Decisions, Decisions… How to Be Confident in The Face of Uncertainty

From big to small, we are faced with decisions every day. Sometimes when we are at a crossroads between two–or more–options, we become paralyzed by the uncertainty and fear of decision making.

When we don’t know what to do, the Theology of The Body can help us gain clarity. St John Paul reminds us that every decision we make should help us, as he put it,  “become what we are”–the whole, healed, godly, grace-filled person God sees when he looks at us. In any decision of any importance at all, if we’re confused about what to do, the be way to be confident in our choices is to look for the option that seems to give us the greatest chance of doing three things.  First, using our gifts to bless others. Second, enabling us to make our relationships healthier and stronger. And third, using the situation to become a stronger, healthier person.

It is these three qualities, meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue, upon which an abundant life rests. We can never guarantee the outcome of what we do, but we don’t have to. We just have to be able to be confident that we have a good and godly process that we use to make our decisions. If our desire is to avoid evil, to be loving and responsible in our decisions, and make choices that lead to what we prayerfully believe will increase our chances of growing in meaningfulness, intimacy and virtue, then even when we feel uncertain, we can be confident that, through God’s mercy,  we are making the right decisions.

Let’s look at a few practical ways to be confident in the face of uncertainty:

1. Focus on the Process, Not the Feeling–You will rarely feel 100% certain that you made the one right choice.  If you wait for your feelings to tell you that you are doing (or have done) the right thing, you will be waiting a very long time, indeed. When making a decision of any sort, don’t take your cue from your feelings, focus on your process. Have you taken the decision to prayer? Are you trying to avoid doing anything bad? Are you trying your best to be loving and responsible in your decisions? And finally, are you trying to choose the option that seems to increase your chances of living a more meaningful, intimate, and virtuous life?  If you can answer “yes” to these questions, then your decision making process is solid no matter what your feelings say. Trust the process, not your feelings, and know that God will be pleased with your effort and get you on the right path by means of his mercy.

2. Indecisive is Worse Than Wrong–You already know that being stuck isn’t working. As long as you are genuinely trying to make a meaningful, intimate and virtuous choice, even a wrong decision is better than staying put, because even a wrong decision will give you new information to work with. Very few decisions are irreversibly wrong, and those are almost always decisions made rashly, and emotionally instead of trying to intentionally pursue greater meaningfulness, intimacy or virtue. When you make a decision, don’t look back. Instead, look at the new information your decision has given you and look for the next step that allows you to pursue meaningfulness intimacy and virtue. Staying put gets you more of what you’ve got. Making even a wrong decision that reflects an active attempt to pursue meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue will draw you closer to God who, in his mercy, will get you on the right path. Grace can direct you when you’re in motion, but grace can’t move you if you are committed to staying put. Indecisive is always worse than wrong.

3. Don’t Feed the Goblin–Assuming you’ve followed the steps above, the voices of doubt that remain in your head after you make a decision are never from God.  Even if you made the wrong decision in good faith, God will gently guide you forward on the right path. As Jesus said, “I did not come to condemn but to save.” Those self-critical voices of condemnation that make you second-guess yourself are not from God, they are what St. Ignatius referred to as desolations. This is the voice of the Enemy trying to cause you to stay stuck and refuse to take any actions that God could use to draw you closer to him. Reject these voices and focus, instead, on the next step that leads to greater meaningfulness, intimacy and virtue. The more you refuse to feed the goblins of doubts, the more you will grow in the confidence that comes from stepping out in God’s grace.

For more resources to help you make decisions that will lead to greater meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue in your life explore CatholicCounselors.com!

 

Quick links and resources:

Unworried: A Life Without Anxiety 

Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of The Human Heart 

What Does God Want Me To Do?

 

The Importance of Argument Aftercare

We have a disagreement, it escalates into an argument, and whether or not things are resolved, we sweep it under the rug and move on with our day. As the days and weeks go on, we find ourselves dealing with resentment bubbling up under the surface, and sometimes coming out in some not-so-pretty ways. 

While this may not happen quite as much if the conflict was resolved, after a disagreement we are often left feeling as though we have emotional rug burn. It may not be an open wound, but we certainly still feel fairly tender. 

This is why something I like to call “argument aftercare” is so important. Argument aftercare occurs when we follow the conflict by saying something like, “Hey, I know we had a disagreement, but I want you to know that I love you. What can I do to help you feel taken care of and loved?” 

Some examples of simple ways to take care of one another include:
– Offering to get the other person a drink or snack

– Hugging one another for 6+ seconds

– Going for a walk with one another to enjoy a change of scenery 

– Offering apologies to one another for anything you did or anything that happened during the conversation that may have hurt the other person

– Taking a few minutes to plan extra time together that afternoon/evening/week so that you can enjoy one another and even do something fun

Take cues from each other and communicate about what will help each of you feel loved and taken care of. It may be the same thing for both of you or it may be different. Either way is okay, just be attentive to one another and be intentional about caring for each other.

Instead of each person feeling vulnerable, frustrated, and disconnected, taking the time for “argument aftercare” helps to reestablish connection and teamwork—creating an opportunity to remind one another that you are partners, working together to achieve a common goal, even when you disagree. 

If you would like additional support to work through challenging conversations or to reconnect with your partner, check out our resources at CatholicCounselors.com.

 

Quick Links:
How To Heal Your Marriage & Nurture Lasting Love 

Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations With Your Adult Sons & Daughters

God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace with Difficult People