It’s the baby gift new parents never asked for: unsolicited, often competing, advice about thebest way to raise their little one.
On one side, some people advocate a parent-centered approach. “You can’t take care of baby if you don’t take care of yourself,” these people argue. “Besides, your baby needs to learn she’s not the center of the world!”
On the other side are advocates of a baby-centered approach. “The first three years of your child’s life are the foundation of their future development,” these folks might say. “Now’s the time for parents to go all in.”
Caught in the middle, many new parents rightly feel conflicted, seeing good points on both sides.
But the Catholic tradition offers a good way to balance the needs of babies and their parents, say Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak. This approach, outlined in their book Then Comes Baby: The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Three Years of Parenthood, is centered on the principle of the common good. Rather than seeing parenting as a zero-sum competition, this approach to family life seeks the flourishing of everyone—baby, mom, and dad alike.
Before we get to the common good approach, let’s quickly look at the merits of baby-centered parenting and parent-centered parenting.
The Benefits of Baby-Centered Parenting
In Chapter 2 of their book, the Popcaks summarize the strong scientific support behind many baby-centered practices.
Since the 1990s, research in neuroscience, developmental psychology, and attachment theory has consistently affirmed the benefits of responsive, attentive caregiving during infancy. Babies who experience this kind of nurturing develop stronger emotional regulation, more resilient stress responses, and deeper trust in relationships. The practice of responding to an infant’s needs promptly and consistently helps form secure attachments, which in turn support empathy, social development, and mental health throughout life.
These are powerful and well-documented benefits—and they help explain why so many parenting experts emphasize attentiveness to a baby’s cues.
Children raised with less baby-centered approaches may also develop these positive qualities, the Popcaks acknowledge. “But research strongly suggests that children reared by more baby-centered approaches are more likely to have a better-developed capacity for these skills.”
Parents Need to Take Care of Themselves Too
The baby-centered approach has a lot to recommend it. But there’s a caveat. “If parents allow themselves to become burned out by doing baby-centered parenting, it doesn’t work nearly as well,” the Popcaks write.
Burnt-out, exhausted parents don’t connect with their babies very well; they tend to be less animated, and make less eye contact with their children. In fact, this exhaustion-fueled detachment can wipe out the benefits of a baby-centered approach.
Moreover, research shows that “babies do best in homes where Mom and Dad’s relationship is strong and secure,” the Popcaks say, underlining the need for parents to attend to their own relationship, too. This does not mean that “if Mom and Dad are happy, Baby will be happy.” While there is plenty of evidence that poor marital relationships negatively affect children, strong marital relationships don’t cancel out the child’s need for prompt, consistent parental responses to her needs.
In short, a healthy family life requires more than just protecting adult time—it requires an integrated vision that honors every member of the household.
Aiming for the Common Good of the Family
This is where the Catholic social teaching principle of the common good comes into play. This principle suggests that those with the least ability to meet their own needs (like a baby) have a right to have their needs met first. At the same time, it also acknowledges that all people, including parents, have a right to have their own needs met, as long as they do so in a way that respects everyone else
What does this mean in practical terms? The Popcaks suggest that parents follow two principles.
First, “parents should challenge themselves on a regular basis to be as baby-centered as possible while being creative about how to meet their own needs.” The benefits of responding promptly, consistently, and affectionately to a child’s needs are so clear that doing so ought to be a priority. And for Catholics, the practice of this heroic “self-donation” is the way we find not only a happy, joyful life, but also our truest selves.
But balance is key. Parents are embodied human beings, not purely spiritual angels, which means they have very real limits that need to be respected.
“That’s why parents need to constantly seek creative ways to get time for themselves and their marriage,” the Popcaks write. “This takes sensitivity, prayer, communication, and commitment on the part of both parents.”
Nurturing the Routines and Rituals of Healthy Family Life
Exactly how to navigate that balancing act is the subject of the rest of Then Comes Baby, but establishing healthy routines and rituals—a topic the Popcaks frequently emphasize in their work with parents—is key, they say.
By pursuing the common good, Catholic parents can avoid the pitfalls of both extreme approaches and cultivate a family life that reflects generous love for their child and good stewardship of their own well-being and their marriage.
If you’d like to learn more about this topic, check out Then Comes Baby at CatholicCounselors.com. You can also get more personalized parenting advice through the community discussion forums in the CatholicHŌM app.
