How the Saints Can Correct Our Idea of What ‘Holiness’ Looks Like

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You wouldn’t think that a 16th-century prankster would have much to contribute to a modern pastoral counseling practice—but St. Philip Neri is one of pastoral counselor Jacob Flores-Popcak’s go-to saints.

Known as the “Apostle of Rome,” Philip Neri was famous for his holiness—and his humor. Once, he even showed up to a banquet held in his honor with all the hair on one side of his head shaved clean off (eyebrows and beard, too!), smiling and chatting all evening as if nothing were unusual.

For Flores-Popcak, this story captures an often-overlooked truth about emotional and spiritual growth: humility and silliness often go hand in hand. Flores-Popcak often uses Philip Neri’s example in therapy sessions to help clients see how pride can quietly sabotage relationships.

“A lot of the time relationship problems come down to wanting so badly to save face and to be taken seriously,” Flores-Popcak said. “Then I fall into the sin of pride and end up kind of shutting out my capacity for empathy or compassion.”

True humility, he explains, doesn’t mean putting ourselves down; it means being willing to let go of control—even to risk looking foolish for the sake of love. Embracing the role of Neri’s “holy fool” frees up our mind and heart to feel empathy for the other person’s situation. “And that’s going to make me a more effective communicator—and ironically, make sure that I am understood.”

Why the Saints Belong in Pastoral Counseling

A few years ago, Flores-Popcak did a deep dive into the writings of the saints about issues that often come up in pastoral counseling. He found a treasure trove of insights that resonate with the best evidence-based practices of 21st century counselors.

“Let’s recognize that mental health isn’t a new thing,” he said. “Humans have always had brains and relationships. So if someone is sincerely trying to love and serve Christ—which are really the same thing—they’re naturally going to have some good advice about how to live and relate well.

He eventually boiled his project down into twenty quotes that he turned into social media posts. Here’s a sampling:

  • St. Thomas Aquinas: “…a hurtful thing hurts yet more if we keep it shut up… when a man sees others saddened by his own sorrow, it seems as though others were bearing the burden with him, striving, as it were, to lessen its weight” (Summa Theologica, Quaestio 38).
  • St. Peter Damian: “But if I were to tell you of all the graces conferred by tears, the day would be at an end before I had finished… Tears bring forth joy from sadness. When they spring from the eyes… they raise us up to the hope of eternal blessedness.”
  • St. Catherine of Siena: “What is it you want to change? Your hair, your face, your body? Why? For God is in love with all those things and He might weep when they are gone” (The Dialogue, 96)
  • St. Philip Neri: “…Let us aim for joy, rather than respectability. Let us make fools of ourselves from time to time, and thus see ourselves, for a moment, as the all-wise God sees us.”
  • St. Ignatius of Loyola: “It is not the soul alone that should be healthy; if the mind is healthy in a healthy body, all will be healthy and much better prepared to give God greater service.”
  • St. Teresa of Avila: “It is a great advantage for us to be able to consult someone who knows us, so that we may learn to know ourselves… As a rule, all our anxieties and troubles come from misunderstanding our own nature.”

The quote that elicited the largest response on social media was the one from St. Peter Damien about the value of tears.

“We had people sharing vulnerably about how their parents had screamed at them or even hit them for crying, telling them to ‘offer it up.’ And then here’s a Doctor of the Church talking about the importance of letting yourself cry—both psychologically and spiritually,” Flores-Popcak said. “For a lot of people, it was eye-opening to realize that maybe their parents were wrong—that the Church actually values tears as something holy and healing.”

The Saints Didn’t Have It Easy

Flores-Popcak is not the only pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com who brings the saints into their counseling sessions. Often, counselors will bring up the lives of the saints to offer their clients encouragement.

“We think of saints as being these perfect people with perfect faith, but they were truly people who had difficulties in their life,” says pastoral counselor Rachael Isaac. “It wasn’t about being perfect or not struggling with things, but the conviction to continue to turn to God and not let struggles define them that made them the saints we know.”

Another pastoral counselor, Grant Freeman, challenges clients to think about where Mary’s deep peace came from. It would be simplistic to think that being “full of grace” meant that she had it easy. But if you think about it, he said, the Joyful Mysteries could really be dubbed the “Nightmare Mysteries.”

“The Annunciation: Unmarried pregnancy that will likely be perceived negatively. The Visitation: 90-mile journey with morning sickness,” he said. “Christmas: Not necessarily a cakewalk; also, slaughter of the innocents. Presentation: Simeon and Anna aren’t necessarily harbingers of joy. Finding in the temple? In the modern era, a CPS incident.”

His point is that Mary’s peace was really grounded in deep trust in the Lord’s providence.

Counselor Andy Proctor said he often points clients to saints who overcame painful family histories. St. Elizabeth Ann Seton and St. Martin de Porres are favorite examples; both of them experienced instability and rejection early in life yet grew into people of deep compassion. Their stories, he says, offer hope to anyone still healing from their past: your history may shape you, but it doesn’t have to define you. Grace can transform even the hardest beginnings into holiness.

St. Maximilian Kolbe: Choosing the Adult Mindset

Of course, the saints also provide a model navigating those difficulties. For Ron LaGro, St. Maximilian Kolbe is the ultimate example of emotional maturity—what therapists call an adult mindset.

Kolbe’s calm courage in Auschwitz showed that he refused to let emotions or circumstances dictate his choices. Even in a starvation bunker, he remained centered and purposeful, leading other prisoners in hymns as they died together.

LaGro contrasts this with what he calls the child mindset—blaming others or situations for one’s actions. “People say, ‘I’d do the right thing, but my spouse…’ or ‘but my situation…’ That’s the misery-making mindset,” he said. “Kolbe shows what it looks like to stay centered, responsible, and free—even in the darkest places.”

The Saints Show Us the Way

From Philip Neri’s playful humility to Mary’s steadfast trust and Kolbe’s self-possession, the saints model the kind of emotional and spiritual maturity that leads to lasting peace. They show us that holiness and wholeness are two sides of the same coin—each born from grace cooperating with human effort.

This All Saints Day, consider which saint speaks to your own struggles right now. What lesson might God be offering you through their story?

And if you’d like help applying that wisdom in your own life, reach out to a Catholic pastoral counselor at CatholicCounselors.com. 

Six Tools for Your Discipleship Discipline Toolbox

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When most parents think of “discipline,” they think of punishments: taking away privileges, sending kids to their rooms, or maybe scolding them into behaving better.

But as Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak say in their book Parenting Your Kids with Grace, discipline isn’t about punishment. It’s about teaching.

“Children don’t learn anything … because someone tells them to do it (or punishes them for not doing it),” the Popcaks write. “They learn because someone reviewed the expectations clearly ahead of time and then provided the structure, support, and practice the child needs to succeed.”

This is the heart of Discipleship Discipline: helping kids grow in virtue through “reason, religion, and loving-kindness,” the three core principles of St. John Bosco’s “Preventive Method” of discipline that the Popcaks have adapted into the Discipleship Discipline approach.

Earlier in this series of articles about Discipleship Discipline, we compared it to other discipline strategies and explained that this type of discipline has been shown to have better outcomes for kids and parents. We also discussed the importance of strong, secure parent-child relationships for the success of any discipline strategy.

Now that we have those foundations, let’s look at some of the most important “tools,” or strategies, in the Discipleship Discipline “toolbox.” In this post, we’ll introduce the first six of these tools.

1. Rituals and Routines

Family rituals are more than nice habits — they are daily “catechisms” in Christian living. By intentionally working, playing, talking, and praying together, parents model how to live balanced, godly lives. That might look like cleaning up the kitchen together after meals, having family story time, or blessing one another before bed.

Routines are equally important. Consistent morning and bedtime patterns, or predictable ways of handling chores, create a “current” that carries the family through daily life with less stress. Instead of fighting about what should happen, kids learn, “That’s just the way it is in our house.”

2. Collecting

Too often, parents shout instructions from another room and then get frustrated when kids don’t follow through. Collecting helps avoid that cycle. Before giving an instruction, parents “collect” their child by going to them, engaging warmly, and ensuring they’re truly listening.

That might mean kneeling down, making eye contact, offering a gentle touch, and saying, “Hey buddy, I need you to….” Parents also check for obstacles, have the child repeat back the instruction, and encourage them as they begin the task. This simple practice takes a minute or two, but it prevents the meltdowns that often come from barking orders.

3. Team-Building

Every family has “rough patches” in the day — after school, before bed, during chores. Instead of treating these times as inevitable chaos, team-building invites everyone to work together. Parents gather the family, name the problem, and ask, “How can we take better care of one another during this time?”

Kids are more cooperative when they help create the solution. If the 90 minutes right after school are consistently chaotic, for example, the whole family might gather together to agree on a routine. Part of that discussion might include checking in with each other to ask what that person needs most during that time of day—time alone, a snack, a hug, a listening ear? The result of this team-building exercise will be a calmer, more connected household — not because Mom or Dad cracked the whip, but because the family became a team.

4. Catch Them Being Good

It’s easy to focus on what kids are doing wrong. But discipline becomes more effective when we notice what they’re doing right. The Popcaks urge parents to “catch them being good.”

That might mean saying, “I really like the way you’re sharing with your sister,” or, “You really plowed through that homework assignment, even when you got frustrated—you really are persistent!” These small moments of affirmation light up a child’s heart, reinforce virtues like responsibility and kindness, and remind them that their efforts are seen and valued. Far from spoiling kids, encouragement builds their confidence and generosity.

5. Virtue-Prompting

When kids are frustrated, parents often slip into convincing, lecturing, or even arguing. Virtue-prompting takes a different approach. Instead of telling kids what to do, you ask: “What do you think the generous thing to do would be?” or “How could you say that in a more respectful way?”

By prompting kids to name the virtue themselves, parents help them shift from emotional reactivity to moral reflection. Over time, children learn to approach problems not just by avoiding trouble, but by actively seeking virtue.

6. Do-Overs

Do-overs give kids a chance to try again when their first attempt fell short. Whether they’ve spoken disrespectfully or rushed through a chore, parents calmly say, “Let’s try that again, with your best effort and a respectful tone.”

This practice avoids both nagging and punishment. Instead, it communicates confidence that the child can do better — and teaches that what matters isn’t just checking off a task, but doing it with love and integrity.

Building Peaceful, Virtuous Homes

Each of these six tools helps parents guide their children without yelling, bribing, or punishing. More importantly, they strengthen the parent–child bond — the real foundation of Discipleship Discipline. By using rituals and routines, collecting, team-building, catching kids being good, virtue-prompting, and do-overs, you’re not just managing behavior. You’re raising competent, caring children who know how to love, cooperate, and grow in virtue.

For more practical tools like these, pick up a copy of Parenting Your Kids with Grace by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support in your parenting journey, consider joining the community of Catholic parents and pastoral counselors over at CatholicHŌM.

To Raise Healthy, Happy, Holy Kids, Start with a Game of Catch

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In our last post, we talked about various discipline strategies, and why authoritative discipline—and Discipleship Discipline, in particular—produces the best outcomes for kids and parents alike. Now, we’re going to look at the foundation for the success of Discipleship Discipline (or any discipline strategy, for that matter): a strong, secure relationship between parent and child. Without this foundation, the best discipline strategies in the world will fall flat, because kids learn best from people they are securely bonded to.

(By the way, much of this post is adapted from Parenting Your Kids with Grace: Birth to Age 10 and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace: Ages 11 to 18.)

Playing Catch: The Back-and-Forth of Parenting

Have you ever played catch with your kids? When you toss the ball, your goal isn’t to make it hard for them to succeed. You throw it in a way that helps them catch it, and when they throw it back, you do your best to keep the game going.

Parenting works the same way. “Discipleship Parenting is a lot like teaching your kids to play catch,” Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak write. “You try to help each other get better at sending the ball back and forth… and you try to keep the ball in play no matter how it’s thrown to you.” The back-and-forth of daily interactions is how kids learn to trust us, listen to us, and eventually, follow us in faith.

Parent-Child Relationships: Good Soil for Growing Healthy, Holy Adults

Long before kids are ready to be taught about God or virtue, the foundation for those lessons is already being laid.

“Babies and toddlers can’t learn faith facts, but they can learn how much they’re worth in God’s eyes when their parents take time to gaze at them, comfort them, and meet their needs as generously as they’re able,” the Popcaks write.

These early, nonverbal experiences literally become part of a child’s brain architecture. They form the neurological foundation for self-control, empathy, and even moral reasoning. As kids grow, the same principle applies: their confidence that Mom or Dad will “catch the ball” whenever they throw it—whether it’s a problem, a worry, or a mistake—determines how open they’ll be to guidance and how resilient they’ll be in the face of peer or cultural pressures.

At this point, you may wonder whether we’re talking about attachment parenting—a style of parenting that often emphasizes practices like babywearing, extended breastfeeding, or co-sleeping. These techniques can certainly support secure attachment, but they are not the same thing as attachment.

Attachment itself isn’t a set of practices. It’s a relationship—a child’s inner confidence that their parents are there for them, consistently, generously, and lovingly. Some parents may use attachment parenting methods but still foster insecure attachment if they are resentful, inconsistent, or emotionally unavailable. Likewise, parents who don’t use those methods can still raise securely attached kids if they cultivate habits of warm, responsive, and reliable caregiving.

And importantly, attachment isn’t just something babies need. It matters through every stage of a child’s life. For example, imagine your teen comes home from school looking withdrawn. They slam their backpack down and retreat to their room.

A parent who is focused only on correcting behavior might scold: “Don’t you dare slam things around this house!” But a parent practicing attachment-based discipleship would start by “collecting” their child—that is, making a personal connection that signals that Mom or Dad is on their team. The parent might start by gently knocking on the door and asking, “You seem upset—want to talk about it?”

Even if the teen doesn’t open up right away, that consistent, nonjudgmental presence communicates: You can turn to me. I’m here for you. Over time, this creates the trust that makes real correction and discipleship possible.

As we discussed in our earlier article, discipline that is grounded in a warm, secure relationship is not the same as “permissive parenting,” a parenting style in which parents provide their kids with little or no structure to support their growth. Authoritative discipline styles provide kids with rules, boundaries, and expectations, all supported by warm, secure parent-child attachment.

Secure vs. Insecure Relationships

Let’s go back to our “game of catch” analogy. What happens if the game of catch breaks down? The Popcaks point out that children who don’t experience consistent responsiveness often stop wanting to “play.” This can take a couple of forms:

  • Anxious attachment develops when parents respond inconsistently. Kids may achieve a lot, but inside they never feel good enough. “This child comes to believe that the game doesn’t go well because there’s something wrong with them.”
  • Avoidant attachment grows when parents are disengaged or dismissive. These kids learn not to bother throwing the ball at all. They avoid intimacy, become suspicious of closeness, and may even look down on those who seek connection.

Neither pattern sets a child up for healthy relationships—or for a living, vibrant faith. In fact, research shows that our attachment style to parents strongly predicts how we will relate to God, the Popcaks say. Anxiously attached people may see God as harsh and impossible to please, while avoidantly attached people may keep God at a distance.

Nurturing Attachment with the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life

How, then, can Catholic families intentionally cultivate secure attachment? One powerful framework is the Liturgy of Domestic Church Life, a model developed by the Popcaks that highlights everyday practices that build faith and family bonds.

The “rites” in this framework include practices proven to strengthen healthy parent-child attachment. Some of these practices include:

  • Extravagant affection and affirmation. Kids who receive extravagant affection and affirmation from their parents thrive in all areas of life, from academic achievement to peer relationships and more. This might take the form of (appropriate) physical contact such as hugs as well as words of genuine encouragement and acknowledgement. Even when parents provide a child with healthy boundaries or help them correct their behavior, the overall vibe is one of teamwork, not opposition.
  • Prompt, generous, cheerful, and consistent attention to needs. When parents respond promptly, consistently, and generously to their needs, kids feel safe and secure. And when kids learn that they can rely on their parents to “be there for them” as children, they continue to turn to their parents as tweens, teens, and young adults. And there’s a bonus: parents who model and teach their children this way of relating benefit from kids who want to do the same for them.
  • Intentionally making time to be together. It’s hard to have a relationship without shared, common experiences—and in today’s world, that means intentionally making time to work, play, talk, and pray together.

These and other simple but intentional habits help children form strong relationships with their parents, siblings—and God. That’s because the parent-child relationship provides a template for the child’s relationship with God.

The Heart of Discipleship Parenting

The bottom line: secure attachment—the confidence that your child can always turn to you—makes all the difference. “Fostering strong attachment with your children through every age and stage is the key to creating a discipleship relationship with your child,” the Popcaks say.

This doesn’t mean being perfect. Parents will “drop the ball” sometimes. What matters most is consistency: showing up, listening, responding generously, and making repairs when things go wrong. Over time, these habits create the kind of bond that makes children resilient, open to their parents’ guidance, and ready to follow Christ.

For more on how to foster secure, faith-filled relationships with your kids, check out Parenting Your Kids with Grace (Birth to Age 10) and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace (Ages 11 to 18) by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support building stronger bonds with your children, join the community of Catholic parents and pastoral counselors over at CatholicHŌM.

Why Discipleship Discipline Helps Kids (and Parents) Thrive

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What’s the best way to discipline your child? Parents have wrestled with this question forever: Should I lay down the law? Should I let my kids figure things out? Should I try to be their friend? It’s easy to feel pulled in different directions.

Today, though, child development research points clearly to one answer: an authoritative discipline style works best. This approach balances warmth and love with clear expectations and structure. Kids raised in authoritative homes consistently do better—not just in childhood, but well into adulthood.

At the Pastoral Solutions Institute, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak promote a faith-filled version of this approach called Discipleship Discipline. Rooted in the best of modern psychology and enriched by the wisdom of the Catholic tradition, it blends the insights of St. John Bosco (the 19th-century Italian priest and founder of the Salesians), St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, and contemporary parenting science.

You’ll find the full approach in the Popcaks’ books Parenting Your Kids with Grace and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace, as well as through the CatholicHŌM program. But here, let’s look at the main discipline styles, why authoritative parenting stands out, and how Discipleship Discipline takes it even further.

The Four Basic Discipline Styles

In the 1980s and 90s, psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three main parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. A fourth, neglectful, was later added.

Authoritarian Discipline

Dominant in the early 20th century, authoritarian parenting cast parents as judges and enforcers. Parents were expected to:

  • Impose strict rules at the level of adult expectations.
  • Avoid explanations (“Because I said so”).
  • Punish with unpleasant consequences for breaking rules.
  • Withhold affection to avoid “spoiling” children.

This approach often produces fearful, anxious children with lower self-confidence and self-regulation.

Permissive Discipline

In the 1960s and 70s, many parents swung the other way. Permissive parenting emphasized freedom and self-expression. Parents often:

  • Set few rules or expectations.
  • Negotiate endlessly, rarely enforcing rules.
  • Overlook misbehavior or enforce inconsistently.
  • Provide warmth without limits, overlooking that real love sometimes requires setting healthy boundaries.

While warm, this approach often leaves children with weak boundaries and poor self-control.

Neglectful Discipline

Neglectful parenting is just what it sounds like: being uninvolved, failing to meet children’s needs, and providing little structure or guidance. Children raised this way often struggle with emotional health, academics, and relationships.

Authoritative Discipline

Authoritative parenting offers the best of both worlds—love and structure. Parents are encouraged to:

  • Set clear expectations appropriate for the child’s age.
  • Explain rules and listen to their child’s perspective.
  • Enforce consistent, fair consequences based on natural or logical outcomes.
  • Provide abundant warmth and support, while encouraging independence.

Large-scale, long-term studies (sometimes lasting decades) show that children raised in authoritative homes tend to excel academically, display healthier social skills, develop strong self-regulation, and enjoy better mental health into adulthood.

Why Discipleship Discipline Changes Everything

So what makes the Popcaks’ approach different? The clue is in the word disciple. From the Latin discipulus (“pupil, learner”), a disciple isn’t just a student—they’re a dedicated follower of a way of life.

This hints at one of the main differences between Discipleship Discipline and other discipline styles:

  • Permissive discipline tends to view the parent-child relationship in terms of a friendship between equals.
  • Authoritarian discipline tends to cast parents as cops and judges enforcing rules and meting out punishments.
  • Authoritative discipline, by contrast, casts parents in the role of teacher (or coach) and the child in the role of learner.

In Discipleship Discipline, parents are called not only to teach their children the skills they need to become fully competent, confident adults, but to become all that God calls them to be. Discipleship Parents help their kids develop a way of life as Christian disciples—not just rule-followers, but people who embody the love, integrity, and virtue of Jesus Christ.

Discipleship Parents recognize that God has entrusted them with the responsibility (and therefore authority) to guide their children along this path. This means setting expectations for behavior (boundaries and rules) and, when needed, enforcing those expectations. Discipleship Parents provide their kids with the structure they need to thrive.

But Discipleship Parents also recognize that their God-given authority isn’t limitless or arbitrary: instead, it is exercised for the good of both the child and the parents. Moreover, Discipleship Parents recognize that their authority is most effective when it is based on a warm, loving, trusting relationship—much like the Bible’s image of the Good Shepherd.

This blend of structure, warmth, and faith makes Discipleship Discipline a powerful tool for Catholic families.

Next Steps

In our next article in this three-part series, we’ll look at how parents can nurture the warm-yet-authoritative relationships that make this approach so effective.

In the meantime, you can explore Discipleship Discipline more deeply in books Parenting Your Kids with Grace and Parenting Your Teens and Tweens with Grace by Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. And for ongoing support, check out CatholicHŌM, where you’ll find family-friendly resources, pastoral guidance, and a supportive community to help your family thrive in faith and love.

Less Stress, More Joy: The Power of Family Fun

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Soccer practice, piano lessons, theater rehearsals, youth group…many parents today feel like their family life happens in the car. We’re constantly running from one activity to the next, hoping that the time we invest in our kids’ activities will pay off.

Instead, 65% of American parents say they are just “getting through the day” rather than actually enjoying it, according to a 2024 Harris Poll.

What’s worse, overbooked kids often experience higher levels of stress, anxiety, and anger, child health experts say.

If all of this sounds familiar, Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak have a simple suggestion: make more time for family fun.

Regularly playing together as a family reduces stress and increases joy, they explained on a recent episode of the CatholicHŌM podcast. Even better, family play rituals strengthen relationships and fortify a healthy, holy lifestyle.

Fun is the Glue That Holds Families Together

A wealth of research shows that kids who have strong family relationships tend to thrive during childhood and adolescence—and even later on, as young adults. Family fun time plays a big role in developing strong, rich relationships between children and their parents.

“When we have fun with our children, when we make time to play…we become the people that they know they can trust and enjoy,” Lisa said.

The trust that develops between children and parents when they have fun together lasts into adolescence and beyond. Children who regularly play with their parents know who to turn to when life gets hard. On the other hand, over scheduled children may learn to turn elsewhere for connection.

“The people that your children have fun with are the people that your children trust,” Lisa continued. “So if your children are only having fun with other kids their age…who are they going to turn to when they have a broken heart or a difficult question…? Their friends.”

But not all time spent around our kids strengthens our bond with them. Parents often assume that showing up for their children’s activities is the same thing as spending time together. But kids don’t see it that way, the Popcaks said. They cited research that found that kids view their parents’ attendance at sports and rehearsals not as an investment in them, but as an opportunity for parents to socialize with other parents.

Attending games and rehearsals matters, but it’s not the same as shared, face-to-face fun, Dr. Greg explained: “They’re not interacting with us, and we’re not communicating to them how Christians enjoy each other and enjoy life.”

The temptation to over schedule comes from good intentions. We want to give our kids opportunities, build their skills, and support their passions. But when the family calendar is too packed, something vital is lost. Spontaneous fun disappears; relationships become transactional (“Did you finish your homework? What time is practice?”), and stress replaces joy.

Holy People Have More Fun!

Family play has another important function: it’s one of the ways we disciple kids into a healthy, holy Catholic vision of life.

When families have fun together, they teach their kids that Christianity isn’t just something for church, but for all areas of life. More than that, they teach kids that Christian values can actually enhance fun and recreation.

“The fact is, if we aren’t teaching our kids how to enjoy life and how to enjoy each other in healthy ways, the world is more than happy to suggest a million ways for our kids to enjoy themselves in sinful and destructive ways,” he said. 

Reclaiming Time to Play

So how can families reclaim time for play in a world that rewards busyness?

First, start by making family fun time a priority—and that means being intentional about scheduling time for it.

“Play rituals don’t just happen on their own,” Dr. Greg emphasized. “We need to treat family time in general, and play rituals in particular, as things that are on the schedule that we plan other stuff around.”

You can set aside routine times for family play, like after dinner and before prayers, or you can schedule family fun time as you meet to plan out your week.

Prioritizing family play rituals doesn’t mean pulling your children out of sports, theater, or youth group activities, the Popcaks emphasized. But it may mean cutting down on the time they spend on those activities so that there is time available for your family to connect.

Second, don’t be afraid to start small. Family fun time doesn’t need to involve a major, Monopoly-level time commitment. You might begin with as little as 15 minutes, Lisa said: “Just begin by asking, can we get 15 minutes today? What would we like to do with that time?”

If even that feels challenging, look for ways to spark little moments of joy during the day. Lisa described how her mother asked her father to come home from work with a joke for the family every day.

“He would run around the office toward the end of the day saying, ‘I need a joke. My wife won’t let me in the door without a joke,’” Lisa said. “And we can do that with our kids: bring a joke to the table for dinner time and start everybody laughing. Just having a moment of joy together is better than not having joy together.”

Just Do It!

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all model for how to have fun together as a family, the Popcaks emphasized. Talk about it together and experiment to find a rhythm of play and fun that works for your particular family. Be prepared for family play time to evolve as your kids get older, too: the ten minutes you spend tickling and roughhousing on the living room floor might become ten minutes of throwing a football around in the yard.

Above all, don’t be afraid to dive in, Lisa said.

“So often, we over schedule ourselves because we’re afraid to just have fun with our family. What if they don’t see me as an authority figure? What if they think I’m silly? What if it messes up the house? What if I can never get them settled down to go to bed? We have a million fears about just enjoying our children and our family time together in a fun way.

“I promise you, if you start making fun part of your family rituals, they will look at you with more respect, more love. They will trust you more. The emotional temperature in the house will come down over time because you’re not always being punitive. Play has a million wonderful fruits (that come) with it.”

When families reclaim time to laugh, play, and enjoy each other, they rediscover the joy of being a domestic church.

To learn more about weaving play and other rituals into daily life, explore the CatholicHŌM app, where you’ll find community support, downloadable resources for family fun, and videos and podcasts addressing common challenges that arise around family time. Plus, you can listen to CatholicHŌM podcast Episode 88: “The Family That Plays Together Prays Together.”

Created for Joy

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One of the most powerful insights St. John Paul II offers us in his Theology of the Body (TOB) is this: God created us for joy.

Not the fleeting kind of happiness we get when life feels easy, comfortable, or conflict-free—but a deeper, lasting joy. Happiness depends on circumstances. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit. It’s a state of being that flows from living a meaningful, intimate, and virtuous life.

So how do we cultivate this kind of joy? TOB gives us three key paths: meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue.

Joy through Meaningfulness

John Paul II described meaningfulness as self-giving. It’s the choice to use our gifts, talents, and even our struggles to make a positive difference in our world.

Every day presents us with opportunities to give ourselves away in love—whether that’s in the way we show up at work, the way we care for our families, or how we serve in our communities. Joy grows when we step into the truth that our lives matter, and that our contribution—big or small—has eternal weight.

Joy through Intimacy

The Theology of the Body also reminds us that joy flows from intimacy, which is at the heart of building what John Paul II called “communities of love.”

This means choosing to invest intentionally in authentic relationships: our spouse, our children, our friendships, and even our broader communities. When we are rooted in belonging, we are steadied—even in hardship. Genuine intimacy teaches us that we don’t walk alone, and that our lives are interwoven with others in God’s plan.

Joy through Virtue

Finally, joy grows through virtue. TOB calls us to spend our lives growing into the people God created us to be. Virtue is not about perfection—it’s about cooperating with God’s grace to let every circumstance, both the blessings and the challenges, shape us into stronger, holier, healthier people.

Every choice we make to pursue goodness, patience, courage, or compassion is a step toward becoming who God designed us to be. And in that process, joy takes deeper root in our hearts.

Living the Call to Joy

When we pursue meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue, we cultivate a joy that doesn’t disappear when life gets hard. This kind of joy is steady and resilient, because it rests on the knowledge that where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going all make sense in God’s plan.

If you’re wondering where to begin, here are a few questions to pray with today:

  • How can I use my gifts to make a difference right now?

  • How can I invest more intentionally in my relationships?

  • How can I cooperate with grace to grow through the challenges I face?

Living this way won’t always make you “happy.” But it will fill your life with the joy you were created for—a joy that lasts, because it’s rooted in the heart of God.

If you would like support in cultivating joy through greater meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue in your life and relationships, reach out to one of our pastoral counselors today.