The Lies We Believe

We believe so many lies about ourselves.  We believe we’re hopeless, that we can never change, that things will never change, that nothing we do matters, that we don’t deserve love or goodness or justice or dignity or a million other things.  We are trapped by the lies we tell ourselves and the lies that others tell us.

 

Consolations V. Desolations

Jesus told us that  the truth will set us free (c.f., Jn 8:32).  St Ignatius of Loyola developed a system of discernment that could help us to determine the difference between movements of good spirits and movements of evil spirits.   A million or more times a day, a thought will pop into our head.  We have no idea where these thoughts come from but if we own them and take them in, they will affect our emotions and behavior.  If we let them pass through our minds without claiming them, they leave us unaffected.  In a sense, we could say that these thoughts are the result of good spirits and bad spirits whispering thoughts into our spiritual ear.  We have free will, so they have no direct power over us, but if they can persuade us to accept their whisperings as true, those thoughts become part of who we are, how we feel, and how we act.   It is our job to learn which of these whisperings we should attend to and which we should ignore.  St. Ignatius called the thoughts and feelings that draw us closer to God and his will “consolations.”  In spite of their name, consolations don’t always feel good, but they always cause to have clarity of the best and godliest way to respond to our circumstances.  If we attend and act upon those consolations, we can discover God’s will for our lives and fulfill our destiny of becoming whole in this life and happy with God in the next.

Similarly, St. Ignatius called the thoughts and feelings that move us away from God and his will “desolations” because they tend to separate us from God and make us feel powerless, hopeless, and self-indulgent.  The more we attend to these desolations, the more we pull away from God and become confused about who we are and how we are to live.

Cognitive Distortions

In addition to these spiritual helps, cognitive psychotherapy has identified 15 Cognitive Distortions.  These distortions represent the lies we hear in our heads about who we are and how life works.  The more we believe these lies, the more complicated, confusing, and unhealthy our life and relationships become.

I would argue that just as God is the author of all truth whether found in revelation or nature, we know that Satan is the Father of Lies.  As such, whether the lies we hear in our heads are of a more spiritual or psychological nature, we can understand that all of these lies spring from Satan’s own heart.  By uncovering those lies and exposing them for what they are we can begin to live in the truth.  Here is a complete list of the 15 Cognitive Distortions that wreck our lives, ruin our relationships and steal our peace.  Are you living in the truth that will set you free?  Read through the list to see what lies are holding you back (H/T PsychCentral).

1. Filtering.

We take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a situation. For instance, a person may pick out a single, unpleasant detail and dwell on it exclusively so that their vision of reality becomes darkened or distorted.

2. Polarized Thinking (or “Black and White” Thinking).

In polarized thinking, things are either “black-or-white.” We have to be perfect or we’re a failure — there is no middle ground. You place people or situations in “either/or” categories, with no shades of gray or allowing for the complexity of most people and situations. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

3. Overgeneralization.

In this cognitive distortion, we come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or a single piece of evidence. If something bad happens only once, we expect it to happen over and over again. A person may see a single, unpleasant event as part of a never-ending pattern of defeat.

4. Jumping to Conclusions.

Without individuals saying so, we know what they are feeling and why they act the way they do. In particular, we are able to determine how people are feeling toward us.

For example, a person may conclude that someone is reacting negatively toward them but doesn’t actually bother to find out if they are correct. Another example is a person may anticipate that things will turn out badly, and will feel convinced that their prediction is already an established fact.

5. Catastrophizing.

We expect disaster to strike, no matter what. This is also referred to as “magnifying or minimizing.” We hear about a problem and use what if questions (e.g., “What if tragedy strikes?” “What if it happens to me?”).

For example, a person might exaggerate the importance of insignificant events (such as their mistake, or someone else’s achievement). Or they may inappropriately shrink the magnitude of significant events until they appear tiny (for example, a person’s own desirable qualities or someone else’s imperfections).

6. Personalization.

Personalization is a distortion where a person believes that everything others do or say is some kind of direct, personal reaction to the person. We also compare ourselves to others trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.

A person engaging in personalization may also see themselves as the cause of some unhealthy external event that they were not responsible for. For example, “We were late to the dinner party and caused the hostess to overcook the meal. If I had only pushed my husband to leave on time, this wouldn’t have happened.”

7. Control Fallacies.

If we feel externally controlled, we see ourselves as helpless a victim of fate. For example, “I can’t help it if the quality of the work is poor, my boss demanded I work overtime on it.” The fallacy of internal control has us assuming responsibility for the pain and happiness of everyone around us. For example, “Why aren’t you happy? Is it because of something I did?”

8. Fallacy of Fairness.

We feel resentful because we think we know what is fair, but other people won’t agree with us. As our parents tell us, “Life is always fair,” and people who go through life applying a measuring ruler against every situation judging its “fairness” will often feel badly and negative because of it.

9. Blaming.

We hold other people responsible for our pain, or take the other track and blame ourselves for every problem. For example, “Stop making me feel bad about myself!” Nobody can “make” us feel any particular way — only we have control over our own emotions and emotional reactions.

10. Shoulds.

We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything.

For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Musts and oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment.

11. Emotional Reasoning.

We believe that what we feel must be true automatically. If we feel stupid and boring, then we must be stupid and boring. You assume that your unhealthy emotions reflect he way things really are — “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”

12. Fallacy of Change.

We expect that other people will change to suit us if we just pressure or cajole them enough. We need to change people because our hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.

13. Global Labeling.

We generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment. These are extreme forms of generalizing, and are also referred to as “labeling” and “mislabeling.” Instead of describing an error in context of a specific situation, a person will attach an unhealthy label to themselves.

For example, they may say, “I’m a loser” in a situation where they failed at a specific task. When someone else’s behavior rubs a person the wrong way, they may attach an unhealthy label to him, such as “He’s a real jerk.” Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. For example, instead of saying someone drops her children off at daycare every day, a person who is mislabeling might say that “she abandons her children to strangers.”

14. Always Being Right.

We are continually on trial to prove that our opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and we will go to any length to demonstrate our rightness. For example, “I don’t care how badly arguing with me makes you feel, I’m going to win this argument no matter what because I’m right.” Being right often is more important than the feelings of others around a person who engages in this cognitive distortion, even loved ones.

15. Heaven’s Reward Fallacy.

We expect our sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if someone is keeping score. We feel bitter when the reward doesn’t come.

 

 

Sometimes becoming aware of these lies is all a person needs to break free of their bonds, but sometimes we need more specific techniques and guidance.   If you would more help in overcoming the lies that hold you back, check out God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy! Finding Balance through God’s Grace  or contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute at 740-266-6461 to learn how you can work with a faithful, professional Catholic counselor though our marriage, family, and personal tele-counseling practice.

Getting the Marriage Conversation Right–Responding to objections

Nicole asks some important questions that I thought it might be helpful to respond to in a post.  Here comments are in italics and my comments are interspersed.

So what about the gay or lesbian couple who doesn’t *want* to have kids? Can we deign to let them marry? Maybe have a sticker on their marriage license: “no children were harmed in the making of this marriage.”

DR. GREG:  LOL.  That’s a cute idea in theory.  But do you hear how discriminatory and patronizing that is?  “Yes, yes.  You’re equal–as long as you promise to never have kids.”  Even if you could do this to couples (and you can’t) a couple could change their mind at any time.   How do you hold someone to the promise to never have children? The very idea ends up being too discriminatory and unfair to implement much less reinforce.

 

I also find it a bit disingenuous to couch this objection as “think of the children!” and insisting that no child raised apart from their biological parents can possibly feel “whole.” There are hundreds of thousands of children happily being raised in loving, supportive, adoptive families who I dearly hope are not exposed to this line of reasoning. Maybe the reason people wind up feeling “less than” is because we keep saying their families aren’t good enough?  As an aside, this feverent insistence on the irreplaceability of birth parents does not support the prolife goal of adoption as a response to unwanted pregnancies.

I don’t know if you are an adoptive parent.  I am. I’ve also been involved in foster and adoptive care for over 30 years.  The fact is, my wife and I are working tirelessly to make sure our child never feels a lack of anything in her life, but the truth is, at some point, no matter how awesome you are as an adoptive parent, you are going have to respond to questions like, “Why didn’t the people who gave birth to me want me?”  Or, “I wonder what the people who gave birth to me were like/look like?”  “I wonder where they are now.”    We all want to know where we’re from.   Our daughter is a very happy, talented, intelligent,  and well-adjusted kid, but my wife and I have also had to prepare ourselves to respond to questions and address a pain that our daughter will have to confront that children raised with their biological parents never have to address.

None of this takes anything away from the beauty of the gift of adoption.   Adopted children are amazing kids and adoptive parents are remarkable people (ahem, if I do say so myself), but if you are an adoptive parent you cannot deny your child’s right to ask questions–and get sensitive answers–about his or her origins even thought you commit yourself to doing everything you can every single day to mitigate the ache those question reveal.

 

I hope that helps.  I invite other readers to comment, criticize or play devil’s advocate.  I love a challenge.   Incidentally, the new comment system on Patheos requires me to approve all comments.  I actually have a life, so I only check for comments once or twice a day.  If you don’t see your comment  right away don’t assume I deleted it.  People who write to complain that I deleted them before I even read their comment are annoying and will be deleted for the crime of irritating me.   Be thoughtful. Be patient. Or get canned. That is all.

The Marriage Debate: What NOT to Do (and What TO do instead)

There is really no way to put a smiley face on it.  Yesterday’s SCOTUS decisions dealt a serious blow to the marriage movement.  The decision was not as catastrophic as it could have been.  One scenario had SCOTUS pulling a “Roe” and, by judicial fiat, granting a federal right to gay marriage in all 50 states.  As  I noted on the air yesterday, the decisions on DOMA and Prop 8 are the equivalent of having one’s legs cut off instead of one’s head.  Yes, one’s better than the other, but neither is exactly good.  Yes, we fight on, but it’s a little hard to not feel like Monty Python’s Black Knight while we do it.

As of 6/26/13,  thanks to the Supremes, anyone who believes there is something unique about traditional marriage–about a child’s right to have both a mother and a father–has become a bigot and a hate-monger.  There is no way around it.  Gay marriage is now the ideal that people who value progress, justice, and love (or at least the popular understanding of those terms) must support.   In an ironically chilling statement, the President said that he “won’t” force churches to accept the civil redefinition of marriage.   I say it was ironically chilling, because as Deacon Greg noted yesterday, in the President’s half-hearted attempt to reassure those who disagree with the decision, he did not say that he had no power (as the Constitution–for the time being–asserts) to force churches to accept his will  at some point in the future–as he is attempting to do with contraception and the HHS mandate (and BTW, mark my words, if we lose the mandate fight,  gay unions will be the next thing the gov’t tries to force the Church to support).  All he said was that he “won’t” do what he implicitly thinks he ought to be able to do.

In light of all this, it could be difficult for anyone on the side of traditional marriage to avoid getting lost in apocalyptic visions of the coming persecution.   But we really do have to resist this temptation because if we don’t we become the caricature our opponents would like us to be.

DO NOT BE WHAT THEY SAY WE ARE.

We must be careful to NOT become what they say we are.  Yesterday, in their anguish, I saw countless people posting horrible–and frankly, inexcusable–things about homosexuals.  I saw foolish posts on Facebook from prominent, well-known Catholics that featured obscene pictures of homosexual behavior at Gay Pride parades with sarcastic captions like, “Oh, SURE.   They’re JUST like us.”    Comments like this do not help our cause.  They simply turn us into exactly what they say we are.  Haters.  Worse, comments like this obscure the true reason we value traditional marriage.

MARRIAGE:  GETTING THE CONVERSATION RIGHT

I encourage–no, I beg–everyone to immediately get Bill May’s excellent book, Getting the Marriage Conversation Right.  The book is only 82 pages long but it will open your eyes about the real reasons traditional marriage is important and help you–as the title says–get the conversation right.

The short version of the book’s thesis is that support for traditional marriage has NOTHING to do with being against homosexuals and EVERYTHING to do with defending the rights of children.   Marriage is the only institution that exists to defend the rights of children to be united to their mom and dad.  When someone confronts you about traditional marriage, the questions you should be asking them are the following…

  • Do we need an institution that unites kids with their moms and dad? Yes or no?
  • Do children have a right to know and, as far as possible, be cared for by their moms and dads?
  • Does anyone have the right to create children with the intention of depriving them of their mother or father or both?
  • Should we have laws and curricula in schools that promote men and women marrying before having children?

OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE:  CHILDREN DO NOT HAVE GUARANTEED RIGHTS TO A MOTHER AND FATHER

Children have a natural right to be united to their mom and dad.  Marriage exists to protect this right.  This means several things.

1.  A child born, for instance, to a co-habiting couple, or a child who suffers divorce of his parents, or is raised in any other context than in a traditional marriage, cannot count on either his right to know where he comes from or his right be provided for by the people who created him.  When a mother and father are married, a child knows where he comes from and who he can expect to provide for him.  Marriage unites a child to his mom and dad.

2. Even now, almost everyone acknowledges that being deprived of either a mother or father is a bad thing.  For example; we feel sad for the child who never had the opportunity to meet his dad.  Or the child who’s mom died in childbirth.  Or the child of divorce who couldn’t count on one or both parents to be there.  Or the kid raised by his grandparents instead of his parents.  We recognize these things as sad because we all know that a child needs, not just “people” to care for him–or even any two people to care for him–but, ideally,  a mother and a father.  Preferably, his own mother and father.  Other people can do a terrific job of raising kids, but unless they are the child’s own mother and father, the child still feels a loss.  Moms and Dads make different contributions to a child’s development.  These contributions go beyond mere cultural constructs.  There is an essential difference between moms and dads that cannot be made up for by someone playing the role of mother or father.    Mothers and fathers interact with children differently.  They give different psychosocial gifts to their child.  A child raised without a mom or dad can be a good kid, a healthy kid, a well-functioning kid.  But he will never feel as whole as the child raised in an intact family with his own mother and father.

3.   Gay marriage cannot be equivalent to marriage because–if the above is true–no matter how much two men or two women  love each other, and no matter how technically skilled they may be at parenting, they cannot give a child a mother and a father.  As I pointed out above, in every other context in which a child is deprived of a mother or father, that is recognized as a tragedy.  Gay marriage is the only context where intentionally denying a child a mother or father is seen as a good thing.  This does serious violence to a child.

For instance, if a child of divorce who doesn’t know his father says he is sad about it, or goes to therapy, he would be allowed to grieve that absence.  But would a child raised by two lesbians be encouraged to tell his moms if he ached to have a dad?  Would he be allowed to grieve never having known his father or to feel frustrated about never being able to have a relationship with the sperm donor who helped his two “moms” conceive him?   Would a therapist be forced–because of so-called marriage “equality”–to tell this child that he has nothing to be sad about because his family was just as good as any other family even though his gut says differently?  In what other context is denying someone’s feelings a good thing?  Saying that gay marriage is equal to traditional marriage effectively says that children raised without a mother or a father have no right to feel the absence of the missing parent.  After all, things are equal, aren’t they?  Anyone who says otherwise is guilty of bigotry–including the child’s own feelings.  People who are shamed for the hurt they feel cannot heal the hurt they feel.  Gay marriage effectively necessitates the shaming of anyone–not just children of gay parents–who feels the absence of a mother or father.

4. If gay marriage is equivalent to marriage, then gay couples must be allowed–and even encouraged–to have access to whatever means they need to acquire the other thing that traditional married couples have; namely, children.  That means an exponential expansion of donor-conceived children, and surrogacy.  Click here to read about the research that describes the unique struggles of donor-conceived children.  Click here to read about the struggles in their own words.

5.  Yes, all of the above logic also applies to the similar abuses heterosexual couples perpetrate against children.  That said, at least with heterosexual couples, there is still a chance that these injustices can be addressed. With gay marriage, all the things that are at least arguably unjust when heterosexuals do them to children (surrogacy, donor-conception, depriving a child of a mother or father through various means) become irrevocably just when homosexuals do them.   When same-sex couples are seen as equivalent to heterosexual couples, the necessity of a father and mother for a child disappears.  There is no reason to solve the problems that come with the absence of a father or mother.  We just close our eyes to the possibility that there could possibly be any problems.

 WE ARE NOT AGAINST “GAY MARRIAGE.”

The upshot is that we are not against gay marriage.   We are for defending the institution that protects the rights of children to be united to their own mom and dad.  We recognize that this isn’t always possible, but we recognize that when it isn’t possible, that is a sad thing that must be dealt with compassionately–not denied as an inconvenient truth.

Homosexual persons have a right to be treated with dignity.  They have the right to be given whatever protections they need to live full, dignified, healthy lives free from persecution and prejudice.  But they do not have the right to pursue these goals by taking away the very few rights children have to be united to their mom and dad and, to the degree that it is possible, to be raised by their own mom and dad.  THAT is the problem with gay marriage.  Nothing else.

So, don’t become the bitter, hateful, homophobic caricature our opponents want us to be.   Get the marriage conversation right.   Please.

The future.  Our future.  Our children’s future depends on it.

COMING THURS on MORE2LIFE Radio: Holding on to Hope.

Coming Thurs on More2Life:  Holding on to Hope–When we’re going through hard times, the temptation to stop trying can be strong.   We’ll look at what hope is, what it requires of us, and how to hold on to it even through the toughest times.

PLUS, Damon Owens, Executive Director of the Theology of the Body Institute, joins us to discuss overcoming challenges to hope.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about how to persevere under pressure.

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Q of the D:  (Two-fer.  Answer one or both to win!) 

1.  What does “hope” mean to you?

2.  Give an example of a time in your life or relationships when you struggle with the temptation to just give up.

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a radio drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday on More2Life Radio.

This week’s featured title is:  God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy!  Finding Balance through God’s Grace –explores how to regain the emotional balance that stress, worry, and anxiety try to steal from you.  You’ll discover strategies for getting your life in order, putting first things first,  and mastering the emotions that threaten your inner-peace.

Winners will be announced on air and contacted by FB message following the drawing this Friday, 6/28.

Treating ADHD without Meds

In response to yesterday’s post on the Pontifical Council for Healthcare Workers’ conference on the effectiveness and ethics of stimulant treatment for ADHD a number of readers asked, “if not meds, then what?”

I want to say up front that I don’t personally believe that medication treatment for ADHD is completely useless or should be avoided altogether.  I do think that people are being oversold on the effectiveness of ADHD meds for the reasons listed in the article I posted yesterday.  Ritalin, and its cousins are not a cure for ADHD.  They only control the symptoms for a limited period of time.  Likewise, in children, ADHD meds can stunt growth.  Most interestingly, research by SUNY Buffalo shows that even if they do initially bring on some improvement, ADHD meds stop working altogether within 3 years of beginning them.

So what’s a parent to do?

Fortunately, there are a ton of effective behavioral treatments for ADHD.  Think of behavior therapy–and similar psychosocial interventions–as physical therapy for the brain.   Psychotherapeutic exercises literally increase the connectivity, development, and healthy functioning of the brain, especially brain processes that control attention, awareness, focus, and impulse control–all skills lacking in persons with ADHD.   In fact, cognitive-behavioral and psychosocial interventions for ADHD have consistently been shown to be more effective than medication for ADHD.  Ultimately, cognitive-behavioral and psychosocial approaches to treating ADHD actually heal the brain imbalances that make it difficult for ADHD sufferers to focus, follow-through, and control impulses.

Here is a great resource that lists many of the available treatment options for both children with ADHD and adults.

In addition to the above, mindfulness training (where the client learns how to calm and focus the brain through various exercises that improve concentration and focus) has been shown to be very effective for treating both adults and children with ADHD.

Likewise, neurofeedback, (a therapy that uses computer assisted exercises to teach the client to have conscious control of various brain skills like attention and focus) has a great deal of research showing it to be an effective treatment for ADHD.

Take a look at the above links.  You might be surprised to find resources that are more effective than meds and could actually cure the ADHD instead of merely controlling it for a time.

If you or someone you love has ADHD contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute.  Through our tele-counseling practice, you can work with a faithful Catholic counselor to get the training and support you need to overcome ADHD…for good.   740-266-6461

 

COMING WED on MORE2LIFE RADIO: Harden Not Your Hearts

Coming Weds on More2Life:  Harden Not Your Hearts–We all have people in our life who have hardened our hearts.  People who have consistently hurt, frustrated or disappointed us.  We’ll examine the Christian response to those difficult relationships and what the challenge to be peacemakers requires of us in those situations.

PLUS, Bishop Jeffrey Montforton joins us to discuss what the Parable of the Sower has to teach us about life today.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about responding rather than reacting when emotions run hot.

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 WIN A FREE BOOK in our SUMMER BOOK GIVEAWAY! (Details below).

Q of the D:  (Two-fer.  Answer one or both to win!) 

 1.  Give an example of a time you felt that the only option was to end a relationship with someone you felt was treating you badly?

 2.  When someone’s consistently offensive behavior has hardened your heart to them, how do you think our faith calls us to respond?

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a radio drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday on More2Life Radio.

This week’s featured title is:  God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy!  Finding Balance through God’s Grace –explores how to regain the emotional balance that stress, worry, and anxiety try to steal from you.  You’ll discover strategies for getting your life in order, putting first things first,  and mastering the emotions that threaten your inner-peace.

Winners will be announced on air and contacted by FB message following the drawing this Friday, 6/28.

The Vatican’s Been Talking About ADHD and the Ethics of ADHD Meds.

Apparently some Cardinals have been having a hard time paying attention in long curial meetings.

Kidding aside, although I am aware that the various Pontifical Councils regularly host scientific conferences on a variety of current medical and social problems, even I was surprised to learn of the large discussion on ADHD and medication that was recently hosted by the Pontifical Council for Healthcare Workers.

One of the presenters has a very interesting summary of reactions to his presentation in which he argued against both the effectiveness and ethics of prescribing medication for ADHD.  His findings–that research shows no real benefit of stimulus-based medication treatment, research based evidence showing medical and psychological problems associated with stimulus-based treatment, and that there are ethical concerns with the practice–raised eyebrows.

Here’s a taste…

 in 1997, Quebec greatly expanded insurance coverage for medications, and in the wake of that change, the diagnosis of ADHD and the prescribing of stimulants in the providence soared, to rates markedly above the rest of Canada. This allowed the researchers to assess whether, as the result of this expanded treatment, the outcomes for children with ADHD in Quebec improved.

Here is what the researchers found:

“The increase in medication use is associated with increases in unhappiness and a deterioration in relationship with parents. These emotional and social effects are concentrated among girls, who also experience increases in anxiety and depression. We also see some evidence of deterioration in contemporaneous educational outcomes including grade repetition and mathematics scores. When we turn to an examination of long-term outcomes, we find that increases in medication use are associated with increases in the probability that boys dropped out of school and with marginal increases in the probability that girls have ever been diagnosed with a mental or emotional disorder.”

Read the rest here.

COMING TUES on MORE2LIFE RADIO: Get A Hold of Yourself!

Coming Tues on More2Life:  Get A Hold of Yourself!  We all have times when we react rather than responding to emotionally-charged situations.  We’ll look at what it takes to tame the reactions that tend to run away with you and how to cultivate greater peace and creativity.

PLUS, SharingCatholicFaith.com Family Psychologist and Master Catechist, Dr. Joseph White joins us to talk about:  Teaching Teens to Make Good Choices

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about responding rather than reacting when emotions run hot.

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Q of the D:  (Two-fer.  Answer one or both to win!) 

1.  Give an example of a situation that tends to provoke you to react rather than respond?

2.  People have different reactions.  Some get angry, some quiet and withdrawn, some filled with nervous energy.  When you get upset, how do you react?

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a radio drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday on More2Life Radio.

 

This week’s featured title is:  God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy!  Finding Balance through God’s Grace –explores how to regain the emotional balance that stress, worry, and anxiety try to steal from you.  You’ll discover strategies for getting your life in order, putting first things first,  and mastering the emotions that threaten your inner-peace.

Winners will be announced on air and contacted by FB message following the drawing this Friday, 6/28.

Can’t get M2L on a Catholic radio station near you? YOU CAN STILL HEAR US!
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“That they all may be one.” In which Calvin & Hobbes, Jung, and Pope JPII Help Us Experience the Connection We Crave with Others.

Everyone longs for connection.  We all crave closeness but it can seem so elusive at times.  In the face of the struggle to fulfill that desire to be in synch with others, we can often despair that it was ever meant to be.

We shouldn’t.   The Theology of the Body reminds us that we were created to live in unity with God and others.   And, of course, this idea is deeply rooted in scripture.  Genesis (2:18) asserts that it was God’s intention from the very beginning that would live in intimate communion with others.  Jesus, himself, prayed for unity we all crave in John 17:20-23 where he said,  “Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that you have sent me. And the glory which you gave me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one.”   The desire for unity that is written on the human heart points to this call to ultimate unity between God, us, and all of humankind.

A Taste of Heaven

All of us have experienced at least flashes of this unity in our lives.  Every once in a while, God gives us a taste of that connection for which we were created and to which we are destined.  Even if it is rare, most of us  have had that experience of being in the presence of someone who, for some reason, in that moment, makes everything seem peaceful, makes connection seem easy and helps it all  just “makes sense.”  Jung called this experience “synchronicity”  other psychologists like, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, call it “flow.”  But whatever you call it, it is a universal longing of the human heart and our happiness depends on our ability to fulfill that longing.

Unity and Holiness

What does it take to cultivate this sense of unity with others?  Most people would say, “time” or “quietness” and to some degree they’re right.  A person needs both of these things to cultivate the qualities that contribute to their ability to be in synch with others.  That said, it’s possible to have this sense with someone even when you don’t have a lot of time and are in a noisy crowd of thousands.  For instance, people who experienced Pope John Paul II, or Mother Theresa, or even now, Pope Francis, will tell you that even if they only got a few seconds with one of these holy people, they were made to feel like they were the only ones who mattered in that moment.  There was a transcendent connection–in the middle of the chaos of the crowd–where one felt “in synch” (in synchronicity) with the other.

Christian mystical theologians tell us that this ability to experience and create moments of unity is a sign of holiness.  Since God is one, and gathers all things into himself so that all may be one, the closer we draw to God, the more we are able to experience unity and share that experience of oneness with another.

Cultivating Connection:  Four Qualities

So we see that the ability to be in synch with others isn’t so much a product of our environment as much as it is a state of being, a mindspace if you will, in which it becomes possible to take down the barriers that separate us from each other and, in turn, create intimate connection.  Psychologists who study these states of being as they naturally occur have identified 4 qualities that enable a person to cultivate that sense of connection with another.  We all have the potential to exhibit these qualities and chances are we already exhibit them to some degree or another.  The trick is to develop them to the degree that we can experience them consistently and simultaneously.  The four qualities that lead to this sort of soulful connection between people are known  by the acronym COAL; Curiosity, Openness, Acceptance, and Love.  Let’s look at each of these qualities.

COAL Fuels Connection

Curiosity is defined, in this context, as the genuine and honest desire to know another person; their story, thoughts, feelings, and heart.  This type of curiosity is driven by a sincere desire to understand the other person and appreciate the world through their eyes.

Openness is the  willingness to leave my comfort zone for sake of connection with the other.  We often resist opportunities to see the world through others because it can be disturbing to our own sense of reality (as Calvin, below, kindly illustrates).  A healthy sense of openness allows us to leave our own worldview intact while we try on the worldview of another.  The goal of openness is not so much agreement with the other as it is understanding of the other.

Acceptance is the willingness to hear the other person’s thoughts, feelings, ideas and life story without judgment.  This is especially tricky for Christians because we believe, rightly, in absolute truth.  It can be hard to feel that I can be accepting of another’s experience and still be committed to the proposition that there is a right way to live and a right path to walk.   Often, curiosity and openness will lead me to encounter people who are very different from me and who’s own worldview clashes significantly, even violently, with mine.  Acceptance of the other’s worldview does not necessarily mean agreement.  It means that I am willing to understand that the other persons views represent a sincere and honest attempt on their part to meet their needs or fulfill their good intentions.  The means by which they attempt to meet those needs or intentions may be deeply flawed, and I might think that it would be better if they changed, but in accepting them, I respect how they came to have the views they do and I respect the needs and intentions that drive those views.  For Christians, this concept might be best expressed as the spiritual practice of charitable interpretation.

Loving represents a  genuine commitment to working for the good of other.  No matter how much I may disagree with someone or how different they may be from me, I actively demonstrate my commitment to doing what I can to making their life easier, more pleasant, more edifying, and healthier in whatever way I can.

The more we intentionally cultivate these four virtues in our life and relationships the more likely it is that we will have those flashes of connection, those moments of synchronicity and unity that satisfy the ache in our hearts for intimacy.   The closer we come to fulfilling Jesus’ prayer that all might be one in Him.

 

COMING FRIDAY ON MORE2LIFE–Getting In Synch (Plus, Win a Free Book–Drawing today!)

Coming Friday on More2Life:  Getting in Synch– The Theology of the Body reminds us that we were created to live in unity with God and others. Sometimes we have flashes of that unity and we talk about being “in synch” with another person–where things feel easy and just make sense.  Everyone wants to feel comfortable and at peace with the people in their life.  But getting to that place where our relationships feel easy and comfortable takes work!  Today on M2L, we’ll talk about what it takes to be in synch with others and how to overcome the obstacles to unity we encounter along the way.

Call in at 877-573-7825 from Noon-1 Eastern (11-Noon Central) with your questions about overcoming the obstacles to unity that you encounter in your relationships.

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WIN A FREE BOOK–DRAWING TODAY–in our SUMMER BOOK GIVEAWAY! (Details below).

Q of the D:  (Two-fer.  Answer one or both to win!)

1.  What do you think it takes to be “in synch” with another person?

2.   What do you think gets in the way of being “in synch” with the people in your life?

*Win a free book!  Every day you respond to the question of the day your name will be entered in a radio drawing to win a free book from the Popcak Catholic Living Library (over 10 titles in all)!  Again, each day that you respond you will get another chance at winning a free book in the drawing held every Friday on More2Life Radio.

This week’s featured title is:  How to Find True Love. —How to find true love is a book about finding God’s love hidden in the little moments of everyday life.  Each chapter is a short reflection on another surprising way we can experience more love in our lives and, ultimately, experience how much God, himself, truly loves us.

Winners will be announced on air and contacted by FB message following the drawing TODAY–Friday, 6/21.