of Business states, “When a hurricane happens, we want to help, but we give them 10 bucks. We don’t try to build them a new house.” 

While donating $10 can be meaningful and helpful, our reaction to this type of injustice usually does not result in action on a grander or more effective scale.

Likewise, when we react to the second type of injustice—when a good thing happens to bad people—the research demonstrates that more often than not we don’t do anything at all. According to Dr. Galak, “That’s because people often feel that the forces at play in creating the unfair situation are beyond their control, or would at least be too personally costly to make the effort worthwhile.”

So how do we use our anger to take action in a way that leads to effective change?

1. Take it to God—First and foremost, take your anger to God. Tell Him how you are feeling and even what you would like to do about the situation. Then listen. Allow God to direct your response in a way that glorifies Him and leads to an appropriate response to the circumstance.

2. Address your concerns. If you have a problem with someone—a problem that is causing you to view that individual  as a bad person—it is best to address your concerns with that person in a respectful and clear way. Be honest with the individual—but not blaming—about your feelings. Share with them what you need to heal and feel supported. Moreover, it is best to talk through small problems before they become big problems.

3. Don’t let your anger consume you. When you are feeling overwhelmed by anger make an effort to focus on the blessings in your life. Make a list of three things you are grateful for each day and thank God for those happy blessings. 

For more on how to deal with infuriating people or situations check out “God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!” and “God Help Me! This Stress Is Driving Me Crazy!