Of Birds, Bees, and Human Beings

By: Christopher West

animals

We ain’t nothin’ but mammals, so let’s do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel — so go the lyrics of a song by a band called “The Blood Hound Gang.”   The band’s name carries the same theme — we’re animals with an urge to merge, so let’s go for it whenever the urge presents itself.   The idea is almost laughable, but for the fact that large swaths of humanity accept it as modern common sense.

Songs like this, backed by the media and even mental health professionals have fostered the notion that sexual restraint is inherently bad for us — and many of us have believed them.   But does this make sense?   We encourage self-restraint all the time: don’t hit your sister, share your toys, don’t eat the whole cheese cake.  These, and a great multitude of other restraints, are considered normal and healthy.   But why do people cry “pathology” as soon as someone suggests restraint for the sexual appetite?

A Culture of Indulgence

It’s certainly true that a puritanical and repressive approach to the sex drive is not healthy.   No one (I hope) wants to return to the days of deafening silence about sex when the sight of a woman’s ankle could cause scandal.   But is unrestrained libido the answer?  Our society has come to champion sexual indulgence as a right.   And we wonder why molestation, rape, abortions, “fatherless” children, adultery, divorce, pornography, and STD’s are rampant.   Could it be because human beings, both men and women, are behaving like animals?

When push comes to shove, do some people really believe “we ain’t nothin’ but animals”?   If a woman says of her date, “He was an animal,” we know immediately what she means: he did not respect her as a person; he treated her as an object to satisfy his own instincts.   If we “ain’t nothin’ but animals,” where’s the problem?

Take this behavior to its extreme.   Suppose a man forcibly indulges his “animal instincts” with a woman.   What makes this a crime?   Blood hounds can’t be charged and prosecuted for sexual misconduct.   The very words “crime” and “misconduct” indicate a moral order, a meaningless concept for animals.   And this is precisely the point.

Human Dignity and “Animal Rights”

So often behind the modern push to equate human beings with animals lies the subtle or not-so-subtle agenda of moral relativism, the rejection of a moral order to which all are accountable.   And so often behind the agenda of moral relativism lies the desire to indulge libido without any restraint — that is, the desire to behave like animals when it comes to sex.

A world that teaches “chickens are people too” is inevitably a sexually confused world.   When we raise animals to the level of human persons, we’re not really dignifying animals, we’re debasing ourselves.   And one of the first human mysteries to be debased in the animals-are-persons and persons-are-animals world-view, as the above song points out, is sexuality.

Although biologically similar, the joining of man and woman in “one flesh” is worlds apart from the copulation of Fido and Fidette — at least its meant to be!   Fido and Fidette are merely following an instinct intended to continue their species.   Man and woman are meant to be loving one another in the image of a life-giving God, something impossible for a being ruled by instinct.

Because of the effects of original sin, we often experience our sex drives acting upon us as if we were animals.   But if we are ever to find happiness, we must, with the help of divine grace, raise our behavior above — far above — what the musk oxes and jack assess are doing on the Discovery Channel.

Sex, Heaven, and Priestly Celibacy

By: Christopher West

priest

In a recent column called “Ostriches at Vatican City” Steven and Cokie Roberts insist that the Catholic bishops have chosen to “bury their heads in the sand” by reaffirming the requirement of priestly celibacy.   Steven and Cokie believe that “ending the ban on marriage is the easiest fix” for the priest shortage.

Priest  Can  Marry

No Catholic would deny that we need more priests.   And it’s true that the practice in the Latin rite of the Catholic Church of reserving priestly ordination to celibate men could change.   The Catholic Churches of the East have valid married priests.

So, if someone asks, “Why can’t priests be married?” the real answer is, they can.   There is more to the Catholic Church than the Latin rite.   However, with good reason, priests in the West are normally chosen from among men who have discerned celibacy as their vocation.

There is a supreme value to the celibate witness that seems entirely lost on Cokie and Steven.   This is understandable.   Generally speaking, the Church in America has done a lousy job educating her flock on the meaning of the Christian vocations, and the scandalous behavior of some avowed celibates within the Church has only added to the confusion.

The Value of the Sacrifice

A short column can’t do justice to the issues, but it’s a start.   First, in order to understand the value of celibacy, we must understand the value of marriage.   Why?   Because the Church bases the value of any sacrifice on the value of that which it sacrifices.   For example, it would be meaningless for me to give up smoking for Lent.   Smoking holds zero value for me.

The Church places such a high value on celibacy precisely because she places such a high value on that which it sacrifices — the union of the sexes.   In the Catholic view of things, the joining of man and woman in “one flesh” is a sacred foreshadowing of the eternal union that awaits us in heaven (see Eph 5:31-32).   God gave us sexual desire, you might say, to be like the fuel of a rocket that’s meant to launch us toward the stars and beyond, to the eternal mystery of Christ’s union with the Church.

But what would happen if those rocket engines became inverted, no longer pointing us heavenward, but pointing us back upon ourselves?   Welcome to the fall-out of the sexual revolution.   The union of the sexes serves as an icon, a sign of our ultimate fulfillment, but it is the beginning of our demise when we worship sex itself.   A culture that worships sex has surely lost sight of heaven.

Marriage in Heaven

Jesus says we will no longer be given in marriage in heaven (see Mt 22:30).   Why?   Because we no longer need signs to point us to  heaven, when we’re in heaven.   The “marriage of the Lamb” (Rev 19:7) — the union of love that alone can satisfy — will be eternally consummated.

In turn, Jesus calls some to remain celibate not for celibacy’s sake, but   “for the sake of the kingdom” (Mt 19:12) — that is, as a living witness to the union that awaits us in heaven.   Authentically lived, a celibate’s life proclaims that, as beautiful and wonderful as the union of the sexes is, there is a greater love, a greater union worth “selling everything” for.

It is entirely fitting that priests would be called to this level of sacrifice.   In a world that idolizes sex, we desperately need the courageous witness of priestly celibacy.   For, when it is properly lived, it very effectively reorients our rocket engines toward the heavens.

Perhaps the bishops, rather than having their heads in the sand, were actually looking toward the stars.

Why Do Men Look at Porn? Oprah Viewers Want to Know

By: Christopher West

pron

A few years ago I happened across Oprah’s web site and noticed that her show that day was called “Why do men do that?”   I’m not a regular Oprah viewer, but I tuned in that day to see a panel of “experts” on male behavior, including Jay Leno, explain why men look at pornography, go to strip clubs, and cheat on their wives.

First of all, ladies, be assured, not all men do these things.   One would have thought by watching Oprah that faithful men were extinct.   Not so.   But, alas, the pornographic culture has seduced a great many men.   Why?   All Jay Leno and his panel of friends could offer were excuses.   Many of the women in the audience were visibly and audibly pained as they were told in so many words to “get over it” because “it’s no big deal.”

Why do a great many men look at pornography, go to strip clubs, and cheat on their wives?   Because the human heart has been twisted by lust.   God created sexual desire to be the very power to love in the divine image.   This is what enabled the first man and woman to be naked without shame (see Gen 2:25).   They loved rightly, and there is no shame in loving as God loves.

But since the dawn of sin, sexual desire has become inverted, self-seeking.   We cover our bodies in a fallen world not because the body is “bad,” but because the body is so very good and — when we are in touch with our own goodness — we instinctively feel the need to protect the body from the degradation of lust.

In men, inverted sexual desire tends to seek physical gratification at the expense of women.   When lust takes control of a man’s heart, it seeks release in whatever outlet presents itself.   This is exactly what the porn industry capitalizes on.

Why does all of this, pain women so much?   Because women want to be loved and cherished for who they are as persons, not for the sexual release they offer men.   The opposite of love is not hatred.   The opposite of love is to use someone merely as a means to an end.   This is what lust leads men to do — use women rather than love them.

Women don’t simply want their husbands to direct their lusts exclusively towards them, as if this made a man “faithful.”   As our late Pope John Paul II once pointed out, a husband can commit “adultery in his heart” with his own wife  if he treats her as nothing but an object for his selfish pleasure.

I know it’s a cliché, but why do so many wives claim “headache” when their husbands want sex?   Could it be because they feel used rather than loved?   Marriage does not justify lust; it is not a ticket to treat a spouse as a means of selfish pleasure.   A woman who is the object of lust soon realizes, “You don’t love me; you don’t need me.   You’re only interested in a means to your own gratification, and you can get that anywhere.”

When the name of the game is self-gratification, any outlet will do.   In this view, the Church’s teaching on sex seems tailor made to “keep me from having a good time.”   But when the name of the game is self-donating love, everything the Church teaches seems tailor made to help me overcome lust and learn to love as God intended in the beginning.   Bingo.

The truth of the Church’s teaching on sexual love is confirmed in the pain and heartache of those who are immersed in lust.   Would that someone on Oprah’s panel could have validated women’s pain and encouraged them not to settle for men enslaved by lust.

As an aside, men are not the only of the sexes to experience this lustful desire to use another person as an object of gratification. Women are just as likely to experience lust as men are, although it may take the form of emotional use more often than a strictly physical and sexual use (although it should be stated that woman are increasingly experiencing lust in the latter form as well.) The topic of this article was addressing the problem of men’s objectification of women given the nature of the particular Oprah episode being discussed.

Another View of the Prodigal Son

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

prodigal

The Prodigal Son:   The Story

As most of you recall, the parable tells the story of a son who demands his share of his inheritance while his father is still alive.   Upon receiving the money, the son retreats to a far-off land where he squanders the money on all sorts of immoral pursuits.   Running out of money, the son is forced to work as a pig farmer until he decides that it would be better to be his father’s servant than to continue where he is.   He returns home expecting to have to beg to be allowed to be an employee in his father’s household but his father sees him on the road, runs to him, forgives him, and reaffirms their relationship as father and son even to the point of throwing a party for the son who was lost and has returned.

Most people who hear that story cast themselves in the role of the prodigal son.   We imagine ourselves as the ones who left our father and who are in need of forgiveness.   We experience the story as a powerful witness of God’s mercy and love and we rejoice in knowing that nothing we could ever do could separate us from the love of our Heavenly Father.

Research shows that many children of divorce do not see the story this way.

How Divorce Twists the Story:

Rather,  children of divorce tend to cast themselves in the role of the abandoned father.   They see  their parent  as the prodigal son who leaves the family because of some sin.   Children of divorce tend to hear this parable not so much as a comforting story of the abundance of God’s forgiveness and love, but as a command to forgive the prodigal parent.   As a result, children of divorce often struggle with faith because they are either not ready to forgive that parent or perhaps feel that their faith is commanding them to do something that is not safe (as in the case of an abusive parent).

It’s an eye-opening finding.

I hope that we can do more to help children of divorce step out of the caretaking role and experience that love and forgiveness that comes without cost.  Or, better yet, perhaps we parents can work on our marriages a little harder and stop putting our kids in the role of being our emotional/spiritual

 

 

Come Away, My Beloved-Do You Know How Much God Desires You?

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

heart on fire

“Come Away, My Beloved. Let him kiss me with kisses of the mouth! More delightful is your love than wine!” (Song of Songs 1:1)

Is there anything more beautiful than a bride on her wedding day? Is there anything more touching than seeing a groom’s face light on the eyes of his beloved? I remember when I saw my bride for the first time standing at the back of the Church. I could barely catch my breath. I couldn’t believe how blessed and lucky I was to be marrying such an amazing woman. What if I told you that is exactly how God feels about you? The Song of Songs is a scandalously passionate exploration of the love between a bride and her bridegroom.

This book of the bible leaves little to the imagination as the bride sings of her longing for her man and the bridegroom replies with intimate praise of her beauty. In the words of Pope St. Gregory the Great,

“Hence it is that…words are set down that pertain to bodily love, so that the soul, wakened anew out of its listless state by a language to which it is accustomed, may heat up and may, by the language of a lesser love, be aroused to a higher. For in this book, kisses are mentioned, breasts are mentioned, cheeks are mentioned, loins are mentioned; and the holy picture these words paint are not meant for mockery or laughter. Rather ought we focus our minds on the greater mercy of God. We must notice how marvelously and mercifully, in making mention of the parts of the body and thus summoning us to love, [God] works with us; for he reaches down in to the vocabulary of our sensual love in order to set our hearts on fire, aiming to incite us to a holy loving. Indeed, by the act in which he lowers himself in words, he also elevates our understanding; for from the words associated with this sensual love we learn how fiercely we are to burn with love for the Divine.”

–Pope St. Gregory the Great: On the Song of Songs.

You know, at least intellectually, that God loves you. But did you ever stop to think of how much he desires you and longs to be desired by you in return? When you are in love, what else can you think about? What would you let stand in the way of getting one more second on the phone, one more minute by your love’s side? Is there anything that could be more fascinating to you than your beloved’s face? Is there anything more wonderful than the eyes of your beloved looking at you with so much care? So much warmth? God is looking at you that way right now. Is there anything more comforting than your beloved’s arms wrapped around you? God wants to hold you that way now.  He doesn’t care what you’ve done; who you are; who you are not. He doesn’t care where you come from or how much of a hot mess you are. Dry your tears. He loves you as a bridegroom love a bride. You are his beautiful beloved and he longs to be one with you. Will you say, “I do” today?

To learn more about the surprising ways God reveals his love for you, check out How to Find True Love—a book about discovering God’s love in unexpected places.

Supporting the Sacraments: What Parents Can Do to Help Their Kids’ Faith Stick.

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

first communion

Whether, Baptism, first Confession, First Communion, or Confirmation, preparing to receive the Sacraments is a big step in our children’s lives and a  huge  opportunity to do more in our families to help deepen their experience of the faith.

The Church calls families “the Domestic Church” which means that the vast majority of our faith is lived in our homes.   The Church tends to assume that there is a continuity and a complementary relationship between the way we live our faith at home and the way we celebrate our faith in the Sacraments.   The best way to make sure our children own their faith is to do everything we can to maintain this continuity by looking for ways to connect our kids experience of the Sacraments with our daily life as a family.   Here are some examples.

Baptism

-Our baptism is the day we were born into the family of God.   Find out your children’s baptism day and celebrate it for the birthday that it is.   Have a special meal and a special dessert.   Dig out the photos you took of your child’s baptism and share the story of that special day every year.

-Does your child know his or her patron saint?   Traditionally, Catholics would give their children the name of a particular saint so that he or she could be an inspiration to their child and pray for their child.   Even if your child was not named after a particular saint, you can help your child choose a saint to be his or her patron.   Read stories about the life of your child’s patron.   Make sure to ask that saint to pray for your child when you pray together at night or other times.

First Confession

-Confession represents your child’s growing awareness of right and wrong and the need to take responsibility for his or her actions.   Most importantly, it is an opportunity to experience God’s love and mercy and his willingness to walk alongside us as we work to become the best version of ourselves.   Does your family go to confession regularly?   Make it a habit to go together at least once a month.

-During your child’s nightly prayer time with you, help your child make a simple examination of conscience.   Gently ask your child to think about the times he struggled to be obedient to you or kind to his brothers and sisters.   Help your child ask God for help to do better with those things.   Encourage your child to confess the things he consistently struggles with so that he can receive God’s special help to do even better.

First Communion

-If baptism is our birth into God’s family, communion is when we actually become God’s flesh and blood.   What an incredible honor to be able to share so intimately in God’s life!   Do you take time to prepare for Mass as a family?   Make the effort to get to Church early so that you have time to pray before Mass and get yourselves ready to participate the incredible honor of receiving Christ’s body and blood.

-Take a few minutes to at least read the Sunday Gospel reading as a family the night before.   Use a good children’s bible to make it more accessible to younger children.   Discuss the reading and ask your kids how it applies, practically, to their lives.

-Although it’s a different sort of meal, making regular time for real family meals (where you actually sit and talk to each other) will give your kids a deeper appreciation for the intimacy they can experience at the Table of the Lord.

Confirmation

Confirmation is not a Catholic Bar-Mitzvah or graduation ceremony.   Some dioceses do it  before  First Communion, in fact, and the Eastern Church does it at the same time as baptism and communion—in infancy.   Confirmation is the sealing of the Holy Spirit and a kind-of commissioning that empowers us to proclaim with our words and actions that “Jesus Christ is Lord!”   (see, 1 Cor. 12:3)

-Teach your children how to lead family prayer.   Give them opportunities to lead grace at meals, the rosary, and other family prayer times.   Teach them that they have an important contribution to make to the family’s spiritual well-being!

-Review the fruits of the Holy Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, long suffering, mildness, faith, modesty, self-control, and chastity).   Ask yourself on a regular basis, “Which of these virtues would make our family stronger this week?”   Ask each child to identify one thing they will do to work on that virtue.   Talk about your efforts over dinner.

-Talk with your children about the ways their good choices proclaim that “Jesus is Lord!” at school or with friends.   Talk with them about the fact that God has a mission for their lives and that whether at home, school or with friends, they are called to lead by example and try their best to bring out the best in others.

Be Creative

These are just a few ideas to get you started.   Use your own creativity to identify more ways you can celebrate your family’s connection to the sacramental life of the Church.   The more you do, the more you can enjoy the good fruits that, nurtured by sacramental grace,
will grow on  your  family tree.

For more information on how to help your kids get more from their faith and celebrate a grace-filled home life, check out  Parenting with Grace: The  Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.