Pope Francis during a newborn mass in Buenos Aires, March 24th 2005. Photo source – Today’s Spanish newspaper EL PAIS.
Shame on You
I’m So Ashamed.
Shame, guilt, embarrasment. Emotions that are as universally experienced as they are universally unwelcome.
Elizabeth Duffy has a great post on shame on her blog. Personal, poignant, and thought-provoking. But I thought I would chime in to offer some additional insights from Pope John Paul II.
In Love and Responsibility, then Karol Woytyla, wrote a great deal about shame. He argued that shame is a protective emotion that warns us that we are being treated as an object, not a person. I think Elizabeth’s example of discovering her friend’s dad’s Playboy magazines is particularly apt. Looking through the magazines, she saw plenty of examples of people treated as objects, and she felt a sense of shame. God has hardwired us to expect to be loved as persons and not used as things. Shame is the feeling that warns us that we are in proximity of a situations where people–and possibly even I–might be used.
Shame is a protective emotion like fear (which warns us about physical harm) and guilt (that warns us about harm to our integrity) or even embarrassment (which warns us of potential threats to our social well-being).
Like any emotion, protective emotions like shame, fear, and embarrassment can be healthy or unhealthy. They are healthy if they help us identify a threat, take corrective steps, and move on. They are unhealthy if, instead of protecting us, they paralyze us and stop us from doing things that would be good for us to do. Fear becomes anxiety when it stops us from taking healthy risks. Guilt becomes scrupulosity when it stops us from receiving God’s mercy and forgiveness. Embarrassment become social anxiety when it stops us from engaging with others.
We shouldn’t be afraid or resentful of these protective emotions, but we should be careful to use them as they are intended. They aren’t supposed to paralyze us. They should move us to solutions that resolve the problems to which they bring our attention. And if these protective emotions are more suffocating than helpful, we should seek help, because that is not how we were created to be.
For more information on overcoming unhealthy manifestations of shame, guilt, and anxiety, check out God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy!
Coming Tues on More2Life Radio: Decisions…Decisions….
Today on More2Life Radio, we’ll look at why it’s so hard to make decisions. Sometimes it’s hard knowing what we want, much less what God wants. And it’s especially hard to know you’re doing the right thing when others disagree. We’ll explore how we get in our own way and principles we can use to determine the best choice in any situation.
Call in from Noon-1pm Eastern (11am C) at 877-573-7825 with your questions about situations that leave you wondering what to do.
More2Life TUES Q of the D: When is it hardest for you to feel confident about a decision? (For example; When others disagree? When choosing between two good things? Or two bad things? etc.)
Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)
Anger vs. Wrath: What’s the Difference?
Anger is a common enough emotion. Everyone gets angry from time to time, and anger, when used prudently as a normal part of the human experience, can be understood as the gift from God that allows us to recognize and respond when we feel we have witnessed–or been the victim of–an injustice. If our anger motivates us to seek solutions, address injustices in a productive way, and heal the damage that has been done to a relationship, then that anger can be both righteous and healthy. Righteous anger doesn’t see anger as an end itself. Righteous anger stirs us out of complacency and urges us to right wrongs and seek the justice that St Augustine said was necessary for true peace to exist.
But sometimes, anger can get out of control and turn destructive. We can use our anger as a justification for lashing out at others, or we can become addicted to our anger and use it as an excuse to withdraw from the people around us. When this happens, anger turns in on itself. It does not motivate us to seek answers or right wrongs. It simply burns everything and everyone it touches. First our own sense of right and wrong is impaired and we find ourselves lashing out, blaming, and abusing those around us. Later, if left unchecked, the flames of our anger will ignite our relationships and reduce them to ashes. The catechism tells us that this kind of anger, sometimes called wrath or fury, is actually a deadly sin because it causes us to desire and even work for vengeance instead of love. As Matt 5:22 says, “Everyone who remains angry with his brother is in danger of judgment.”
What to Do?
If you have a problem with anger, try these tips…
Catch your early warning signs.
Stopping anger early is key to being effective. Everyone has signs that let them know that they are approaching the point of no return. The time to take a break and calm down comes long before you start yelling at the person you are angry with. As long as the conversation is focused on working with the other person to find solutions, you are on solid ground, but the moment you start thinking of the other person as the problem, or experiencing other physiological signs of stress (rolling your eyes, “tsk-ing” and huffing and puffing, feeling the urge to pace, making disgusted sounds as the other is talking, fidgeting) it is time to take a break. All of these signs indicate that you are beginning to flood with the stress chemicals that will cause you to abandon logic and lose your cool. Once you notice yourself doing any of these actions, you probably have about 1-2 minutes to get yourself under control before you get to the point where you either become abusive or you shut down and withdraw. Catching yourself early prevents you from adopting either of these ineffective and potentially hurtful options.
Begin with an end in mind
If you’re angry, before you open your mouth, take some time to pray and reflect on the following. “What is the problem?” and “What are the one or two practical ideas I have about solving this problem.” Righteous anger is always ordered toward solving problems, not pouring gasoline on them. You can’t help but make a bad situation worse if you begin talking before you have your own ideas about what the endpoint should be. If you don’t know how to solve the problem, then begin the discussion by admitting that and then present your ideas about where you would like to turn to get the information you need to address the problem (e.g, a particular book, prayer, your pastor, a counselor).
Take a break
This is common enough advice, but most people don’t take breaks early enough to be effective. Most people wait until they are screaming at each other (or want to) before they “break.” This usually means “not talking to each other for the rest of the day and then ignoring the problem that started the whole mess.” This is not a break.
Counselors recommend taking a break much earlier, at the point when you begin to think of the other person as the problem and not your partner for solving the problem. At this point, it is useful to excuse yourself to use the restroom or get a drink from the kitchen (and for bonus points, offer to get them something while your out of the room). While you are in the other room, try to remind yourself that it is your job to find ways work together with the person with whom you are struggling. Remind yourself of the purpose of the discussion and what concrete resolutions you want to achieve. Then return to the discussion and reset the focus on solutions. For instance, you could say something like, “I know we’re frustrated right now. Help me understand what you would like to be different as a result of this conversation.” Or, “Here’s what I’d like to do about this problem. What do you think?”
Check your thoughts.
At the point that you start wondering if the person you are angry with is crazy, totally irresponsible, stupid, or out to get you, take a break, you’re too hot to be rational. Remember, the only way to solve a problem, even with a child, is to find a way to work with the other person to solve it. If you are convinced that the person you must work with to solve the problem is an idiot, you will never be able to partner with him or her effectively.
Stop seeing yourself as a victim
Wrathful anger tends to be rooted in a sense of powerlessness. When we have not done our homework and tried to come up with our own solutions to a problem before we begin talking about those problems with someone else one of two things happens. Either we can only talk about our frustration with the problem which makes us feel hopeless, or we may feel pressured to accept the other persons solutions-whether we like these solutions or not—because we haven’t brought anything to the table and, as a result, we feel resentful. In either case, the result is a feeling of powerlessness which causes us to lash out at the other person in an underhanded attempt to get them to take control over a situation we have not taken the time to figure out how to get control over.
People who deal effectively with anger refuse to see themselves as victims either of others or fate. They see themselves as responders to the challenges of life. As St Paul puts it, they know that with Christ they can be “more than conquerors.”
Get Help.
If you find that your anger is too strong to employ any of the preceding tips at all, or employ them effectively. If the people in your life tell you that your anger scares them (whether or not you think it should). If your anger ever causes you to become physical in any way with the person at whom you are angry. Get help. All of these signs indicate that your anger is stronger than your ability to control it. Competent, faithful counseling can help you learn to express yourself and meet your needs in a manner that does not alienate the very people you need to work with to create solutions.
For more ways to get your anger under control, check out God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy!
Coming Mon on More2Life Radio: Simple Gifts.
The Theology of the Body reminds us that we can only “find ourselves” by making a sincere gift of ourselves.
Today on M2L Radio, we’re looking at the simple ways you try to make a sincere gift of yourself to others and the ways others have made a gift of themselves to you. We’ll also talk about those times when people struggle to receive the gifts you want to give them.
Call in with your stories of the joys and challenges of giving and receiving the gift of self, Noon-1pm Eastern at 877-573-7825.
Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? Tune in live online at www.avemariaradio.net, listen via our FREE AveMariaRadio IPhone or Android App (Check your app store!), or catch archives of the program by downloading the M2L Podcast (also at avemariaradio.net)
Congrats to “Corpus Christi” and “Crown of Creation”: New Mens’ & Womens’ TOB Households at Franciscan University
This weekend I was proud to attend the induction ceremony for Corpus Christi and Crown of Creation households, respectively the new mens’ and womens’ households at Franciscan University dedicated to studying and living Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body at Franciscan University. They are the first of their kind. I am honored to have been asked to serve as the advisor to Corpus Christi, the men’s TOB household. I will be assisting in their TOB formation, but they have many great ideas for developing their understanding and appreciation for this important work. Damon Owens, the Executive Director of the TOB Institute was in attendance as Corpus Christi’s guest to encourage this new initiative. 
In what I believe is a testament to the movement of the Holy Spirit, the two households began somewhat independently of each other, but both are dedicated to living out the vision of love and the human person as laid out in Blessed John Paul the Great’s Theology of the Body. In particular, the men’s household is dedicated to seeking out opportunities for joyful, self-donative service, living an ethos of authentic love & chastity, and discovering their dignity as men of God. They have made commitments to communal and independent prayer, and an ongoing process of studying and applying JPII’s TOB. In particular, in honor of the fact that TOB began as a series of Wed addresses by Pope John Paul II, each Wed, the men of Corpus Christi have committed to reading aloud and studying the addresses together. I will be leading other opportunities for the men to dive more deeply into JPII’s work as well. In fact, this August, the co-coordinators of Corpus Christi will be attending Christopher West’s week long TOB immersion course at the TOB Institute.
The induction ceremony represents the end of an arduous, year-long process of household formation in which the student-founders were required to identify the structure of their household, and develop their covenant, commitments, and charisms. The household system is the primary way Franciscan sees to the spiritual formation of its students, provides social and front-line spiritual support, and invites students to own their faith. There are 48 households currently on campus, each of which is dedicated to a particular type of spirituality and charism–similar, in ways, to a secular order of religious (e.g., secular Franciscans, secular Dominicans, etc) but without the requirement of a lifelong commitment (although often resulting in lifelong relationships).
I’m pleased to help support these young men–and to also welcome the young women of Crown of Creation–who have recognized the life-changing power of TOB and are dedicating the next several years of there college experience to unpacking and spreading the profound spiritual/intellectual legacy of Blessed John Paul the Great. I ask that you support them with you prayers. They are truly an inspiring example of their generation and a hint at what God has planned for the next generation of the Church.