When you go on a long trip, do you prefer to travel solo or with a friend?
Regardless of your usual travel preferences, when it comes to our spiritual journey, it’s good to have a companion who can help us find our “true north,” overcome obstacles, and get us back on track when we get lost. In fact, the Catholic Church insists that none of us comes to faith alone or is saved alone; we need one another, because our three-in-one God made us for relationship.
We can work for one another’s good in lots of different ways, of course: providing emotional support, lending a helping hand, worshiping together, and so on. But here’s a way that Christian couples (or close friends) can be more intentional about working for one another’s good—and strengthening their relationship at the same time.
This exercise from chapter 2 of Dr. Greg Popcak’s book, God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts! Making Peace With Difficult People can help us do just that. Dr. Popcak didn’t give this exercise a name, but let’s call it the “Eulogy Accountability Challenge.” The name is appropriate because this exercise is anchored in your idea about who you want to be at the end of your life. To put it another way, what personal characteristics or qualities do you want to be mentioned by whoever delivers the eulogy at your funeral?
“The key to working for your own or others’ good is discovering the kind of person you want to be at the end of your life and supporting each other as you struggle to become that person,” Dr. Popcak writes in the book.
Together with your friend or spouse, work through the following steps. You’ll each need at least one sheet of paper.
1. Envision Your Ideal Self
Begin by prayerfully considering the qualities you wish to be known for at the end of your life. Be specific. For example, you might aspire to be:
- Loving
- Wise
- Understanding
- Empathetic
- Truthful
- Responsible
List these qualities on a sheet of paper. Invite your spouse or close friend to do the same.
This list may change over time, but it should represent your best sense right now of what it means for you to become most “fully yourself”—that is, most fully the person that God calls you to be.
2. Identify Challenges
Now think of a situation that causes you to act or feel toward one another in a way that doesn’t align with your desired qualities. For example:
- Maybe you are unpleasantly snippy and curt first thing in the morning.
- Maybe you always shoot down your friend’s or your spouse’s suggestions.
- Maybe you lose your temper when you get into a disagreement.
- Maybe you don’t follow through on responsibilities, leaving them for the other person to take care of.
Whatever the challenge is, write it down.
3. Apply Your Ideal Qualities to the Challenge
Next, reflect on how you might act differently if you were to more fully embody the positive qualities you listed in the first step.
Be specific. How might your words, tone of voice, or actions change? For instance, would you be more patient or understanding? Focus on your own behavior and how you can align it more closely with your spiritual ideals.
Don’t offer your partner suggestions about how to complete this step!
4. Share Your Aspirations
Share your reflections with your spouse or friend. Make a commitment to help one another practice the positive qualities that each of you listed—not just in the particular challenge you named, but in other aspects of daily life, too.
5. Respectful Accountability
When you notice your partner or friend acting in a way that seems inconsistent with their stated spiritual ideals, gently remind them of their goals. For example, you might say, “You mentioned wanting to be more patient. Can you help me understand how your actions help you become a more patient person?”
Obviously, the key here is to be as respectful to the other person as you would want him or her to be toward you. After all, this is a two-way street: you’re each helping the other, so at some point, your partner will be giving you a gentle nudge toward your best self, too.
Done right, this exercise should help each of you along the path to becoming the person God calls you to be—and deepen the intimacy of your relationship.
For in-depth, one-on-one help strengthening your marriage or other relationships, reach out to a Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com.