4 Tips To Make Parenting Easier

Posted on March 28, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

Parenting is tough work. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were some ways to make your parenting life easier?

The Theology of the Body teaches that families are schools of love and virtue and that parents are the primary teachers of their children. Well, great teachers need state-of-the-art techniques and since parents are teaching the most important lessons of all—as Evangelium Vitae puts it, how to experience “all the values that enable us to live life as a gift”—we need the best techniques available.

There are many different techniques parents can choose from; verbal correction, time-outs, star charts, consequences and even—though I don’t recommend it myself—corporal punishment. But how do you know what will actually work? Here are four tips that can help you evaluate the power of your parenting techniques and help make your parenting life that much easier.

4 Things the Most Effective Parenting Techniques Share:

1. Technique can’t substitute for relationship. It is a truism in family psychology that “rules without rapport leads to rebellion.” Parenting techniques don’t work well in the absence of a good relationship with your kids. For instance; the effectiveness of the popular Time-Out technique is, at least in part, predicated on the idea that your kid doesn’t want to be away from you. If your relationship has deteriorated to the point that your child would rather be away from you than with you, Time-Out is a reward for bad behavior. In fact, paradoxically, the more you use it, the worse your kid’s behavior will get.

If you find that your traditional, go-to techniques aren’t working—or aren’t working as well—it might be time to back off the techniques and focus on filling up the relationship bank account with your child. Take some one-on-one time with your child that isn’t focused on correcting or lecturing. Go out to breakfast. Do a project your child needs your help with. Play a game your child is good at (maybe even better than you). You will find that when your relationship is in a better place, virtually any technique you use will be more effective.

2. Effective Techniques are Immediately Employable. In order to be effective, a technique has to be something you can do right now. If you can’t employ it immediately, it isn’t a technique, it’s a threat. Threats are very poor motivators. Saying to a child, “I’m going to take X away” (a threat) isn’t as effective as simply taking the thing away right then. For example; if you are talking to your child and he is ignoring you, don’t say, “I’m going to turn off the TV if you don’t start listening.” Save your breath. Just walk over and turn off the TV. Now you have his attention. You can decide whether to turn it back on or not when you’re done talking. The point is, a consequence that doesn’t happen right now is no consequence at all. Don’t waste time with threats. Instead, focus on techniques you can use immediately.

3. Effective Techniques are both Easily and Consistently Enforceable. There are lots of parenting techniques that are great ideas on paper but tend to fall apart in application. For example; star charts or “token economies” (where you give a child points or chips that they earn for good behavior and save up to use for certain prizes or privileges) are great ideas in theory, but they can be very hard to keep up with especially if you are trying to use them with multiple issues with multiple children. Techniques like these tend to work best if you use them with one child for one issue for a limited period of time. The best techniques are those that are easy to keep track of and consistently enforceable. Don’t waste time with techniques that require too much effort to maintain.

4. Effective Techniques Point to the Positive Opposite. Effective techniques don’t simply focus on stopping bad behavior they also teach the “positive opposite” (i.e., the desirable behavior that the parent wants to replace the negative behavior). Too many times, parents imagine that if they do a good enough job stopping the bad behavior, then good behavior will spontaneously erupt in its place. People tend not to work that way. If a kid is misbehaving it is either because he doesn’t know what to do instead, OR he doesn’t know how to do what he knows is right in this particular context or when he is overwhelmed by these particular feelings. To be effective, parents need to teach children what to do instead or how to succeed at doing the alternative behavior in this context.

What about Corporal Punishment?

This is where punishments like yelling or corporal punishment fail. They do stop bad behavior, but they don’t do anything to teach new skills. Some children will, eventually, figure out what to do on their own but many other children will just stop trying. This latter group of kids are the ones who ultimately become completely immune to consequences or punishment. A parent once said to me, “I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve taken away everything except air.” If you have a kid like this, chances are your approach to discipline has been much more heavily focused on stopping the bad without necessarily teaching what to do instead. Telling a kid what to do isn’t enough. For instance, as a child, I struggled in math class. I had plenty of teachers who told me what to do, but until I had someone walk through it with me, step-by-step, over and over, and taught me how to use the formula in lots of different contexts (even though it was the same formula) I just couldn’t get it. The same thing is true of some kids and behavior. Using techniques that don’t just stop bad behavior but also teach how to do the “positive opposite” step-by-step in many different contexts (even if its the same “formula”) is the best way to make sure that you aren’t wasting your parenting energy.

If you’re interested in learning over 20 different techniques that allow you to raise the behavioral bar while simultaneously making your parenting life easier, pick up a copy of Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids.

Will Your Kids Stay Catholic?

Posted on March 28, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

Most parents hope that their adult children will remain in the faith in which they were raised. Lisa and I often hear, both on the radio and in our counseling practice, from parents who are profoundly upset that their adult children have left the Church.

Obviously, parents can never guarantee that children will follow in their footsteps with regard to their beliefs but there are things that can be done to stack the deck. When it comes to raising kids to stay Catholic, the research is pretty clear. Being religious yourself and having a religious home isn’t enough. Religious education is important, but the strength of the attachment between the parents and children appears to be the factor that decides whether your children stay faithful or not. That said, there are some interesting details in how the relationship between religious education and relationship plays out.

Religiousness and Relationship: Two Theories

There are two theories of how a child’s relationship with his parents affects religious belief. The “compensation hypothesis” asserts that insecurely attached children are more likely to be religious as adults because they are seeking to compensate for their lack of connection with a parent by connecting with a heavenly parental substitute.

The “correspondence hypothesis” states that the likelihood of a parent passing on their values to their children is dependent upon the strength of the relationship between the parents and the children. Logic here is that children who have a healthy relationship with their parents are less likely to challenge or reject the values they were raised with.

So which is true? Both are. Here’s how things tend to break down according to the research.

The Results: Religious, Not Religious, and “Spiritual but not Religious”

If a child is securely attached to non-religious parents there is a greater likelihood that child will not be religious as an adult.

If a child is insecurely attached to religious parents there is a greater likelihood that child will not be religious as an adult (there is also a fair number in this group who fall into the “spiritual but not religious category. Mostly because their attachment issues make them suspicious of what researchers call, “social religion” [i.e., organized religion]).

BUT…

If child is insecurely attached to non-religious parents there is a greater likelihood that child will grow up to be “spiritual but not religious.” (for the same reasons as above.)

Finally, children who are securely attached to highly religious parents are the most religiously attached of all groups as adults.

The Bottom Line

Now, granted, there are going to be individual variations on the above themes. Not everybody fits into neat categories. That said, the evidence is pretty clear that the best way to increase the likelihood that a child will retain the faith of his youth as an adult (even if that is “no faith”) is to both practice the faith intentionally in your home and make certain that you have a strong attachment with that child.

A Consideration for Evangelization:

One interesting question for me that comes out of the research is how to evangelize those who are “spiritual but not religious.” If the data is correct that many “spiritual but not religious people” really can’t be reached simply by hearing the message of the Gospel. They need to experience a relationship that heals the attachment wound first. All the best arguments in the world can’t substitute for an authentic relationship that leads another person to Christ.

The same is true, really, for religious adults who are in a frustrated relationship with irreligious adult children. If your kids aren’t impressed with the power of your arguments, the answer isn’t seeking better arguments. The answer has to be healing the damage in your relationship.

Read the research here.

OF COURSE…If you are a parent and less interested in the academic side of things and more interested in how to stack the deck in favor of YOUR kids being faithful Catholics as adults, please be sure to check out Parenting with Grace for tips on building a family around the principles of the Theology of the Body and Beyond the Birds and the Bees, a book not just about talking to your kids about sex, but rather about forming your kids’ moral conscience from birth to young adulthood.

Am I Crazy!?

Posted on March 27, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

Believe it or not, a mental health professional can make it through his or her bachelor’s, master’s, and doctoral programs without having a single, significant discussion on what the term ”mental health” actually means (or the term ”mind” for that matter).

We tend to be trained to think that mental health is “not” something. In other words, one becomes mentally healthy when they are “not depressed” or “not anxious” anymore. At best, we receive a very functional definition of mental health. That is, a person can be considered mentally healthy if they are able to function well at work and in relationships. That’s a decent working definition, but it leaves a lot of territory unexplored.

Mental Health: New Insights:

Within the last few years, thanks to the development of functional imaging (fPET, fMRI) and the brain research that these technologies make possible, mental health professionals have a clearer sense than ever of what “mental health” actually consists of. Additionally, research is beginning to show what processes contribute to mental health. We can now watch the brain at work and see the environmental conditions that enable the brain to function at its best. We’ll look at that in a minute. First, let’s examine the 9 factors that research shows constitutes good mental health. (Note: This article is largely based on the excellent book by Daniel J. Siegel. Pocket Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology: An Integrative Handbook of the Mind (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology.” W. W. Norton, 2012. I highly recommend this work for additional information on this subject)

Mental Health: The 9 Factors

When the human brain is working at its best, it is capable of doing 9 things that contribute to what we might commonly consider, “good mental health.” They are:

1. Body Regulation–the ability to keep the organs of the body and the autonomic nervous system (e.g, heart rate, respiration, body temperature) coordinated and balanced. Body regulation isn’t just about physical health. Emotions begin as an embodied experience. For example; a racing heart and shallow respiration often precipitate feelings of panic/anxiety. Feelings of exhaustion or under-stimulation often precipitate depression.

2. Attuned Communication–the ability to pick up on the meaning of subtle, non-verbal, physical cues (facial expressions, tones of voice, posture) that indicate another person’s emotional states and degree of well-being. People with Autism spectrum disorders especially have a difficult time with this.

3. Emotional Balance–the ability to maintain optimal emotional functioning. That is, I know how to be emotionally stimulated enough to be aware and engaged in my circumstances and relationships but not so emotionally stimulated that I am regularly flooded by my feelings and carried away by them.

4. Response Flexibility–the ability to pause before acting on my impulses and willfully change the direction of my actions if doing so suits me better than my initial impulses. People with ADHD, pathological anger, addictions, and other impulse control problems struggle with this skill.

5. Fear Modulation–reducing fear. Self-explanatory. People with anxiety and panic disorders, especially, have a difficult time modulating the brain’s fear responses. They become easily flooded with anxiety where others might just experience nervousness or even excitement.

6. Insight–the ability to reflect on my life experiences in a way that links my past, present, and future in a coherent, cohesive, compassionate manner. Insight helps me make sense of both the things that have happened to me in the past and the things that are happening to me now.

7. Empathy–Essentially, empathy is the ability to have insight (as defined above) into other people. Empathy is the ability to imagine what it is like to be another person, and to reflect on their experiences in a way that links their past, present, and future in coherent, cohesive, compassionate manner. Empathy helps you make sense of other people’s lives, the way they think, and their feelings.

8. Morality–the ability to imagine, reason, and behave from the perspective of the greater good. Includes the ability to delay gratification and find ways to get my needs met while understanding and accommodating the needs of others.

9. Intuition–having access to the input from the body and its non-rational ways of knowing that fuel wisdom. One’s “gut sense” of things is actually based on a complex process by which one’s right brain makes “quick and dirty” global assessments of one’s feelings and circumstances.

We have seen from decades of research that the human brain, when it is experiencing optimal functioning, is able to do all of these things. The degree to which you can say you are “mentally healthy” is the degree to which you can say these things are true about you. The exciting thing about this definition of mental health is that a person does not have to wait until their life, work, or relationships are suffering before they get help. A person could reasonably look at this list and say, “I want to do a better job with this mental skill” enabling them to seek professional help long before their marriage, work, or life begins to fall apart because of those deficits.

Ok, So, How Do I Get These Things?

There are really two versions of this question. The first is, “How does a person come by these qualities in the first place?” The second question is, “If I don’t have one or more of these qualities, how do I get them?” Let’s look at each question in turn.

How does a person come by the 9 components of mental health in the first place?

Researchers such as Daniel Seigel (UCLA), Allan Schore (UCLA), Marco Iacoboni (UCLA), Louis Cozolino (Pepperdine), Stephen Porges (U of Illinois) and others point to decades of research showing that it is actually healthy attachment bonds between parent and child that enable the brain to develop at least 8 of the 9 components of mental health to their fullest potential (n.b., the 9th quality, intuition, has not been adequately studied to determine its origins).

If it seems odd that a parenting style could have so much impact on brain development and mental health, it shouldn’t. Fully 90% of our brain develops after birth. Although the brain research to support this assumption is fairly new, psychology has always looked at the impact of parenting and the structure of one’s family of origin as the cradle of mental health or mental disorder. In the last 20 years, however, it is become possible to see that this assertion isn’t just a social, psychological, or characterological phenomenon. It is also, even primarily, physiological. Both psychology and Catholic theology (especially the Theology of the Body) assert that the person is essentially and inherently a social/relational being. As Genesis 2:18 says, “it is not good that man should be alone.” We just never appreciated how deeply true this assertion was. Two decades of brain research show us that, in fact, it is our relationships that provide the soil in which our brains grow. Brain science now teaches that healthy, attached, parent-child relationships yield the healthiest, best integrated brain function and mental health outcomes. The very parenting practices that lead to healthy attachment have been shown—by studies that are completely independent of one another—to be the parenting practices that brain researchers have identified as leading to the greatest degree healthy brain development.

What Does Brain-Wise Parenting Look Like?

Specifically, these parenting practices include:

~consistent, sensitive, & prompt parental response to the child’s cues and needs.

~extravagant levels of affection.

~gentle discipline approaches that focus more on teaching good behavior than punishing bad.

These parenting practices release chemicals in the child’s brain that promote nerve growth (allowing new connections to form), the inter-regional connectivity of the brain (allowing different parts of the brain to communicate more efficiently), and myelin formation (myelin is the insulation around the nerve cell. A well-myelinated nerve carries information 3000 times faster than a poorly myelinated nerve).

What Parenting Practices Inhibit Brain Development?

Likewise, research has shown that each of the opposite parenting practices (i.e, inconsistent, less-sensitive and prompt parental response to cues; lesser levels of affection; harsh discipline techniques that punish rather than teach) stress the brain and cause it to go into “lock down.” This leads to poorer nerve growth, poorer inter-regional connectivity, and poorer levels of myelination. The authors I cited previously, and others like them, universally assert that the parenting practices promoted by attachment theorists for being the best practices for healthy parent-child attachment are the same practices that enable the brain to develop the skills (above) that are necessary for optimal brain functioning and, by extension, good mental health.

But Isn’t It Just Genetic?

Many people believe that mental and emotional problems are genetic. This is not strictly accurate. We now know that the parenting environment (and indeed, the overall environment as well) in which a child grows up releases different chemicals in the brain that lead to certain genetic expressions. This is called “epigenetics” (i.e., the study of how our environment impacts the development of genetic traits). Different parenting environments literally release different chemical responses in the child’s brain leading to different genes being expressed and different traits being developed. We no longer can meaningfully talk about nature vs. nurture. The discussion has evolved from this to be more about how the dialog between nature and nurture ultimately results in certain traits and behaviors being expressed.

So, if I don’t have one or more of these qualities, how do I get them?

The techniques a therapist uses in counseling—including the therapeutic relationship itself—have been shown by neuroimaging studies to actually heal physical damage to the social brain and promote healthy brain functioning. For instance, cognitive-behavioral techniques help the brain develop healthy top-down/left-right integration so that I can both understand and control my emotions more effectively. Mindfulness-based approaches to therapy—which promote a person’s ability to observe themselves from a healthy, third person perspective—have been shown to enhance insight, emotional regulation, and whole-brain functioning. Relationship-based therapies and spiritually-based therapies have been shown to promote empathy, moral functioning, and attuned communication especially. The therapeutic relationship itself—rooted as it is in radical acceptance, affirmation and gentle correction—is a milieu that promotes healing of wounded attachment bonds.

Thanks to the development of empirically-based interventions (i.e., techniques rooted in research rather than philosophy), well-trained therapists have a clearer sense of what therapeutic techniques promote each of the nine components of mental health. As research develops, mental health professionals will be able to make even clearer connections between the specific techniques in their toolbox and the specific mental skills a client needs to heal psychological wounds and promote optimal mental health.

What’s in Your Toolbox? An Assessment:

Take another look at the list of the 9 components that make up good mental health. What are your strengths? What are the areas that you could do better in? Having a good sense of your strengths and weaknesses in reference to the 9 components of mental health can empower you to avoid more serious problems before they occur and give you important insights into why you struggle in the areas you do.

If you would like assistance in developing the skills that define good mental health or would like help in overcoming the challenges in your life, emotions, or relationships that prevent you from being your best, contact your PaxCare Tele-coach.

The good news is that with new information and new developments in psychotherapy practice, you can learn the skills you need to cooperate with God’s grace to become the best version of yourself and live a more abundant psychological, emotional, and relational life

What Can the Theology of the Body Teach Us about Managing Stress?

Posted on March 27, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

“I’m so busy!” “There isn’t enough time!” Seemingly universal laments. Life is filled with opportunities to be stressed and to become even more stressed all the time.

In short bursts (of a few minutes or so) stress can be useful. Stress, when it functions according to its purpose, calls our mind and body to be attentive and responsive to the challenges in front of us. Ideally, stress ramps us up so that we can make a plan to handle those situations and then the stress should go away. We are not meant to live in a perpetual state of stress (which might come as a surprise to most people). Once stress motivates us to make a plan, it should decrease.

All Stressed Up and Nowhere to Go…

The problem is that, in the face of stress, we often don’t actually stop to make a plan. We become hyper-focused on the stressful event and live in a state of reaction rather than receptivity. Looking at stress through the lens of the Theology of the Body, we see that stress stops us from being receptive to God and to others. The Theology of the Body reminds us that a healthy life (i.e., a life dedicated to seeking connection with God and others and open to his unfolding plan) is a receptive life; that is, a life in which we are open to the movement of the Holy Spirit in the moment and responsive to both the needs of others and the love they have to share with us.

This is Your Brain on Stress…

Brain research shows that, under prolonged stress, the mind becomes rigid, closed, rejecting, and task/thing-focused. When I allow myself to remain in a state of prolonged stress, I become stuck in old patterns and closed to new possibilities. I reject help and new ideas as useless before I have really taken the time to consider them. Further, I focus all my energy either on simply pushing through the problem or looking for things that will make me feel better in the short term without considering the bigger picture. This stressed-out posture is the antithesis of a receptive mind and spirit which—again, according to brain research—is always curious, open, accepting, and loving (COAL). Curiosity allows us to seek new solutions, to be open to asking the questions that enable us to hear the Holy Spirit speaking to us in the moment. Openness allows us to consider possibilities we hadn’t entertained before. Acceptance refers to the willingness to suspend our judgment of new options and possibilities before we have gathered all the information we need to chart a healthy course of action. Loving refers to our willingness to put the well-being of people (ourselves included) before the accomplishment of tasks or the acquisition of things.

Stress: The Antidote

Again, from both the perspective of the Theology of the Body and brain science, the antidote to stress is connection. The Theology of the Body reminds us of Genesis’ assertion that, “it is not good for man to be alone.” Brain science bears this out. When the mind becomes dis-regulated by stress (i.e., our emotions override our intellect instead of the intellect and emotions working in partnership) the quality of our connection to God and others tends to determine the degree of resilience (“bounce-back-ability”) we will display. Taking time to maintain a strong connection with God and the people we love and who love us even when we’re under stress helps the mind see our problems through others eyes, reminds us that help is readily available, and calls our attention to the most important things. Likewise, intimate connection with God and others fills our body with “calm-down chemicals” like oxytocin that help us to be at peace in the presence of stress.

Taking “Time In”

So-called, “time-in” practices, such as meditative prayer (e.g., rosary, adoration, etc.), rituals of connection (e.g., regularly scheduled and anticipated times to play, talk, work, and play with loved ones), self-care (e.g., good nutrition and physical activity), and leisure (e.g., hobbies and creative endeavors) have all been shown by brain research to help a person develop a more receptive mindset in the presence of stressful events. These practices highlight the power of the Theology of the Body’s insights that we were both created and destined for intimate connection with God and others and that the more we pursue these connections, the more we “become what we are.” That is, persons who function best when we are both working to create communities of love and pursuing intimate connection with the God who created us, sustains us, and leads us on the path to wholeness.

For more strategies for dealing gracefully with the stress in your life, check out God Help Me, This Stress is Driving Me Crazy! Finding Balance Through God’s Grace. No time for reading? Get help now! Contact your PaxCare Tele-coach to get the skills you need to suceed.

What Is the Purpose of Marriage?

Posted on March 27, 2014 by gpopcak

By: PaxCare staff

There are few debates more passionately fought from either side than that of the marriage issue. It is important for us as Catholics to understand what the Church teaches on this subject and why. We may be surprised to find out which people involved in the marriage debate are affected most by the outcome.

The point of marriage is to create a social institution that protects a children’s rights to know and be provided for by their natural mother and father. Children born in any other arrangement (cohabitation, surrogacy, donor-conception) do not have any right to find their natural parents (especially if their natural parent’s don’t wish to be found) much less be provided for by them. That leads to two problems.

First, saying that gay marriage is “equal” to marriage is the same as saying that children raised in households with only one parent or any two parents is, in fact, “equal” to the experience of children raised by a mother and a father and that it is wrong to even suggest that children raised by their natural mother and father have any advantage over children raised in any other context. Children raised by single parents, or grandparents, or divorced parents or adoptive parents can grow up to be “just fine”, but we recognize that they have had to struggle at least a bit more than their counterparts raised in homes with their natural mother and father because they are missing something; because those home arrangements are not equal to those homes in which a child is being raised by his natural mother and father.

Saying that gay marriage is “equal” to traditional marriage means that a same-sex couple can provide everything that a mother and a father can provide, and that as long as a child has at least two caregivers of one sort or another, that child has no right to feel sad the absence of a natural mother or a father. Currently, there is no other context in which we think it is appropriate to tell a child that he shouldn’t feel sad about not having a connection to his natural mother and father. Gay marriage would change that. To say, “you must not feel anything about the absence of the parent we could not provide you with because, after all, we are equal” would be a serious injustice against a child and do violence to the child’s emotional and psychological well-being.

Second, to say that a same-sex couple’s relationship is the same as (literally “equal to”) a marriage between a man and a woman is to say that both couples must have the same rights to try to have children. Of course, that means that more and more same-sex couples would feel obliged to turn to artificial reproduction so that they could be truly “equal” to straight families. There is just no way to support gay “marriage” without also supporting the massive expansion of IVF, donor conception, surrogacy and other forms of immoral, assisted reproduction technologies which, in turn, leads to countless more children who would be denied the right to know or be provided for by their natural parents.

Male and Female He Created Themâ€“Re-examining Gender and the Catholic Difference.

Posted on March 27, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

What Does the Church Teach about Men and Women?

I have to say that while I am aware that many people share her opinion of the Church’s vision of men and women, and while I have met many pious Catholics who I think, personally, have rather retrograde views of masculinity and femininity, I don’t think they got them from an honest reading of the Church’s thinking on the topic. In fact, my reading of the Church’s teaching on gender strikes me as rather novel and counter-cultural (and when I say that, I don’t just mean counter-secular feminist culture, but also counter-conservative stereotypical culture).

Male and Female He Created THEM.

My understanding of the Church’s view of masculinity and femininity is that maleness and femaleness is not, as many conservative Catholics mistakenly think, determined by the preferences you have, the work you do, the things you like or the toys you played with as a kid. The Theology of the Body (hereafter called TOB) makes the point that Genesis 1:27 says, “Male and female he created them.” TOB asserts that this passage does not mean that God created males and females. Rather, it means that men and women have both masculine and feminine dimensions to their personalities. Culturally, we may say certain traits (such as nurturance, gentleness, or sociability) are more ”feminine” traits, and that other traits (such as assertiveness, ambition, or competitiveness) are more “masculine” traits, but from a TOB point of view, it would not be reasonable to then say that a woman who was assertive or ambitious was somehow less womanly or a man who was nurturing or gentle was somehow less manly.

The Body Makes Visible That Which is Invisible…

The TOB argues that what differentiates men from women is not traits, preferences, work, or habits, but their bodies and how those bodies allow them to express—in complementary ways—the virtues and qualities that evidence their shared humanity. The short version is that being made in the image and likeness of God means that God takes all the virtues (i.e., all the qualities that make men and women human) from his own heart and shares them equally with men and women. BUT he creates men and women’s bodies to be different and complementary to each other so that when they live out those human virtues through the bodies God gave them, they can emphasize different and complementary aspects of those virtues and, by doing so, present a more complete image of that virtue that reflects God’s face to the world.

So What?

Practically speaking, this means two things.

First, it means that men and women can both fully demonstrate all the qualities that make us human. BUT because of the body (and mind, which is part of the body) God gave us, men and women will display complementary variations on those qualities. For instance both men and women are called to be fully nurturing as a part of their human nature but he has created men’s and women’s bodies differently. A woman, for example, is able to nurse her children and thus express nurturance in a particularly profound and intimately embodied fashion. A man can’t lactate, but he is also required to be fully nurturing if he is to be fully human. He also expresses his nurturance through his body. For instance, because of greater upper-body strength, a man can more easily toss his kids in the air (and sometimes, even catch them!). Likewise, even men who shave have more facial hair than the hairiest woman. My little one loves to sit on my shoulders and rub my fuzzy face. She loves when I put my scratchy, tickly chin under her chin and go “phhhhhhhhhhfffffffffffffftttttttt!”

My wife and I must both be fully nurturing to our children, but we express that nurturance differently through the bodies that God gave us. Our respective efforts to be nurturing feels different to our kids. The masculine and feminine versions of nurturance are both sufficient on their own, but together, they are a more complete presentation of the virtue of nurturance itself. When a man and woman are both fully nurturing in their unique and complementary way, they do a better job of making visible the nurturance in God’s own heart.

The same applies to any other quality or virtue. Catholics have never believed that there is only one way to be a man or a woman, which is why we have saints like St. Joan and St Francis as well as St Therese of Lisieux and St Ignatius.

The second example of the practical significance of all this is that although both men and women are capable of being fully human and living out the fullness of all the virtues that make them human, men and women’s versions of those respective virtues/qualities are appreciably different and complementary. A man who is fully nurturing will always nurture differently than a woman would. Likewise, the most ambitious, assertive woman will still be ambitious and assertive in a way that is, somehow, more feminine than the way a man is ambitious or assertive. That doesn’t mean that one is inferior to other. They are both perfectly complete, acceptable, efficient, healthy modes of being. BUT they are substantively different from and complementary to one another. Even if a man tries to be effeminate, he only ends up coming off as a caricature of femininity and the same for the woman who tries to be masculine. Men and women can be fully human and live out the complementarity of the virtues that comprise their shared humanity, but they cannot ever be the same even when they try.

The Feminine Genius.

Which brings us to what JPII meant when he wrote about the “feminine genius.” I have never read the Church’s writings on this subject and found them to be patronizing. To my way of thinking, the point of saying that there is a feminine genius is not to say, ”Oh, don’t worry your pretty little heads, ladies, of course you’re special too!” Rather, it is to say that in contrast to secular feminism which tells the world that only the masculine versions of the various virtues count, that the feminine complement to these same virtues presents a full, dynamic, vigorous, and valuable contribution to the human experience and that women, as well as men, serve their humanity best, not by trying to imitate the other, but by exploring the fullness of their own humanity which is beautifully, powerfully, and more than adequately expressed by the humanity represented in their own gender.

I’m really not sure what is so retrograde about that. In fact, this view of gender sounds like nothing else I’ve read on the subject. The Catholic vision of masculinity and femininity, to my way of thinking, goes beyond the too easy stereotypes of the conservative/historical patriarchal view of gender and stands in opposition to the reaction-formation that is the secular feminist view. It is a fresh, exciting, and freeing view of the person that presents a mode of being that allows man and woman to both be fully human and completely unique.

For more information on living out this vision of the sexes in your marriage, check out For Better…FOREVER! or to pass this vision of masculinity and femininity on to your children, pick up a copy of Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Children

â€œI Donâ€™t Believe in God Anymoreâ€â€“When Your Kids Reject the Faith

Posted on March 27, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

I’ve been hearing from a lot of parents whose teens are rejecting their faith. The stories are all terrifically painful but they tend to represent different variations on the following theme.

The other day my son/daughter was refusing to go to Church. S/he told me that s/he doesn’t believe ‘all that stuff’ anymore. We had a huge fight about it. I don’t understand. I never had any problems before. When s/he was little, s/he loved to go to Church. S/he was an altar server (lector, choir member)! Why is s/he being so stubborn all of a sudden?

When teens fight you about Church, it usually has little to do with their actual beliefs about God or church. Usually, a teen’s apparent rejection of his or her faith has to do with one of two things; a personal encounter with suffering he or she can’t make sense of or the breakdown of their relationship with you.

Teens and the Problem of Pain:

One of the most common reasons teens become resistant to the faith is because of a personal encounter with suffering that they can’t make sense of.

“I have a friend who says he’s gay. The Church says homosexuality is a sin. I don’t believe all that stuff anymore.”

“My friend died of leukemia. If there was a God, he would have saved him.”

“My parents are getting divorced. They always went to Church. They’re such hypocrites.”

Generally speaking, teens who are struggling with their faith for this reason tend to couch it in more philosophical terms. “There’s so much suffering in the world. How could God let all (those people) in (that far off place) suffer like that. I can’t believe in a God who would allow all that.”

Even though their teens’ statements tend to be phrased as philosophical dilemmas, parents should resist the temptation to address the problem as a mere intellectual struggle. For all their intellectual pretensions, teens—even teens in middle to late adolescence—tend to be more emotional thinkers than abstract thinkers. Adolescents are in the early stages ”formal operations” (i.e., philosophical, abstract thinking). They are certainly capable of asking hard questions and thinking deep thoughts, but they aren’t all that good at thinking all the way through them. An adolescent’s attempts at deep thinking tend to result in more brooding than brilliance.

Parents of kids who are struggling with their faith for these reasons would do well to remember that their children’s attempt to make this an abstract issue is a red herring. There is always, always, always some personal experience of suffering or pain that is making the teen question the existence or relevance of a loving God. The best response to this is to build you relationship with your teen, help him or her identify the specific, painful experience underlying the intellectual pretense of disbelief and—sensitively—work through that pain. Sometimes this might require professional assistance. The good news is that, in most cases, if the suffering teen encounters a loving, sensitive, effective parental response to their pain, their faith will come back online.

Loss of Faith as Loss of Rapport

The other most common reason that teens lose their faith is that they are angry with their parents and are looking for a way to hit back. In my experience, this accounts for about 85% of teens who adopt an anti-God/anti-church posture (with the other 10% being a personal encounter with suffering and 5% being other factors).

In this scenario, teens often feel that God and faith are the reason their parents are overly strict or controlling. They’re angry at their parents rules and, for whatever reason, they believe that those rules are a direct result of their parents religious devotion. That said, the teen isn’t so much angry about the rules per se, as they are about the needs/wants they feel those rules jeopardize. In other words, the teen feels he has certain needs that his parents don’t respect, and won’t listen to; needs that his parent’s rules forbid him from wanting much less getting. As a result, he experiences his parents, his parents’ rules and, by extension, his parent’s faith, as obstacles to his growth, independence, and well-being. This teen comes to believe that the only way he can be his own person is to reject—and even rage against—his parents faith—the source of the rules that are threatening his ability to grow up and be an independent person.

Again, in this case, the teen’s rejection of the faith isn’t really about the faith. It’s a symptom of a deeper and very serious relationship problem between the parent and child or, perhaps, within the family itself.

Healing the Wound: Two Steps

Two things need to happen to heal this wound.

First, parents need to invest in the relationship. They need to make a commitment to regular one on one time with the teen—especially if the teen resists it. They need to make this one-on-one time as pleasant as possible: No lectures. No lessons. Better yet, do something that the teen is good at that you’re not. Let them teach yousomething for a change. Focus on being compassionate. Sincerely convey that you are more interested in them than your agenda.

Likewise, parents need to make family life more enjoyable and more intimate and they need to reduce the conflict between them and their son or daughter by whatever reasonable means they can. They also need to do a much better job picking their battles. Scale back rules to cover the most important issues (e.g., basic respect, safety and order) and intentionally let almost everything else go—for now. You can go back to working on the other, less serious but still important ,behavioral and attitudinal issues once rapport has been re-established.

Second, parents need to look hard at how they might be able to help their teen meet the needs that have been inadvertently frustrated by the parent’s rules. Increasing the rapport with the teen by spending more one-on-one time together, making family life more intimate and enjoyable, and picking battles will allow the teen to open up about what they need and why. This will give the parent the opportunity to help the teen find godly and effective ways to meet their needs instead of just saying “no” all the time. The more the teen feels the parent is invested in meeting their needs instead of frustrating those needs, the more willing the teen will be to see the parent as a mentor. The restoration of the parent’s mentor status is what allows the teen to be receptive to the parent’s attempts to form the teens faith, values, and worldview.

The more effective you become at proposing satisfactory, godly, alternative ways to meet your teens needs instead of just shutting them down, the more you should see your teen be more receptive to God and the Church.

The Bottom Line

Just remember, if your teen is fussing about going to church, being faithful to your values, or believing in God, don’t assume it’s “just a phase.” Address the problem behind the anti-religious posturing and you will see your teen’s faith flourish once again.

If you need additional help to work through these issues, please check out Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising (almost) Perfect Kids or, for more individualized assistance, contact your PaxCare Tele-coach. Together, we can help your teen become everything God created him or her to be.

Natural Family Planning and the Dignity of Women

Posted on March 27, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

The dignity of women is under assault like never before. Thanks to the internet, pornography is more accessible than ever. Young women, especially, are buying wholesale into the porn culture. It’s become so pervasive that, surprisingly, many secular publications have recently been complaining about the negative effect pornography has had on relationships from a man’s perspective. Men are beginning to report feeling put-off, intimidated, or even turned off by the behavior of women who have been “socialized” by porn. One recent article in the London Telegraph decried the “striptease culture” we are living in and advocated measures that could encourage young women to discover their dignity. According to a recent Reuters report, 30% of young adults have sent nude pictures of themselves to a boyfriend or girlfriend. In fact, some studies show that among those who engage in sexting, women are almost as likely to ask for a nude picture of their boyfriend as they are to send a nude picture of themselves.

NFP: Challenging the Culture of Use

In light of all this, is there any better way to engage the culture than to promote Natural Family Planning? At the beginning of the sexual revolution, women were told that the key to overcoming male oppression and gaining power in relationships was to “embrace their sexuality.” The problem is that this phrase is deceptive. The secular vision of embracing one’s sexuality is allowing oneself to be viewed and used as an object and the more one does this, the less power one really has. The more one embraces this attitude, the more used, lonely, and powerless one is likely to feel.

But NFP promotes a vision of sexuality that is worthy of embracing; a vision where the body is a gift; a vision that believes men and women are first and foremost sons and daughters of God; a vision that understands that sex is not merely recreation, but a re-creation of the promises a couple makes on their wedding day to spend their lifetime together creating and celebrating a love that is free, total, faithful and fruitful.

As with most things worth doing, NFP isn’t easy. It requires sacrifice and struggle. It can be helpful, though, to remember what we are sacrificing and struggling for. I would never want my wife to think that she was anything less than my partner, my best friend and my equal. In my mind, those things are worth fighting for. If NFP is a struggle, it is only because I must sometimes struggle against those fallen aspects of myself that want to make me treat her as something less than my partner, my best friend, my equal. The challenge of NFP is a challenge worth taking up because it asks me to consider whether or not I am truly approaching my wife in love.

Reclaiming Dignity

Likewise, for the woman, the challenge of NFP asks her to embrace her dignity. Charting her signs helps her get in touch with how wonderfully she is made (Ps 139:14). It helps redeem the dignity of her body in her mind. It helps her assert her dignity to herself and to her husband by giving her the vocabulary she needs to articulate her physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual needs to her husband in a way that is virtually impossible without NFP. It gives her a way of embracing her sexuality in a manner that doesn’t objectify her, but rather, sets her free to be loved as a person.

The most famous line from the Theology of the Body is that

“the body, and it alone, is capable of making visible what is invisible, the spiritual and divine. It was created to transfer into the visible reality of the world, the invisible mystery hidden in God from time immemorial, and thus to be a sign of it.”

NFP promotes the dignity of women by empowering them to know and respect their body and see that body as a sign of who they are—persons deserving of love.

But Arenâ€™t All Kids Different?

Posted on March 27, 2014 by gpopcak

By: PaxCare Staff

One of the challenges of being a “parenting expert” is that you often find yourself arguing that one type of parenting is superior to others despite the fact that all children are, in fact, different and need different things. How is it possible to do this? Isn’t it over-reaching at best or hypocritical at worst to argue that one style of parenting is better than others while at the same time acknowledging that all families and children are different and need different things? Well, it kind of all depends on what you mean by “different.” For instance, it is true that everyone has a different personality, but it is also true that, as different as we are, we all share a common humanity. What we share ought to make it possible to say, that certain things enable every person to function at his or her best, regardless of our very real and important differences.

Kids are like Ice Cream…?

Let’s take the focus off people and talk about one of the other best things life has to offer; ice cream. Now, ice cream comes in lots of different flavors, and those flavors are really important, but there are certain ingredients that make some brands of ice cream superior to others regardless of the flavor those competing companies produce.

In the same way, thanks to developments like interpersonal neurobiology (the science of how relationships actually affect the way our brains develop and function), which, since it is dependent upon neuroimaging, is more science than philosophy, it’s possible to say with some confidence that certain ways of raising children tend to allow those children to reach their fullest neuropsychological potential even while allowing for wide differences between personalities. For instance, we’re able to see that being a loving, intimate, empathic, interdependently social person is what is actually normal for the well-functioning human brain—just, incidentally, like the Theology of the Body says it is supposed to be. Both Interpersonal Neurobiology and the Theology of the Body assert that every human being ought to be able to experience those qualities to the full because they are both essential and foundational to our humanity. Personality then builds upon those traits in a secondary but still tremendously important way so that while each of us can be fully human, we can all still be “unique and unrepeatable” (to use a TOB term).

An Instance where One Size does Fit All

The point is, when we say that self-donative parenting approaches (aka Attachment Parenting) are superior to other forms of parenting, we mean no disrespect to the very obvious and real differences of each child that every family has to contend with. What we do mean is that that this style of parenting is actually being shown—by neuroimaging studies—to best facilitate the formation of the brain structures responsible for the fulfillment of every child’s basic humanity. Personality will develop on top of that. Of course, parents need to be sensitive to the differences each child’s personality brings but attachment parenting strategies are more likely to give you the healthiest neurological/basic human foundation that allows you to raise a healthy, well-adjusted, well-formed, child regardless of that child’s particular personality traits. Every child is different but regardless of those differences every child has a basic humanity that needs to be formed and nurtured. We believe that the research from both theology and science show that attachment parenting practices are the best tools available to help parents do that job.

To get more information on attachment parenting and how it can help raise (almost) perfect kids using the principles of Theology of the Body, check out Parenting with Grace.

What Does a â€œTrueâ€ Sex Education Look Like?

Posted on March 26, 2014 by gpopcak

By: Dr. Gregory Popcak

Sex Ed: What Does the Church Say?

First, I would encourage every parent to read the Pontifical Council for the Family’s document, The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality. I think any reflection on this subject that doesn’t take the Council’s recommendations into account would be seriously lacking. It is very accessible. It contains a lot of practical wisdom on what the Church actually expects of parents when it comes to the sexual and characterological formation of our children. That text forms the framework of a lot of what my wife and I included in Beyond the Birds and the Bees.

I need to begin by defining what sexuality is. Here is how the Catechism defines it.

“Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and to procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude for forming bonds of communion with others” (For more, go here.)

In other words, sex, and sex education, has to be about more than doing the deed, as it were. It has to be about the formation of the whole person. That’s why I would argue that a proper, healthy and comprehensive sexual education actually has very little to do with the sex act itself. Obviously, at some point, information about the sexual act and its physical and spiritual significance has to be addressed, but that’s the tip of the iceberg. As you know 90% of the proverbial iceberg is actually below the water. That’s the part that really counts, especially when it comes to the sexual education of persons. If you don’t have that element (what the Church calls “remote preparation” i.e., character/relationship /spiritual formation) then nothing you say to a person about the dignity of sex and the importance of saving sex for marriage will make a hill of beans worth of difference. They might learn some interesting concepts, but they’ll end up doing what their gonads tell them to do—or they’ll end up hopelessly repressed trying to run away from what their gonads are telling them.

Sex Ed Requires Forming the Person First and Most

The most important part of sexual education is training in what it means to be a loving, prayerful, joyful, healthy person. When parents model and teach their children how to live as loving and prayerful people, they are engaging in the sexual education of their children. The Church teaches that sex is one person communicating the intimate core of their personhood to another person. In other words, to have healthy sexual attitudes, I have to be a healthy, virtuous person capable of intimacy with both God and the people he has placed in my life. To that end, in Beyond the Birds and the Bees, my wife/co-author and I describe 8 virtues that impact our ability to have healthy sexual attitudes and behaviors. The more parents help their children cultivate these virtues in family life from birth through young adulthood, in all the interaction with brothers, sisters, parents, friends, authority figures, etc. the more complete, comprehensive, and healthy their children’s sexual formation will be.

8 Virtues that Constitute a Healthy Sexuality (and a healthy person)

Here are the virtues with a brief description of how they relate to sex (I have an entire chapter dedicated to this in Beyond the Birds and the Beesso please realize this is the briefest of summaries). As you read these virtues, don’t just think of them in the abstract or as they relate to sex alone. My point in listing these virtues is to show that when parents actively work to teach the behaviors associated with these virtues in any context in their day-to-day interactions as a family they are actually, albeit unknowingly, engaging in the sexual education of their children.

1. A capacity for Self-Donative love— i.e., the ability to look for opportunities to work for the good of the people in my life and to actively seek out ways to use my time, treasure, talent, and physical abilities (i.e., body) to make the lives of those around me easier, better, and more enjoyable. Relates to sex in that it helps me see sex as another way to work for the good of another person as opposed to viewing sex as mere recreation.

2. A capacity for Responsibility—i.e. the ability to delay gratification, to set worthy goals and meet them, and to understand how to set priorities so that everything I have and do asserts the value of people and relationship over things. Relates to sex in that I must be able to see that sex is a good that deserves to be saved for marriage, and that the things I have—including my body—are not ends in themselves, but given to me as a gift from God to be used to work for my well-being and the good of others.

3. A personal and prayerful Faith life—i.e., the ability to see that there is more to life than meets the eye. That God loves me and has a plan for my life and relationships and that I know how to understand that plan through intimate communication with God in prayer. Relates to sex in that it is impossible to see that sex is about more than pleasure if I cannot see the spiritual significance of every day life and that God has a plan for every part of me including my sexuality.

4. A healthy sense of Respect for myself and others—i.e., the ability to know what I and others are worth in the eyes of God. The ability to demonstrate respect for myself and others communicates a gut-level sense of my awareness of my dignity and yours. Relates to sex in that in order to have a healthy sexual relationship with my spouse, I must be able to see myself and my partner as a son and daughter of God. I practice this attitude by being respectful in all my interactions with others.

5. A capacity for Intimacy— i.e., intimacy is the deepest call of the Christian life, which is ultimately about spousal union with God and participation in the communion of saints. My ability to make myself vulnerable in a healthy way to another person, to share my needs, feelings, fears, hopes and dreams AND to receive the gift of the other’s needs, feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams will largely decide whether I am capable of living out the Christian vision of sex or if I will be tempted to compulsively engage in a series of pleasurable acts of friction that may or may not have anything to do with relationship.

6. A capacity for Cooperation—i.e, the ability to work for the common good. To know how to meet my needs in a way that is considerate of the other person’s needs as well. Relates to sex in that a healthy sexual relationship largely depends upon my ability to know how to express my needs honestly and receive other’s needs willingly so that we can work together to create something beautiful, intimate, and fulfilling.

7. A capacity for Joy—i.e., the ability to celebrate life to the full. To be—in a healthy way—playful, fun, spontaneous and open to new experiences. Relates to sex in that sex should be a joyful, celebratory experience. Not a duty or chore.

8. A healthy sense of Personhood—i.e., a sense of the goodness of the body combined with a healthy sense what it means to be a godly man or woman. Relates to sex in that to have a healthy sexuality a person can’t hate, or be disgusted, or be cavalier about his or her body. Likewise, a person needs to be secure in his or her identity as a man or woman.

Beyond the Birds and the Bees offers hundreds of practical suggestions for teaching these virtues in the daily interactions of family life from birth through young adulthood.

Giving Kids a Healthy Moral Mindset

Teaching these virtues in family life produces children who have a moral ethos as opposed to a moral ethic. What’s the difference? If I have a moral ethic, I always want to know how far I can push the limit before its sinful. I’m concerned with “where’s the line?” With a moral ethos, I want to do what’s right because it is good for me and for you. The man with a moral ethic doesn’t cheat on his wife because he doesn’t want the hassle. The man with a moral ethos doesn’t cheat on his wife because he loves his wife. The teen with a moral ethic doesn’t have sex before marriage because it’s “wrong” in some vague way or “dirty” or “dangerous.” The teen with a moral ethos doesn’t have sex before marriage because he doesn’t want to degrade himself or use someone else that way. Sound too good to be true? It’s not. When you raise kids according to the points I’m laying out here, this is the exactly kind of kid you are more likely to see. A “True” sexual education needs to communicate a moral ethos as opposed to a moral ethic. Anything less will fail given enough pressure and time.

And Finally, “The Talk.”

Finally, of course, at some point, parents will need to convey information about the sexual act. We talk about how to do that in Beyond the Birds and the Bees as well, but as I’ve already said, this is the least important part of the process. It’s important, but if it doesn’t stand on everything else I’ve put forward above, you’re wasting your breath. When it comes to conveying information about body parts and intercourse, be straightforward, honest, and simple. Ask questions to assess what your son or daughter knows and help them fill in the blanks. Be a mentor not a scold. Assume that you will have multiple conversations about these topics over the course of many years, not just one conversation and then done.

The bottom line is that, as far as my reading of the Church is concerned, a “true” sexual education has much less to do with talking about body parts and intercourse, and everything to do with the formation of a whole, faithful, respectful, virtuous person who knows how to properly share him or herself with another whole, faithful, respectful, virtuous person. The better we do that as parents, the more likely our kids will be sexually whole and holy as