In the Baby vs. Parent Debate, Catholic Teaching Offers a Balanced Approach

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It’s the baby gift new parents never asked for: unsolicited, often competing, advice about thebest way to raise their little one.

On one side, some people advocate a parent-centered approach. “You can’t take care of baby if you don’t take care of yourself,” these people argue. “Besides, your baby needs to learn she’s not the center of the world!”

On the other side are advocates of a baby-centered approach. “The first three years of your child’s life are the foundation of their future development,” these folks might say. “Now’s the time for parents to go all in.”

Caught in the middle, many new parents rightly feel conflicted, seeing good points on both sides.

But the Catholic tradition offers a good way to balance the needs of babies and their parents, say Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. This approach, outlined in their book Then Comes Baby: The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Three Years of Parenthood, is centered on the principle of the common good. Rather than seeing parenting as a zero-sum competition, this approach to family life seeks the flourishing of everyone—baby, mom, and dad alike.

Before we get to the common good approach, let’s quickly look at the merits of baby-centered parenting and parent-centered parenting.

The Benefits of Baby-Centered Parenting

In Chapter 2 of their book, the Popcaks summarize the strong scientific support behind many baby-centered practices.

Since the 1990s, research in neuroscience, developmental psychology, and attachment theory has consistently affirmed the benefits of responsive, attentive caregiving during infancy. Babies who experience this kind of nurturing develop stronger emotional regulation, more resilient stress responses, and deeper trust in relationships. The practice of responding to an infant’s needs promptly and consistently helps form secure attachments, which in turn support empathy, social development, and mental health throughout life.

These are powerful and well-documented benefits—and they help explain why so many parenting experts emphasize attentiveness to a baby’s cues.

Children raised with less baby-centered approaches may also develop these positive qualities, the Popcaks acknowledge. “But research strongly suggests that children reared by more baby-centered approaches are more likely to have a better-developed capacity for these skills.”

Parents Need to Take Care of Themselves Too

The baby-centered approach has a lot to recommend it. But there’s a caveat. “If parents allow themselves to become burned out by doing baby-centered parenting, it doesn’t work nearly as well,” the Popcaks write.

Burnt-out, exhausted parents don’t connect with their babies very well; they tend to be less animated, and make less eye contact with their children. In fact, this exhaustion-fueled detachment can wipe out the benefits of a baby-centered approach.

Moreover, research shows that “babies do best in homes where Mom and Dad’s relationship is strong and secure,” the Popcaks say, underlining the need for parents to attend to their own relationship, too. This does not mean that “if Mom and Dad are happy, Baby will be happy.” While there is plenty of evidence that poor marital relationships negatively affect children, strong marital relationships don’t cancel out the child’s need for prompt, consistent parental responses to her needs.

In short, a healthy family life requires more than just protecting adult time—it requires an integrated vision that honors every member of the household.

Aiming for the Common Good of the Family

This is where the Catholic social teaching principle of the common good comes into play. This principle suggests that those with the least ability to meet their own needs (like a baby) have a right to have their needs met first. At the same time, it also acknowledges that all people, including parents, have a right to have their own needs met, as long as they do so in a way that respects everyone else

What does this mean in practical terms? The Popcaks suggest that parents follow two principles.

First, “parents should challenge themselves on a regular basis to be as baby-centered as possible while being creative about how to meet their own needs.” The benefits of responding promptly, consistently, and affectionately to a child’s needs are so clear that doing so ought to be a priority. And for Catholics, the practice of this heroic “self-donation” is the way we find not only a happy, joyful life, but also our truest selves.

But balance is key. Parents are embodied human beings, not purely spiritual angels, which means they have very real limits that need to be respected.

“That’s why parents need to constantly seek creative ways to get time for themselves and their marriage,” the Popcaks write. “This takes sensitivity, prayer, communication, and commitment on the part of both parents.”

Nurturing the Routines and Rituals of Healthy Family Life

Exactly how to navigate that balancing act is the subject of the rest of Then Comes Baby, but establishing healthy routines and rituals—a topic the Popcaks frequently emphasize in their work with parents—is key, they say.

By pursuing the common good, Catholic parents can avoid the pitfalls of both extreme approaches and cultivate a family life that reflects generous love for their child and good stewardship of their own well-being and their marriage.

If you’d like to learn more about this topic, check out Then Comes Baby at CatholicCounselors.com. You can also get more personalized parenting advice through the community discussion forums in the CatholicHŌM app.

Couple Time First: Protecting Your Marriage

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Guest Post by Jacob Francisco, LMHC, Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com

The time and energy that spouses dedicate to one another overflows into the peace and well-being of the entire family.

My dad would come home from a day of teaching around 4:30 or 5.

After the customary greetings by my sisters and me, he would move us out of the kitchen to spend some quality time with my mom. They would have a cup of coffee together, work on dinner, and talk about the day for about 30 minutes.

Us youngsters were not allowed to eavesdrop or bother them “unless someone is bleeding” as they (jokingly!) said.

After the coffee was gone, we all came together again and had dinner as a family. Being home for dinner was mostly not negotiable. Mom and dad worked hard to limit any possible conflicts with our regular family meal. 

Protecting dinner time gave us the opportunity to create a space for lots of lively discussion, especially as we got older and grappled with questions about God, the world, and our friends.

These experiences helped pour the foundation for the man I am and the man I am becoming. Being given that space to reflect and talk with my parents helped me feel like I was standing on solid ground. A feeling I carry inside of me to this day.

But just as importantly, the conversational time my parents protected for themselves is one of the concrete ways I knew in my bones that they loved each other. Every child needs to know that their parents love one another, especially when parents are upset or stressed. 

The family dinner routine was how I knew that I was loved. 

That I belonged. There is a sense of security, well-being, and warmth in the knowledge of belonging.

 

By protecting the time they needed to reconnect as spouses, the graces of the sacrament could overflow into the whole family.

 

The importance of couple time first

A healthy and holy marriage isn’t something that just happens to people. 

The romantic passion will change over time and life has a way of stealing our time and attention. There will always be more things that demand our energy.

Our spouse deserves to be our priority because people are more important than things.

 

This is the person we chose to spend our life with and unless we guard that the world will try to take this away from us.

 

Couple’s time is “sacred work.” It brings grace to the whole family and consecrates family life to God.

Couples need to protect this time for themselves and for their kids just like my parents did. Children benefit because a connected couple has more to pour into their family relationships: more joy, more generosity, more warmth.

 

Couple time first is a paradigm or mindset, not just a certain time in the week.

 

The point is not always to have a rigid adherence to a single practice or activity. The point is that even when those regular routines do not (or cannot) happen, we intentionally make couple time a priority.

 

Life is messy and often unpredictable. Healthy married couples possess flexibility when needed without compromising the principle.

They follow up with each other later and make sure that they get in even just 10-15 minutes of time to connect every day. 10-15 minutes is no time at all, and most couples probably want and need more at least a few times a week.

 

So how do we make that happen?

  1.       Consider what you are already doing that you could be more intentional about. Perhaps there is a certain time of day you often spend together already, such as right before bed at night. Be more intentional about what you talk about then. Go a little deeper. Talk about those pesky feelings we tend to gloss over in the course of talking about what happened during the day.

 

  1.       Reflect on what tends to get in the way of this time. Do either of you schedule other plans during that time when it is not urgent or serious? Do you choose time together over other commitments, even good ones?

 

  1.       Guard your time against interruptions, even your kid’s wants. (By all means help them with their needs, but like the example with my parents, when my parent’s guarded their time together it helped them meet my needs more effectively).

Do we need to reduce some commitments or clear out our schedule a bit?

Do we need to make sure things like dinner together or time in the evenings are not often commandeered by other activities or distractions like TV?

            

Making couple time first does not always mean adding more activities to your life. The most important part of this mindset is that you are intentional and that time together is the first priority, not last.

 

Learn more about Jacob Francisco, LMHC at CatholicCounselors.com.

How to Make an ‘Affection Connection’ with Your Kids

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The amount of affection children receive from their parents has a huge impact on many aspects of their development, as we discovered in the first part of this two-part article: children who don’t receive enough affection from their parents (or other loving adult guardians) fail to thrive when they are young, and struggle more as adults. On the other hand, children who receive “extravagant” amounts of affection are more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties.

In this second part of our look at extravagant affection, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak address common questions that parents often ask: How much affection is enough? What does that look like? When in a child’s development is affection important? And what if I’m not naturally an affectionate person?

This article is based on Episode 17 of the CatholicHŌM podcast, available exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app.

How Much Affection Is ‘Extravagant’?

As we learned in part one of this article, the term “extravagant affection” was popularized by the researchers behind a landmark 2010 Duke University study. By analyzing data from about 500 individuals, the researchers found that those who received “extravagant” levels of affection from their mothers at eight months were more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties. The researchers described “extravagant affection” as involving frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsive caregiving. Only about 6 percent of the mothers in the study showed this level of affection toward their infants, although the majority were “warm” toward their children.

One of the first questions parents raise around this topic, the Popcaks say, is: How much affection is enough—and how much counts as “extravagant”?

“If you feel like you’re doing a little too much, then you’re probably doing just about enough,” Dr. Popcak advised.

Another measure that the Popcaks cited was Dr. John Gottman’s finding that the healthiest relationships exhibit a 20:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. While he developed that principle based on his marriage research, subsequent work by other researchers has shown that the ratio holds true for parent-child relationships, too, Dr. Popcak said.

A third way of telling whether your kids are getting enough affection, the Popcaks said, is to notice the “emotional temperature” in your household. If things are getting “hot” and you’re getting more pushback than usual, it might be a sign that the amount of affection in your relationship has slipped, perhaps due to stress or busyness.

Affection Isn’t Just for Young Children

Parents often wrongly assume that it’s appropriate for affection to taper off as children grow into teens and young adults, but that is far from the case, the Popcaks said. People of all ages and genders need affection, although it may take different forms for different people. Remember the football player hugging his mother from the beginning of part one of this article? Teenage boys need affection just as much as anyone else, even if it looks different than the kind of affection you would give to a toddler.

“We think that affection is only for the child who can sit on our lap all the time,” Lisa Popcak said. “But there’s healthy, extravagant affection at all different age groups. Let them have that (affection) even through their teenage and young adult years.”

What If I’m Just Not an Affectionate Person?

“But I’m just not an affectionate person!” It’s a common objection the Popcaks often hear from parents.

“if you aren’t a particularly affectionate person, it’s because it was trained out of you,” Dr. Popcak said. “If you have learned because of your family of origin to not be affectionate, that’s actually a wound that God wants to heal, because he didn’t create you that way.

“That doesn’t mean you have to be exuberantly affectionate overnight,” he continued. “It just means this is something to kind of work on gently and intentionally, over the course of your lifetime so that you can receive all the generous affection that God wants to share with you and all the generous affection that God wants you to experience from the people that he’s placed in your life.”

You can turn to God for help with this, Lisa Popcak said. “Say to God, ‘Lord, let me borrow a little bit of your affectionate love for my kids today and help me to show it to them. Heal this inside of me that I’m struggling and help me develop this relationship with them.’”

Affection Is About Making a Connection

Affection will look different from person to person, but at bottom, it’s about making a warm connection with the other person. Dr. Popcak points to the language of researcher John Gottman, who describes affection as all the small, everyday ways that people seek attention, affirmation, or emotional support from one another. These bids can take many forms, such as a smile, a question, a touch, or even a sigh. By “turning toward” a bid for connection—acknowledging it, engaging with it, or reciprocating the gesture—we strengthen the emotional bond in the relationship.

“You know, so eye contact, that smile when you see them walk in the room, that effort to actually look at them when you’re talking to them,” Dr. Popcak said. “If they’re little, getting down on their level and talking to them…. Stop and give them compliments and tell them what they’re doing well and just let them know that you enjoy being around them.”

That might look different with older kids, Lisa Popcak said. “Come up to your teenage son and give him that hug around the shoulder: ‘Hey, I’m really proud of what you’re doing,’ or ‘How was your day today?’ or walking by them when they’re doing their studies and ruffling their hair.

The Popcaks offered some specific examples of ways to show your kids affection:

  • Hug your child in the morning and before bed.
  • Pause to look them in the eyes and ask about their day.
  • Sit close during family activities, such as movie nights or prayer time.
  • Offer affirming words regularly, like, “I’m proud of you” or “I love having you in my life.”
  • Include physical touch during moments of connection, such as a squeeze of the hand or a gentle touch on the shoulder.

Extravagant affection is a powerful gift. It helps kids—and adults—thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually. And as you show love to your family, you’re giving them a tangible experience of God’s unending affection for them.

You can learn more strategies for developing warm, affectionate relationships with your kids in the Popcaks’ books, Parenting with Grace: The Catholic Parents’ Guide to Raising Almost Perfect Kids and Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Raising Sexually Whole and Holy Kids.How to Make an ‘Affection Connection’ with Your Kids

The Many Benefits of ‘Extravagant’ Affection

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After winning the last game of his high school football career, the young man rushed over to his mother, and the two embraced in a big hug.

“He still fits in his mother’s arms!” his father wrote when he posted a photo of the moment on social media.

The family are friends of Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, founders of the Pastoral Solutions Institute and hosts of the CatholicHOM podcast.

It was a beautiful moment, Lisa Popcak said on an episode of the podcast dedicated to nurturing affection between parents and their kids. Moments like these underscore how the daily practice of showing affection creates lasting connections that children carry into adulthood. But the moment didn’t just happen; rather, it was the culmination of an “affection connection” the boy and his parents had intentionally nurtured throughout his life.

Happy moments like this are not the only benefit of making intentional, affectionate connections with your kids (and spouse!) every day. Affection builds trust and resilience in families, making family life easier and more pleasant, even when things get tough. And giving kids plenty of affection helps them grow up to be more confident, resilient, and satisfied as adults.

Why is affection (or the lack of it) such a powerful force in the development of children? The Popcaks point to decades’ worth of research for an explanation.

The Science Behind Affection

For many decades now, research has increasingly clarified the important role that affection plays in the development of happy, healthy adults.

In the mid-20th century, for instance, studies of infants raised in orphanages with minimal physical contact revealed alarming rates of failure to thrive. These infants often exhibited stunted growth, delayed development, and emotional difficulties.

“Biologically, neurologically, we were created to need touch, to crave affection even more than food,” Dr. Popcak said. As the Church teaches, God made us to be in relationship with one another (see Catechism of the Catholic Church, #1890 – 1891), and affection helps strengthen those relationships.

But the impact of affection on human development goes way beyond the quality of our relationships. A landmark 2010 Duke University study of about 500 individuals found that those who received “extravagant” levels of affection from their mothers at eight months were more likely to grow up to be happier, more resilient, and less anxious adults in their thirties. The researchers described “extravagant affection,” displayed by about 6 percent of the mothers, as involving frequent physical contact, warm interactions, and responsive caregiving.

Other studies show the profound physiological impact of affection. When parents and children share moments of touch—whether it’s a hug, holding hands, or sitting close together—their bodies “sync up,” the Popcaks said. Heart rates slow, breathing becomes calmer, and stress diminishes.

“Our bodies actually sync up with each other,” Dr. Popcak said. “The slower heart rate of the person giving another person a hug slows down the heart rate of the person receiving the hug.”

This physiological alignment fosters a sense of safety and connection that strengthens relationships on a deep, almost instinctive level.

How Affection Supports Healthier Relationships

Extravagant affection also helps kids form and maintain healthy relationships outside of the family, both growing up and later on as adults.

“Healthy, appropriate, extravagant affection in the home teaches kids how to get their need for affection met in healthy and appropriate and holy ways,” Dr. Popcak said.

“This is very important,” Lisa Popcak agreed, “because when (kids) have the experience with mom and dad of having healthy, extravagant affection, they get filled up and they get a sense in their very bones of what is true and healthy affection and what is false affection.”

In other words, kids who receive all the affection they need from their parents are less likely to seek it elsewhere in inappropriate ways. And kids who grow up in an affectionate family have a “standard model” to measure other relationships against as they move into the teen and young adult years.

Parents who practice extravagant affection also reap the benefits of a stronger, more resilient relationship with their child. Not only do the parents get more affection in return (and parents need affection, too, Lisa Popcak says), but it becomes easier for parents to teach kids how to be good and responsible people.

“When I have a strong affection connection with my kids, my kids are more likely to give me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to the rules that I’m laying down, because they understand on even a physical level that I’m working for their good, that I really do love them,” Dr. Popcak said. “They feel that love and they understand that the rules that I’m laying down are coming from a healthier place.”

On the other hand, Dr. Popcak said, the popular parenting maxim “rules without rapport lead to rebellion” is more likely to hold true when affection has been lacking in the relationship.

“And so the defensiveness, that pushing back on rules or eye rolling is one of the earliest signs that maybe the affection connection isn’t what it should be,” he said, adding that this is not always the reason for that behavior.

Not Just ‘Nice to Do’

Extravagant affection is not just a feel-good practice; it’s a powerful tool for nurturing trust, resilience, and connection within families. Whether it’s a hug, a kind word, or simply being physically present, these intentional acts of love create a foundation for healthier relationships, stronger family bonds, and a more peaceful home life. As the research shows, affection positively shapes children’s emotional and relational development, while also making the job of parenting easier and more rewarding. By embracing this approach, parents can help their kids grow into confident, secure, and loving adults.

This is the first part of our two-part article about the importance of extravagant affection. In part two, we’ll look at some common questions that parents ask: How much affection is enough? What does that look like? When in a child’s development is affection important? And what if I’m not naturally an affectionate person?

In the meantime, if you want more tips for building strong, loving relationships in your family, join the CatholicHOM community for daily support and encouragement. Once you’re there, you can listen to the full podcast that was the basis for this article by looking up Episode 17 in the CatholicHOM podcast section.

3 Practices for a Happier, Holier Holiday Season

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The period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day is typically one of the more hectic and stressful times of the year, especially for families with children in the house. The irony is that the holidays we celebrate during this time of year—Thanksgiving, Advent, Christmas, the New Year—were originally established to help us connect more intimately with God and one another.

What’s the solution? Getting back to the root reason for these holidays is a good start, say Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak on their CatholicHŌM podcast. (You can find it exclusively in the Podcasts section of the CatholicHŌM app.)  They suggest reviewing (and possibly revising) your holiday plans before things get crazy with one goal in mind: protecting and nurturing your most important relationships.

Here are three areas to evaluate as you chart your way to a happier, holier holiday season.

1. Prioritize Connection Over Perfection

Sometimes, we enter the holiday season aiming for our very own “Hallmark movie moment,” focusing on decorating, baking, and finding that perfect gift. Unconsciously, we think that if our stagecraft is good enough, moments of emotional warmth and connection will follow.

But instead of aiming for movie-set decorating and gift-giving perfection, the Popcaks suggest putting your energy into strengthening family relationships and creating opportunities for meaningful moments.

“It all starts with being extra intentional about taking care of one another,” Greg Popcak says.

“God’s presence is manifested in that caretaking that you give to each other, that sacrificial love that your priestly mission of baptism reveals,” he says. “And so the more you ask, ‘How can we take better care of each other as a couple or as a family? What do we need from each other to really not just get through the holiday…but really to love each other through the holiday?’ That’s what Advent is calling us to as families.”

Research shows that families whose members routinely show extravagant affection and affirmation to one another, and who respond promptly and generously to one another’s needs, tend to have stronger, warmer relationships.

“You know, those things don’t come naturally, and it takes some effort and it takes some intention,” he says. “But even if we picked one of those things, either for the whole Advent season or every day…that would help us find ways to make a little bit more room for Christ and make our homes a little bit holier and a little bit more peaceful by Christmas.”

During the busyness of the holiday season, it’s especially important to protect your family’s time together. Doing that may require some planning, Lisa Popcak says. Don’t just squeeze family time into the gaps between a myriad of other obligations; schedule it on your calendar. Your time together doesn’t need to be elaborate; some of the most meaningful moments are often the simplest. Go on a drive around town to view holiday lights, for example, or schedule a nighttime sledding party and bonfire.

2. Clarify Your Priorities, Then Set Boundaries to Protect Them

When your children look back on this holiday season ten years from now, what do you want to stand out for them? What words or phrases do you hope they might use to describe this time? What are the values or experiences you want to stand out in their memory?

Asking those simple questions can help you clarify the values and priorities that guide your choices during the holiday season. Maybe you want to incorporate more faith-based activities; maybe it’s time to begin creating new holiday traditions for your family; or maybe you want to simplify expectations. Figure out your priorities as a couple first, then bring your children into the conversation to see what traditions or activities are most important to them. Knowing what matters most allows you to focus your energy where it counts.

Once you know your priorities, do what you need to do to make space for them. This might mean letting go of something you’ve just “always” done.

Take Advent traditions, for example. Advent traditions “were really created in the first place to build intimate connection between the family and God,” Greg Popcak points out. “And if those particular traditions are actually standing in opposition to your connection with each other and God…maybe it’s time for that tradition to either go or be approached in a different way.”

Annual activities with extended family might need to be approached differently, too. For example, let’s say one of your priorities is to spend time together with your own family on Christmas Day rather than traveling to visit your parents. You still want to see your parents, of course, and your parents want to see you and their grandchildren. But you can honor the “what” of this tradition while negotiating the “when” and “how,” Lisa Popcak says.

You don’t need to apologize or offer excuses to your parents or extended family, she says. Instead, affirm your desire to connect during the holidays and then look for alternative ways of doing that.

“You’re adults with your own children now, so you really don’t need anybody’s permission,” she says. “You just want to move the relationship (with extended family) to a place of connectedness in a way that works for you and your family.”

3. Practice Heartfelt, Honest Prayer

Finally, don’t lose sight of the fact that the purpose of the Advent and Christmas seasons is to help us draw closer to God. The Church offers us a lot of ways for doing this during Advent and Christmas, from the Jesse Tree to the Advent wreath, from the O Antiphons to manger blessings and Christmas novenas.

All of those prayer and devotional traditions are wonderful, the Popcaks say—as long as they really deepen your relationship with God.

“Formal prayers work when they are at the service of the heart, not standing in place of the heart,” Greg Popcak says. “We’ve got to start with the heart in family prayer.”

For example, let’s say that it’s been a hectic, stressful day, and by the end of it, everyone is irritable and crabby. Things have been said that, while not awful, definitely aren’t bringing people closer. Now, at the end of the day, you gather everyone around the Advent wreath to do a quick run-through of “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” because it’s just part of your nightly routine during Advent.

But reciting all the prayers and singing all the hymns without bringing your hearts to God defeats the whole point of those prayers and hymns. Instead, begin with a heartfelt prayer that brings to God what is going on in your family right here and now.

Lisa Popcak offers this example prayer: “You know, Lord, help us to be a better team. Help us to learn to listen to you and to take good care of each other through this stressful holiday time. Help us to learn how to make room in our home and our hearts for more of your love.”

Once you have turned your hearts to God, take the time you need to have a conversation as a family about how you might do better going forward. Then celebrate your Advent wreath service, a little more joyfully than you would have otherwise. Or, call it a day, because what is really important is making that connection to God and asking for him to bless your family with his love and help.

Remember, if the holiday crazies start getting your family down, get back to the root reason for the season by prioritizing warm and meaningful connections, doing what is necessary to make space for your priorities, and asking for God’s help through it all with heartfelt family prayer. If you can work on these three foundational practices, you will be on your way to a happier, holier holiday season.

This article is an abridged version of advice Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak offered on the CatholicHŌM Podcast, episodes 16, 18, and 43. It’s available exclusively on the CatholicHŌM app.

The 3 Basic Triggers for Your Child’s Meltdowns and Tantrums (and What You Can Do to Help)

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Handling meltdowns and tantrums in young children is one of the most popular topics on the CatholicHOM parenting discussion boards. While each situation is unique, the solution to these behaviors often follows the same basic set of principles, says Jacob Francisco, a Pastoral Counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. With these principles in mind, parents can effectively address tantrums and meltdowns on their own most of the time.

What’s Your Mindset?

You can’t control your child’s behavior, at least not directly. But you can control your own response to that behavior, so checking your mindset is a good place to begin.

Many parents mistakenly believe that their child intentionally chooses to melt down or throw a tantrum as a deliberate tactic to get their way. In fact, young children—especially those under age five—have very little control over their emotions.

“Kids really don’t have as much ability to regulate their emotions as we think that they do,” Francisco says. “It’s just brain neurology. They just don’t have enough of their cortex formed yet to be able to do that consistently or under any level of pressure.”

As children get past age five, they begin to develop better self-regulation—but they still need coaching, Francisco says.

Realizing that our children aren’t intentionally trying to drive us crazy helps to reframe the whole situation. Instead of viewing it as an antagonistic, me-against-them scenario, it’s more like teaching your child how to play catch—an analogy frequently used by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak in their Parenting with Grace books.

“When you’re playing catch with a five-year-old, your goal is to pass the ball back and forth without dropping it. You’re not trying to make them fail or challenge them too much—you’re just helping them learn,” Francisco explains.

Just as children need time and coaching to learn physical skills, they also need time and coaching to learn how to manage their emotions. Having a meltdown is like “dropping the ball” emotionally.

If you’re playing catch with your child and he drops the ball, how would you react?

“I’m not going to go over there and use harsh discipline, I’m not going to just give up or throw my glove down and be like, ‘Fine, we’re not going to play, then, if you can’t behave right.’ That’s not going to solve the issue,” Francisco says.

Instead, parents should approach tantrums and meltdowns with empathy and the desire to help. Just like playing catch, you’re really on the same team—and that is what you want to convey to your child.

What’s Really Going On Here?

With that mindset in place, the way to address meltdowns is by doing a little detective work. Rather than focusing on the tantrum itself, look for the underlying cause of the tantrum. In general, the cause will fall into one of three categories, Francisco says.

1. Basic Needs. First, consider whether your child’s basic needs are the issue. “Are they hungry, tired, uncomfortable, or sick? Any one of these factors can spark a tantrum over something that seems inconsequential to adults,” Francisco explains. For example, a child who is overtired might burst into tears over a minor frustration, such as spilling her snack.

 

2. Emotional Overload. Second, assess whether your child might be overwhelmed by their emotions. Children have a low threshold for difficult feelings, and even small events can trigger big reactions.

 

3. Underdeveloped Coping Skills.  Finally, consider whether your child simply doesn’t know how to respond appropriately to a particular problem, or doesn’t know how to apply an existing skill to the problem at hand. “This is where, as parents, we often have the thought, ‘You know what to do. You already know how to deal with this situation.’ We’ve all had that thought, and it’s not as true as we think it is,” Francisco says. “When some sort of disconnect is happening in their little child brain that’s still growing, still forming all of these connections and skills, in any given moment, they might not be able to make the connection to the skill that you’ve already worked on a dozen times. As frustrating as it is, they need another coaching session.”

Once you have identified the likely cause of the tantrum (basic need, big emotions, underdeveloped skills), then the next step is to help them address that problem “as patiently and gently as humanly possible,” Francisco says.

Figuring out the root cause of the tantrum may take some trial and error, but it is far more effective in the short term than responding with yelling or punishment. And in the long term, it teaches your child that they can turn to you for help when they most need it, a habit that will pay dividends even as they grow into young adulthood.

Some Tips for Helping Kids Regulate Their Emotions

Unfortunately, there is no way to “solve” the problem of meltdowns overnight. Gradually, though, they will decrease in frequency and intensity as your child’s brain develops and as she acquires more self-regulation skills. The good news is that you can speed up the process a little.

“We want to be teaching our kids, even when they’re only slightly upset, that the first order of business in solving a problem is staying calm or becoming calm,” Francisco says. “So maybe that means we’re teaching our kids when they’re about to start crying to try to take some deep breaths, and we do it with them. Maybe that means we have a little game that we play with them, like I Spy; it gets them interacting with their environment, and it’s something that is fun for them. Or maybe you’ve got a little one who likes ‘Patty Cake’ and you see the tears are about to come: ‘Hey, let’s play patty cake!’ Now you’ve got that sensory touch to help them. A hug can do a world of good, too.”

Many of these techniques are about teaching kids how to use their body as the first means of regulating their emotions, he says.

Walking away from a child who consistently refuses your help might be the best strategy for children over age five, as long as you do so in a way that maintains a positive, helpful approach.

Tell the child that you’re going to step away for a few minutes—one or two, not an extended period of time—while they work on calming down. Check back every so often, asking whether they are calm enough to talk or to let you help them get even more calmed down.

And if you’re feeling on the verge of having your own adult-style tantrum, then you can model self-regulation by stepping away, telling your child what you are doing: “I’m getting really frustrated right now. I’m going to be back in two minutes. I need to calm myself down.”

It’s Going to Get Better

Dealing with tantrums can be exhausting, but Francisco has words of reassurance for parents: It’s going to get better. Returning to the analogy of the game of catch, the most important thing is to keep the ball going—in other words, to maintain that connected, healthy parent-child relationship.

“We want to have a relationship with our kids as they get older, so we don’t want to get bogged down each time our kid drops the ball or has a hard time catching it,” he says. “They will get better. The game will get more fun. It’s not always going to be what it is right now, so enjoy the time, even the hard times, because they will pass.”

For more help with this or other parenting problems, reach out to one of the Pastoral Counselors at CatholicCounselors.com, or join the CatholicHOM community.

Everything You’ve Been Told About Raising Faithful Catholic Kids Is Wrong

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Several times a week, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak hear from parents whose adult children no longer practice the Catholic faith they were raised in. These callers to the More2Life radio program are devout Catholics who did “all the things” to pass the faith along to their kids: they sent them to Catholic school or parish-based faith formation, attended Mass every week, and involved their children in youth groups.

Yet despite their best efforts, their children abandoned the faith as adults. Why?

“Everything that parents have been told about raising faithful Catholic kids is wrong,” Dr. Popcak said in a recent conversation with Marcus Peter, host of Ave Maria in the Afternoon, on how parents—and the Church—can better support raising kids who remain faithful into adulthood. Despite the significant investment that churches make in youth ministry and faith formation, research shows that only about 15 percent of Catholic kids continue to practice their faith as adults.

“You know, the Church has this spiritual cancer where we are not going to survive the next few generations if we don’t get this number up,” Dr. Popcak said.

What Matters Most: The Family Transformed by Jesus’ Love

In 2018, Dr. Popcak, founder of both the Pastoral Solutions Institute and the Peyton Institute for Domestic Church Life, partnered with the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) to conduct the Future of Faithful Families Project. This study interviewed adults who had retained their Catholic faith to identify the common factors in their upbringing.

The study found that what mattered most was not the quality of the youth group or Catholic school, or even the family’s weekly Mass attendance. While those things are valuable, they are secondary to the habits and practices within the home, Dr. Popcak said.

“And I don’t just mean the prayers that the family says,” he explained. “I mean that the children need to experience the faith as making a significant difference in the quality of the relationships in the home compared to their less-churched friends’ families.”

Children need to see that their family’s faith influences how they handle challenges, celebrate joys, and navigate everyday life. Even in their imperfections, these families’ grounding in Christ challenges them “to address problems differently, to hang in there with each other, to pray through things, to talk about these things, to draw closer together in difficult times,” Dr. Popcak said.

“Kids need to experience the faith as a source of the warmth in the home,” he added.

Learning about Christ is important, but it is essential that kids experience the love of Christ within the family, he said. A child or teen might memorize the Catechism or attend Bible study, but that catechetical work builds on the foundation of the young person’s lived experience of faith.

“When we take the approach where we treat religion like algebra and just teach kids faith facts, they’re not falling in love with Jesus, right?” Dr. Popcak said. “But what happened in these families (in the study) is the kids experienced for themselves the real difference that living the gospel made in their daily lives as a family, which made it real for them.”

Connection, Affection, and Service

The Future of Faithful Families Project identified several common habits and practices among families who successfully handed on an enduring faith to their kids. Here are some key takeaways:

  • Prioritizing Family Time: Successful families made intentional efforts to spend time together regularly, whether through shared meals, game nights, or simply being present for each other. This emphasis on togetherness allowed faith to be modeled naturally and authentically.
  • Creating Meaningful Family Rituals: These families established daily or weekly rituals for working, playing, talking, and praying together. These rituals enabled family members to connect meaningfully with one another and practice the faith in the context of everyday life. Shared work rituals, for example, provided opportunities to experience how loving service and cooperation make work more pleasant and rewarding. They didn’t just pray at mealtimes; they brought God into everyday moments, whether through gratitude, a simple blessing, or turning to prayer during conflicts.
  • Practicing Generous Affection: Participants frequently described their families as “huggy,” highlighting a warm and affectionate atmosphere. From frequent hugs to verbal affirmations, these gestures created a sense of safety and belonging, reinforcing the idea that love is at the heart of faith.
  • Discipleship Discipline: Instead of punitive measures, these parents practiced discipleship discipline focused on teaching good behavior and encouraging virtue. They created structures that supported their children’s growth and helped them understand the “why” behind their actions.
  • Serving Each Other and Others: Families found small ways to serve one another and those around them, demonstrating that faith isn’t just about belief but action. Simple acts of kindness and service were seen as natural extensions of their love for Christ.

These families didn’t treat faith as a subject to be learned; instead, they showed that living the Gospel had a tangible impact on their daily lives, fostering resilience, hope, and a deep sense of connection.

Even in Today’s World, It’s Possible to Raise Faithful Kids

The habits and practices identified by the Future of Faithful Families Project are not a guaranteed formula, and other factors also play a role in young adults’ faith decisions. However, these foundational practices greatly improve the chances that children will grow into adults who experience the warmth of a strong relationship with God.

For parents feeling anxious about raising faithful children in today’s challenging cultural context, the study’s findings provide real hope and a clear path forward.

“The good news of this study is that we have the control, we have the ability to raise faithful kids,” Dr. Popcak said. “It’s not about the culture, it’s not about peers, it’s not about the media. It’s about how we live the faith in our home, and the degree to which the faith impacts the way we relate to each other, and the love that we share.”

For those seeking to deepen their family’s faith life, resources like the CatholicHOM app developed by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak can support parents in cultivating these habits and nurturing their children’s faith in meaningful ways.

How to Cope as Kids Leave the Nest

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As any new parent quickly learns (usually in the middle of the night), raising kids can be both joyful and really challenging. And while it may be hard to believe during those 2 a.m. feedings, saying goodbye to young adult children as they head off for a new life can be one of the tougher moments.

Anne Brunette, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., had a rough few weeks after dropping her oldest child off at a university five hours away.

“I cried the whole way home,” she said in a recent interview. “I called a friend, I talked to my husband. I wrote her a couple of letters and we talked a lot in the beginning, and it gradually kept getting better.”

Since seeing off that first child, she has gone through the same process with two sons as well. “And I will have to tell you next year at this time how it goes with the youngest,” she said, laughing. “That’s going to be its own challenge.”

In the meantime, as a pastoral counselor with CatholicCounselors.com, she has helped plenty of other parents navigate the transition from childhood to young adulthood.

Most parents experience a whirlwind of feelings, with joy, pride, and excitement living right alongside worry, anxiety, regret, and sadness. Like Brunette herself, most parents find their way through this mini-crisis to a new, richer relationship with their child.

Still, some people have a particularly tough time due to confounding circumstances. Even when that’s not the case, there are practices that help make the transition easier. Here’s Brunette’s advice.

Prepare for a Smooth Transition in Advance

In general, the more prepared you are for this transition, the better it is likely to go, Brunette said. Investing in the relationship throughout your child’s life by prioritizing family time and creating family rituals that help you connect with one another will go a long way.

But if you haven’t had an ideal relationship with your child, don’t spend a lot of time on regret, she said. Instead, look forward to what you can do to build the relationship now. “I’ve seen it many times where the relationship wasn’t necessarily as close as anyone would have wanted it, but with vulnerability, with humility, relationships can grow at almost any age.”

In the months running up to your child’s departure, have conversations about what the relationship will look like after he leaves. Be open with your emotions; share your hopes and expectations with one another.

“Not in a ‘Okay, this is what we expect of you’ way,” Brunette said, “but just a sharing of emotions about the leaving and a sharing of hopes for what the relationship can look like in the future with this change.”

Be concrete: How will you communicate, and how often? As your child gets her footing in young adult life, how much help from Mom or Dad is enough—and how much is too much?

Rituals can help ease the transition, too. Some families have a special meal or sending-off gathering. A family blessing can be powerful, too, Brunette said.

“It provides a ritual that is memorable and where everyone is able to share perhaps what they will miss about that person, but also their hopes for that person,” she said. “It gives that person a sense of ‘sending forth,’ but also that sense of, ‘you can still find support here.’ Even though you’re going out, you have our love, you have our support.”

Remind your child, too, that by virtue of her baptism, she has been commissioned to bring the Gospel out into the world. This is a new phase of that ongoing, lifelong mission.

 

Embrace a New Relationship

One strategy that can help to blunt the sense of loss you might feel when a child leaves home is to very intentionally focus on what gifts will emerge from the change.

“There’s a joy that often happens when that child comes back a semester later, a year later, and you witness so much growth,” Brunette said. “And you’re able to have a different kind of relationship with that adult child that just can be so special.”

At the same time, the transition to independent young adulthood—whatever it looks like—puts both you and your child on new ground, and it can take a while to find your footing.

“You have to recognize what you can control and what you can’t,” Brunette said.

Don’t make the mistake of demanding, lecturing, or guilt-tripping your young adult child. Not only do such strategies not work, but they can push her away. “The most influential thing is to have a good relationship.”

She regularly recommends Having Meaningful (Sometimes Difficult) Conversations with Your Adult Sons and Daughters by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak (also of the Pastoral Solutions Institute). The book explains how to nurture your relationship with your adult child, and how to support him or her without endorsing choices you don’t agree with.

“We all make mistakes; we all go through ups and downs with our faith life. Your adult children are going to make mistakes, too,” Brunette said. “And that’s okay. That’s how we learn. So try not to push what you think they should do, unless they ask. If they invite your advice, that’s fine. But if they don’t, don’t give it; just focus on the relationship.”

 

What If It Doesn’t Get Better?

It’s normal to feel sad, lonely, or blue for a few days or weeks after your child leaves home. But sometimes, the transition can trigger bigger issues, Brunette said. She named a few examples:

  •  Loss of identity. If your own identity has revolved around your role as a parent, or if you have an especially close relationship with your child, you might be thrown into an identity crisis, wondering, “What am I going to do with myself now?”
  • Marital problems. Without kids in the house, long-simmering marital problems can suddenly come into focus.
  • Dealing with past trauma. If you experienced past trauma, especially neglect or abuse, the departure of your child might bring all of those issues to the surface again. “if you’re really feeling strong emotions about being left or being alone, that perhaps could connect to some past experience that was really difficult,” Brunette said.

If you are dealing with any of these issues or experiencing symptoms of significant depression—for instance, you’re struggling to get up and get through the ordinary tasks of the day—then you may need to reach out for professional help.

But whether the transition is easy or fraught, Brunette always encourages parents to turn to God in prayer.

“Just trust that God is with you and with your child,” she said. “You can let go of that burden of feeling like you have to take care of that child like you used to. After all, this is what we raised them for.”

To connect with Brunette or more than a dozen other Pastoral Counselors about this or other life events, visit CatholicCounselors.org.

You Don’t Need Magic to Teach Good Manners

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Have you ever witnessed a young child being carried out of church while having a meltdown and yelling, “No thank you! No thank you!” Or, on a more positive note, maybe you’ve been impressed by the polite behavior of the same young children during coffee and donut hospitality after Mass.

How did their parents get such polite children?

It’s not magic, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak said on a recent CatholicHOM podcast.

The key is to recognize that manners are not essentially about social niceties or impressing other people; instead, they are grounded in the recognition that other people are children of God and deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

“To use good manners simply means: Are we making them feel comfortable? Are we making them feel cared for and lifted up? That is the foundation of good manners,” Lisa Popcak said.

Manners, then, are an integral part of the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life.

To Get Well-Mannered Kids, Model Good Manners

The first step in teaching good manners is for parents to model them. Young children learn by observing the behavior of adults, especially their parents. So, if you want polite children, show what that looks like—starting with your own kids.

“We have a tendency to think that, well, because we’re parents and they’re kids, we don’t have to be polite to them,” Greg Popcak said. “We just tell them what to do and they should do it.”

But if we want our children to say please and thank you, for example, “they’re only going to learn it if we’re saying it to them,” Lisa Popcak said. “So, if you’re saying, ‘Get me a diaper for your baby brother’—no, we should be saying, ‘Please get me a diaper for your baby brother.’ And then when the child comes back with the diaper, ‘Thank you so much, I really appreciate that!’”

Similarly, instead of simply telling a toddler no (“No, don’t touch that”), you might say, “No, thank you!” Before long, your toddler will be using the same language when he wants to refuse something.

Lisa Popcak was initially skeptical of this approach when she saw a friend using it with her child. “Nobody talks that way to their children,” she recalled thinking. “You just tell them, no, they can’t do that.”

But as she watched her friend’s son for a while, she noticed he was able to communicate politely even during emotionally intense situations. Inspired by this, Lisa and Greg adopted the practice with their own kids, with “beautiful” results.

Habitually using polite language with children is especially helpful during periods of high emotional temperatures, because the language is a reminder that both parent and child have dignity that we want to uphold. “That brings down the emotional temperature and keeps our thinking brain engaged,” Lisa Popcak said.

The Magic of the Do-Over Technique

Another effective way to teach kids polite language is to use the “do-over” technique, Greg Popcak said.

When a child demands something rudely, parents can calmly say, “I understand you want this. Let’s try asking for it politely. Can you say, ‘May I please have…?’” It’s critical not to use an angry or scolding tone; instead, adopt a helpful tone—it’s more effective than an angry tone, and again, it models the type of behavior you want your child to use with others as he grows up.

It’s important to note that using the do-over technique doesn’t mean giving children everything they ask for, even if they ask politely.

For example, if a child says, “Give me the chainsaw!” you can guide them to rephrase it as, “May I please have the chainsaw?” Once they ask politely, you can respond with, “Thank you for being so respectful and kind in the way you asked for that, sweetheart. But no, you may not have the chainsaw; it’s not safe for you.”

The child may not get exactly what she wants, but your praise and approval is a powerful reward in itself.

Modeling Helpfulness

Finally, Greg and Lisa Popcak recommend modeling and teaching helpfulness. So, for example, if someone in the family is going to the kitchen for something, model (and teach) the practice of asking others whether they would like anything as well.

Similarly, when you’re doing chores around the house or helping someone out, when the task is completed, make it a habit to always ask, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Don’t, however, take advantage of this considerate question by continually adding more chores to the list, the Popcaks warn. While you might occasionally ask for more help (like when you’re preparing to have guests over), It’s only considerate to show appreciation and let the child do something else.

Again, it’s important to remember that, in a Christian household, the whole point of manners is not to follow an empty social convention.

“When we use good manners in our home…we are taking little steps to remind (one another) of their dignity and worth as children of God,” Greg Popcak said.

To hear the whole podcast and get personalized parenting help, sign up for the CatholicHOM app and look for CatholicHOM podcast episode 41, “Mind Your Manners!” You can also find Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak’s Parenting with Grace books at CatholicCounselors.com.

Help Your Children Manage Mass (and Life) with Discipleship Discipline

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Heaven is no doubt filled with parents whose many virtues included taking their squirmy little kids to Mass—a comforting thought for any parent dealing with a mid-Mass meltdown.

But is it possible to avoid that meltdown in the first place?

Yes, it is, says Jacob Francisco, LMHC, a pastoral counselor at the Pastoral Solutions Institute who has many years of helping families and children as a family therapist.

“I promise you can do this even with a toddler,” Francisco said in a recent interview. “A two-year-old can learn to sit in the pew and be relatively well-behaved for the length of one Mass.”

Better yet, the same parenting skills that you use to help your kids get through Mass can be used in other settings as your kids get older.

Master Your Parenting Mindset: Connection, Not Control

Before we get down to brass tacks, take a moment to reflect on what comes to mind when you think of the word discipline. Your ideas about what that word means can profoundly shape the approach you take.

In the Discipleship Discipline approach promoted by the Pastoral Solutions Institute, the whole point of discipline is to help kids become the people God made them to be—healthy, loving, virtuous, and capable of realizing their full potential.

Most parents tend to be either too tough and rigid or much too gentle in their discipline, Francisco said. Striking a balance between these two approaches is crucial. Being overly harsh can damage the parent-child relationship, while being too lenient can lead to a lack of discipline and structure.

“We’re trying to hit that beautiful sweet spot in the middle,” he said.

And what does that “sweet spot” look like? Effective discipline isn’t about “controlling” kids, Francisco said, as much as it is about having a strong connection with kids so that they turn to you for help and guidance.

“Discipline is about building that trust and connection so they want to listen and follow you because they know you have their best interests at heart,” he said. “What you’re teaching your kid is that, really, true obedience comes from love. If we really love someone, we’re going to want to obey them. We’re going to want to follow them, which is ultimately the relationship we’re trying to have our children have with God.”

Once we understand discipline as connecting with our kids in order to teach them how to become who God made them to be, a lot of other things fall into place.

For now, though, let’s get back to the specific question of helping kids self-regulate their behavior during Mass.

Set the Conditions for Success

As you think about how to help your children self-regulate during Mass, the first step is to set them up for success. Just as a track coach might advise his team to hydrate and eat before a race, make sure young ones have a snack and use the bathroom (if they are toilet trained) before Mass to avoid hunger-related meltdowns, Francisco said.

We also want to be engaging with our children throughout the Mass, not only offering snacks or toys to “keep them quiet.” Instead we want to keep them connected. 

“They can get through an hour reading books or just being held or sitting on your lap, or you can be quietly whispering about things you see in the church,” he said.

Having a regular quiet time at home helps, too—it’s like practicing for a race before the real event.

“If the only time your kid is expected to be quiet is at Mass, it’s going to be a lot harder to get them to be quiet,” Francisco said. “But if they’re used to having to be quiet for a period of time, then Mass is going to be a piece of cake.”

Designate a period each day where your child engages in quiet activities like reading or drawing. This practice helps them learn to manage their behavior in a controlled, peaceful environment, making it easier to apply these skills in church.

Managing Mass Meltdowns

Even with all of these preparations, most parents have to deal with a loud, melting-down child sooner or later. What then?

Many parents pick up their child and head to the cry room, Francisco said—and then, when the child is all cried out, they stay there because it’s just easier.

“But if you want to teach your kid to be quiet and behave throughout the whole of the Mass, that’s not going to work,” he said. “All you’re doing is teaching them that we can go to the cry room and then I can play.”

Instead, when you remove a disruptive child from Mass, don’t put them down.

“Hold them the whole time,” Francisco said. “Once they’re calm, then you can go back to the pew. This helps them learn that Mass is not playtime.”

Francisco emphasizes that negotiating with a child during a meltdown often backfires. Instead of negotiating, empathize with their situation—while also providing clear and consistent boundaries.

For example, if a child is throwing a tantrum in the back of church, you might say, “I know you want to sit with Mom, but it’s Matthew’s turn to sit with Mom. You can sit with Mom after Matthew is done.”

An Approach for Every Age

You’ll need to adapt this approach to fit your particular circumstances, but the key elements should stay the same in almost any situation:

  • Stay connected. Show your child that you’re on her side, ready to help her get through her tough spot.
  • Set clear boundaries. Set clear and consistent boundaries and stick to them. Avoid harsh punishments while not permitting misbehavior.
  • Focus on coaching/teaching. Remember that your primary goal is to help your child learn how to be the person God made her to be.

In a way, then, helping a disruptive child at Mass is good practice for helping that same child through any number of other small crises during their childhood, adolescence, and young adult years.

Ultimately, it’s all about modeling for our kids the sort of relationship we want them to have with God, Francisco said. And there’s no better place to start than at Mass.

If you’d like more personalized help from Jacob Francisco or another Pastoral Counselor, reach out at CatholicCounselors.com. Also check out our community and resources for Discipleship Discipline while receiving personalized advice/support at CatholicHOM.com or the CatholicHOM app in the App Store or Google Play!