Talking to Kids About Death: Popcak in Australia Catholic Family Magazine

The latest issue of CathFamily E-Magazine is out!  cath-family

In light of the feasts of All Saints and All Souls, they asked me to share a bit about how parents can handle children’s questions about death.  It’s a tough topic, but one that every parent has to address at one point or another.  My thanks for Byron and Francine Pirola, founders of both SmartLoving.org (the most prominent Australian Catholic marriage ministry) and CathFamily.org (SmartLoving’s sister ministry) for inviting me to write for their excellent publication. Incidentally, if the Pirola name is familiar to readers, Byron and Francine are, respectively,  the son and daughter-in-law of Ron and Mavis Pirola, the Australian couple who presented at the Extraordinary Synod.  In fact, Byron and Francine’s adult daughter, Kiara, is the editor of Catholic Family, making her the 3rd Generation of Pirolas engaged in Catholic marriage and family ministry Down Under!  They are a truly awesome, faithful family  who are on fire for God and his plan for marriage and family life.

Anyhoo, it’s a great issue (and I’d say that even if I wasn’t in it)!  I hope you’ll check it out!

Healthy Marriage Habit #5: Caretaking in Conflict

Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.”  Last week, I summarized all 8 divorceoptionhabits and we’ve looked at the first four habits in greater detail already.   Today, I’ll describe the fifth habit, Caretaking in Conflict.  After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Habit #5:  Caretaking in Conflict.Why is this Important?

            The most important thing in problem-solving is not, actually, solving the problem.  Rather, it’s how well you take care of each other as you work together to find solutions to the problem.  Think about it.  If you manage to find a solution to a particular challenge in your life or relationship, but walk away from your conversation with your spouse feeling demoralized, resentful, exhausted and out-of-synch, what good is it?  Solving problems is important, but how you solve those problems is even more important.

I shared earlier that couples in healthy marriages work to maintain a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions  in their day-to-day relationship.  Subsequent research shows that these same couples exhibit 5 times as many positive exchanges as negative ones when they are dealing with problems together and even disagreeing with each other (Gottman, 1995).  You might ask, “What PLANET are these people on?”

The good news is that these happy couples have their feet planted firmly on planet earth and they are not that different from you.  Happy couples argue.  As I mentioned earlier, they argue just about as much as you do.  But they remember that to get through their arguments, they have to try hard to take care of each other in the argument and encourage each other toward solutions.  They do this in little ways.  With little glances, touches, and words that say, “Even though this is hard, I still love you”, praying together so that they check their own wills against God’s will, treading carefully around each other’s sore spots even when they are upset, trying hard to not pour fuel on the fire to make things worse than they need to be, and taking breaks to cool down–early and often.

This is not as crazy an idea as it seems.  In any high-stress environment, taking care of your partner is job #1.  A fireman might run into a burning building to save a baby, but his first job is making sure that his partner can make it back out alive.  A police officer might be charged with apprehending a dangerous and armed criminal, but her first job is watching her partner’s back so they both make it through in one piece.  A soldier might need to claim that hill from the enemy, but his first job is making sure that his comrades stick together.  The second any one of these professional, high-conflict, problem-solvers lose sight of this, their risk of failure and death escalates exponentially.  As American founding father, Patrick Henry, memorably put it, “United, we stand.  Divided, we fall.”  He might as well have been talking about marriage.    High stress situations call for a high level of commitment to partnership above all.   Healthy husbands and wives know this and they work hard to take care of each other no matter what the problem.  Unlike the fireman, the police officer, and the soldier, your house isn’t literally burning down and no one is shooting at you. Your life isn’t on the line (and if it is, put down this book and call 911).  If they can learn to take care of each other when the heat is on, you can too.  In challenging you to learn to take care of your partner in conflict, I am not asking you to learn a marriage skill so much as I am challenging you to develop if healthy life skill.

Dr. Daniel Seigel (2013) notes that people who are good at problem-solving tend to be kinder than people who are not good at problem-solving.  He notes that kindness–which happens to be one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:22)–is more than simply being nice to one another, it is  actually a sign that our brain is working properly and able to focus on solutions.   The somewhat jarring conclusion we must draw from this is that anger is not the sign that our Solution-Friendly Brain has turned off.  Rather, unkindness is!   Think of how that changes your perspective on the way you and your spouse communicate.   My clients often struggle with the idea of being kind to their spouse when in conflict.  They often feel that their spouse doesn’t deserve it. However, when we view kindness, not as a gift we give to the other person but as a sign of our own integration, it becomes easier to see why kindness is essential in arguing and how kindness makes finding mutually-satisfying solutions possible.

This is probably the skill that most couples in difficult marriages lack.  Many people were not raised in homes that modeled this kind of problem-solving. No matter.  You can learn it.  In fact, you must if you wish to be happy in any area of your life, not just marriage.  For the Christian this is even more true, because our ability to be kind to others is, in large part, the measure by which we will be judged (Matt 25:31-46).

Take the QUIZ!

Answer the following questions.

T  F  1.  My spouse and I actively try to appreciate and know about each other’s hobbies and interests, even if we, personally, don’t enjoy those things.

T  F  2.  My spouse and I genuinely respect and value each other’s skills and areas of expertise.

T  F  3.  If my spouse knows more about something than I do, I am interested and willing to learn from him/her.

T  F  4.  If my spouse is more skilled at something than I am, I am willing to defer to his/her expertise.

T  F  5.  If my spouse tells me that I offended him/her,   I am good at quickly apologizing and correcting the offense even if I didn’t mean to offend him/her.

T  F   6.  I am interested in listening to and learning from my spouse’s opinion especially when it is different from my own.

T  F   7.  When my spouse is upset, I don’t try to tell him/her that (s)he shouldn’t feel that way.

T  F   8.  My spouse and I are usually good at taking to heart each other’s corrections & suggestions.

T  F   9.  I can learn a lot from my spouse about being a loving person.

T  F  10. When we have disagreements, I am interested in listening to  and learning from my spouse’s perspective on what needs to change.

Give yourself 1 point for each “T”

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that the degree of mutual respect is a real strength in your relationship.

A score of 4-7 means that your marriage would significantly improve by giving greater attention to increasing your ability to exhibit mutual respect in your marriage.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

How’d you do?  Even if you feel like your marriage is, in general, in good shape, if you’d like to strengthen your ability to cultivate more Caretaking in Conflict in your marriage, check out When Divorce is Not An Option:  How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love.  Or, for more personalized assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about our Catholic-integrated tele-counseling practice for couples, families, and individuals.  Let us help you experience all the love God has in store for you!

Healthy Marriage Habit #4: Positive Intention Frame

Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.”  Last week, I summarized all 8 divorceoptionhabits and we’ve looked at the first three habits in greater detail already.   Today, I’ll describe the four habit, Creating a Positive Intention Frame.  After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

HealthyMarriage Habit #4–Positive Intention Frame:  Why is this important?

A positive intention frame is what psychologists and marriage therapists call the ability to assume the best about your spouse even when they are at their worst.  This is not the same thing as making excuses for your spouse’s bad behavior.  Rather, having a positive intention frame gives us the ability to not react angrily to every slight and enables us to address bigger offenses in a sensitive and understanding manner.  Having a positive intention frame is the psychological basis for the corporal work of mercy that is “bearing wrongs patiently.”  Again, there is nothing wrong with addressing offenses directly and promptly, but doing so charitably as well allows the offender to save face.  This increases the likelihood that the offender will work with you to find solutions to the problem instead of reacting defensively to what otherwise might feel like an attack or a criticism from you.

Having a positive intention frame allows you to feel comfortable making mistakes in front of each other because you know that each of you is trying your best and that you will both tolerate each other’s lapses and offenses and refuse to see missteps as intentional slights.  Research by Hawkins, Carrere, and Gottman (2002) shows that couples who tend to assume the best about each other avoid conflict more and handle conflict more gracefully when it arrives on the scene.

Take the Quiz!

T  F  1.  My spouse and I are good at giving each other the benefit of the doubt when we hurt each other.

T  F  2.  My spouse and I tend to assume that offenses are due to momentary lapses in judgment rather  than an intentional desire to be hurtful or offensive.

T  F  3.  When my spouse does something I find offensive or irritating, I tend to assume that I misunderstood his or her true intentions.

T  F  4.  My spouse and I rarely, if ever, react to each other as if we were intending to be offensive or hurtful.

T  F  5.  I feel like it’s safe to make mistakes around my spouse.

T  F  6.  I feel like my spouse and I go out of our way to assume the best about each other.

T  F  7.  I am confident that my spouse is looking out for my best interests.

T  F  8.  Sometimes my spouse offends me, but I doubt he or she would ever do so on purpose.

T  F  9.  My spouse and I tend to be generous about extending forgiveness when we disappoint each other.

T  F 10.  When something goes wrong at home, my spouse and I are NOT quick to blame each other.

Give yourself 1 point for each “T”

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that maintaining s Positive Intention Frame is a real strength in your relationship.

A score of 4-7 means that your marriage would significantly improve by giving greater attention to increasing your ability to exhibit a Positive Intention Frame in your marriage.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

How’d you do?  Even if you feel like your marriage is, in general, in good shape, if you’d like to strengthen your ability to cultivate greater Self-Regulation in your marriage, check out When Divorce is Not An Option:  How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love.  Or, for more personalized assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about our Catholic-integrated tele-counseling practice for couples, families, and individuals.  Let us help you experience all the love God has in store for you!

Time Magazine, “The Hell You Say?”

Time Magazine recently reprinted an article from Patheos Progressive Christian Channel blogger, John Shore, titled What Christianity without Hell Looks Like.shutterstock_216792595

Here’s the money quote from the article, “A Christianity without Hell would have nothing to recommend it but the constant and unending love of God.”   

I don’t know what the author of the quote thinks Hell is, but unwittingly, in that one line,  Shore actually describes the classic Christian vision of Hell.

St Augustine was once asked, “What does God do to the souls in Hell?”  His response? “He loves them.”   The truth is, the flames of Hell are nothing more than the fires of God’s “constant and unending love” licking at the hearts of those who refuse to melt.

Each of us is utterly dependent upon God for our life.  Nothing can exist outside of him.  United with our body in this life, we often suffer under the delusion that we live under our own power.  But when we die there will be no way to pretend that anything besides our complete dependence upon God’s love stands between us and total annihilation.  For those who have spent their lives learning about the constant and unending love of God first hand, and moreover, learning to depend upon it utterly, that experience will be one of tremendous joy, gratitude, and rejoicing.  How giddy we will feel standing on the razor’s edge of nothingness knowing that it is God’s constant and unending love that has, in fact, made us indestructible!  How amazing to suddenly be able to fly…without wings!

But for those who have spent their lives in perpetual, spiritual, “do-by-self!” toddlerhood, refusing to depend on anything or anyone besides themselves, having to suddenly depend entirely on some completely unfamiliar, unknown being,  sustained solely by some unknown, unfamiliar power,  will be nothing short of terrifying.  How could such an experience be anything less than an eternal torture of doubt, fear, and existential nausea as they gaze into the abyss, so eternally in touch with their own powerlessness that they can never accept that God has always been there, will always be there, and in fact, is there still, sustaining them in spite of themselves.

God is present.  He is constant.  He is unending love.  But whether we experience that reality as Heaven or Hell is not up to God.  It’s up to us. The fires of God’s love burn bright and hot and without discrimination–constant and unending.  It is up to us whether we learn to melt…or not.

In fact, Mr. Shore, the only way that Hell cannot exist is for God’s love to cease to be constant and unending.  But those who who have been blessed to experience God’s constant and unending love have also been given the power to imagine the tragedy of living outside of it.

Healthy Marriage Habit #3: Emotional Regulation

Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.”  Last week, I summarized all 8 divorceoptionhabits and we’ve looked at the first two habits in greater detail already.   Today, I’ll describe the third habit, Emotional Regulation.  After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

HealthyMarriage Habit #3 Good Self-Regulation:  Why is this important?

Self-Regulation refers to a person’s capacity to stay calm, recognize that they are losing their cool before it’s too late, and regain their composure even under pressure.  Your ability to negotiate conflict and tension in a marriage is directly dependent up on your ability to stay in the Solution-Friendly Brain State and avoid the Misery Making Mindset.     As you saw earlier, when stress causes our emotional temperature to rise, we’re unable to problem-solve and we tend to react rather than respond.  Psychologists refer to this process as “flooding” and it causes a person to be rigid and reactive under pressure (Seigel, 2013; Manes, 2013).  But, if you can learn keep your Solution-Friendly Brain turned on, even in conflict, you can stay in control of the discussion even if your partner loses control of him or herself.

When I was still engaged to my wife, an elderly couple gave us a bit of advice that was as true then as it remains today, “Don’t ever go crazy at the same time!”  If you have the ability to self-regulate, then you can keep discussions on track even if your spouse loses his or her cool.  Developing this skill takes work, but its well worth it because it is what enables you to not have to feel afraid or overwhelmed no matter what problem you are facing or how emotional your spouse becomes.

Of course, beyond the psychological benefits we receive from practicing those habits that lead to self-regulation, Galatians 5:22-24 identifies self-control as one of the Fruits that gives evidence that the Holy Spirit is dwelling in your heart.  Proverbs 25:28 reminds us that the person who lack the ability to regulate his or her emotions is like the city that is left defenseless and powerless in the presence of an invader.

Take the Quiz

T  F  1. We are respectful in our disagreements.

T  F  2. Our arguments result in solutions and concrete plans for improving things.

T  F  3. Even when we’re disagreeing with each other, we are careful to avoid saying certain, particularly hurtful things.

T  F  4. If we offend each other in an argument we are quick to apologize and forgive.

T  F  5. If we offend each other in an argument we bounce back and get the conversation back on track quickly.

T  F  6. We look for ways to encourage and support each other when we’re having tense discussions.

T  F  7.  Generally speaking, I wouldn’t agree with my spouse just to get  him/her to shut up.

T  F  8.  Generally, when I get angry, I do not lash out or say things that I think may hurt my partner even when I feel they might deserve it.

T  F  9.  Generally, when I get angry, I do not shut down, refuse to speak, or walk away from the argument.

T  F 10.  When conversations heat up, I am able to facilitate respectful breaks that give us time to cool down and start the conversation in a better place at a later time.

Give yourself 1 point for each “T”

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that maintaining Good Self Regulation is a real strength in your relationship.

A score of 4-7 means that your marriage would significantly improve by giving greater attention to increasing your ability to exhibit Good Self-Regulation in the presence of disagreements and offenses.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

How’d you do?  Even if you feel like your marriage is, in general, in good shape, if you’d like to strengthen your ability to cultivate greater Self-Regulation in your marriage, check out When Divorce is Not An Option:  How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love.  Or, for more personalized assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about our Catholic-integrated tele-counseling practice for couples, families, and individuals.  Let us help you experience all the love God has in store for you!

Want Faithful Kids? These 4 Secrets Will Make It Happen

Commonweal, has some bad news  for Catholic parents.  (But hang on, I’ve got the good news for you after this brief interlude.)kids

Here’s the bad news for Commonweal readers, and we may as well get right to it: Just over half the young people raised by parents who describe themselves as “liberal” Catholics stop going to Mass entirely once they become “emerging adults”—a new demographic category that means either prolonged adolescence or delayed adulthood, defined here in Young Catholic America as ages eighteen to twenty three.

But now, let’s put that sad trend in perspective: The picture isn’t all that much better for the children of “traditional” Catholics. Although only a quarter of those young adults say they’ve stopped going to Mass entirely, only 17 percent say they’re going every week, and in general, their allegiance to church membership and participation seems nearly as faded as the kids of so-called feckless liberals.  

Young Catholic America analyzes three waves of results from the National Study on Youth and Religion, collected from 2002 through 2008. Since many of the same young people were surveyed across this time period, the authors can compare earlier thirteen-to-seventeen-year-old respondents with those same young people five years later. Now that they’re eighteen to twenty three, their current status as Catholics might discourage even the most ardent evangelist. Only 7 percent of these young adults who might have turned out Catholic can be called “practicing” Catholics—if “practicing” is tightly defined as attending Mass weekly, saying that faith is extremely or very important, and praying at least a few times a week. About 27 percent are at the other end of the spectrum, classified as “disengaged,” meaning that they never attend Mass and feel religion is unimportant. In between these two poles is a complex landscape of the marginally attached—perhaps willing to identify themselves as Catholic, attending Mass sporadically at best, and in general living life with their Catholic identity as a more dormant, if not entirely irrelevant, force.   READ MORE.

It has nothing to do with liberal or traditional.  The book Commonweal cites totally missed the point.  Virtually nothing the institutional Church itself does will keep kids in the pews.  Not better preaching, or having perfect priests, or better music, or…whatever.  There is already a TON of research on this issue.  Young Catholic America appears to totally ignore this data from what I can tell.  In Real Estate, the key to success is “location, location, location.” In the Church, the key to raising faithful kids is “relationship, relationship, relationship.”
 
If we want to raise kids that are faithful and willing to save sex for marriage, then we need to do 4 things.
First, moms and dads need to witness a passionate marriage that’s worth saving sex for.
 
Second we need to make certain to love our kids in ways that make them feel close to us (not just us feel close to them). That’s the heart of discipleship between parent and child.
 
Third, they need to have a lived experience that the faith is having a qualitatively positive impact on their family life. If they can see that the faith is somehow a significant contributing factor to why their family like and enjoys each other more than their non-churched friends like and enjoy their family lives, they won’t mind–and in fact will eagerly strive to live up to–the extra rules and expectations we put on them.
Fourth, dads–yes, DADS–need to take charge of teaching the faith (oh, and the research actually shows that dads need to teach an authentic faith and model authentic piety, which is probably why trads did better in the survey).  All the data show that when dads actually take responsibility for teaching and witnessing to the faith, kids grow up to live it.  If moms are in charge of faith  formation, the figures for faith transmission are depressing.  
If those 4 factors aren’t in place, then religion just looks like a hypocritical hobby and the rules just make kids feel “weird” and unable to fit in with their peers. If we want to raise kids capable or making a radical witness, we need to make sure we are forming a radically intimate relationship with them.
For more information on how to raise kids who own their faith and love God with all their hearts, check out Parenting with Grace:  The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.

Healthy Marriage Habit #2: Emotional Rapport & Benevolence. Take the Quiz!

Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.”  Monday, I summarized all 8 divorceoptionhabits and yesterday we looked at Rituals of Connection.  Today, I’ll describe the second habit, Cultivating Emotional Rapport & Benevolence.  After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

Healthy Marriage Habit #2: Emotional Rapport and Benevolence:

Why Is This important?

Galatians 6:2 says “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Happy couples do exactly this in good times and bad times. They look for ways to take care of each other and make each other’s lives a little easier or more pleasant, especially in times of stress and disagreement between them.

In the healthiest relationships, couples exhibit a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions in the course of their everyday interactions and conversations (Gottman, 2011). That can seem overwhelming on the face of it|—|as if the only thing happy couples do is dance around in a state of blissful merrymaking, showering each other with presents and loving words. Relax. That’s not the case at all. “Positive interactions” include simple acts like smiling at your partner when you walk into the room, acknowledging each other’s presence and looking into each other’s eyes when you talk, and brief touches as you walk past each other, as well as giving meaningful compliments, thoughtful tokens of affection, and being intentionally affectionate with one another.
Sometimes, it can be hard to convince couples of the incredible power these simple actions have on the overall well-being of a marriage. On more than one occasion, I have had couples challenge me by saying, “I feel like we’re paying you a lot of money just for you to tell us to be nice to each other!” It may feel that way, but there is a great deal more going on than meets the eye. Studies such as the Gottman article I referenced earlier show that, when it comes to marital health, the devil (and for that matter, the angel) is in the details. Saving your marriage, for the most part, is not about big, dramatic gestures. It is about becoming more aware and sensitive and intentionally making more positive the ten thousand times you interact with your spouse each day and currently don’t give a second thought to.

Simple actions such as the ones I just listed do two things. First, they help your mate feel cared for and valued in the moment, which draws you closer to each other and makes you actually want to be together instead of feeling like you want to flee the room every time your spouse makes an appearance. Second, these simple practices make you more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt when you accidentally step on each other’s toes. It’s hard to take offense and react defensively to each other when you see that you are looking out for each other, happy to see each other, and trying to take care of each other thirty-eight times out of forty. If you’re working to make all those little interactions just a little more positive, it’s easier to let those other two out of forty times slide when you step on each other’s toes. We’ll discuss ways to develop this habit in chapter 5, but you can begin today just by doing the kinds of things I just identified. (And it’s okay to fake it if you don’t feel it just yet. As long as your intention is to feel it someday, that’s good enough.) Don’t expect your spouse to respond right away. It might even take a few weeks before your mate notices that there’s something different in the way you’re approaching him or her. I promise, though, if you stick with it, it will begin to make a difference.

Healthy-Marriage Habit #2: Emotional Rapport and Benevolence Quiz.

How important is developing this skill to YOUR marriage?

Answer true (T) or false (F) for each question.

T F  1. My spouse and I look for little ways to make each other’s life easier or more pleasant each day.

T F  2. My spouse and I know and understand each other well.

T F  3. My spouse and I know and understand each other’s needs.

T F  4. My spouse and I are thoughtful and sensitive to each other’s likes and dislikes.

T F  5. My spouse and I share frequent, meaningful, nonsexual, physical affection.

T F  6. My spouse and I look for little ways to support and encourage each other each day.

T F  7. My spouse and I know how to encourage each other when we feel down.

T F  8. My spouse and I find comfort in each other’s arms when we’re stressed.

T F  9. My spouse and I turn to each other for comfort when we are upset or frustrated.

T F  10. My spouse and I try to be gentle and caring toward each other even when we are frustrated or stressed.

Give yourself 1 point for each T.

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that maintaining Emotional Rapport and Benevolence is a real strength in your relationship.

A score of 4 through 7 means that you could significantly improve your marriage by giving greater attention to increasing your experience of Emotional Rapport and Benevolence.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

How’d you do?  Even if you feel like your marriage is, in general, in good shape, if you’d like to strengthen your ability to cultivate Emotional Rapport and Benevolence in your marriage, check out When Divorce is Not An Option:  How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love.  Or, for more personalized assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about our Catholic-integrated tele-counseling practice for couples, families, and individuals.  Let us help you experience all the love God has in store for you!

The Extraordinary Synod on the Family–Processing the Explosion

The Catholic world exploded the other day with the release of the Relatio the summary document intended to highlight the progress of the Synod Fathers so far.  There is another week ahead of course, bishopsand then the Synod will adjourn until next October when the conversation will pick back up up again with the Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops on the Family.  But the first week was, depending upon whom you ask, either the absolute end of the world, or nothing much to write home about.

I’ll admit that my eyebrows have been raised by what I’ve read so far about the Synod, but I’m not quite ready to crawl into my bomb shelter.    As a friend pointed out the other day, it was only a little more than 40 years ago when the world was sure the Church was going to endorse artificial birth control.  Nobody expected Humanae Vitae.

A Clear Theology of Family

My own sense of the summary report is that it is disappointing, but not so much for what it says (although I do have issues with this as well, and Robert Royal speaks to those concerns here) as for what it doesn’t say.  Specifically, the summary provides no clear sense that the bishops are even trying to articulate a clear theology of family.  Such a thing exists.  Perhaps the bishops are taking it for granted that everyone knows about it. I think the reaction to the Relatio shows that this is most definitely not the case.

My impression, so far, is that the Synod Fathers are tinkering.  They’ve been trying to address ad hoc problems within the family without really adequately addressing the fundamental problems that necessitated this Synod in the first place.  When one looks at the world, one sees rather clearly that “the family”, whatever that is anymore, is deeply broken.  Before we can get around to talking about how the Church can better respond to the needs of this particular irregular family situation or that, we have to clarify what the family is supposed to look like in the first place.

In other words, in this first week, the Synod Fathers have been so busy redirecting the smoke that they’ve forgotten the need to put out the fire.

The Big Questions

It’s still early in the game, of course and, as I say,  I’m not that concerned about where the Synod Fathers are at right now.  I also think the almost universal freak out is probably a good reality check for the Church.  So, while I can’t exactly march in that parade, I appreciate the floats and the band.   That said, I sincerely hope that the Synod starts to get its bearings and the real work can continue over the next year or so.  As the process moves forward, we’re going to see more discussion of the following…

What is a family, really?

Why is that definition of the family objectively superior to all other visions?

What is the mission of the family?   That is, what is the ultimate goal of  family life and what is its proper role in the Church and in the world?

How are Catholic families, and the Catholic Church in general, called to witness to the fullness of family life in the Church and in the world?

And then, finally, after we’ve done all that, we can finally answer the question we started with: How can we minister more effectively to those individuals whose personal circumstances are far from the ideal for which the Church stands?

Until we answer those first questions, we’re simply not equipped to answer that last question.

First Things First

It would be nice to think that the Church could just go in, tweak some pastoral practices, and call it a day.  But that clearly is not going to happen, because it was an impossible mission from the start.  The response to the Relatio by bishops, laity, and the world’s media alike shows that the problems are much more fundamental–and inescapable–than anyone would like them to be.

As the process moves forward, let us pray that our bishops find the courage to minister to the fundamental problems with the family now that they’ve discovered that sticking a finger in the dike won’t work.

 

Healthy Marriage Habit #1: Rituals of Connection. Take the Quiz!

Each day, in celebration of the release of my latest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love, I’ll look at one of the 8 habits that separates “marriage masters” from “marriage disasters.”  Yesterday, I listed all 8 divorceoptionhabits.  Today, I’ll describe the first habit, Rituals of Connection.  After a brief explanation, you’ll have a chance to take a quiz that can help you evaluate how healthy this habit is in your marriage.

Healthy-Marriage Habit #1: Rituals of Connection|—| Why Is This important?

One study examining fifty years of research on the effect of rituals such as eating together, praying together, and working and worshiping together found that these simple activities had an almost magical degree of power over marriage and family health (Fiese, Tomcho, Douglas, et al., 2002). Couples who regularly worked, played, discussed more than just the tasks of life, and prayed together were significantly happier and more stable than other couples and exhibited far fewer problems that negatively impact marital well-being, such as anxiety, depression, and substance abuse (Fiese, 2006). Research by the Baylor University Institute for the Study of Religion found that couples who prayed together were about 30 percent happier across every aspect of their relationship (e.g., sex, parenting, financial management, division of labor, and so forth) than couples who did not; and couples who prayed “a lot” were happier than couples who prayed “sometimes” (Rushnell and DuArt, 2011). Similarly, couples who enjoy “shared meaning” (i.e, similar beliefs and purpose in life) are also much happier in their marriages than couple who feel that they are unequally yoked regarding their beliefs and attitudes (Gottman, 2011).

It is easy to understand why this is so. Couples who make time to work, play, talk, and pray together at least a little bit each day and to a greater degree each week know that they need to prioritize their marriage; that marriage is an activity, not an accessory. It can be hard to have a stable, satisfying marriage if a couple tries to squeeze in time to work, play, talk, and pray together when all the work and chores are done.

Of course, as Catholics, we believe that the family is the domestic church. We know that the Catholic Faith is filled with rituals—Sunday and daily Mass, holy days, confession and other sacraments, adoration, Stations, para-liturgies, and prayers—that bind the family of God together, call us back to each other, and bring order to our lives. Taking seriously our role as domestic church means, at least in part, celebrating the power of marriage and family rituals and routines to bind us together similarly, call us back to each other, and bring order to our lives.

Take The Rituals of Connection Quiz!

Healthy-Marriage Habit #1: Rituals of Connection for Work, Play, Talk, and Prayer

How important is developing this skill to your marriage?

Answer true (T) or false (F) for each question.

T F  1. My spouse and I get at least a little time to work together almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F  2. My spouse and I get at least a little time to have some fun time together almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F  3. My spouse and I get at least a little time to talk with each other about feelings about life and our relationship (i.e., not just stuff that needs to be done) almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F  4. My spouse and I get at least a little time to pray together about our life and relationship (beyond Grace at meals) almost every day (at least five days out of seven).

T F  5. Once a week, my spouse and I usually spend at least an hour or two (over and above the daily time indicated in question 1) working together on some larger household project (e.g., cleaning or fixing things at home).

T F  6. Once a week, my spouse and I get at least an hour or two (over and above the daily time indicated in question 2) to do something fun (in or out of the house) just as a couple.

T F  7. Once a week, my spouse and I get at least an hour or two (over and above the daily time indicated in question 3) to talk together in greater depth about our life and relationship.

T F  8. At least once a week, my spouse and I attend church together.

T F  9. My spouse and I enjoy each other’s company.

T F  10. Even when we are not getting along, our relationship feels comfortable and familiar.

Give yourself 1 point for each T.

You scored ______ out of a possible 10 points.

A score of 8 or higher means that your rituals and routines are a real source of strength in your relationship.

A score of 4 through 7 means that you could significantly improve your marriage by giving greater attention to increasing the presence of rituals and routines in your relationship.

A score of 3 or lower indicates that this is a critical area for improvement in your relationship.

 

How’d you do?  Even if you feel like your marriage is, in general, in good shape, if you’d like to strengthen the rituals of connection in your marriage, check out When Divorce is Not An Option:  How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love.  Or, for more personalized assistance, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about our Catholic-integrated tele-counseling practice for couples, families, and individuals.  Let us help you experience all the love God has in store for you!

8 Habits of Healthy Couples

My newest book, When Divorce Is Not An Option: How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love looks at the eight habits that healthy couples cultivate in their relationship and describes, step-divorceoptionby-step how couples who are struggling can develop those habits in their relationship.

There’s a lot of confusion about what separates happy couples from unhappy couples.  The book explodes some of those myths.  For instance, you might be surprised to know that happy couples argue about as often as unhappy couples and are about as good at solving problems!  The real difference is how happy couples work hard to take care of each other when they’re arguing and also the ways they attend to both their relationship and their own emotional health with they are not in conflict.  Research shows that these eight habits that distinguish happy couples can be learned by any couple regardless of their background.  We know now that if a couple is willing to do the work to learn and practice these eight habits, virtually ANY marriage can be saved.

Do you and your spouse practice the Healthy Marriage Habits that can help you get the most out of your marriage?  Take a look.

1.  Rituals of Connection-– Happy couples have regular rituals for working, playing, talking, and praying together.  They carve out at some time each day to make sure they do something related to these four categories.  Rituals of connection form the skeleton of the relationship.  These rituals guarantee that the couple will prioritize their relationship and have the time they need to share experiences, relate on a deeper level to each other, and build a shared life together.

2.  Emotional Rapport & Benevolence– Happy couples make a point of being intentional about looking for ways to make each other’s days a little easier or more pleasant.  They turn toward each other in times of stress (instead of isolating) and actively look for ways to lighten each other’s burden even when they don’t feel like it.

3.  Self-Regulation–Happy couples are good at monitoring their emotional temperatures.  They know when they need to take a break from a stressful conversation and they know what to do to get themselves back to a calm and empathetic mindset so that the next round of discussions will go better.  They don’t blame their partner for their own emotional reactions.  Instead, they learn from the times they lose it and figure out how to do better the next time.

4. A Positive Intention Frame--Happy couples realize that most offenses in marriage are due to miscommunication or misunderstanding.  They realize that their partner gets nothing out of being intentionally offensive.  They try to understand the true intention or need behind the offense and find more respectful way to meet that need or intention.

5. Caretaking in Conflict–Happy couples know that the most important thing in problem-solving isn’t actually solving the problem.  The MOST important thing in problem-solving is taking care of each other so that they can solve the problem together.  Happy couples work to make sure each knows the other’s concerns are important.  They also look for ways to reassure each other that they can get through any difficulties as long as they stick together.

6.  Mutual Respect, Accountability, and Boundaries–Happy couples respect each other, which means that they are willing to listen and learn from each other even when it is hard.  They don’t have to understand why something is important to their partner.  It is enough that it is important.  They accept each other’s boundaries and work to accommodate each other’s needs and preferences even when those needs or preferences don’t necessarily make sense.

7.  Reviewing and Learning from Mistakes–Happy couples know how to learn from their disagreements.  They are able to go back over arguments and offenses in a way that helps them learn to do better next time.  They don’t blame and attack each other or endlessly debate what “really” happened last time.  They focus on what they need to do to handle similar situations better in the future.

8.  Seeking Healthy Support–Happy couples know when they need to learn new skills and they know where to turn for appropriate support.  They don’t complain about their marriage to friends who will simply confirm their biases.  They look for opportunities to develop new skills even when things are going well, and if they need help, they seek it either from mature couples who know and love them both, or marriage-friendly professionals who are qualified to teach the skills they need to address their particular struggles.

How’d you do?  Every couple has areas they are best at and areas they could improve in. If you would like to learn how to heal or strengthen your relationship by cultivating these skills, check out When Divorce is Not An Option:  How to Heal Your Marriage and Nurture Lasting Love.   You’ll discover a step-by-step plan for making your marriage everything you know it can be!

Or, if you feel you need additional support, contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute (740-266-6461) to learn more about how our Catholic tele-counseling practice can help you transform your marriage, family or personal life!