Gregory K. Popcak, Ph.D.

 

You’ve heard of the “honey-do’s” the lists that plague husbands the world over.   Well now there is the parenting equivalent,   the “honey-don’ts.”   These are the mental lists of all the things that kids shouldn’t do, can’t touch, and had best not try. Providing guidance to our children is an extraordinarily important part of being a good parent. Children’s intellect and impulse control are not well-developed.   They need parents to guide them, form them, and help them negotiate the challenges associated with leading successful lives and having healthy relationships.   But when does guidance become suffocation?  Though overall, crime and public health and safety statistics say the world is safer healthier place, parents are more anxious than ever.   In 1969,   41% of kids rode their bikes to school compared to 13% in 2001. Death by injury has dropped by 50% since 1980, but parents in communities across the US lobby hard to remove climbing structures from playgrounds because they are “too dangerous.”   And 6-8 year olds   have 25% less free play time today than they did in 1981. Today, structured play and scheduled play-dates are the rule, not the exception.

None of this is meant to suggest that parental presence and involvement is a bad thing.   In some ways, parents have more involved because of the structure of our communities.   In 1969, most people knew their neighbors.   Rightly or wrongly, parents felt they could trust the people living around them because they were fixtures.   People didn’t move around as much.   Families stayed in one town, or even the same neighborhood, for generations.   But today, a Pew Center study found that only 19% of respondents could name all of their neighbors.   A lack of familiarity breeds suspicion.   We may smile at the neighbors, but we don’t know them, and we’re pretty sure they can’t be trusted around our kids.  Plus, there is just more information about parenting than there used to be.   Before Dr. Spock came along, nobody ever thought that there could be anything objective about parenting. You just did what came naturally.   Now, only 3 generations later, there is so much information about the best way to make sure a kid is properly, fed, bred, socialized, and turned-out, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by everything it takes to do parenting, “right.”

Attachment vs. Overparenting

There is a danger, of course, in just throwing up our hands and rolling our eyes at all those over-involved moms and dads.   It is possible, in our reaction to the overparenting phenomenon, to treat any parenting recommendation that challenges us or is outside of our comfort zone as if it is “too over the top” and just another sign of helicopter parenting.   We have to be careful of the temptation to be more in love with our comfort zones than we are with our kids.   We must remember that self-donation is a critical part of healthy parenting.  Being involved with our kids is good.   Providing adequate supervision of play dates so kids can get along well with each other is good. Knowing that our kids are safe is good.   Knowing how to train kids to eat well, pray well, and live healthy lives is good.   Helping our kids know that we are available to answer their questions and meet their needs at every age and stage is good.   All of these things constitute healthy attachment and provide the basis for our kids academic, social, and spiritual well-being.

But doing these things with too intense an attitude stops being attachment and starts being enmeshment.   Enmeshment is attachment’s evil twin.   It is a kind of parental presence that is crippling.   Enmeshed parents are so concerned that their child will do the wrong thing, get the wrong answer, or attempt to do things the wrong way that they are constantly intervening whether their kids need it or not or want it or not.   While there is a right way to do many things, enmeshed parents tend to believe that there is “absolutely one right way” to do everything; cleaning your room, talking to friends, saying your prayers, eating at the table.   They see it as their job to swoop in and intervene at the first sign of struggle lest the child “fail.”   A recent study published in the Journal of Pediatrics found that kids from enmeshed families are at higher risk for anxiety disorders and both academic and social problems because they can’t think for themselves and are so stressed about doing things “the right way” that they can’t do anything independently for fear of making a mistake.  In other words, it is not the fact that a parent is present, informed, and involved that is the problem.   That’s basic attachment, a healthy ingredient in any parent-child relationship.   Rather, it is the parent’s own fear of failure combined with the fear that the child might fail at some task (or relationship) which would reflect badly on my parental effort   that pushes attachment to enmeshment, conveying to the child the message that, “you can’t do anything right without me at your side.” In searching for the line between healthy attachment and over-parenting, parents would do well to follow this simple rule.   In the face of a new task, “Know your child.   Watch initially.   Teach when necessary.   Back off as circumstances permit.”

Know your child

Knowing your child means putting in the time to know how your child reacts in certain environments, what keeps him calm and on target, and what help he needs cooling down when he starts to get too worked up.   It means having put enough time and energy into the relationship with your child that he knows that you are available to help if needed, but that you also know what he is capable of and that you expect him to use those abilities before turning to you.

Watch Initially

Resist the urge to swoop in and take over the second your child is in a new situation or seems to be struggling.   Let your child wrestle with the new puzzle, or try to handle the disagreement with his brother.   See what he does.    Give him a couple of attempts to resolve the situation on his own before stepping in with any advice.   Watch his emotional temperature .   Know the line between frustration and futility.   If your child is just frustrated because he has made a few mistakes or missteps, that’s ok.   Let it go.   But if your child’s effort is becoming futile and he can’t figure out how to negotiate a turn with his friends after several tries or can’t figure out how to accomplish a task and looks like he is ready to give up, then you might offer some basic support.

Teach When Necessary

Sometime after your child is becoming frustrated, but before things become futile, offer your child a helpful suggestion.   Provide the least information you think your child will need to figure the rest out on his own.   Ask, “How could you say that more respectfully?” instead of telling him exactly what to say.   Say, “I see you’re holding that squiggly piece of the puzzle.   Is there another squiggly piece that might fit?   No?   Did you look in the left side of the pile?” instead of picking up the piece and saying, “Here it is.   Put them together like this.”   The point is, you want to ask questions that will give just enough hints without solving the problem for them.  This is where enmeshed parents make their fatal mistake.   They can’t leave anything to chance, and they don’t trust that their kid will “get it.”   They fear parenting failure so much that they need to resolve the tension more for themselves than for their child.   Sure, there will be times that your child just needs you to intervene and show them how something is done, but that should be the exception, not the rule.

Back Off As Soon As Possible

Once your child has gotten just enough information to figure out what to do, praise him (“Nice work!   You did a great job figuring that out!”) and back off. In future situations, repeat the know-watch-teach-back off cycle.  None of this is to say that any child learns everything they need to learn having been prompted once.   Most kids need to do things over and over before a new habit becomes ingrained, but you can speed their learning, their sense of independence, and their healthy sense of self-confidence by providing the support they need to succeed in life, not by doing life’s homework for them.

By: Gregory Popcak

So here’s one for all the moms and dads of many who are a little worn out from all the negative comments on the playground and at the water cooler.   It turns out the Church is right, the best gift you can give to your children is a sibling. In fact, maybe several.  A recent study conducted by sociologists at The Ohio State University shows that an individual child’s risk of divorcing as an adult decreases by about 2% per sibling.   The researchers found a steady increase in marital stability for children from large families up to at least 7 children.   The limits of the study prevented researchers from making assertions beyond this point.  A previous study by the same authors in 2004 found that kindergarten teachers rated children from larger families as better socialized than only children (although this tended to wear off by adolescence when only children catch up socially with their peers from larger families).  Research seems to support the idea that children from larger families have a potential advantage when it comes to both present socialization and future relationships.   That shouldn’t be a huge surprise.   When you have a group of people around you all the time it increases the opportunities to learn important lessons about sharing, taking turns, cooperating, putting others first, and, simultaneously, advocating for your own needs.

That said, these skills don’t happen automatically.   I am aware of some children from larger families who struggle mightily in their adult relationships.   The difference is that adult children from larger families who have better relationship skills tended to come from families who were more intentional about teaching their children those skills, who made an effort to attach to their children as individuals, to demonstrate ample affection, and provide instruction and supervision on how to share, how to wait, and when to speak up.   By contrast, adult children from larger families who tend to assume that kids will just pick up relationship skills because they are in a larger family tend not to do as well.   Children do not learn socialization from other children.   They learn socialization by being given the opportunity to interact with other children under the active and intentional supervision of caring adults.  Whatever your family size, consider the following suggestions for helping your children get the most out of their interactions with each other.

1. Get One-on-One Time with Your Children.

All the research on sibling rivalry suggests that the more viciously siblings fight, the more the perception exists among the children that there just isn’t enough mom and dad to go around.   There is a joke among college professors that arguments between the faculty and administration are so bitter and critical because the stakes are so low.   If parents aren’t careful, a similar dynamic can exist in family life no matter how big or small your family is.   If the brothers and sisters get the impression that there just isn’t enough love and attention to go around, they will tear each other apart to get their bite at the scraps. Getting regular one-on-one time with your children is one, important way to beat this.  Getting one-on-one time in a large family doesn’t have to be a daunting proposition.   We know an excellent mom and dad of 11 kids who each keep a list of their kids in their pockets with check marks to see who has gotten to accompany that parent to the store or on some other errand.   They’ll regularly consult the list and invite one of their children along for the ride and some alone time with mom or dad.   Plus, each parent has a schedule where they get monthly dates with their kids.   It takes effort with such a large family, but their commitment is deeply appreciated by their children.

2.   Use Do-Overs to Teach Positive Interactions Among Sibs.

I regularly recommend that parents use “do-overs” to correct disrespectful speech and actions toward them or between their children.   Most disrespectful or aggressive behavior between children is due to kids genuinely not knowing how to express tough emotions like anger, frustration, or impatience in a faithful, effective way.   It’s up to us to teach them.   When one child speaks inappropriately to his brother or sister.   Give him the words to express his feeling respectfully and then make him actually say those words–with the right tone of voice and facial expression–to the sibling he offended.   Have him repeat it until he gets it right.   If he still won’t do it after 3- or so tries, send him to time out until he is willing to say it…properly.   The child needs to get the message that respecting his siblings is too important and that he will not be permitted to go on with his life until he has demonstrated that he is capable of expressing his emotions properly.   When they realize you’re serious, they’ll do it, and soon, they’ll be treating each other with respect without you making them do it because you will have given them the skills to succeed.

3.   Encourage Teamwork and Mutual Service

It is good to give kids individual chores for which they can be held responsible, but it is equally important to give kids a chance to work together and help each other by having certain chores the whole family does together as a team.   The rule to completing a chore as a team is that everyone must work to their full potential, but when one person is done with their part, they must go and help a sibling until the whole task has been completed.   If a child is dragging his feet you can deal with that later by assigning additional chores for “generosity practice”   but that’s a separate issue.   Give kids the opportunity to work together and take care of each other; to be part of a family team.

Likewise, encourage your kids to do little acts of kindness for each other.   One thing we’ve done is have the kids write a list of things that make them feel cared for or appreciated.   Things like “Getting to ride shot-gun”, or “Getting to go first with the video game” , or “having my favorite ice cream in the freezer.”   We have our kids exchange their lists with the expectation that they will all do something thoughtful for each other from the list every day.   The kids then share what they did for each other at dinner.   Getting this started can require some parental encouragement and correction (especially if a child tries to get away with doing the same, too-easy, thing every day).   But with appropriate support, your kids will come to appreciate the little ways you are teaching them to care for each other and look out for each other.

We offer many more ideas like this in the Sibling Revelry chapter of Parenting with Grace.  The point is, by being intentional about teaching your kids virtues like generosity, thoughtfulness, service, and respect, you can help your family become the school of love the Church says it was meant to be.   You will not only benefit your family, but your kid’s kids as well. For more information on how to raise kids in a godly manner, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach  and get the skills you need to succeed.

By: Gregory Popcak

In the Book of Sirach, there is a powerful reminder of the importance of raising our children to be faithful, godly people.

Do not yearn for worthless children, or rejoice in wicked offspring.   Even if they be many, do not rejoice in them if they do not have fear of the LORD.   Do not count on long life for them, or have any hope for their future.   For one can be better than a thousand;   rather die childless than have impious children! (16:1-3).

In light of this, you can see why the Church places such an emphasis on parents as   the “primary educators” of their children.   Scripture and our tradition are clear that “job one” for parents is the commitment to raise whatever children we have to be faithful, moral, godly young men and women.  This can be an intimidating reality for moms and dads who often were not raised in faithful homes themselves or, if they were, can feel like everything in the culture is conspiring against them.   In such a hostile environment, what does it take for parents to succeed in their mission of raising their children to be children of God?   Let’s look at 4 things that can help you succeed.

1.   Prayer.

We can’t do it alone.   Raising godly kids requires us to go to God to learn how to do it.   Telling our kids about the rules and outward behaviors isn’t enough.   They have to want to choose to be good and godly as a response to their feeling God’s active, loving presence in their lives.   Godliness and moral living has to be more than a “duty.”   It must be our logical response to feeling loved and called by God to be more and live more abundantly for the sake of his love.   Prayer makes this possible.   Praying for our kids is a good first step, but it isn’t enough.   We need to practice dynamic family prayer and also see that our children are developing their own, personal relationship with Jesus Christ and his Church. Practicing dynamic family prayer means that we are doing more than saying rote prayers in a mindless way that allows us to check off the family-prayer box.   It means that we, as a family, are gathering together daily to bring our joys, struggles, questions, and concerns to the Lord.   The specific way you pray (formal or informal prayer, devotional or spontaneous) matters less than that you are bring your lives and heart to it. My book  Parenting with Grace  offers many suggestions for how to do this.

Secondly, teaching our children to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ means teaching them to have their own prayer life.   To teach them to ask Jesus to live in their heart and minds and to turn to him to share their joys and struggles.   It means seeing that they get a few moments of personal prayer before we join together for family prayer and it means talking openly about our faith walk with our children and asking them questions about their relationship with God so that we can guide, encourage, and mentor them on the way.

2. Affection

In Beyond the Birds and the Bees our book on the moral formation of children, we spell out the vast number of studies that show that the most important thing parents can do to raise moral children is to be a family that is extraordinarily close and extremely affectionate.   Amazingly, affection has been shown to supercharge the development of the “moral brain” (structures that play a role in self-control, empathy, and pro-social behavior).   Children raised in households that researchers call “extravagantly affectionate” are much more empathetic, have better self-control, and are more likely to be both generous in their dealings with others and faithful in adulthood.   When your faith is seen by your children as a direct contributor to the closeness you enjoy as a family–especially in relation to the closeness found in your children’s   friends’ households–faith and values tend to “stick” much more than they would in other households.

3. Dads Take The Lead

Research also consistently indicates that dad’s role is critical in the moral and faith formation of children.   When moms take the lead, there is about a 50/50 chance children will grow up to own the faith and values of their youth.    When dads are the primary teachers of faith and values, the rate of a child’s retention of their religious and moral roots increases exponentially.   Researchers believe that this is because even in two-career households, fathers continue to set the tone for how children deal with the outside world.   When fathers are faithful, children learn that faith is not just something that goes on at church or in the house.     They learn the importance of taking their faith to the world as well.   Moms tend to provide children with a sense of a need for the spiritual, but children look to dad to lead the way in what it means to live their faith.

4.Tell them the Truth

Many parents are afraid to have honest conversations with their children about difficult topics but our faith has much to say about life & death and love & sex.   Shying away from these conversations sends the message that our values are too weak to face such topics head on and undermine our credibility in our children’s eyes to respond to the things they are most curious about.   Be prudent about how you answer their questions.   When they ask for a drink, better to not turn the fire hose on them.   But do give simple, honest, unflinching answers to their thoughtful questions.   Beyond the Birds and the Bees can help you discover how to talk to your kids in direct, sensitive and faithful ways, not just about sex, but about all the questions that relate to the moral formation of children.

The good news is, raising faithful, moral, godly kids is not an impossible mission.   It is something that any family can do that is committed to having an authentic relationship with God and living out the call to intimacy that is at the heart of the Christian walk. For more help on raising godly children, call your PaxCare Tele-Coach today and get the skills you and your family need to succeed.